TOPIC: ARGUMENT181 - From a letter to the editor of a city newspaper.

"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."


In this argument, the author professes that if the high schools in their city can begin their classes one hour later than usual, the students' academic performance as well as academic skills will be better than they are now. However, with close scrutiny of this argument, several questionable flaws appear which are mainly lied on the reliability of statistics from two studies, the validity of measures that the arguer puts forward and the hasty generalization at the end. I will discuss each of these flaws in turn.

To begin with, the threshold problem involved in this argument lies on the credibility of both studies. Since information concerning the size and the procedure of these two studies are not sufficient; the smaller the sample is, the less reliable the results will be. Besides, how these participators are chosen and what type students are these participators belong to are not mentioned, and hence we have full reason to doubt these two studies’ credibility if the sizes of them are rather small, say, only 20 or 30 adolescents who belong to just the top students respectively in their own schools. If this is the case, how can one conclude that lacking sleep is indeed the great need of today's students only considering of these two questionable studies? And the arguer's claim that "many" high school students in their city are dissatisfied with their own academic performance is also doubtable. Having regarded that it is definitely possible that the participators are all best students who are strict with themselves, even though they may have made a great success on their academic field ranking the second or the tired in their schools, only to be the best and the first will satisfy them. Therefore, the reasons why many students are unhappy with their scores may not be their poor academic skills but the fact that only one student can be the first. From this standpoint, the dissatisfaction can not lend strong support to the fact that most students’ academic performances are not good.

Furthermore, even I concede that the results of two studies can be accepted. Will the measure that to begin the classes one hour later be actually effective? I do not think so. In fact, the arguer here is too idealistic. On the contrary, the opposite is more likely. It is very likely that the most students will get up early as usual and maximize this extra an hour to enjoy their life such as playing basketball or watching TV. The author also ignores the alternative possibility that the measure will give the students an illusion that they can get up later from then on, which may result in their staying up later at night, even more than an hour. Undoubtedly, it will be a vicious circle. So it turn out to be like that, the measure that to put off the classes an hour later can not increase the students' sleep hours and even backfired, that is, making students less alert and less productive.

Last but not least, given that the foregoing assumptions are all substantiated, the author’s overlooking of other key factors affecting students’ academic performance can not convince me that the author’s conclusion is justified. Logic and common sense inform me that one’s academic performance is the synthesis of many factors, for instance, the learning habits, the intelligence and education quality. Regardless of all other factors and improving students’ sleep time only, can this measure indeed help these adolescents to perform better in their academic area even if they are still lazy and lack any interest in their study? Therefore, overemphasizing on the importance of sleeping may only mask the key points in students’ academic performance. Thereby, in order to improve the students’ academic skills and reach the arguer’s goal, the author must consider more completely and carefully and make students get interested in studying basically.

限时+修改之作 限时的结果惨不忍睹 一限时 语言就恶心了 思维全面不全面 就更不用说了
主要是探讨下没有结尾会怎么样 我觉得这样文章也挺完整的
不过kingplough说 ets对结尾是有要求的 不知道不知道 所以看看大家的意见怎么样
此外 虽然发了不少文章 但是斑竹从来没有改过 所以这次也想请教下斑竹~
先谢谢大家

[ 本帖最后由 liyue24 于 2008-10-15 22:33 编辑 ]

TOPIC: ARGUMENT181 - From a letter to the editor of a city newspaper.

"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."


In this argument, the author professes that if the high schools in their city can begin their classes one hour later than usual, the students' academic performance as well as academic skills will be better than they are now. However, with close scrutiny of this argument, several questionable flaws appear which are mainly lied on the reliability of statistics from two studies, the validity of measures that the arguer puts forward and the hasty generalization at the end（我怎么没看懂？是范文里面的句子吗）. I will discuss each of these flaws in turn.

