寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › TOEFL考试(IBT)讨论版 › 作文求修改啊~！！~

返回列表

查看: 2517|回复: 4

[求助] 作文求修改啊~！！~ [复制链接]

maoqiu007
UID：3023523

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 718
注册时间: 2011-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 151

发表于 2012-7-30 13:28:44 |显示全部楼层

It is more enjoyable to have a job and work long hours for three days in a week than to work shorter hours for five days in a week.  习作2In the context of the extreme competitiveness and dizzying work environment change, a soaring number of the office men and ladies are looking for a better and enjoyable way to spend their work time. When it comes to this, some workers point out that it is more enjoyable to have a job and work long hours for three days because it can save plenty of time for themselves to determine how to spend. For my part, however, i believe that working shorter hours for five days will be more meaningful and enjoyable in that this kind of working mode means health, efficiency, and cooperation.
  Working shorter hours for five days in a week limits a comparatively short period of work time for labors or employees, and spurs their potential energy to work more hard and efficient. There is no doubt that the efficiency plays a vital role in the work circumstance, and taking my brother Edward for example. Edward Cullen, who have the inclination to decay every task given by others, never complete his tasks before the deadline because he are eager for more time and space to enjoy his life instead of being trapped in the prison of job-finishing. Thus, if there were a rule about work shorter hours for more days in one week being set in the company, those employees who are willing to delay their job until the deadline, like Edward, would have to accomplish their everyday's duty in a very short time because the working time has been shortened. Thus, this new working mode can enhance the efficiency of those workers and make contribution to the productivity of company.
  Moreover, workers' health also obtains benefits from the new working mode. For example, no one can deny the fact that you have to pay more price if you just desire for accomplish something in very short time. not only the long work hours but also are your health and your right to enjoy the colorful life forced to pay. You have to be absorbed in the work for so long time, maybe 10 hours, 12 hours, even 16 hours. Your body just like a machine that is operated for such a long time without a adequate rest, and has an great possibility of breaking down. As for the right to enjoy your life which is based on your health, it will be devastated with your body falling down. Compared to such a stressful working mode, working for short hours may relieve these workers from the work pressure, and confer them more chance to use their rights to enjoy their life.
  Furthermore, working for more days in a week can help workers establish a more impressive friendship and cooperation among colleagues. You know, one of the main proponents of our friends comes from our working circumstance. According to a survey conducted by the psychology research department of Beijing University, 89% of people have a tendency to make friends with their colleagues who stand with you and encourage your when you come across some difficulties in your work, and there are 51% people willing to some of their colleagues as their soul mates because they have share the happiness and sorrow during their work. Therefore, work for more days can do help to create a great cooperation and friendship among the workers because they have more opportunities to meet with each other, communicate with each other, and share with each other.
  Considering all the analysis above, although working long time for three days can bring a much more weekends or so called mini holidays for workers, however the surmount of rest time is equivalent to the other working mode. In my eyes, working shorter hours for five days can be more suitable working mode for nowadays' workers who live in such a sophisticated and versatile society, and can lead our life to being more efficient and healthy.

相关帖子

回应

使用道具举报

秋雨荆州
UID：2903781

元老版主

Rank: 11

声望: 8090
寄托币: 115449
注册时间: 2010-9-11
精华: 41
帖子: 31980

发表于 2012-7-30 21:58:44 |显示全部楼层

hey, why not try this
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... &extra=page%3D1

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

发表于 2012-8-3 10:25:28 |显示全部楼层

It is more enjoyable to have a job and work long hours for three days in a week than to work shorter hours for five days in a week.

In the context of the extreme competitiveness and dizzying work environment changes, a soaring number of the office men and ladies are looking for a better and enjoyable way to spend their work time. When it comes to this, some workers point out that it is more enjoyable to have a job and work long hours for three days because it can save plenty of time for themselves to determine how to spend. For my part, however, I believe that working shorter hours for five days will be more meaningful and enjoyable in that this kind of working mode means health, efficiency, and cooperation.

