锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-11 19:52:32

锤先森G330的习作提纲--Issue 123

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-11 20:36 编辑

123. The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

My outline:

TS:
As far as I am concerned, I would argue that whether teaching young people a sense of cooperation is the best way to make them prepared for leadership in government, industry or other fields depends on the type of students. For primary school students, it’s better to instill them a sense of cooperation first, while for those young people who are in middle school, teaching them how to compete with others seems to be more essential. Finally, for college school students, it’s essential for them to learn both how to cooperate with others and how to compete with others.

啊,你这样写虽然也有清晰的分类但是似乎对题目中的young people是一种曲解。young people应该理解为15-25 years old,分一类小学生出来未免有些牵强。
这道题我好像写过 你可以参考下我的思路

TS1:
To begin with, for students who are in primary school, learning how to cooperate and get along well with others seems to be better for them if they want to become leadership in their fields in the future. 举例:对于小学生来说基本对竞争没什么概念,然而让他们学会合作和与人相处能让他们结识更多的朋友,从而对他们将来的leadership起到帮助。朋友能让他们开阔眼界,能在他们有困难的时候帮助他们,能提出不一样的看法和意见。一个leadership必须是能综合不同意见,包容各种各样人的人。


become leadership?  

TS2:
Further, for middle school students, learn how to compete with each other will have a positive effect on them if they want to be a leadership in their fields in the future. 和小学生不一样,因升学压力,中学生的课业越来越重,因此,他们自然而然就会有竞争的心理。这时,教会他们正确竞争的概念有助于他们自己的心理承受能力变得更强,变得更加competitive。可以举几个不良竞争中学生的例子:中学生因成绩不好自杀的案例,等等。

TS3:
Finally, college students are more likely to be leadership in their future life if they can well handle how to cooperate and compete with others. 与大多数中学生为了考试独自学习不同,大学的课堂很多时候要求用团队的力量来完成。比如,一个project, 一个experiment, 一个seminar课程,不懂合作将会让大学的学习变得困难许多,从而间接导致一个人的竞争力下降。同时,学会正确的竞争有助于大学生展现出自己不一样的一面[比如团队之间互相竞争更容易体现团队的闪光点],从而让大学生更有可能成为leadership.


还有这道题要求address challenge

这个题目既然题目中明确给出领域了,我觉得也可以从不同领域来分,下次试试看。

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-14 21:02:14

本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-5-14 22:00 编辑

123. The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

抄题抄题

老师好,看了老师上次的评论我觉得既然分类被老师否认了我想思路也基本得重新来了,其实上次的分类自己也觉得不好,没发现老师写了这篇范文那。。。汗。。。下面是我推倒重来的提纲:

不断的改提纲也难为你了 你什么时候考啊 是一战还是二战?  


TS:
As far as I am concerned, I would argue that whether teaching young people a sense of cooperation is the best way to make them prepared for leadership in government, industry or other fields depends on the major of different students. On the one hand, for students whose major are politics, administration and so on, it’s maybe the best way to get them prepared for becoming a leadership by instilling a sense of cooperation. On the other hand, for students that major in engineering, teaching them how to competition seems to be indispensable for them. Finally, for students who study medical or science, maybe learning more knowledge is the most helpful way to get them prepared for becoming the leadership.
[实在不好再想一个折中方面,这里干脆跳出来,另起一个观点,写另外一种可能性算了,文章中标绿的地方是我用来反驳异议的,不知这样行不行]

我觉得这里的major改为profession就ok了  或者说是future professions  
你的主旨句也有三个层次 不错 最后一点我觉得有偏题的风险 毕竟题目说的是竞争与合作 你提到知识的积累 我觉得有点悬


TS1:
To begin with, for students who study politics and administration in college, instilling in them the sense of cooperation seems to be the best way for them to become the leadership in their future life. 作为学习政治,管理类的学生,在以后的职业生涯中和人打交道基本充斥着他们的工作。显然,在这期间合作不可避免,学会合作将会给他们的工作带来极大的便利。比如【这里我觉得可以yy一个调查研究来增加说服力】一项针对学习管理,政治类学生的调查显示那些懂得合作艺术(who well hand the skills of cooperation)的人将比那些合作能力需要提升的人更有可能升职。

