issue3 我的第一篇，快绝望了，求帮助与批评，越狠越好
我的第一篇，很烂，自己看了都想砸得东西，但是，恳请各位大哥大姐给指条路，我这样写算跑题吗？词语很贫乏，我该怎么办？Issue 3 “It is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long-term research that might help future generations."
While we enjoy the fruits of industrialization and modernization, we cannot neglect the negative aspect those brought out. Technology is a two-edged sword no matter whether we are willing to admit. On the one hand, it leads to the thriving and prosperity of the whole society, on the other hand, it really bring out some serious problem in every aspect of the society both in our moral custom and ethics such as the pollution of environment, the arising of social crimes and unemployment. Facing the dilemma resulting by the progress of the technology, many people think it is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long-term research that might help future generations. There’s no doubt that society and government should focus on the sensitive and sharp problems, but as for the chronic even more important than the present ones, the above issue exceeds my support.
Patently, a stable and thriving society is based on the degree of satisfaction of the public. The evidence suggests that, on balance people today tend to concern themselves with only practical matters that are related to their life. In order to gain the mostly support the citizenry, governments tend to allocate more funds and energy to satisfy the immediately needs people call for. So almost every society and government attach much importance to the drugs, unemployment, natural disasters, arterials of communicants, in order to accomplish the betterments of social welfare, increase of economic efficiency, and the better contentment concerning the living standard, government devote tremendous material force and energy. All those efforts mentioned above facility our life, and contribute to the stable and thriving of the society.
Admittedly, the people are the makers of history and the masters of the society, according to some extend to the avid, short-insight, selfish of humanity, some thing which some individuals do not think significant do some thing that is severe and contributes much to the accelerating of steps of the civilization of the human beings even more significant whose importance is ignored or maybe cannot be perception until future in fact. Environment is a case in point. With the advent of Industrial Evolution, the problem of environment is more and more marked, some western countries were not conscious of its serious consequences till recently, when we fully realize its server, the world has long been it now. More terribly, some developing countries still are blinding to the detriment of the pollution of the environment. Also as individuals, we need more quantity and lower charging of energy ascribe to the dependence on modern electronic auto machine. If only for the current interests, we may reach an agreement concerning exploiting as much traditional energy sources such as rude oil and coal as possible. But why multitude of scientists endeavor all their energy and time to the discovery or invention of new energy source which can be used to institutes the extant ones? The solitary explanation is we cannot neglect our children, we must help future generations, even more to some extend that helping others means helping ourselves, all in all the crisis of energy source and environment as well as the anti-terrorist are something we’ll confront one day even have to face to now.
Some long-term research and invest may not have the immediately guarantee and remuneration, such as the education and some space explore. But we can not dwell and stand still, what we expect is not the boom of prosperity but the continuity of stability and thriving.
To achieve the sustained development of economic and society we need to call for a balance of solving problem between existing, immediate and chronic which will bless all of us. Nan
Issue 3 “It is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long-term research that might help future generations."
While we enjoy the fruits of industrialization and modernization, we cannot neglect the negative aspect those brought out. Technology is a two-edged sword no matter whether we are willing to admit（no matter we admit it or not即可，不过我觉得这半句完全没有必要，可以省略）. On the one hand, it leads to the thriving and prosperity of the whole society, on the other hand, it really bring（少s） out some serious problem（前面是some，这里应该有s） in every aspect of the society both in our moral custom and ethics（moral custom and ethics基本上是一回事，没必要用both） such as the pollution of environment（environment pollution即可）, the arising of social crimes and unemployment.前面讲技术带来的社会问题，花的笔墨太多了，其实立刻可以进入正题。 Facing the dilemma resulting by the progress of the technology, many people think it is more important to allocate money for immediate, existing social problems than to spend it on long-term research that might help future generations. There’s（正式行文请避免使用缩略语） no doubt that society and government should focus on the sensitive and sharp problems, but as for the chronic even more important than the present ones, the above issue exceeds my support.不明白最后半句话的意思
Patently（这个词很少见，不如apparently）, a stable and thriving society is based on the degree of satisfaction of the public对什么东西的满意度？. The evidence（你用的是the，说明上文已经提到过了，可是你并没有说起哪里有evidence） suggests that, on balance people today tend to concern themselves with only practical matters that are related to their life. In order to gain the mostly support the citizenry（别扭，不如in order to gain support from people as much as possible）, governments tend to allocate more funds and energy to satisfy the immediately needs people call for.这句话就这么带过去了，可惜，其实这里才是重点所在。为什么政府重视短期利益呢？因为他们有固定的任期，在任期里做出事情就得到选票了。这注定了政治家的行为都是短期的。这完全可以展开说。 So almost every society and government attach much importance to the drugs, unemployment, natural disasters, arterials of communicants, in order to accomplish the betterments（罗嗦，better或improve即可） of social welfare, increase of economic efficiency, and the better contentment concerning the living standard, government devote（少s） tremendous material force and energy. All those efforts mentioned above facility（应用动词形式） our life, and contribute to the stable and thriving of the society.
