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[作文] 【独立写作】从明天开始写作啦~ [复制链接]

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发表于 2012-8-6 13:44:24 |显示全部楼层
恩,明天开始写作~

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发表于 2012-8-6 16:47:39 |显示全部楼层
妙慈_元元 发表于 2012-8-6 13:44
恩,明天开始写作~

加油~坚持哈~

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发表于 2012-8-7 11:28:49 |显示全部楼层
8月6日的改好啦~
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发表于 2012-8-7 11:56:55 |显示全部楼层
已改好,请过目啦~
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发表于 2012-8-7 13:08:25 |显示全部楼层
lazysheep 发表于 2012-8-7 11:28
8月6日的改好啦~

我觉得羊羊说的很对,对中国的历史背景确实应该点一下,恩,以后写的时候应该更全面~

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发表于 2012-8-7 16:25:39 |显示全部楼层
zhaoxiaoshuai 发表于 2012-8-7 11:56
已改好,请过目啦~

谢谢修改。the production of china,我想说的是陶瓷的制造。后面的文化大革命确实应该再写的充分点。

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发表于 2012-8-9 16:24:19 |显示全部楼层
8.9独立
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发表于 2012-8-10 14:27:33 |显示全部楼层
:)
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备考先锋 AW小组活动奖 IBT Zeal IBT Smart Virgo处女座 满1年在任版主 US-applicant

发表于 2012-8-10 21:50:39 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 sodapeng 于 2012-8-10 22:51 编辑



不好意思。。。晚了,。
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美版2016offer达人 IBT Zeal IBT Smart IBT Elegance 2016 US-applicant

发表于 2012-8-11 00:36:55 |显示全部楼层
eileen73 发表于 2012-7-31 19:32
7.31独立

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
It is impossible to be completely honest with your friend.


For me, the friendship is one of the most beautiful relationships in the world, and it is almost like (The underlying meaning of 'almost like' is often '..but not yet exactly like'. It doesn't just mean 'strongly resembles'. It's like the idea of saying 'few people' actually means 'not many people'.) a flower which need[s us to grow it up with our heart so that it can bloom and yield a fruit. Many people say that we must be honest with our friends no matter what happened, however, in my point of view, I consider that there is no need for us to be totally honest with our friends.

First and foremost, being completely honest with our friends may result in ending of our friendship. As a rule, everyone wants to have a best friend who can understand him and help him solve some difficulties. In that case, I really think that it is hard for us to keep honest to satisfy our friends. Take myself for instance: I have a best friend Eileen, who is very kind-hearted but sensitive (What you wrote were two independent clauses, and you can't connect them wihout a connective word. I've changed the 2nd sentence into a dependent clause.). Once she turned to me for help, saying that she has a problem with her boy friend who told her that he can’t tolerant with her sensitivity and she always makes trouble out of nothing, which made Eileen felt sadness (Again, too many sentences stuffed into one long jumbo. If you need to say a lot of things, organize them into shorter sentences and use cohesive devices, rather than piling everything up into clauses within clauses..e.g. 'Once she turned to me for help on her problem with her boyfriend. He told her that he can't tolerate her sensitivity, as she always.. These words have made her very sad.'). In fact, I know Eileen must have the fault (I suggest 'be the one to blame'. If you must use the word 'fault', then you can only say 'it must be Eileen's fault', not that she 'has the fault'..) for this situation, but as I mentioned above, she is a sensitive girl: if I say it is her fault for such a thing, she should (I'd say this is a matter of 'would', not 'should'..'should' means someone's obliged to do something.) feel more lonely and upset. As her closet friend, finally, I told her that don’t worry about that (This is an imperative sentence, not a proper clause. If you want to use the imperative sentence directly, you need to put it in quotation marks; otherwise, this clause needs a proper subject: that she doesn't need to worry about that.), maybe they should settle down and have a talk with each other, obviously, I also encourage her that she should trust her boy friend and try to become a confident girl while she always complete (I think you mean 'complains'.) that she is not a pretty girl. (Again, too many sentences piled together. I'd seriously suggest that you start using shorter sentences. Don't worry too much about not having enough of the so-called 'complex sentence structures' in your essay – if you can't do them correctly, it's not going to help you much.) In the end, she told me that she felt more comfortable with her boy friend after following my suggestion. Thus, you can image, if I told her the true felling inside myself, what the ending of this affair should be. (I can't quite guess why you keep using 'should' in places where 'would' would be more appropriate.)

