Issue130, welcome to evaluate my 3rd issue and you are appreciated.
130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help
bring about a better society."
One gifted Chinese scholar names Liang Qichao once said that, "One nation's destiny is determined by its children. If the children are powerful, then the nation is powerful; If the children are prosperous, then the nation is prosperous; If the children are independent, then the nation is independent". Definitely, this motto is full of wisdom and bears profound instructional meaning for all of us civilians. As far as I know, unfortunately, our people in the society have not learn how to raise children who can kelp bring about a better society.
To begin with, some people may take it for granted that the children are the growing generation and have almost created no contribution to our society due to their lack of no practical skills and labor capability. Yet, a careful examination would reveal that the children, though producing no apparent influence on us society, are potential leaders and creators of social wealth. The more potent the children, the brighter future a society will be. Suppose that our society is filled with rational, useful, and industrious doctors and preachers, teachers and layers, researchers and instructors and so on, then we would produce more social wealth and live in a more efficient and convenient condition.
In addition, many people may also sincerely believe that sufficing what the children asked for is the proper and best way to raise children. However, one does not have to go very far to see that many more children who get easily what they consider have gradually been losing valuable capabilities of self-judgment, effective reasoning, complete independence and even worse, developing into juvenile delinquency. To illustrate, one originally kind child would like to steal others digital camera for the reason that his mother did not buy a Japanese famous brand of Sony one for him. Another child would blame his father for that it is because his parents had not sent for a family tutor that leads to his failure in the college admission examination. What a absurd logic. Under this circumstance, the children themselves have not taken the responsibility of developing their capabilities for moving toward opportunities and for assume the task endowed by the society.
Last but not least, there is another misconception that some people may deeply hold is that the school, instead of the family, is the first important factor in raising children. But, they fail to notice that the family, especially the first grade relatives, such as parents, grandparents, and older sisters and brothers play a important role in instructing children and have a unutterable influence on their shaping their late behaviors. As one of young criminal reported on television complained, "I have ever had one warm and happy family till my parents got divorced when I was just 7 years old. After that, my father often drank outside, leaving me alone at home. Sometimes he brought home several men to play mah-jong and smoke on and on. No body cares for my life and I often play truant...." What happened following is beyond our imagination, but the sole result is that another child has been ruined by the bankrupt family.
In summary, from what have been discussed above, we can easily come to the conclusion that our people have not learn how to raise children who can kelp bring about a better society. It is high time for us to claim the voice for the bottom of our heart that "Please, help our children!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thank you for evaluation. 这是一个互助的论坛，每个人都要从此获益，前提是付出。无论水平高低，都要参与互评，哪怕你只挑出一个错误，哪怕还是挑错了。
One gifted Chinese scholar names（named） Liang Qichao once said that, "One nation's destiny is determined by its children. If the children are powerful, then the nation is powerful; If the children are prosperous, then the nation is prosperous; If the children are independent, then the nation is independent"（原话说的是 youth吧？）. Definitely, this motto is full of wisdom and bears profound instructional meaning for all of us civilians. As far as I know, unfortunately, our people in the（the用的太多，而且没有道理，下面很多，我不一一指出了，自己看） society have not learn(时态？原型吗？) how to raise children who can kelp（？？拿word检查过吗？genie05好像给你说过一次。！） bring about a better society. （最后的从句不合适，能拿来定children吗？建议提出TS，要肯定一些，让人有方向感，have not learned sth. 只用unfortunately表明态度似乎有一点弱。）开头引用名人名言我个人提倡，至少不会plagiarism。
To begin with, some people may take it for granted that the children are the growing generation and have almost created（为什么用完成时？） no contribution to our society due to their lack of no practical skills and labor capability. Yet, a careful examination would reveal that the children, though producing（placing 好像是固定搭配） no apparent influence on us（所有格） society, are potential leaders and creators of social wealth. The more potent （potential更合适一些吧？）the children, the brighter future a society will be.（前后两句都有问题，至少应该对称吧，一个有谓语一个没有，society是future，什么话？） Suppose that our society is filled with rational, useful, and industrious doctors and preachers, teachers and layers, researchers and instructors and so on, then we would produce more social wealth and live in a more efficient and convenient condition. （第二句是主题句吗？要是的话，没有支持点，后面两句有点begging the question。）
In addition, many people may also sincerely believe that sufficing what the children asked（为什么用过去时，无特殊原因建议用一般现在） for is the proper and best（proper和best矛盾吧？怎好用and连接） way to raise（重复，建议查字典换一个，如grow等。） children. However, one does not have to go very far to see that many more children who get easily what they consider have gradually been losing valuable capabilities of self-judgment, effective reasoning, complete independence and even worse, developing into juvenile delinquency. To illustrate, one originally kind child would like to steal others digital camera for the reason that his mother did not buy a Japanese famous brand of Sony one for him. Another child would blame his father for that it is because his parents had not sent for a family tutor that leads to his failure in the college admission examination. What a absurd logic. Under this circumstance, the children themselves have not taken the responsibility of developing their capabilities for moving toward opportunities and for assume（原型？） the task endowed by the society.
