tesolchina 发表于 2015-4-5 23:08:21

argument 35 同主题练习

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-4-5 23:23 编辑

Topic 35: The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
"One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

最近有些同学在写作文,我看了后感觉还是有些不得要领,也挺为他们着急。这里新写了一篇范文,各位可以考虑先看看我的汉语分析及提纲并照着这个思路试着写一下,然后再回帖可以看看隐藏的范文。



拿到这道题首先要搞清楚前提和结论是什么。这里的结论是在所有的公寓里改装花洒头可以显著提高利润。而前提和证据则包括前三栋公寓改装后没有收到投诉、尚无水表读数以及公司需要每月付水费。这里需要知道利润是由收入和开支决定的,因此可以从这两方面展开讨论。其中开支主要包括水费以及改装的费用,而收入则主要是租金收入。因此需要讨论的问题包括

- 水费是不是真的会节省
- 改装的费用会不会影响利润
- 改装会否赶走现有的和潜在的租客  

还有一个问题我以前也讲过很多次,就是写英语句子的时候不能凭自己的感觉写,按照自己对英语的理解来拼造一些句子表达自己想表达的意思,这样做只有死路一条。正确地做法是多回忆平时读过的母语是英语的人写的文章,用见过的句型和搭配,这样才能写出像样的句子。反过来说,自己写完的文章不要急于给别人改。首先自己要看一遍,对照一下自己能想起来的平时读过的母语是英语的人写的文章,看看自己用的句型、表达、搭配以前见过没,如果没有就要考虑用见过的表达。

什么?你平时没怎么读地道的英语,想不起来有什么地道的表达?这里有位拿到4分的同学的经验或许可以参考下

2月12号北美考的GRE,写作成绩刚刚出来,4分。不算什么高分,但是按王老师的要求,还是想分享下经验,希望能对正在备考的也许和我当时一样绝望的同学们有点帮助。
关于issue:
我最怕的就是issue,因为没话可说。尤其碰到了GRE issue那些关于政府,心理,社会,艺术之类虚无缥缈的题目,更是除了我同意,或者我不同意就憋不出什么理由了。越是怕作文越是不想准备,一直拖到最后一个月左右才不得不动手。这时备考时间已经比较紧迫,加上自己惰性强,没有办法也没有动力按那些备考建议说的每篇作文都列自己的提纲,写50篇左右全文,再计时什么的。由于我想申请的学校对作文的要求是3.5,所以我的策略就是argument争取4到5,issue只要2到3就满足了。考前一周仔细拜读了一下OG上的范文,研究了评分标准之后,自我安慰说issue只要不跑题,有一定字数就有2分了,剩下的借鉴一下北美范文和寄托上王老师和同学们的范文思路差不多就有3分了。我做的就是按照王老师的分类做了一个excel表格,每个类别占一页,然后把每类里的题目都列出来,旁边一栏写上自己的观点和论点,再一栏贴上别人的范文。自己没有观点的从别人的范文里借鉴观点。有的时候受范文启发可以自己想出些类似的例子,比如关于政府是否应该重点资助大城市,王老师的范文中用了纽约的自由女神做例子。我就把这个替换成巴黎的埃弗尔铁塔,这样也勉强过关。当初设想的理想状态是每个题目列个提纲,每大类里写个2,3篇全文,可惜没有实现。

离考试很近的时候才发现这个论坛。当看到论坛上王老师贴的整篇范文的时候我几乎泪流满面啊。我虔诚地把所有的范文都贴到我的excel里,提炼观点,模仿写作套路。看王老师和同学们的讨论很有启发,有几个关键词被不断提到,就是分类讨论,细化问题,思想实验。于是到了没话可说的时候我就试着分类,比如教育方面分成小学初中大学类简直对任何题目都适用。我尝试着写了几篇教育方面的,后来由于懒和没时间,就主要观摩了。



下面是这道题我的写的示范,请回帖后参考。  

**** Hidden Message *****

ee_stone 发表于 2015-4-7 22:07:10

  :handshake

纪晓晴 发表于 2015-4-8 21:54:59

本帖最后由 纪晓晴 于 2015-4-9 23:38 编辑

谢谢老师的点评!根据老师的指点又把文章改了一下,黑线加粗部分是文章小的改动 段首括号中是文章结构的改动。
感觉上次的不足是:没有很好的说清楚中间段和结论的关系,有些地方没有举例子不够具体,以及中间段内部的层次问题、

Topic 35: The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
"One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

According to the letter, the owner suggests modifying the showerheads to restrict maximum water flow in all buildings since it seems to work quiet well in the first three building. The owner claims that this change can decrease the water usage and increase profits for the company. To evaluate the suggestion, we need to ask more detailed questions about the actual amount of water usage and the profits and the attitude of the tenants.

such as 这里用about比较好 要不就得列出一些问题来


(usage of water)(去掉besides主要就是用水的行为,举出一个可能性,做一个关于用户行为的调查)
To begin with, we need to know whether the usage of water (注意时态和情态)decline or not. The tenants’ behavior may change according to the restriction. For example, in the past, they spent 40 minutes going shower and now it will take more than one hour, since the amount of water per minutes is dwindling. If that is the case, the total amount will not decrease. That is to say, we need to compare the length of time in water usage. So we can make a survey to the tenants about whether they will change their behavior as a reaction or solution for the restriction. Until we get enough information about the behavior of tenants, we cannot implement the change unscrupulously.

the tenants’ behavior指的是什么?   这句话没讲完 为什么就扯到survey上面去了  
Besides开始跟前面的内容完全接不上啊  


(profit can increase) (去掉后面住户是否会离开的这个点,放到下一段了~~)
Moreover, we need to know whether the profits can increase by this method. Considering the profits, we should take cost and revenue into account. So if it does increase the profit, we need to know the cost invested. For example, the restriction will require more changes in the infrastructure and the more labors are needed. Thus, we need to analyze how much funds are needed to implement the restriction and we need to know the decline in water usage. Comparing those figures, we can conclude whether they can increase their profits.

take into account的主语怎么能是amount呢  你怎么想的?  
cost invested 指的啥?  

