重点的技术类，Issue16，老大们帮忙看看
Issue. 16 “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.”Do conveniences of contemporary life actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals, as the speaker maintains? I agree with the speaker to the extent that nowadays people become more and more dependent on the conveniences contemporary technology presents us. However, such luxuries and conveniences on the other hand save time so that people can do much more than before. Understandably, we should strike a balance between the dependence on conveniences and advantage of technology.
First, people today more depend on contemporary conveniences than ever before. With development of scientific technology, society undergoes great improvement and our life quality is much advanced. People today enjoy much more conveniences and luxuries modern technology brings than before, e.g. conveniences granted by TV, computer, refrigerator and locomotive. TV and internet inform people with different kinds of knowledge, even what happens immediately in the outside world; refrigerator keeps food and drink fresh; locomotive sends people where they want to go in much shorter period than before. When people enjoy all the conveniences of contemporary life, people become more and more dependent on modern technology ,and even worse, lose their independent beings in the convenient world. This dependence places human beings into jeopardy. Suppose one day people lose such conveniences and luxuries, what will happen to the people who have been accustomed to technology? For example, once electricity is cut, every thing goes into chaos. Without TV and internet, people lose the main information channel; without fridge, food and drink go bad; without cars, buses, planes and modern transport tools alike, people hardly can go anywhere in distance. A famous power cut in United States presents us a concrete example. Exceptionally extensive power breakdown in Helsinki on 23 August 2003 was due to human error and the protection system did not function as desired.Eastern metropolitan area was sent into darkness and chaos, suffering great economic loss . Even now nobody can guarantee that power cut wouldn’t happen again. It help people realize how much people depend on nowadays technologies. What will it be, if we lose the conveniences one day? In the sense, too much attachment to luxuries and conveniences may place human in danger.
Second, conveniences today also short our time used on minor matters and accelerate efficiency in our daily life. so that people can spare their time to do more significant things rather than trifles. For instance, by printing people get more accurate and faster copies than manual writing before. The time people waste on coping with hands is really spared to do more important things, say, thinking. Also, the transport tools serve the same function to save time in walking or riding on horse to get the density, in particular in distance. Computer and machines alike spare us from the tiresomely repetitive work such as counting. Why lots of workers are replaced by machines is because that work requires little thinking and technique. By transferring such work to machines, people are spared from trifling things to concentrate on significant matters, say exploring new field in science. In this sense, conveniences is really helpful.
To sum up, with the progress our society has made, people today become more and more dependent on the contemporary conveniences. It is not secure to the extent that one day people suddenly lose the conveniences. On the other hand, technology indeed bring people higher quality of life and larger conveniences which short time in doing minute things so that our time is spared to finish more things of great value. We should call a balance between the dependence on contemporaries and great advantage which can be taken of technology. Issue. 16 “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.”
Do conveniences of contemporary life actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals, as the speaker maintains? I agree with the speaker to the extent that nowadays people become more and more（美语中没这个用法，改increasingly） dependent on the conveniences contemporary technology presents us（怎么好怪啊，是不是中间再加个that啊 ）. However, such luxuries and conveniences on the other hand save time so that people can do much more than before. Understandably, we should strike a balance between the dependence on conveniences and advantage of technology.
First, people today more depend on contemporary conveniences than ever before. With development of scientific technology, society undergoes great improvement and our life quality is much advanced. People today enjoy much more conveniences and luxuries modern technology brings than before, e.g. conveniences granted by TV, computer, refrigerator and locomotive. TV and internet inform people with different kinds of knowledge, even what happens immediately in the outside world; refrigerator keeps food and drink fresh; locomotive sends people where they want to go in much shorter period than before. When people enjoy all the conveniences of contemporary life, people become more and more （改）dependent on modern technology ,and even worse, lose their independent beings in the convenient world. （我觉得你应该转一下，这里）This dependence places human beings into jeopardy. Suppose one day people lose such conveniences and luxuries, what will happen to the people who have been accustomed to technology? For example, once electricity is cut, every thing goes into chaos. Without TV and internet, people lose the main information channel; without fridge, food and drink go bad; without cars, buses, planes and modern transport tools alike, people hardly can go anywhere in distance. A famous power cut in United States presents us a concrete example. Exceptionally extensive power breakdown in Helsinki on 23 August 2003 was due to human error and the protection system did not function as desired. Eastern metropolitan area was sent into darkness and chaos, suffering great economic loss . Even now nobody can guarantee that power cut wouldn’t happen again. It help（s） people realize how much people depend on nowadays technologies. What will it be, if we lose the conveniences one day? In the sense, too much attachment to luxuries and conveniences may place human in danger.（我觉得你的TS没给摆正，看看第一句再看看结尾句吧）
Second, conveniences today also short（en） our time used on minor matters and accelerate efficiency in our daily life. （，）so that people can spare their time to do more significant things rather than trifles. For instance, by printing people get more accurate and faster copies than manual writing before. The time people waste on coping with hands is really spared to do more important things, say, thinking. Also, the transport tools serve the same function to save time in walking or riding on horse to get the density, in particular in distance. Computer and machines alike spare us from the tiresomely repetitive work such as counting. Why lots of workers are replaced by machines is because that work requires little thinking and technique. By transferring such work to machines, people are spared from trifling things to concentrate on significant matters, say exploring new field in science. In this sense, conveniences is（are） really helpful.
