[分享]每日一评！2.11！精彩例证与逃避关键词的跑题倾向遗憾
每日一评：精彩例证与逃避关键词的跑题倾向遗憾Issue
"A person's own habits and attitudes often limit that person's freedom more than do restrictions imposed by others."
I strongly agree with the contention that we often limit our own freedom through our habits and attitudes. By limiting our own freedom, we often serve our own interests. And as we learn this lesson, we cultivate certain attitudes and habits--particularly in our relationships with others--by which we apply that lesson, and which continue throughout life. 开篇只字不提more这个关键字眼，而从前半句：we often limit our own freedom开始起笔。
To appreciate that from an early age we ingrain in ourselves habits that serve to constrain our freedom, one need look no further than the neighborhood playground. Even without adult supervision, a group of youngsters at play invariably establish mutually agreed-upon rules of conduct--whether or not a sport or game is involved. Children learn that without any rules for behavior the playground bully usually prevails. Thus our habit of making choices that constrain our own freedom stems from our desire to protect our own interests, and it begins at an early age. 精彩的例证，直截了当证明自己的观点：We constrain ourselves so as to protect our own interests，也就找到了现象的原因。
进一步展开：This habit of making choices that constrain our own freedom continues into our adult lives. As we mature, most of us develop the attitude that monogamous relationships are preferable to polygamous ones--thus our habit of entering into exclusive pair-bonding relationships. During our teens we agree to "go steady," then as adults we voluntarily enter into marriage contracts. As we enter the working world, we carry these attitudes and habits with us. We eagerly engage in exclusive employment relationships---with the attitude that the security of steady income is preferable to the "freedom" of not knowing where our next paycheck will come from. Even people who prefer self-employment to job security quickly develop the attitude that the only way to preserve their autonomy is to constrain themselves in terms of their agreements with clients and customers, and especially in terms of how they use their me. 一连串的现实现象，相当强力而华丽的例证，每一个例子里面都透出来“protect our interest”，这样一来既不是堆砌例子，也不是讲故事，而在举完例子之后由于分析性的语言已经融到例子里面了，稍微收一下就大功告成，非常值得我们学习。此外，从childhood一直啰嗦到adulthood也是经常用的一个技巧，不过前提是的确得有那样恰当的例证。
到此为止都还停留在前半句，而这里终于开始有点涉及后面的内容了：Those who disagree that we tend to restrict our own freedom through our habits and attitudes involving personal and employment relationships might cite the often-heard complaint about life's circumstances leaving one with "no choice."开始提及limitation imposed by others，虽然换了表达的词语。 One complaining person might feel trapped in a job or a marriage, by their boss or partner. Another complainant might blame his or her spendthrift habits on enticing advertisements, the pressure to appear successful, and so forth. However, people in situations such as these are not actually at the mercy of others. Instead, they have a significant degree of personal freedom, but simply choose one alternative over others that might be less appealing or even self-defeating.论点精辟 For example, almost every person who blames someone else for being trapped in a job is simply choosing to retain a certain measure of financial security.紧跟着就是一个例子上来，相当的紧凑而有力 The choice to forego this security is always available, although it might carry unpleasant consequences. 暗含的意思：最根本的仍然是limitation set by ourselves，但是并没有在文章直接点明。
返回来再来说前半部分：That through our attitudes we serve to constrain our own freedom is evident on a societal level as well. Just as children at a playground quickly develop the habit of imposing rules and regulations on themselves, as a society we do the same. After all, in a democracy our system of laws is an invention of the people. For example, we insist on being bound by restrictions for operating motor vehicles, for buying and selling both real and personal property, and for making public statements about other people. Without these restrictions, we would live in continual fear for our physical safety, the security of our property, and our personal reputation and dignity.相当平和的例子都来自身边，并且相当贴切，这也是社会/行为题材的一个特点 Thus most of the rules and regulations we claim are imposed on us we have ultimately imposed on ourselves, as a society, in order to protect ourselves. 反回来又点到了最初的论点上
In the final analysis, in contenting that our habits and attitudes "often" serve to restrict our freedom more than restraints that others place on us do, the statement does not even go far enough. Despite our occasional sense that others are restricting our choices, on both an individual and a societal level we are ultimately the ones who, through our attitudes and habits, limit our own freedom.结尾进行强化。
这篇文章的优点：如果不看原题，绝对是一篇精彩的立论文章，开头从the contention that we often limit our own freedom through our habits and attitudes开始，进行了两段非常强的支持，中间做一个比较并提出了精辟的论点，最后的时候又返回到该contention，几乎是无懈可击的一篇文章。然而，如果参见原题，原文对于关键字more的逃避恐怕是难辞其咎。不妨考虑："A person's own habits and attitudes often limit that person's freedom more than do restrictions imposed by others." 和 People usually set limitations to restrict their own freedoms，甚至是It is the people themselves，not the circumstances，that set limitation… 彼此之间的区别相当明显，在立论和驳论的同时原题中的比较是不能够逃避的。第三body的遮遮掩掩的关于more的分析本可以成为峰回路转之笔，但无奈一开始的基调就定在了that contention上面，没有办法，最后还是给扣了回去。而这篇文章真正应该做到的，是在开头提出对于谁是more的论点，然后最后扣到这里。例如作者的观点，应该在开头提出people themselves这边是那个more，后面三段大可不动（微调），然后在最后第四段把重心放在对more的分析和深化上，这样一来就算得上功德圆满了。
看到的人还不多，顶一下 顶，好文。
希望有更多的人看见。 佩服佩服
imong 的分析果然深刻。 题眼相当之重要呀！ :mad: Ding!!! 这文彩好让人羡慕得说
imong地分析不是一般深刻
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