To begin with, the threshold problem involved in this argument lies on the credibility of both studies. Since information concerning the size and the procedure of these two studies are not sufficient; the smaller the sample is, the less reliable the results will be. （个人觉得这篇文章批survey有些多余）Besides, how these participators are chosen and what type students are these participators belong to are not mentioned, and hence we have full reason to doubt these two studies’ credibility if the sizes of them are rather small, say, only 20 or 30 adolescents who belong to just the top students respectively in their own schools. If this is the case, how can one conclude that lacking sleep is indeed the great need of today's students only considering of these two questionable studies? And the arguer's claim that "many" high school students in their city are dissatisfied with their own academic performance is also doubtable. Having regarded that it is definitely possible that the participators are all best students who are strict with themselves, even though they may have made a great success on their academic field ranking the second or the tired in their schools, only to be the best and the first will satisfy them.（我又没有看明白，汗） Therefore, the reasons why many students are unhappy with their scores may not be their poor academic skills but the fact that only one student can be the first. From this standpoint, the dissatisfaction can not lend strong support to the fact that most students’ academic performances are not good.（个人觉得可以少点批样本不充足可靠之类的，后面说详细些）

Furthermore, even I concede that the results of two studies can be accepted. Will the measure that to begin the classes one hour later be actually effective?（有些别扭） I do not think so（这么主观的句子还是少用吧）. In fact, the arguer here is too idealistic. On the contrary, the opposite is more likely. It is very likely that the most students will get up early as usual and maximize this extra an hour to enjoy their life such as playing basketball or watching TV. The author also ignores the alternative possibility that the measure will give the students an illusion that they can get up later from then on, which may result in their staying up later at night, even more than an hour. Undoubtedly, it will be a vicious circle. So it turn out to be like that, the measure that to put off the classes an hour later can not increase the students' sleep hours and even backfired, that is, making students less alert and less productive.（缺少睡眠可能是由干别的事情去了---因此晚上学反而助长不好好学习的风气-----这段TS好像不够明确）

Last but not least, given that the foregoing assumptions are all substantiated, the author’s overlooking of other key factors affecting students’ academic performance can not convince me that the author’s conclusion is justified. Logic and common sense inform me that one’s academic performance is the synthesis of many factors, for instance, the learning habits, the intelligence and education quality. Regardless of all other factors and improving students’ sleep time only, can this measure indeed help these adolescents to perform better in their academic area even if they are still lazy and lack any interest in their study? （分成两句来写吧）Therefore, overemphasizing on the importance of sleeping may only mask the key points in students’ academic performance.（很到位！） Thereby, in order to improve the students’ academic skills and reach the arguer’s goal, the author must consider more completely and carefully and make students get interested in studying basically.


汗阿，结尾还是写几句吧。。。E-rater也跟我提要求结尾要总结，要写改进措施。少些几句就是了。。。。

你这篇语言还是不错的，限时基本发挥正常水平了，但是逻辑好像不那么严密拉

第一段你批study的可靠性，却忽视了两个study之间的关系。其实这题重点在于，缺少睡眠和表现不好有关系吗？ 从这个切入点来批这两个survey，对下面的论述也有帮助。你的第一段和第二段过渡就不太自然。

比如你可以这样想：一个study 说青少年缺少睡眠，另一个说本市的高中生表现不佳，这两个好像没什么关系啊----------本市的高中生可能不缺少睡眠----他们抱怨的目的很有可能是其他方面----------比如，竞争压力太大-------不满意老师的水平--------不满意课程设置--------没有仔细调查原因，就跟睡眠联系起来，太草率了

就算睡眠不足影响了学习，早上晚上一小时，下午晚放一小时好像没有减少学习时间啊。假如睡眠不足是其他原因所致，比如打游戏，过多的家庭作业。。。。。总之这个措施很难保证睡眠时间

学习质量显然不是由睡眠决定的。即使睡得好，未必学的好。第三段你写的很好！

改进意见：你好像很喜欢批三无survey！有时候会冲淡最主要的逻辑错误点！

TOPIC: ARGUMENT181 - From a letter to the editor of a city newspaper.

"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."


In this argument, the author professes that if the high schools in their city can begin their classes one hour later than usual, the students' academic performance as well as academic skills will be better than they are now. However, with close scrutiny of this argument, several questionable flaws appear which are mainly lied on the reliability of statistics from two studies, the validity of measures that the arguer puts forward and the hasty generalization at the end. I will discuss each of these flaws in turn.

