寄托家园


 
标题: [求助] SCORE MY WRITING
Ye_emma
普通会员
Rank: 3Rank: 3


UID 2359670
精华 0
积分 354
帖子 114
阅读权限 20
注册 2007-7-7
状态 离线
发表于 2007-8-8 22:04  资料 短消息 
SCORE MY WRITING

I NEED THE 1) SCORE(1~5 ACCODING TO THE REQUIREMENT)留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA
Z.[~9e{3Rt"r7N

                            2) ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT.
L(l(Y0{[$^i        J寄托家园        Thanks!!!|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREOx;f'x#X~Y4t#]]"H
      
wN/Qp&U1^&K       topic:Which would you choose : a high-paying job with long hours that give you little time with family and friends or a lower-paying job with shorter hous that would give you more time with family and friends?Expain your choice,using specific reasons and examples to support your answer. 留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA-{(vQB1?l'CE-S
      
J8^0K&w|bbs.gter.net       my wiring :bbs.gter.netw f'W,T$T6lx
Have you ever felt grateful for owing support and understanding from your family and friends? Have you ever felt fortunate for sending away the workplace’s health problem? Have you ever felt hilarious for guiding your children who have some problem to turn for help?
"X9dZw"r/]
@$s'D`#be        u留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USAIf you have never had such experiences, you would never know how crucial a lower-paying job ye with more time spending on family and friends can mean to you.
:f:E4S*sV&t1NfO{留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA y,b*Gl M
Most people would agree that we live for joy, not for money. Having more time with family brings us enjoyment and also a sense of warn and fragrant. For instance, spending more time with your children, even just play some games or do a little gardening with them, he or she may experience a relaxation right now. It is only the family that can give you this kind of feeling.
nI-~PiZaA!i:v
;X$y+xb)]@        a?bbs.gter.netAlso, studies consistently show that a high-paying job with long hours do have a bad influence on our health. One major complaint----maybe the biggest complaint is stress. Because of the lack of communication with family and friends, we feel lonely and helpless. No one to pour heart out,  no one to share with depression. Thus, we can not relieve the pressure caused by overloaded work or criticism from workers. In that case, under a long-term stress continuously may even invite mental diseases. Furthermore, overlong working time leads to some potential hazards such as eyestrain, back pain and so forth.寄托家园SG[F9}5]&P,y4z
留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA6h#H4g*^ G        ?
Last but not least, it is our duty to care for family members. When your parents ill, when your children face the dilemma of whether his choice is right, when your spouse suffer difficulties, how can you neglect these due to a high-paying job with little time given to your family? The responsibility to your family can not be equal to providing financial aid. $c0}p{ O A4s

@$|H^gP1i4g
c留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA
High salary, certainly, have its own merits. It help the whole family to live better for improving the quality of life, involves in education, medical care and entertainment. However, we should not forget what Gump’s mother addresses “there is only so much fortune a man really needs, the rest is just for showing off.” Since a huge fortune can not buy neither happiness, health, nor the concern from your family, the decision to choose a lower-paying job with more time with family and friends would be more reasonably treated as a wiser choice. (401)  ,^)F8{yq)R/qx
$i)a8G3B
Y1IZ

Thank you very much for your heip and time! 寄托家园1QYOsMVM1{f
waiting for your response.bbs.gter.net&e4T8{@4Pp8n&A
                                                                                                                   EMMA.YE              bbs.gter.net} ik HQ:]
W'Q

寄托家园%J.v"g0_3w
N,Sd$?


Q&} V)N+VIoybbs.gter.net[ 本帖最后由 Ye_emma 于 2007-8-8 22:06 编辑 ]
顶部
[广告] ★申请主题活动全记录★
bolai808
普通会员
Rank: 3Rank: 3


UID 2206779
精华 0
积分 417
帖子 293
阅读权限 20
注册 2006-4-16
状态 离线
发表于 2007-8-10 02:03  资料 短消息 
(1) 4bbs.gter.net%_q!b)D#T        _$h5Cn
(2)文章的整体结构还是不错的,语言也较丰富。
o(nq7c9V8`       lz似乎擅长使用排比句式,这是你的有点,继续保持。bbs.gter.netg Sy.P7~#^O
       不足:感觉论证的不是很深入,而且三个分支观点的联系不够紧密。
Om
Ac,E]J[|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE
      建议:多看例文,搜集好的观点和例子留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA^V#Wx+Kq-e
anyway,lz加油!




California dreaming~~~ Mystery of Nanocrystals
顶部
[广告] ★申请主题活动全记录★
Ye_emma
普通会员
Rank: 3Rank: 3


UID 2359670
精华 0
积分 354
帖子 114
阅读权限 20
注册 2007-7-7
状态 离线
发表于 2007-8-10 11:35  资料 短消息 
谢谢bolai808 ,例子不够深入的确是个问题,可能跟阅历不足有关(高二),想不出什么很有意义的论据,我会多看例子的,不过老师说最重要是结构语言,内容不重要.所以看到您的赞扬还是蛮开心的~我的目标是5分,和你一起加油啊!
顶部
[广告] ★申请主题活动全记录★
 


当前时区 GMT+8, 现在时间是 2008-11-22 14:16

Powered by www.gter.net © 2000-2007
清除 Cookies - - 寄托天下 - Archiver - WAP