(Real attitude)(增加了用户满意度和收入的联系,把前一段的后面部分写在这一段,先说为什么要了解用户满意度,以及文章中的弱点,建议做一个调查)
In addition, we need to know the real attitude of tenants in all apartments. We need to know whether the change will cause the decline of tenants, which may also affect the revenue. It is not clear that the reaction in first three buildings can represent that in all the buildings. A survey is needed to find out the real attitude of tenants. The few complaints cannot imply the satisfaction of tenants. Maybe they choose to complain with others or they choose to leave. In the other hand, we need to the attitude of tenants in other buildings. If more tenants are not satisfies by the change, they will choose to leave the apartment. In turn, it will lead to the decline of revenue, which will not help the company increase their profits. In other words, the change cannot lead a positive effect on the company.

这个和题目的结论利润增加的关联在哪里 写着写着就离题了 😓  


Overall, more questions is needed to asked and answered. A narrow sample cannot fully represent the whole subject. Thus carefully examination is needed for the company to make a prudent policy.

hjwwjxm 发表于 2015-4-9 13:51:30

本帖最后由 hjwwjxm 于 2015-4-9 20:04 编辑

王老师你好!这是我的第一篇ARGUMENT,请狠批:)

Topic 35: The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
"One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.


In this letter, the owner recommended that all twelve Sunnyside Towers follow the practice of restricting the maximum water in order to increase the profits with the belief that the measure could save considerable water. A number of questions need to be answered in order to evaluate the argument.

The first question we need to investigate is whether the modification of the maximum water flow indeed had indeed saved the water. Since the owner said that the water usage data before and after the adjustment are not available yet, it is hard for us to scrutinize the results. Maybe most people in the three buildings are accustomed to take a bath with average water flow which has nothing to do with the maximum water flow. This could also explain why there was only a few complaints about low water pressure last month.  If that was the case, restricting the water flow would not save the water significantly.


The next issue we need to know is the real attitudes of the tenants. While there were only a few complaints which had been submitted on the low water pressure, it does not mean the resident were completely satisfied with the project. Maybe people were not fully cognizant of the effect of restriction on maximum water flow since they had not received the water bills. Or maybe they were complaining privately and discussing how to make the change or simply decided to terminate the contract and move out of the apartment. Therefore, it is necessary for us to investigate how tenants feel about the change through other methods such as calling or interviewing.

Even if the tenants are completely satisfied with the modification, the issue we still need to look into is the living habits of tenants in bathing. Maybe people don’t need much water flow when bathing now because it is in winter, but with the rise of the temperature in Summer, they may become more eager for the maximized water flow. Therefore, we need to investigate the average water flow with which tenants typically bath a time and how it changes over the year in terms of utilizing database.

In addition, we need more information about the cost to modify the showerheads, the water price and how they balance with rental revenue. Specifically, we want to know if the savings can compensate for the cost for modification. Maybe the water will not be saved much, as we have discussed above, while the cost for modification is the fixed expenses for every tenant in the three buildings. Meanwhile,  rental revenue will shrink if some discontented tenants decide to end the contract. If so, the profits of the Sunnyside Towers complex would be compromised.

Overall speaking, it is understandable that the company looks for ways to increase profits. But this modification should not be extended to more apartments unless the questions raised above are answered and the information collected clearly suggests that this modification is a desirable move.

byt2015 发表于 2015-4-10 13:10:55

谢谢分享

malande 发表于 2015-4-13 16:22:49

11111111111111111111111111

我就是年学霸 发表于 2015-4-14 02:02:36

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

夜锦葵su 发表于 2015-4-19 22:33:47

感谢!

tingdiren 发表于 2015-4-26 15:36:35

参考一下啊

lqksdsg 发表于 2015-4-30 20:05:13

赞!

iwishican 发表于 2015-5-1 19:41:46

:victory::victory::victory:

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-12 20:13:02

这个帖子还没收到博客里呢

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-14 17:40:22

提纲初稿:
Questions about the difference between the actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment, the change of showerhead’s service life caused by the adjustment and the percentage of residents complain about the adjustment should be answered.
To begin with, the question about the difference between the actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment needs to be answered because the water may have been used more after the adjustment.虽然单位时间花洒喷水量降到三分之一,但可能导致人们花更多的用水时间,导致总体用水量增加。
In addition, the question about how service life of the showerhead has changed since the adjustment is need to be answered.水流量减小会导致花洒内水垢沉积速度加快,花洒使用寿命减短,更换花洒频率增高,成本增加。人工成本
Finally, what the percentage of residents complain about the adjustment should be answered.人们没有大面积反映问题不代表没有意见,应该进行民意调查,以免给人们的生活带来不方便。

讨论笔记:
人们会延长shower的时间,盆浴,能否节水
成本是否降低:换花洒头的人工成本,
投诉渠道是否畅通,导致居民不满意则不住在这里了,会不会流失tenant,收入降低,利润减少。
如果真的成本减少那么能否大量减少。水的成本占总的比例是多少,比例较小的话则不可能大量减少

archzang 发表于 2015-8-14 22:30:49

zhen好啊

mint_g 发表于 2015-8-18 15:25:12

!!!!!!!学到了
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