Admittedly, the people are the makers of history and the masters of the society, according to some extend to the avid, short-insight, selfish of humanity, some thing which some individuals do not think significant do some thing that is severe and contributes much to the accelerating of steps of the civilization of the human beings even more significant whose importance is ignored or maybe cannot be perception until future in fact（从第二行开始你就没有一个标点符号。毕竟我们都不是出GRE阅读题的人，没必要把句子写得这么复杂，还容易出错）. Environment is a case in point. With the advent of Industrial Evolution, the problem of environment is more and more marked（最好是serious）,这里应用句号 some western countries were not conscious of its serious consequences till recently, when we fully realize its server, the world has long been it now. More terribly, some developing countries still are blinding to the detriment of the pollution of the environment. Also as individuals, we need more quantity and lower charging of energy ascribe to the dependence on modern electronic auto machine. 用于描述环境污染的笔墨太多了，只要稍微交代一下即可，因为你要论述的重点是该不该把钱花在这上面，这一点你又说得很少。If only for the current interests, we may reach an agreement concerning exploiting as much traditional energy sources such as rude oil and coal as possible. But why multitude of scientists（multitude of scientists这样的说法实在别扭） endeavor all their energy and time to the discovery or invention of new energy source which can be used to institutes the extant ones? The solitary explanation is we cannot neglect our children, we must help future generations, even more to some extend that helping others means helping ourselves, all in all the crisis of energy source and environment as well as the anti-terrorist are something we’ll confront one day even have to face to now.
Some long-term research and invest may not have the immediately guarantee and remuneration, such as the education and some space explore. But we can not dwell and stand still, what we expect is not the boom of prosperity but the continuity of stability and thriving.
To achieve the sustained development of economic and society we need to call for a balance of solving problem between existing, immediate and chronic which will bless all of us
你对the的用法好象还不太清楚，只要指上文已经提到过的事物时才用the，而其他一般名词都是用复数形式，或在前面加冠词a。
还有标点的问题，一句话只能有一个主语和谓语，如果有两个以上，请用句号分开。或者用连接词。
文章中长句太多了，在你没有把握掌握好之前，还是少用长句为妙，宁可用连接词把短句连接起来。
另外，你对笔墨的分配还没有重视。我相信这篇文章你一定用了不止一个小时，那考试怎么办？这要求你合理分配篇幅，把时间用在最关键、最需要论述的地方，而不是在铺垫的地方用一大兑笔墨。
还有如果对自己的水平不自信，就不要用一些难词，用最普通的词完全可以写成6分的文章。
其实你这篇文章比你自己描述得好得多，并没有那么糟糕。你的问题我已经给你指出，希望你多多练习，勤奋阅读
建议你看看精华区的范文，分析他们是怎么说理的。还有这篇文章里讲的思路，非常值得学习。https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=130665&highlight=%BD%CC%C2%DF%BC%AD
你这篇文章，类似的和相关的文章可能有许多前人写过，或者还有范文。你可以搜索一下，对照一下这些文章。 或参照该帖：《在本版找前人作文的方法》http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=154812&highlight=%CC%E2%BA%C5
希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。尤其是提点结构上和想法上的建议。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！我想你可能对自己的水平没信心，但是你只要参与别人的讨论，自己的思路也会打开，改变目前说理不透彻的情况。到目前为止你都是闷头写，几乎从来没有参与过别人的讨论，闭门造车行不通的，尤其对基础不是太好的同学。真的。
平时最好也能多多阅读，不要读过就算，要注意人家的谋篇布局、用词、构思等等，对你的作文大有好处，同时也有助于你的阅读 最初由 paisley 发布
不要用一些难词，用最普通的词完全可以写成6分的文章。
是啊, 进作文版前, 我一定要打开金山词霸 :o
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