To begin with, the threshold problem involved in this argument lies on the credibility of both studies. Since information concerning the size and the procedure of these two studies are not sufficient; the smaller the sample is, the less reliable the results will be. Besides, how these participators are chosen and what type students are these participators belong to are not mentioned, and hence we have full reason to doubt these two studies’ credibility if the sizes of them are rather small, say, only 20 or 30 adolescents who belong to just the top students respectively in their own schools(if后面的句子感觉多余了). If this is the case, how can one conclude that lacking sleep is indeed the great need of today's students only considering of these two questionable studies? And the arguer's claim that "many" high school students in their city are dissatisfied with their own academic performance is also doubtable. Having regarded that it is definitely possible that the participators are all best students who are strict with themselves, even though they may have made a great success on their academic field ranking the second or the tired in their schools, only to be the best and the first will satisfy them. Therefore, the reasons why many students are unhappy with their scores may not be their poor academic skills but the fact that only one student can be the first. From this standpoint, the dissatisfaction can not lend strong support to the fact that most students’ academic performances are not good.(批study的篇幅多了)

Furthermore, even I concede that the results of two studies can be accepted. Will the measure that to begin the classes one hour later be actually effective?(the measure that去掉，直接beginning做主语会好些) I do not think so. In fact, the arguer here is too idealistic. On the contrary, the opposite is more likely(on the contrary, 再the opposite有点啰嗦，可以去掉, 直接跟it is very likely...). It is very likely that the most students will get up early as usual and maximize this extra an hour to enjoy their life such as playing basketball or watching TV. The author also ignores the alternative possibility that the measure will give the students an illusion that they can get up later from then on, which may result in their staying up later at night, even more than an hour. Undoubtedly, it will be a vicious circle. So it turn out to be like that, the measure that to put off the classes an hour later can not increase the students' sleep hours and even backfired, that is, making students less alert and less productive.(你这里的举例有点软，我觉得换个里有比较好：晚起，如果工作量一样，就会晚睡，睡眠时间没提高)

Last but not least, given that the foregoing assumptions are all substantiated, the author’s overlooking of other key factors affecting students’ academic performance can not(cannot) convince me that the author’s(一个句子里，两次出现author有点不好) conclusion is justified. Logic and common sense inform me that one’s academic performance is the synthesis(这里用synthesis可以么？) of many factors, for instance, the learning habits, the intelligence and education quality. Regardless of all other factors and improving(increasing) students’ sleep time only, can this measure indeed help these adolescents to perform better in their academic area even if they are still lazy and lack any interest in their study? Therefore, overemphasizing on the importance of sleeping may only mask the key points in students’ academic performance. Thereby, in order to improve the students’ academic skills and reach the arguer’s goal, the author must consider more completely and carefully(completely和carefully罗嗦了) and make students get interested in studying basically.

我也在尝试用你的开头段，但不能总是找到合适的名词短语
我觉得要在第一段批study的话，应该批两个study加在一起不能说明睡眠和学习成绩的关系
没有末段不好，不过我写末段的时候，通常变成复述文章的观点，好像也不好。

[ 本帖最后由 skylian 于 2008-10-16 10:52 编辑 ]

Conclusion with three sentences or more: Is this part of the essay your conclusion? A conclusion reminds the reader about your thesis and stresses the importance of ideas you have developed. Look in the General Advice to Writers for ways to improve your conclusion.


Does my essay have a clear and logical pattern of organization? Does it contain a beginning, middle, and end?

恩 你这么一说 对study有新的理解 主要限时一上来 批study比较容易 所以就一刻不停写下去 我要缕缕 你这么一说 我原来那个开头其实挺好的~ 不需要改？

我现在要回过头去看 我以前写过的文章了 向以前学习
a-67似乎是你对我评价最高的文章 学习一下

TOPIC: ARGUMENT181 - From a letter to the editor of a city newspaper.

"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As a way of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."


In this argument, the author professes that if the high schools in their city can begin their classes one hour later than usual, the students' academic performance as well as academic skills will be better than they are now. However, with close scrutiny of this argument, several questionable flaws appear which are mainly lied on the reliability of statistics from two studies, the validity of measures that the arguer puts forward and the hasty generalization at the end. I will discuss each of these flaws in turn.

