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燕鱼小窝
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33楼

发表于 2012-6-28 20:07:16 |只看该作者

前进很多，加油~
请过目

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rrison UID：2556302 rrison 当前离线最后登录 2015-12-26 在线时间 99 小时寄托币 1895 声望 2 注册时间 2008-10-9 阅读权限 5 帖子 61 精华 0 积分 1841 UID 2556302 禁止发言声望 2 寄托币 1895 注册时间 2008-10-9 精华 0 帖子 61 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	34楼发表于 2012-7-1 21:31:55 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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35楼

发表于 2012-7-1 23:06:44 |只看该作者

rrison 发表于 2012-7-1 21:31
revised by rrison

我刚看了你改完后的作文，你语法真好呀！！
好多细微的地方，你不说，我真注意不到

rrison UID：2556302 rrison 当前离线最后登录 2015-12-26 在线时间 99 小时寄托币 1895 声望 2 注册时间 2008-10-9 阅读权限 5 帖子 61 精华 0 积分 1841 UID 2556302 禁止发言声望 2 寄托币 1895 注册时间 2008-10-9 精华 0 帖子 61 关注TA 加好友标签发消息	36楼发表于 2012-7-1 23:09:57 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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pengzichaonba
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37楼

发表于 2012-7-1 23:17:59 |只看该作者

LZ文章很好

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38楼

发表于 2012-7-3 00:47:30 |只看该作者

0702

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mpromanus
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39楼

发表于 2012-7-3 21:45:14 |只看该作者

dream0611 发表于 2012-5-30 11:49
0701

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will continue to improve, the most significant improvement for the quality of people’s lives have already taken place.

In today’s society, the extraordinary progress in science and technology have markedly improved people’s lives quality of life. ('quality of life' is more of less a fixed expression.) However, the ever-accelerate (I don't get what this means. 'accelerate' is a verb, and you're using it like an adjective – doesn't really make sense. If you really want to create an adjective, it should be 'ever-accelerating', but even this is rather awkward when read with 'updating'.) updating of science and technology has brought about chances and challenges. It’s inevitably causes negative problems (I can't quite imagine 'positive problems'..problems are negative by definition, so there's no need to repeat 'negative'.) like over-crowdedness and over-industrialize. (Again, you've created words that are not exactly correct and very hard to read..for 'over-crowdedness', there is already a word 'overcrowding'; 'over-industrialize' is again not a noun and should be 'over-industrialization'.) That is to say, there are several tough problems remaining to be solved, which eventually contribute to the most essential improvement in people’s lives quality.(Right, so you do not agree with the statement. But this is dangerously skewing into the direction of describing what constitutes 'the most significant improvement', rather than why this is 'the most significant improvement' and it has not yet taken place.)

Even though the development of science and technology stimulates the improvement of modernization, meanwhile it causes the over-crowdedness in metropolises due to the increasingly soaring (You have a tendency to 1. use gerunds as nouns, which is rather hard to read; 2. use repetitive combinations of adj./adv. and noun./verb..'soar' by definition means 'increase', so unless you have a specific need to stress that the 'soaring' is getting faster and faster – in which case you'd say it's 'accelerated' rather than 'increased' – there's really no need to put so much strain on your examiner..) in population. To begin with, the intense population density makes citizens suffering the working pressure (This phrase doesn't mean 'pressure from jobs', but 'pressure that's currently in effect'.) and heated competition all the time. (This is more due to the ratio of the number of available jobs versus the number of people seeking work..competition can be equally stiff in very sparsely populated areas because jobs are scarce.) Citizens have to devote more time and energy to keep their skills fresh and up-to-date; therefore they can strengthen their favorable positions in the competitive job market. Besides, the over-crowdedness lays enormous tension on current traffic net-works. Like reading, eating and sleeping, a traffic jam seems like an unavoidable ingredient of citizens’ daily life. (I won't really say 'reading' is an 'unavoidable' part of life..= =) It costs hours while getting stuck in a traffic jam which they could have used to enjoy the colorful life with their family. Both of those setbacks mentioned above lead to a merely comfortable (I think you meant 'barely comfortable', not 'merely comfortable'..) life for the majority of citizens. In a short, for the sake of improving citizens’ lives quality, science and technology should make effective measures to cope with the over-crowdedness in metropolises in the coming future. (First, I don't see how the improvement of science and technology 'caused' such overcrowding and blah. You're getting into the classical fallacy of 'correlation vs. causation': simply put, if event A causes event B, event B will occur with/after event A, but this doesn't work the other way round – if event B occurs with/after event A – in your example, overcrowding and traffic jams associated with a modern lifestyle - you can't say it's because event A causes event B. Second, as I've warned you at the end of the first paragraph, this whole paragraph doesn't illustrate why the improvements you're proposing would be one of the 'most important' improvements. There's no comparison and no evidence that all other improvements that have already taken place are not as important as the ones you're proposing.)

