TOPIC:  " IT’S NOT REALISTIC FOR ONE TO STAY AT ONE COMPANY OR EMPLOYER ALL THEIR LIFE." |留学|签证|TOEFL|GREF!|AwyQ7E
WORDS: 347         DATE: 4/1/2007 P        J6W2ffk1{B`
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With the society developing so swiftly（发展一般不用swiftly）, everything’s on a change（我查了一下，好像没有这个短语，不如直接用changing）, including people’s idea on life, job, etc.  No one can make a prediction about how things are going on at the next minute. So I agree with the statement about being not realistic for one to stay at one company or employer all their life.
;G|\N*`寄托家园（随着社会发展，一切都在变，所以……就不现实。因果之间没有关系，至少你没有证明他们有关系。）
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The minor possibility of this statement includes he’s in his own family’s enterprise（这个句子我觉得问题大了，应该重写。我举个例子“this statement includes the minor possibility that he’s in his own family’s enterprise”，但即使语法对了，你要说的东西还是有问题）. But I guess the opposite situation（不一定是相反的，只是不同的情况而已）is more likely to happen.
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q!L&k（这段是让步么？如果想说让步的话，我觉得放在最后比较好。）
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OwX留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAAs we just graduate from school, what we mostly（应该most） lack is working experiences（工作经验，应该单数吧）, as the result of which（指代错误，应该是缺乏经验，而不是工作经验本身） it may be pretty hard for us to join in a big company at the very beginning. Then all what we can do is just try our best to enter a smaller company and accumulate our working experiences step by step. After several months or years, when we have become more mutual（没看懂……） and are skilled to cope with our business, we may have an idea to find another job which offers us a high salary as well as better working conditions. Then comes the time for us to leave where we stayed. （这个，是倒装句么？不太明白）
-r:_3dkJ+f$N寄托家园（这段好像没有主题句。而且，因为去不了大公司，就找个小公司混点经验然后跳槽，这个例子我觉得从道德意义上讲有待斟酌。你可以看看我楼上那位的作文，他的例子就很妥帖。而且，题目是干一辈子不现实，那么你要论证的中心应该是“现实和不现实”的问题，而不是“为了不在一个公司干一辈子，应该采取什么手段”。）
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D:cy,vE+qe留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAFor some people, however, even （though） he’s got a good payment and comfortable working conditions already, he just（为什么用这个词呢？） finds the job lack of challenge. Or he just gets tired of working hard for other people and is longing to have his own business. That’s why he prefers to give up his present job and start all over again. bbs.gter.net$ZB3J9m"KbL|
（这段也没有主题句。）寄托家园a)`;I9]9w

;ePV+j6lE5y9wAnother adoptable situation is that after some time’s work, we may find ourselves not acknowledgeable to deal with new technology and other new stuff. So we’d like to drop what we are doing and pick up our text books to pursue the study.
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C&v（这段不但没有主题句，而且例子很怪。你在说“我们不能胜任这份工作，应该走人”。这个不能反驳那个“为一个工作工作一辈子，现实不现实”的问题。）寄托家园"U6r|w$Gnjr

)r-mI+|S7}-p|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREEven though there may be some possibilities for a person to stay at one company or employer all his life(working for his family enterprise, for instance), for most people, it’s not realistic. What’ more, our society needs those who take challenges as a joy, which, say, will always sparks the working people and fuels the development of the whole country.
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x3dS_（在这里你让步了，那第二段是做什么用的呢？在自家公司工作不等于为一个公司干一辈子。还有那个What’ more，即使不跳槽，也未必就不喜欢挑战，你既然没有反驳过，这里说这点就显得很武断。）留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAn/f0^        Ms6wG
|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE[A'QOl)nZ"Km
总结一下吧。bbs.gter.net$d3~WQK9?
我不知道你用了多久写，如果是限时的话，我强烈建议你先不要限时。|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREv"}as8^0T;C_F

q{&k$R @6C2{|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE首先，拿到题目，一定要看透。作业说的是“一个人为一个公司或者雇主干一辈子是不现实的”，相比topic34还是有一点区别的，我认为。但是你的作文没有围绕“一辈子”和“不现实”来写。.eqT0V4I2u8Z