To begin with, the threshold problem involved in this argument lies on the credibility of both studies. Since information concerning the size and the procedure of these two studies are not sufficient; the smaller the sample is, the less reliable the results will be. Besides, how these participators are chosen and what type students are these participators belong to are not mentioned, and hence we have full reason to doubt these two studies’ credibility if the sizes of them are rather small, say, only 20 or 30 adolescents who belong to just the top students respectively in their own schools. If this is the case, how can one conclude that lacking sleep is indeed the great need of today's students only considering of these two questionable studies? And the arguer's claim that "many" high school students in their city are dissatisfied with their own academic performance is also doubtable. Having regarded that it is definitely possible that the participators are all best students who are strict with themselves, even though they may have made a great success on their academic field ranking the second or the tired in their schools, only to be the best and the first will satisfy them. Therefore, the reasons why many students are unhappy with their scores may not be their poor academic skills but the fact that only one student can be the first. From this standpoint, the dissatisfaction cannot lend strong support to the fact that most students’ academic performances are not good.（貌似对survey批得有点过了，250字呀，太冗长了）

Furthermore, even I concede that the results of two studies can be accepted. Will the measure that to begin the classes one hour later be actually effective? I do not think so. In fact, the arguer here is too idealistic. On the contrary, the opposite is more likely. It is very likely that the most students will get up early as usual and maximize this extra an hour to enjoy their life such as playing basketball or watching TV. The author also ignores the alternative possibility that the measure will give the students an illusion that they can get up later from then on, which may result in their staying up later at night, even more than an hour. Undoubtedly, it will be a vicious circle. So it turn out to be like that, the measure that to put off the classes an hour later can not increase the students' sleep hours and even backfired, that is, making students less alert and less productive.

Last but not least, given that the foregoing assumptions are all substantiated, the author’s overlooking of other key factors affecting students’ academic performance can not convince me that the author’s conclusion is justified. Logic and common sense inform me that one’s academic performance is the synthesis of many factors,（synthesis这个词用这有点怪） for instance, the learning habits, the intelligence and education quality. Regardless of all other factors and improving students’ sleep time only, can this measure indeed help these adolescents to perform better in their academic area even if they are still lazy and lack any interest in their study? Therefore, overemphasizing on the importance of sleeping may only mask the key points in students’ academic performance.(闪光句子，学习学习) Thereby, in order to improve the students’ academic skills and reach the arguer’s goal, the author must consider more completely and carefully and make students get interested in studying basically.

Cannot最好这样写~
660字的argument还是比较冗长的，可以减少对survey的argue，顺便加个结尾，整体来说，限时写出来很不错啦~

In this argument, the author professes that if the high schools in their city can begin their classes one hour later than usual, the students' academic performance as well as academic skills will be better than they are now. However, with close scrutiny of this argument, several questionable flaws appear which are mainly lied on the reliability of statistics from two studies, the validity of measures that the arguer puts forward and the hasty generalization at the end. I will discuss each of these flaws in turn.

To begin with, the threshold problem involved in this argument lies on the credibility of both studies. [别用both，both是两者都，前面两个都没说，这里就用two挺好～]Since information concerning the size and the procedure of these two studies are not sufficient; the smaller the sample is, the less reliable the results will be. Besides, how these participators are chosen and what type students are these participators belong to are not mentioned, and hence we have full reason to doubt these two studies’ credibility if the sizes of them are rather small, say, only 20 or 30 adolescents who belong to just the top students respectively in their own schools. If this is the case, how can one conclude that lacking sleep is indeed the great need of today's students only considering of these two questionable studies? And the arguer's claim that "many" high school students in their city are dissatisfied with their own academic performance is also doubtable. Having regarded that it is definitely possible that the participators are all best students who are strict with themselves, even though they may have made a great success on their academic field ranking the second or the tired[third?] in their schools, only to be the best and the first will satisfy them.[这句话意思表达没弄好吧……我看了明白，但是如果从字面恐怕不是这个意思～再斟酌一下～] Therefore, the reasons why many students are unhappy with their scores may not be their poor academic skills but the fact that only one student can be the first. From this standpoint, the dissatisfaction can not lend strong support to the fact that most students’ academic performances are not good.