Last but not least, there is another misconception that some people may deeply hold is that the school, instead of the family, is the first important factor in raising children. But, they fail to notice that the family, especially the first grade relatives, such as parents, grandparents, and older sisters and brothers（also） play a important role in instructing children and have a unutterable（只是一部分吧？这个词不合适） influence on their shaping their late（later） behaviors.（这样用独立主格我拿不准，你再想想，两个their容易混淆。） As one of young criminal reported on television complained, "I have ever had one warm and happy family till my parents got divorced when I was just 7 years old. After that, my father often drank outside, leaving me alone at home. Sometimes he brought home several men to play mah-jong and smoke on and on. No body cares for my life and I often play truant...." What happened following is beyond our imagination（为什么beyond）, but the sole result is that another child has been ruined by the bankrupt family.例子很好，可以支持本段论点。
In summary, from what have been discussed above, we can easily come to the conclusion that our people have not learn how to raise children who can kelp（怎么又是它，我都有一点怀疑自己的词霸（只有海藻）了，真的有这个词吗？什么意思？） bring about a better society. It is high time for us to claim the voice for the bottom of our heart that "Please, help our children!"
文章结构还好，主要是语言和论证的问题。
还有，现在贴文章的人少了，但也要注意互助啊！ 关于开头的引用名言，我持保留态度，不过千万注意准确。 感谢上面同学对我作文的批改， 一定是花了好些功夫，我也从中受益匪浅。几点说明：
1. 本题给我的感觉是似乎难以找到一个明确的论点，我是应该侧重于评论“How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.” 还是评论“Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.”。我觉得难以把握， 你们觉得呢？
2. “The more potent （potential更合适一些吧？）the children, the brighter future a society will be.（前后两句都有问题，至少应该对称吧，一个有谓语一个没有，society是future，什么话？）” 改为“The more potent the children are, the brighter future a society will bear.”另外我认为potent 不要改为potential, 前者是有力强大的意思， 后者是潜在的意思， 不太一样。
3. 正文第一段，我用Suppose that 这样的引申法作了一下论证，并没有回避什么呀（begging the question），你们觉得不妥当吗？
4. 我在正文三段里， 分别用引申，例证，引用，三种论证手法， 你们没有看出来吗？我以为这样可以丰富文章的论证手法，没想到并不能引起读者的注意！我该怎样才好？
5. 还有我就想要问一下，我正文里每段的论证是否能证明我每段提出的分论点？如不行，问题在那？应如何改进？
感激不尽！！ 首先，个人对事物的观点认识的角度和内容都不同，但必须承认，换一个角度认识，可以提高自己。这就是issue要互相讨论的原因。我也会从你那个角度看一看，但习惯了批判，而不是发掘优点，局限吧！
1、我认为转折后，重点在后面，论证learned or not learned。
2、当然不一样，children 什么都没有掌握，怎么会potent，但可以后来potent，就是potential，个人意见。另外，society要不要定一下，就是与children同一个society。
3、论点是关于potential leader 后面是live in ..... condition， 我认为不能支持原论点。
4、 论证的基本方法：
（1） 归纳论证：即从个别事例中归纳出一个一般性（普遍性）结论。
（2） 演绎论证：即从一般性结论演绎出一个个别的论断。
（3） 类比论证：也称比喻论证。通过讲故事，打比方的办法，将类似的两件事作比较，从而得也结论的形象性较强的论证方法。
（4） 对比论证，通过个别与个别的对立性比较，使结论确立。
（5） 分析论证：又称因果论证。即通过对事理原因或结果的周密分析从而论证论点的正确性，合理性。这种方法能够把议论深入下去，很好地回答读者所关心的为什么的问题。
（6） 引证论证：即用经典言论或人们公认的道理，规则及国家法规，条令等证明论点的方法。
（7） 排他论证：这是一种间接的反证方法。即作者为了证明自己观点的正确，先证明与自己观点相矛盾的另一个或几个论点的错误，以破求立来证明自己的观点的正确。
（8） 引申论证：即通过对某一结论的合理引申，使正确主张得以发扬，令错误观点充分暴露。
这是我查到的论证方法，我只是从ETS的范文出发，我没有看到有引申论证，也不知道是不是适用于issue，看看别的高手怎么认为。
5、改进方法就是自己先看自己写的文章，看能不能被说服，从argument的角度。或是看别人的文章，能被说服吗，或范文是怎么说服别人的？ 上面同学的精彩点评让我茅塞顿开。小弟真是感激不尽！ 这篇文章在精华区有很多人写过，建议自己搜索一下。
这个题目是我理解的最难的一个题目，到现在我还是把握不好，还好考试没有遇到这个。
不过关于引申的论证方法，我不是太支持，当然也不是说就是单纯的就事论事，可是如果走太远的话，首先多说多错，再来字过多，而且冲散原来的主题，毕竟这个作文是应试。
to genie05
I wonder why you call this animal little pig, I think it is a little rabbit.
页:
[1]