4s:{        Z_"m#K|)z'x'lbbs.gter.net其次，主体段落一定要有主题句。而且各段之间应该有一定的联系，不是天马行空地写。
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留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA.Qb:N8n dC
最后，语法问题。应该说没有大的语法问题，但是诚恳地说，你的句子都很别扭，有很多chinglish。而且，我强烈建议你改掉爱用缩写的习惯，he’s之类就老老实实写he is，否则很可能要吃亏的。即使托福不比issue严格，但这样的毛病也不应该有。寄托家园K;Y b(e){[KP
|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRER?,N5C!`s
再给你一点建议吧。bbs.gter.netIc;W0\ s3D-@5B?
1是要多看范文HDt!|^8}%V_2E
2是想好了再动手,e.QU6uJA
3是写完了要自己改，不要刚写完就给别人看，要自己先看顺眼了才行（我自己改了很多次才给人看，一样会被批得很惨）
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ZL(|4是避免不规范写法，包括缩写，自己编词组和句型留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAfRC1q!M;y

F3]+e,U/Sp寄托家园你的作文我是很认真改的，差不多2个小时吧，估计你自己都没看这么久过。而且好多句子我都找朋友讨论了半天，最后也不知道应该怎么改。所以我建议你，拿不准的语法不要用了，更不要自己编。即使是4级词汇，高中语法，只要思想好，语言流畅，高分一样可以拿到手。我不是牛人，我的作文逻辑就很乱，但是我也在不断地反省，希望你也能从修改中提高自己。留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USALw/f9[7F#x~
留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA9]4~}W{oq
加油。寄托家园sm1_:i.D|]w

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yYK,E5z&sJ|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE[ 本帖最后由 夜婴 于 2007-4-3 15:20 编辑 ]

TOPIC:  " IT’S NOT REALISTIC FOR ONE TO STAY AT ONE COMPANY OR EMPLOYER ALL THEIR LIFE."
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There is no consensus of the opinion among people at the view of that should people cling to the end of their jobs or not.
]V/_        ?1xogbbs.gter.netThere was a time when people maintain that have a certain job is a beginning of the wealth career and happy life. So they never try to change job in there lifetime. Every day you face the same task and boss that can make you a skillful expert of your work post. The more resemble work you do, the upper scale you will achieve. For all above you can draw an imagination if you are the boss of a port, which kind of workers you would like to chose? The green hand or powerful and a skilled worker? The answer will be alike; no one can suffer an unexpected lost by an unknown rookie. So more and more skillful workers are willing to sacrifice the new challenge of a more-money-potential chance.'t([4Fr7T+@
On the contrary, some other people still emphasize that job without anything new is dull. And they claim creation can new challenge is the only path which can drive the technology go upper. Nowadays, the number of job exchange is increasing in some field, such as IT, software programmers and business managers. For an instance, a salesman who did his best in the job will finally hunt another new precedence for a higher pay. Another example is in the IT area. For a basic programmer the daily work is just copy and pastes the codes and makes them unify together. That simple and rutting job always make them exhausted. Though, they may become skillful in the programming, however, a great number of them make an option that they will find another corporation which can give them a position as the project manager or the system analyzes. They think the experience by their basic job can make a good effort for their new job. The new generations sometimes imagine a transform of jobs to be a sort of paradise where the sun always shines. Life there is exciting and interesting. The higher pay was enjoyed and you would never complain.|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE5c
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Perhaps there is an element of truth in both these two points, but from my personal angle alone, the latter point of view coincides of the latter, society must improve and technology must evolution by more new challenge, second, today less people can endure the dull daily life. From what has been discussed above, we may reasonably draw a conclusion that cling to the end in one job is not quite suitable today.