Working shorter hours for five days in a week limits a comparatively short period of work time for laborers or employees, (I'm not sure what you mean by 'comparatively short' here. The total hours will likely not be shorter than the other way of working, so it probably means the daily working period is shorter – but this is given in the question, so you don't really need to say it again..) and spurs their potential energy to work more hard and efficient (That's not the way to do comparatives. It's 'harder and more efficiently'.). There is no doubt that the efficiency plays a vital role in the work circumstance, and taking my brother Edward for example: Edward Cullen (..Whatever happens, DON'T use a bestselling teenage novel's vampire hero as your brother..), who has the inclination to decay (Only dead things 'decay'..) every task given by others, never completing (You can't put two main verbs in one clause.) his tasks before the deadline because he is eager for more time and space to enjoy his life instead of being trapped in the prison of job-finishing. Thus, if there were a rule about working shorter hours for more days in one week being set in the company, those employees who are willing to delay their job until the deadline, like Edward, would have to accomplish their everyday's duty in a very short time because the working time has been shortened. (I don't get your reasoning. Since you said your brother 'never complete his tasks before the deadline', then it won't matter to him that the working hours are now shorter..because, well, he never cared about the number of hours before the deadline anyway..) Thus, this new working mode can enhance the efficiency of those workers and make contribution to the productivity of company.

Moreover, workers' health also obtains benefits from the new working mode. For example, no one can deny the fact that you have to pay more price if you just desire to accomplish something in a very short time. not only the long work hours but also are your health and your right to enjoy the colorful life forced to pay (I'm not sure what you want to express with this sentence. People can be 'forced to pay' for things, not the other way round..). You have to be absorbed in the work for so long a time, maybe 10 hours, 12 hours, even 16 hours. Your body is just like a machine that is operated for such a long time without a adequate rest, and has an great possibility of breaking down. As for the right to enjoy your life which is based on your health, it will be devastated with your body falling down (This literally means ONLY 'falling down', not the metaphorical meaning of 'failing'.). Compared to such a stressful working mode, working for short hours may relieve these workers from the work pressure, and confer them more chance to use their rights to enjoy their life. (I think this is probably because I didn't understand one of the previous sentences..but so far I can't really tell what exact point you're trying to make by mentioning 'you have to pay more to accomplish something in a short time'. I don't find it relevant to the discussion at all.)

Furthermore, working for more days in a week can help workers establish a more impressive friendship and cooperation among colleagues. You know, one of the main proponents (This means 'supporters'..while I think what you meant to say would be more like 'components'..but even 'components' is not really the best word here. I'd probably just use 'source'.) of our friends comes from our working circumstance ('circumstance' is the abstract summary of the world through your experiences. It's not exactly the external environment of any particular context..in the context of jobs, you'd usually have 'work environments' rather than 'circumstances'..). According to a survey conducted by the psychology research department of Beijing University, 89% of people have a tendency to make friends with their colleagues who stand with you and encourage your when you come across some difficulties in your work, and there are 51% people willing to (You need a verb here..) some of their colleagues as their soul mates because they have shared the happiness and sorrow during their work. Therefore, working for more days can do help to create a great cooperation and friendship among the workers because they have more opportunities to meet with each other, communicate with each other, and share with each other.(As I said, usually it's assumed that the total hours of work per week stays roughly the same – e.g. 13 hours x 3 days versus 8 hours x 5 days. If the total contact hours are not significantly different, then you can't really argue the people who work 5 days have 'more' opportunities to interact..)

Considering all the analysis above, although working long time for three days can bring a much more weekends (No matter how many days you work or don't work, you still only have 1 weekend per week, not 'more'..by the definition of 'weekend'..the most you can have are 'longer' weekends, not 'more' weekends..) or so called mini holidays for workers, however the surmount of rest time is equivalent to the other working mode. In my eyes, working shorter hours for five days can be the more suitable working mode for nowadays' workers who live in such a sophisticated and versatile society, and can lead our life to being more efficient and healthy.