这一段主要是说两个survey的嘛，内容我觉得没有太长，还是可以的。但是两个地方：
a)是不是一定要先说“原文说……”然后再说“我觉得[email=$%@$]$%@$[/email]#^#^”？就是，一定要一句话复述原文？会不会罗嗦？再或是说，是不是可以，一个地方是复述然后陈述自己观点，另外一个是不是可以直接说他说的什么什么什么是不对的，这样，就是换一种复述的方式，要不看起来好像是很重复或是copy内容。anyway，就是让人觉得越少是copy或是restate越好～
b)therefore后面这段我不太明白啊……前面都是说的可信度的……但是这里怎么感觉是转了？……也许我看的太匆忙没看懂啊……反正，思路本来挺清晰的但是到最后好像就乱了……

不记得哪儿说的了，但是讲说文章逻辑清晰，就是做到说读者看了前面一段就能预测到后面，读了上半段就能猜到下半段是啥内容。能让reader有anticipate，会不会比较好？嗯～～再讨论吧～

Furthermore, even I concede that the results of two studies can be accepted. Will the measure that to begin the classes one hour later be actually effective? I do not think so. In fact, the arguer here is too idealistic. On the contrary[这个短语怎么感觉有点楞……不知道哪儿和哪儿就contrary了啊？……嗯这里只是个人感觉啊～不见得就是问题～], the opposite[嗯指代不是很清楚……不知道哪儿对哪儿……] is more likely.[你看这句话其实很虚里面没实际内容。可能你只是想表达一个自己态度那我看前面i don't think so已经很好了，后面就具体吧，直接入正题是否更好点呢？] It is very likely that the most students will get up early as usual and maximize this extra an hour to enjoy their life such as playing basketball or watching TV. The author also ignores the alternative possibility that the measure will give the students an illusion that they can get up later from then on, which may result in their staying up later at night, even more than an hour. Undoubtedly, it will be a vicious circle. So it turn out to be like that, the measure that to put off the classes an hour later can not increase the students' sleep hours and even backfired, that is, making students less alert and less productive.


这段是讨论即使改变作息时间是否有效～

Last but not least, given that the foregoing assumptions are all substantiated, the author’s overlooking of other key factors affecting students’ academic performance can not convince me that the author’s conclusion is justified.[这个长句读的我真是很绕……前面主语部分已经很长了后面宾语又是that……不是不行但是我个人觉得是不是就不够流畅呢？试着用个逗号或是啥的，断一下？] Logic and common sense inform me that one’s academic performance is the synthesis of many factors, for instance, the learning habits, the intelligence and education quality. Regardless of all other factors and improving students’ sleep time only, can this measure indeed help these adolescents to perform better in their academic area even if they are still lazy and lack any interest in their study? Therefore, overemphasizing on the importance of sleeping may only mask the key points in students’ academic performance. Thereby, in order to improve the students’ academic skills and reach the arguer’s goal, the author must consider more completely and carefully and make students get interested in studying basically.

最后是说他因的。


其实我觉得这个就是说，即使没有结尾也是一篇不错文章的。一层一层说下来，条例清晰，也没问题。所以不见得非要时间写什么“空洞没有实际意义的总结性”结尾。

我看的很快啊，自己的想法顺便写进去了，供参考～～

这个题吧，我觉得其实很恶心，两个地方我看值得说的，一个是survey另外一个就是这个时间只是纯粹平移没有别的。早上多睡一个小时晚上还不是晚睡一个小时……拆东墙补西墙没有实际意义。自己以为如果能把这个观点引申进去是不是更算insightful一点？^^此外还有诸如健康影响啊，什么的，也都是可以涉及和讨论的。很多内容都在，（特别是说像是其他因素影响academic perfermance的里面可以谈的更具体一点。不见得篇幅很大，可以就一两句话说某一点，就像是你说lazy的那个就挺好！）这个时候就要组织好然后再一段一段来铺下去了。


嗯，匆匆看了一下很是抱歉哈～～希望加油～争取5＋～～ =)