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天哪！！这是30分钟写的么？！牛！！

There is no consensus of the opinion among people at the view of that should people cling to the end of their jobs or not.好像opinion和view有点重复了
5TQt*Gs6^*FS+~There was a time when people maintain that having a certain job is a beginning of the wealth career and happy life. 时态不定So they never try to change job in their lifetime.两句可合为一句 Every day you face the same task and boss that can make you a skillful expert of your work post. The more resemble work you do, the upper scale you will achieve. For all above you can draw an imagination if you are the boss of a port, what kind of workers you would like to choose? The green hand or powerful and a skilled worker? 一个the一个a? The answer will be alike; no one can suffer an unexpected lost by an unknown rookie. So more and more skillful workers are willing to sacrifice the new challenge of a more-money-potential chance. 我的作文老师说托福作文应慎用标点，这两句也可以合为一句，逻辑上来讲有些不通，提问和回答不相干bbs.gter.netS YzD?l
On the contrary,本段和上一段好像并不是个contrary some other people still emphasize that job without anything new is dull. And they claim creation can new challenge这好像不是一个path is the only path which can drive the technology go upper. Nowadays, the number of job exchange is increasing in some field, 后两个例子并不是field such as IT, software programmers and business managers. For an instance, a salesman who did his best in the job will finally hunt another new precedence居前，领先；优先权？ for a higher pay. Salesman也不是IT, software programmers and business managers中的任何一个 Another example is in the IT area. For a basic programmer the daily work is just copy and pastes the codes and makes them unify together. That simple and rutting job always make them exhausted.以上两句完全应该融合成一句 Though, they may become skillful in the programming, however, a great number of them指代模糊 make an option that they will find another corporation which can give them a position as the project manager or the system analyzes. They think the experience by their basic job can make a good effort for their new job. 上下没有逻辑联系The new generations sometimes imagine a transform of jobs to be a sort of paradise where the sun always shines. Life there is exciting and interesting. The higher pay was enjoyed and you would never complain.例证的普遍性不强，缺乏说服力，最后这个IT的例子我真的没看明白=_=
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tc留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAPerhaps there is an element？ of truth in both these two points, but from my personal angle alone, the latter point of view coincides of the latter, society must improve and technology must evolve by more new challenge.以上一长句缺乏逻辑联系Second, today less people can endure the dull daily life. From what has been discussed above, we may reasonably draw a conclusion that cling to the end in one’s job is not quite suitable today.|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE6w&qC!W/ko
建议还是不要限时，慢慢先练练笔。|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE"dN#?ia
一开始就没有点明观点，每段也没有明确的观点句，逻辑关系比较混乱寄托家园;VQs
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简单句使用较多，可加强长句的练习和使用。留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA)i9L.c        }%d*rt

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L^bbs.gter.net[ 本帖最后由 k1234567 于 2007-4-10 17:48 编辑 ]

Do you agree or disagree:留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA-OGx@0V/]
It is not realistic for one to stay at one company or employer all their lives?
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w5I]|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE bbs.gter.neth~!x#K%k;x/K
When it comes to jobs, the first thing that occurs to many elder people is to work for a company all their lives. However, things change from day to day and it is now universally acknowledged that one can switch around as needed. I am, and probably will always be, one of those who argue that nowadays it is impossible for one to stay at one company all their lives.
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The most significant point for my penchant is that we cannot emphasize the importance of personal development too much and staying at one company all one’s life will probably restrict his/her future prospects. One compelling example is that young people, who have no work experiencs at all, will potentially change their jobs for many times until they find their niche contributing to his growth. Furthermore, there is great possibility that a veteran will leave a company when he is aware of the fact that their goals deviate from each other.bbs.gter.net;w~"xK6_"g-?
As we know, the second point is that with the advent of new era of world economy, more varied jobs spring up and people have more choices. Besides the celebrated 500 transnational firms, there are a myriad of small and medium-sized enterprises leading to innumerable career opportunities for people to choose. I will not be surprised if one give up a position in an international huge corporation and become a staff member in a minor company just to render him/herself more comfortable.}5v{O!A5l
Before I come to my conclusion, it is still necessary to point out the current situation is that people worked for 2 or more companies is increasing. A recent survey indicates that in Shanghai, for example, the average number of job-hopping is 1.76 per person, which means that almost every office worker has at least one experience on changing job.|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE6dXx3SN&TJ;Y
Taking into account all these factors, though some conservative people maintain their positions at the same place, we may safely come to the conclusion that people are getting more susceptible to switch around all the same.

非常感谢你的点评,用词和逻辑上是有些问题,不过不敢苟同你说要多用长难句的观点,海明威还经常用短句呢,我认为为了清楚的表达自己的用短句更合适,ETS的人成天老看错综复杂的从句也会很郁闷

没看你的ESSAY,但长短相间比较合适.如果你习惯用短句,写完了用剩下的时间并几个句子会更好.

短句难出高级用法，不容易证明你已经掌握了写长句的语法知识，而且短句之间的逻辑关系没有长句的分句及内嵌成分的逻辑关系密切，因此不容易精确表达意思，也不容易拿高分。留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAtI`$t9w'M,G2G:^N
杜昶旭说用toefl作文做过试验，一个是全部严密精确的短句作文，拿到5.5，一个是逻辑有些混乱但复杂句型很多的，拿到6分，说明长句在toefl作文中能起到的作用还是很大的。

不公平不公平!!!
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#h#YhX_MD4Ubbs.gter.net没人帮我改作文!!!
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你找你楼上的那个啊？