ISSUE 22 还有13天 尽管知道写的不好，希望得到诚恳的批评
22"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."Recently there is a debate over whether people’s behaviors are defined by a few individuals or the whole society. Some people argue that the former is true but the others advocate the latter one is correct. However, different people hold different views according to their own backgrounds. Under a case-by-case analysis, I hold the opinion that People’s actions are mainly influenced by a few individuals or small groups, not by the society.
First of all, the people around us usually influence our actions directly and immediately. Everyone can’t handle everything sophisticated thus they may be afraid to do wrong when they do something for the first time. How can they get the experiences? How can they handle the things easily? They ask the person who has knowledge in that field. Once the other persons give the suggestions on solving this problem, the one may think over and follow the others’ suggestions spontaneously. Under this situation, the ones believed their minds were influenced by the others. Also there is another situation. The ones have determined to do with something but the people around him don’t agree with his decisions. So they try to persuade him by telling their own opinions. If the person listened to their suggestions, he maybe changes his ideas and thus follows the others’ way. This is also the possibility in which way the others’ minds influenced one’s. For example, a girl fall in love with his boyfriend but she doesn’t know how to handle this love between her and the boy. So she asks her mother for help. Her mother may give some suggestions and tell the stories between her father and her mother. The other situation is that the girl decides to do something without her mother’s permission. Hence her mother tries to persuade her daughter to follow in her way. With the daughter’s compromise, the mother accomplishes to affect her daughter’s behavior in her way. From the example mentioned above, it can be clearly noticed that a few individuals or small groups can easily affect the persons around them by persuading and suggestions.
Moreover, the essential of society effect is also the people effect. As it is well known, the units of the society are people living in it. Every person influences the others by his own minds such as morality and value conception. Thus from a general conception, it can be say that it just like a chain that one influences another, another affects the others. Under all these influences, the social gradually establish its morality and value conceptions which all of its population believe. This is the procedure the society ideology’s forming. Then the society carry out its rules and laws to define the persons’ thoughts and actions directly and using the society ideology indirectly. Hence, though someone may argues that the society effect is exclusive from people effect, as a matter of face, it is easily understand they are the same.
In addition, though the other people and society influences one’s action and thoughts, it is one’s duty to do the things under his or her determination. Choosing what to do and what not to is one’s basic right. On solving all the problems around us, we must first be rely on ourselves and trust ourselves, taking some advices from the others and the society.
To sum up, this issue is complex and controversial. By gathering the two aspects of it may generate an integrate one which is better than any of it, we may comfortable to say, one’s minds and behaviors are influenced by the people around them, indeed the essential of society effect is also the people effect. 改好了明天发上来 xiexie 您辛苦了 最初由 danmong 发布
xiexie 您辛苦了
您就免了吧,我还不老. 22"Many people believe that a few individuals or small groups (family, friends, teachers, celebrities, for example) have caused them to think and behave in the way they do. Yet it is always society as a whole that defines us and our attitudes, not a few individuals."
Recently there is a debate over whether people’s behaviors are defined by a few individuals or the whole society. Some people argue that the former is true but the others advocate the latter one is correct. However, different people hold different views according to their own backgrounds. Under a case-by-case analysis, I hold the opinion that People’s actions are mainly influenced by a few individuals or small groups, not by the society.
First of all, the people around us usually influence our actions directly and immediately. Everyone can’t handle everything sophisticated（这个词一般指圆滑世故，用在这里似乎不太好） thus they may be afraid to do wrong(be afraid of failure 似乎更好一些) when they do something for the first time.（这句话的前后因果关系好像不明显） How can they get the experiences? How can they handle the（删掉the） things easily? They ask the person who has knowledge in that field. (前面这一段有些啰嗦)Once the other persons（前面是单数，后面是复数。要统一。） give the suggestions on solving this（代词使用不当。前面并没有提到具体的哪个problem,不要轻易用this） problem, the one may think over and follow the others’ suggestions spontaneously. Under this situation, the ones(又是单复数问题) believed their minds were influenced by the others.（这句话有什么意思？好像和你的论点没什么关系） Also there is another situation. The ones（The ones 读着总是别扭） have determined to do with something but the people around him don’t agree with his decisions. So they try to persuade him（注意性别：him or her） by telling their own opinions. If the person(还是单复数。后面再有类似的错误不再指出了，以后一定注意) listened to their suggestions, he maybe changes his ideas and thus follows the others’ way. This is also the possibility in which way the others’ minds influenced one’s.（There is,不是This is.后面的in which way …不太通）For example, a girl fall in love with his boyfriend but she doesn’t know how to handle this love between her and the boy. So she asks her mother for help. Her mother may give some suggestions and tell the stories between her father and her mother.（这个例子有点意思，不过不是很有说服力） The other situation is that the girl decides to do something without her mother’s permission. Hence her mother tries to persuade her daughter to follow in her way. With the daughter’s compromise, the mother accomplishes to affect her daughter’s behavior in her way. From the example mentioned above, it can be clearly noticed that a few individuals or small groups can easily affect the persons around them by persuading and suggestions.
读着有些晕。
1太长了，内容有些多。
2逻辑有些含混，看着不甚清楚。
3语言上表述啰嗦，有些绕。
4 语言上注意
A 单复数问题
B 代词和冠词的运用
Moreover, the essential of society effect is also the people effect.（大概懂你的意思，可是机改的计算机呢？判卷的老外呢？不通。The essential effect of a society is always performed by its people.你要表达得是不是这个意思？） As it is well known, the units of the society are people living in it. Every person influences the others by his own minds such as morality and value conception. Thus from a general conception, it can be say（said） that it just like a chain that one influences another, another affects the others.(another affects the others?改一下：that a society is just like a big net[感觉用net要比chain好一些] in which everyone is a node affecting others around him or her.我也是现编的，不一定好多少。你再斟酌一下)Under all these influences, the social gradually establish its morality and value conceptions which all of its population believe（believe in）. This is the procedure the society ideology’s forming.(This is this the forming procedure of a society ideology.)Then the society carry out its rules and laws to define the persons’ thoughts and actions directly and using the society ideology indirectly. Hence, though someone may argues that the society effect is exclusive from people effect, as a matter of face, it is easily understand they are the same.
In addition, though the other people and society influences（忍不住了，又是单复数和泛指特指！） one’s action（还是一样的问题） and thoughts, it is one’s duty to do the things under his or her determination. Choosing what to do and what not to is one’s basic right. On solving all the problems around us, we must first be rely on ourselves and trust ourselves, taking some advices from the others and the society.
觉着这段有些多余，和文章主题无关。
To sum up, this issue is complex and controversial.（复杂和有争议的？到结尾应该给出明确的结论，不要出现这样的话。） By gathering the two aspects of it may generate an integrate one which is better than any of it,（主语在哪里？） we may comfortable to say,（两个分句之间怎能没有任何连词？重起一句。） one’s minds and behaviors are influenced by the people around them, indeed the essential of society effect is also the people effect.
总的来说写的一般。
1语言上的一些基本的问题搞得我很是头大。以后一定注意了，犯这种低级错误会给阅卷人很不好的印象。
2 对句子的把握不是很好，很多地方说不出来有什么语病，但就是读者不顺。
3 第一段罗嗦了，有不少重复的地方。
4 逻辑结构上总论点和分论点的关系把握得不是很好。有些脱节，似乎看不出总论点包含分论点。
5 好像就第一段有论据，后面的都是在说理，有些单薄。
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