To sum up, with the progress our society has made, people today become more and more （改）dependent on the contemporary conveniences. It is not secure to the extent that one day people suddenly lose the conveniences. On the other hand, （我不知道要不要前面那个连着用） indeed bring people higher quality of life and larger conveniences which short time in doing minute things so that our time is spared to finish more things of great value. We should call a balance between the dependence on contemporaries and great advantage which can be taken of technology.
有个很严重的错误，就是你看看第一段，在看看后面段，明显少了balance那一节啊，在老外看来这应该是不行的吧，算离题的哦，还有各段主题和展开一定对应好，这篇句子中重复的次有点多，尽量换换吧。第二段缩点再加个balance到后面就可以了 No.1 重点的技术类，Issue16，老大们帮忙看看
Issue. 16 “Although many people think that the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life are entirely harmless, in fact, they actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals.”
Do conveniences of contemporary life actually prevent people from developing into truly strong and independent individuals, as the speaker maintains? I agree with the speaker to the extent that nowadays people become more and more dependent on the conveniences contemporary technology presents us. ( 那luxury到哪里去了？) However, such luxuries and conveniences on the other hand save time so that people can do much more than before. Understandably, we should strike a balance between the dependence on conveniences and advantage (advantages) of technology.
First, people today more depend on contemporary conveniences than ever before. With development of scientific technology, society undergoes great improvement and our life quality is much advanced. People today enjoy much more conveniences and luxuries modern technology brings than before, e.g. conveniences granted by TV, computer, refrigerator and locomotive. TV and internet inform people with different kinds of knowledge, even what happens immediately in the outside world; refrigerator keeps food and drink fresh; locomotive sends people where they want to go in much shorter period than before. (说的都是好处)When people enjoy all the conveniences of contemporary life, people become more and more dependent on modern technology ,and even worse, lose their independent beings in the convenient world. This dependence places human beings into jeopardy. Suppose one day （不是one day了吧？题目觉得这已经使我们陷入了不能independent的境地了。所以后面最好不要用will.而用if...would）people lose such conveniences and luxuries, what will happen to the people who have been accustomed to technology? For example, once electricity is cut, every thing goes into chaos. Without TV and internet, people lose the main information channel; without fridge, food and drink go bad; (实物变坏是的好处，我们要是没有电冰箱事物一样变坏)without cars, buses, planes and modern transport tools alike, people hardly can go anywhere in distance. A famous power cut in United States presents us a concrete example. Exceptionally extensive power breakdown in Helsinki on 23 August 2003 was due to human error and the protection system did not function as desired.Eastern metropolitan area was sent into darkness and chaos, suffering great economic loss . Even now nobody can guarantee that power cut wouldn’t happen again. It help (helps) people realize how much people depend on nowadays technologies. What will it be, if we lose the conveniences one day? In the sense, too much attachment to luxuries and conveniences may place human in danger.
这一段说了两个意思，一承认了他的好处，而说了人们对他的依赖性。你可以所以ts不能很好地概括，建议分开。
Second, conveniences today also short our time used （spent）on minor matters (minor matters?是什么东西？trivial things) and accelerate efficiency in our daily life. (楼上说了逗号) so that people can spare their time to do more significant things rather than trifles. For instance, by printing people get more accurate and faster copies than manual writing before. The time people waste on coping with hands is really spared to do more important things, say, thinking. Also, the transport tools serve the same function to save time in walking or riding on horse to get the density, in particular in distance. Computer and machines alike spare us from the tiresomely repetitive work such as counting. Why lots of workers are replaced by machines is because that work requires little thinking and technique. By transferring such work to machines, people are spared from trifling things to concentrate on significant matters, say exploring new field in science. In this sense, conveniences is really helpful.
但是这样的便利也产生了很多问题比如失业啊。
To sum up, with the progress our society has made, people today become more and more dependent on the contemporary conveniences. It is not secure to the extent that one day people suddenly lose the conveniences. On the other hand, technology indeed bring people higher quality of life and larger conveniences which short time in doing minute things so that our time is spared to finish more things of great value. We should call a balance between the dependence on contemporaries and great advantage which can be taken of technology.
如果要持中立的看法，我建议不如分开好处坏处。这样会比较清楚和逻辑一点。说理不够深入。感觉需要缜密。既然你考虑两方面的因素。 这么多人给你改啊~~~~
我就提一个建议吧
你的发帖格式是错误的哦~~
我是不改发帖格式错误的文章的 去看看精华帖改过来吧~~~~~~~ 谢谢大家，你们的意见太好了，我发现了我的段内的逻辑很乱，
我老是喜欢在一段内说几个问题，表达几个意思，这是我的很大的缺点。
你们的意见，我会很好接受并改正的
雪夭：你的increasingly，好好噢：）
forwww：谢谢你哦，逻辑很清楚。
猫：我去看了，也改了，不知道今天发的对不对。
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