[作文] revising my writing [复制链接]

westwoodxie
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发表于 2012-7-31 22:47:55 |显示全部楼层

本帖最后由 westwoodxie 于 2012-7-31 22:49 编辑

Do you agree or disagree:　　when teachers assign projects on which students must work together, students will learn much more effectively than ask them to do alone.
Nowadays, it is highlighted how pupils acquire academic knowledge as effectively as possible. Some people argue that students can quietly sit in library alone and think over the homework what their teachers assign. In contrast, others suggest that students suppose to study in a group so as to study effectively. In my point, I will agree with the first one.
   First, students must gain the ability of independent thinking. The history of science tells us that many inventions and findings, such as the law of universal gravitation, come from the personal thinks. Similarly, in schools and even universities, teachers usually suggest that students should train the capacity of independent thinking and sill advocate the scientific inspirit of independent thinking. Only when students come up into the habitat of independent thinking, they can have themselves’ opinion toward various phenomena when they become adults, which is main purpose of education. Therefore, teachers can be encouraged to ask students to finish a assignment together.
   Meanwhile, students could spend less time and energy finishing their homework when they are alone. We must admit the fact that children easily distracted by different objects such as her/his friends and toys. Similarly, if students, as a member of a study team, cope with their assignment, they maybe pay attention to other actions and forget important thing of themselves. For instance, my cousin, 14 years old, was asked to carry out an observation of beetles with another students and wrote a report of observation, which was his important assignment. However, his classmate persuaded my cousin to swim in a crook instead of observing beetles so that they played a whole day. What did my cousin benefit from a team assignment?
   Sometimes, during a team assignment, students just rely on other efforts because they think that teachers cannot judge what everyone has done at all. Spoiled by parents, some students have developed the bad habitat of dependence, which also affect their expression in school. In a team, these kids are reluctant to think positively and independently and wait to the final result what other students do. Imaginably, without the process of own thinking, how can these children acquire the knowledge and success in the future?
   In sum, it is undeniable that when teachers assign projects on which students must work alone, students will learn much more effectively.

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mpromanus
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发表于 2012-8-8 02:01:22 |显示全部楼层

Do you agree or disagree: when teachers assign projects on which students must work together, students will learn much more effectively than ask them to do alone. (This question itself is not really properly worded..)

Nowadays, it is highlighted how pupils ('pupil' specifically means very young students, e.g. in primary schools, or a student under personal teaching in relation to a teacher. Keep to 'students' if talking about students in general.) acquire academic knowledge as effectively as possible. Some people argue that students can quietly sit in a library alone and think over the homework what their teachers assign. (Doing homework alone doesn't necessarily mean sitting quietly in a library..the gist is 'alone', which means the student must not discuss his/her homework with anybody else. It doesn't mean the student cannot make any noise or must do it in a library.)In contrast, others suggest that students are supposed to study in a group so as to study effectively. In my point, I will agree with the first one.

First, students must gain the ability of independent thinking. The history of science tells us that many inventions and findings, such as the law of universal gravitation, come from the personal thinking. Similarly, in schools and even universities, teachers usually suggest that students should train the capacity of independent thinking and sill advocate the scientific inspirit of independent thinking (I don't see why you have to use the word 'still'. You're basically saying the same thing before and after the 'and'..). Only when students come up into the habitat of independent thinking, they can have themselves’ opinions ('themselves' does not mean the same thing as 'their own'. Basically, '-self' pronouns cannot take possessives, i.e. you can't say 'myself's opinion'. You can only say 'my own/theor own opinion'.) toward various phenomena when they become adults, which is main purpose of education. Therefore, teachers can be encouraged to ask students to finish an assignments together.(I'm utterly confused as to what your point is. You've been saying you think students should do homework alone, and they must have independent thinking, blah, and here you say teachers should ask students to do assignments together..so should the students do their assignments alone or together??)

Meanwhile, students could spend less time and energy finishing their homework when they are alone. We must admit the fact that children are easily distracted by different objects such as her/his friends and toys. Similarly, if students, as a member of a study team, cope with their assignment, they may be paying attention to other actions and forget the important thing of themselves (What do you mean by 'important thing of themselves'?). For instance, my cousin, 14 years old, was asked to carry out an observation of beetles with another students and wrote a report of observation, which was his important assignment. However, his classmate persuaded my cousin to swim in a crook instead of observing beetles so that they played for a whole day. What did my cousin benefit from a team assignment? (I don't know, a better ability to swim? Don't ask your reader questions unless it's very obvious, and, what you think is very obvious might not be very obvious to a reader..so, just don't ask questions. State your opinions and make them clear, concise, and straightforward: 'Thus my cousin didn't benefit from a team assignment because his teammate was more of a distraction than a help'. This example is very good, though.)

Sometimes, during a team assignment, students just rely on other people's efforts because they think that teachers cannot judge what everyone has done at all. Spoiled by parents, some students have developed the bad habitat of dependence, which also affects their expression in school (Not sure what this means..). In a team, these kids are reluctant to think positively and independently and wait for the final result that other students do. Imaginably, without the process of their own thinking, how can these children acquire the knowledge and success in the future? (Isn't this the same point about 'independent thinking' in the 2nd paragraph?)

In sum, it is undeniable that when teachers assign projects on which students must work alone, students will learn much more effectively.

总结
：
论述和例子不错，但是第三个论点没看出和第一个论点有神马区别。。另外就是语法和语义的问题，词不达意的地方比较多，特别是what分句，用了两次都没用对。。what分句中的what本身就是代替了名词，所以如果你前面有名词的话就不能用what，而应该用that。。比如：

I eat beef.

使用what从句的方法是把你要what的名词直接换成what:

I eat what.

然后把what往前挪：

what I eat.

最后把这个从句嵌在另外一个句子里。这个包含的句子能嵌what从句的位置应该是跟something替换而不是叠加，比如：
This is <something> + <what I eat> -> This is <what I eat>.

而不是This is <something> <what I eat>

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