Aside from the adverse effect of over-crowdedness, the over-industrialize plays a negative role in improvement of people’s lives quality as well. Driven by substantial benefit, government tends to construct factories recklessly. Take my home town for example: my home town is surrounded by 30 moderate-sized factories, including a well-known multinationals which produces and sells washing, bathroom, nursing and other daily-use chemical products. Those factories stimulate the improvement of science and technology in my home town; in contrary, they also lay harmful and threatening (This is an adjective phrase. You need to make it a noun by adding a noun like 'effects'.) to residents’ physical fitness. If the waste gas and exhaust water, discharged by modern factories, is not properly dealt with, never the ideal life quality will be achieved.('If'. So what if the factories have already implemented measures to deal with their wastes properly? What's there to improve then, and would this mean your proposed improvement is not important anymore? You don't really have a complete argument here. As said, you've gone down on the road of describing the problems of modernization, but you never really relate them back to the overall point you're supposed to make.)

Granted, the progress in science and technology enable us to surfing the internet by operating a computer, to wandering around by driving an automobile. It enriches our lives quality while comparing to past (This is completely missing in the body of your essay – if you didn't address it, it's not going to be an effective point, and opening it up in the conclusion means your essay is poorly planned and incomplete.), colors our lives with the creative inventions. Even so, the sense of comfortable and the health, which play as basic elements of the life quality, should not be ignored.(This is exactly what I'm talking about: this is why your proposed improvement on overcrowding, traffic and factory waste is the MOST important..because they relate to health, which is the most fundamental aspect of human life. But you didn't articulate this until the very end, so effectively this is completely useless, because your reader has to remember everything you said, and wait until the very end to make sense out of your entire essay – an essay is not a detective novel! You should lay out this reasoning at the very beginning, at the end of the introduction, then you can develop the supportive paragraphs and describe the areas of improvements in detail as you did, and relate everything back to this central point. This is the proper way of argumentation.)

总结：

表达方面很爱用动名词和合成词。。不过至少合成词请你注意词性。。

论述方面已经在文中给你很详细地说明了。。你可以把题目转换成对科技进步带来的问题的描述和解决，但是这么铺排的理由必须在第一段说明，而不是等到全篇的最后一句话才让读者明白哦原来你搞了半天是这个意思！议论文不是侦探小说，不是相声，不要试图抖包袱。。

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40楼

发表于 2012-7-3 23:08:00 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-7-3 21:45
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will contin ...

辛苦了呀，评语说的比原文都多，你的思维很缜密，有时候我写着写着是容易逻辑上模糊

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41楼

发表于 2012-7-3 23:21:49 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-7-3 21:45
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Although science and technology will contin ...

实在不好意思，我请教一下，让步段的前两句，你的评语我没有领会，应该怎样理解呀

Granted, the progress in science and technology enable us to surfing the internet by operating a computer, to wandering around by driving an automobile. It enriches our lives quality while comparing to past (This is completely missing in the body of your essay – if you didn't address it, it's not going to be an effective point, and opening it up in the conclusion means your essay is poorly planned and incomplete.), colors our lives with the creative inventions.