总结：

请注意语法还有用词。。另外论述上很重要的就是你说了半天也没说清楚到底5天工作制比3天工作制是如何能具有你所说的提高生产力啊对健康好啊神马神马的。。其实实际上所谓的这两种工作制，它们的每周工作总时间会是差不多的，所以如果你只是说因为每天时间短就比较好，那我可以说比多少为神马不拿总时间比。。

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！

使用道具举报

maoqiu007
UID：3023523

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 0
寄托币: 718
注册时间: 2011-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 151

发表于 2012-8-13 15:29:24 |显示全部楼层

麻烦姐姐啦~

附件: 你需要登录才可以下载或查看附件。没有帐号？立即注册

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID：2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

发表于 2012-8-14 06:31:51 |显示全部楼层

maoqiu007 发表于 2012-8-13 15:29
麻烦姐姐啦~

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

In the context of the extreme competitiveness and dizzying social changes, people in growing numbers continue to find a better way to improve themselves and achieve the success. Some successes of empires and kings give us an illusion that criticism cannot be the assistor in the path of success. For my part, however, I strongly believe that criticism really plays an increasingly significant role in the pursuit of success, and people who cannot accept the others' criticism or remarks will not become the winner in a working group.

First and foremost, without criticism from others, we are likely to ignore our shortcomings and drawbacks because sometimes we are not astute enough to perceive our weaknesses. Since we cannot revise our shortcomings immediately without the help of others' criticism, we might take a zigzag way towards the final destination-success. Take myself for example: finishing my part of paper (Without context, 'paper' can mean many things, and usually a team report is not actually called an academic 'paper'..so you need to make your meaning clear: if it's a group project report, say 'group project report'.), I never come back and review the whole article which leads to countless grammar and spelling mistakes being left out. Later, my teammate comes to check my work and points out numerous mistakes, and criticizes that no one can be as not cautious (Double negations are very hard to read, so I'd suggest '..no one can be as careless..'.) as me. However, as for me, I don't accept what he says at first because I cannot tolerate someone's satires ('satire' is a kind of writing that intends to ridicule i.e. laugh at other people's follies, so what your friend does is not really 'satire' since he didn't write it nor intend to make fun of you..) like this. Then I find that there are so many bugs ('bugs' specifically refer to mistakes in computer programmes, not writings..) in my paper, and what my teammate reveals really makes sense. Thus, I accept the criticism from my teammate, and modify my paper several times until everything in the article is perfect. Finally, the project of the group scores the highest marks in my class, and I turn to be a deliberate writer and also a successful one.

In this day and age, we are living in an era of extraordinary sophistication and versatility. Everyone has the desire to keep a great relationship with colleagues, and establish a spacious interpersonal network (An 'interpersonal network' is not a physical network, so it doesn't occupy space and can't be 'spacious'. At the most you can say it's 'extensive'.). People who cannot accept some radical remarks from others may hurt the relationship. Suppose that if you neglect the criticism of your teammates which is out of kindness and responsibility, it will absolutely devastate the relationship between you and your teammates. There, destruction of relationship because of your coldness, and it will lead a wrong way for you to achieve success (You 'access' resources, not success.)[/color ]in the work.

Granted, someone might have his or her own excellent ideas or thoughts which are considered as the completely stupid by others, and they refuse the criticism from others. Finally they prove their ability or what they think is talent, but he (The previous subject is 'they' – who is 'he' here?) cannot play a vital role in the teamwork because they (..and back to 'they'.) did not pay attention to others. Everyone knowthe the fact that a team is much more powerful than an individual.

Based on the analysis above, we can safely draw a conclusion that people cannot be successful without criticism from others.

总结：

语法上请特别注意第三人称单数和人称代词。。还有就是论述很空泛，到最后一个论点段的时候基本上就是点水而过没有具体论证。。我觉得这主要其实是因为你写一个例子要费好多字，不够精炼，时间上来不及就虎头蛇尾了。。精炼的语言来自于精炼的思考，能在三句话之内把一个论点想清楚，再在三句话之内把一个例子想明白，也就差不多了，所以请继续努力~~

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！