TS2:
Further, for students whose major are science and engineering, learning how to compete with competitors seems to be more helpful for them in their future. With the development of science and technology nowadays, the competence, especially in the fields such as manufactory industry or IT industry, becoming increasingly fierce. And people who have less ability to compete with others will be dropped out, not to mention being leadership in their field. 例子:在中国的很多手机公司,例如中兴,华为等,很多年轻人将宿舍安在办公室,夜以继日地加班,因为他们知道如果他们不努力工作的话他们很快就会丢掉饭碗,更别提leadership了。而这些理工科的学生在大学期间通过很多文科学生没有experiment和research已经有了一定的cooperation技巧,因此对他们来说竞争更重要。

这两段你在写的时候要注意不能忽略了leadership这个点 在不同的领域leadership意味着什么是不一样的  
感觉你还没有很合适的例子 比如为什么在企业管理中成为leader 合作很重要呢  


TS3:
Finally, for students who study science and medical, knowing more knowledge seems to add more weight on the possibility of being the leadership. 一些科学领域,虽然合作竞争都很重要,但是比如数学,物理学和医学,那些能成为领军人物的精英无一例外都是拥有广泛知识面的大牛。比如物理学界的Newton不仅是一位物理学家,也是一位哲学家,数学家;还有获得2014年诺贝尔医学奖的John O'Keefe不仅只懂医学而且还有广泛的化学知识。In such fields, the more knowledge you have, the more aspects you can see the problems you meet, and the more possibility you can become a leader in your field.

我觉得你的框架已经出来了 但是具体立论的时候紧扣题目关键词还做得不够 再就是缺少合适的例子



tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-14 22:01:04

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-14 21:02 static/image/common/back.gif
抄题抄题

老师好,看了老师上次的评论我觉得既然分类被老师否认了我想思路也基本得重新来了,其实上 ...

另外我们一般建议在中间段第三段address challenge

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-14 22:03:16

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-14 21:02 static/image/common/back.gif
抄题抄题

老师好,看了老师上次的评论我觉得既然分类被老师否认了我想思路也基本得重新来了,其实上 ...

请你去看看Claret的这篇
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=redirect&goto=findpost&ptid=1830237&pid=1779481371&fromuid=2191404

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-15 00:49:42

本帖最后由 锤先森G330 于 2015-5-15 00:52 编辑

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-14 22:01 static/image/common/back.gif
另外我们一般建议在中间段第三段address challenge

老师好,看了您的回复和推荐范文有几点异议想和您讨论下:
1 关于这道题:
The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
我觉得这个问题是一个二元的关系问题,也就是这个作者认为非A即B,不可能有其他的结果,但是我觉得从argument的观点来看这个问题 这个题建立在 只有 competition 和cooperation 才可能是best way 的基础之上,那么我就想到了为啥不能有他因呢?所以我在这里写出了第三点,不知道能不能这样看。

2 关于紧扣题目的问题:
我下次尽量试着在分论点里更赤裸裸地说明和主题的关系不知行不行,关于例子我也会尽量说明例子观点的关系,这个重要性我知道,在托福作文里已经体会过,这个题目以后有机会写下全文,看address challenge 理解对了没,原来不是很注意;

3 对于GRE来说改提纲我觉得比立即下笔写全文更重要吧。。所以多改几遍没啥啦,我应该在4月25号在微信上给老师做过自我介绍的,工科生,425一战152+168+3.0,托福作文28分,一战之前有专业课考试耽误了一些时间作文没有仔细看,就把老师的evernote打开把issue所有的分类记在心里就上考场了,学校课业较紧张,虽然这分数勉强可以用了但是不甘心还是决定暑假结束8月底左右再考一次,于是准备系统的准备作文,找到老师,慢慢学着写作文,在不占用太多暑假集中复习verbal的同时争取有一定的改变,工科生缺的最多的就是。。。合理的表达例子。。汗。。。托福作文经常就是yy了一个莫须有的实验,调查,等等。。然后让他尽量变得真实一点,估计gre是混不过去了

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-15 07:18:40

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-5-15 00:49 static/image/common/back.gif
老师好,看了您的回复和推荐范文有几点异议想和您讨论下:
1 关于这道题:
The best way for a socie ...

确实应该尽快开始限时写全文
关于第三点的问题 我觉得偏题的风险有点大  
谢谢你的思考和反省 这个也很重要

covan834 发表于 2015-8-8 22:02:49

看看~~~~~

zshjwll 发表于 2018-8-15 23:42:09

学习了
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