In addition, making some white lies may add more color to your daily life and strengthen the friendships between you and your friends. Therefore, it is impossible to be completely honest with your friend. (Your logic is rather awkward. You can always choose to not do something, even if that something is very good or useful. Your logic is like saying 'I can't be a vegetarian because meat is very tasty'.) In this modern society, everyone is busy with his own affairs, hence sometimes you may forget your birthday. Imagine a scene: on that day, your best friend sent you a card from his city without signal (I think this should be 'sign-ing'.) his name, but you are familiar with his handwriting. Then you give (You started with the past tense – '..sent you a card' – but changed into the present, then back to past – '..he didn't admit it'. Not good. Be consistent.) him a call, but he didn’t admit it. In such a situation, what’s your felling? Obviously, you will feel moved and thank god that you have such a great friend. You see, making some white lies also can enhance the friendship even than (I'm not sure what this 'than' is doing here. Can't find what you're comparing with.) most people saying that we should be honest with each other.(I don't see the logic. In this particularly example, I don't think admitting to sending the card will actually result in anything. To me, the moving part is the fact that your friend remembers your birthday while you forget it, not that he won't admit to doing it – maybe it's a Chinese moral value thing, I don't know, but I personally don't see how, in this example, making such a lie works better for the relationship than not making a lie.)

In sum, I support the statement that it is impossible to be completely honest with your friend, for that not being fully honest may solve the problems more efficiently and add more color to the relationship with our friends.

总结:

你的词法和句法问题都不小,用词请注意词性,注意拼写相近但完全异义的词。。句法上请特别注意单复数(包括动词的第三人称单数变形)和复句/分句的句法,从短句慢慢开始,就算是有很多东西要描述,也要多少考虑下分句,而不是一直强迫自己用所谓的复杂长句,因为你并没有掌握很复杂句子的写法,写出来的都是句子堆在一起的段子。。再说如果真有很多信息要传达,好好考虑考虑,稍微分下句,会更显得你思维清晰,乱七八糟的长句则显得你是想到哪儿写到哪儿不考虑前后上下,效果反而不如清晰明了的短句子。最后就是论述上第一个点和例子都很好,但明显用力太多导致第二个点和例子没有时间好好考虑的。。所以请注意文章平衡和时间的分配。

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发表于 2012-8-11 08:42:33 |显示全部楼层
mpromanus 发表于 2012-8-11 00:36
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
It is impossible to be completely honest w ...

谢谢mpromanus大神的修改,醍醐灌顶啊。以后在这些方面一定多多注意,从短句开始,从基础开始。恩,我一定会继续努力!

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发表于 2012-8-11 14:46:00 |显示全部楼层
eileen73 发表于 2012-8-11 08:42
谢谢mpromanus大神的修改,醍醐灌顶啊。以后在这些方面一定多多注意,从短句开始,从基础开始。恩,我一定 ...

你的这篇文章写法像小说,建议换一种风格应试。确实句子偏长

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发表于 2012-8-12 22:41:16 |显示全部楼层
mresc 发表于 2012-8-11 14:46
你的这篇文章写法像小说,建议换一种风格应试。确实句子偏长

恩恩,我会努力的,诶,可能中文写抒情的写惯了的后遗症,一定改。

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发表于 2012-8-13 15:53:02 |显示全部楼层
8.13独立
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发表于 2012-8-14 13:20:35 |显示全部楼层
8.13已改
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RE: 【独立写作】从明天开始写作啦~ [修改]
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