[主题活动] [每日一评] Issue103 By fancyww -- 论述应该考虑整体结构组织 [复制链接]

It cannot be doubted that the study of history has significant values. If we define "daily life" as the mundane chores in our everyday routines, the history does have little pragmatic use. However, people do not only live with secular concerns. When considering the big picture of the future and the motivation to carry on, the study of history shows much more important values.

此段首先肯定了题目，然后在给定的if情况下，提出一种情况，而后又however，提出与之相悖的另外一个观点。结束句表示的是第二种情况，与第一种情况相比，论述部分稍稍写多了写，但是没所谓，问题不是太大。论点基本是部分肯定，然后分情况讨论，接下来就是洋洋洒洒的三大段论述，逻辑还算清晰，用词还比较讲究，开头段不错。

To begin with, I concede that the study of history should serve to make our daily life more meaningful and pleasant.（TS提出meaningful and thoughtful，但似乎与首段提到的观点联系得不够紧凑。）The reasons are twofold. （这里简洁明了，说明仍然是在分情况讨论。）On one hand, based on the account of historic study, historic TV series, drama, and plays bring people some basic knowledge of historic events as well as amusement, for example, The Tudors on Showtime. On the other hand, history can provide elevate （多余，建议删除，或者改成provide elevation to）our everyday chores to rich, interesting, and enjoyable experience. For example, reading the biographies of famous people in history, people seem to find some similar quandaries which also used to bother these great minds. And how our predecessors reacted gives people reference.

TS提出的观点是，history make our daily life more meaning ful and pleasant，继而简洁明了提出双重性，再分析原因。到这里为止，都没有很大的什么问题。然后你论述里两个方面提出的是amusement或者interesting，没有很好的跟TS整体结构上对应，也就是，TS所体现的肯定性质，在你的论述已经举例里，没有得到充分体现。组织语言，例子与段落结构的时候，要更多的联系TS，以寻得更严谨的论述方式。

However, the study of history has far more important values to both individuals and the society beyond benefiting daily lives. Admittedly, what happened in the past will not repeat exactly in the future. However, just as Mark Twain once said,"history doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme". The "rhyme" here means the experience we can learn from history. （其实我觉得这个地方，对MARK TWAIN所说的rhyme进行解释进行得非常多余，首先不说你的解释有没有问题，这种问题其实是非常容易挑的，比如你直接将动词名词词性互换，片面理解等等，更重要的，我觉得这里不必解释的原因是，其实你让读者有一个想像空间，对你更有好处。通过你的例子和论述去得到的对于rhyme的解释，即便千人千种理解，那也远远比你一开始说的要强很多。）For example, Apple may learn something from its marketing failure of personal computer. Back in the 1980s, Apple leapt way ahead in the PC market when it released the i-mac. At that time, Apple had the market all to itself. However, Apple refused to let other companies license its software. Later, Windows took over the world and now holds more than 90 percent market share. Now Apple's i-phone seems to have taken the leading place in the market. However, other mobile phone manufacturers are working together on Android, new type of cell phone similar to i-phone but with more diversity and lower prices. So will it be the déjà vu of i-mac all over again, or will Apple can learn from the past and take measures to avoid losing its dominant position? I believe Steven Jobs can learn a lot from the history of the technology development and make wise decisions.举例不是很恰当，且不说你的论述语言是否过于累赘，一个例子用了太过多的句子去描绘，你的例子本身就与你这段的TS不够贴切，没能很好的说明问题。

就这一段的结构组织来说，本算中规中矩的TS+发散+举例，但是你三部分的衔接做得不够到位，第二部分与第三部分都没能与TS很好的呼应。

More often history may not simply provide us with accurate answers or guidance in dilemmas, but more importantly, it support us with spirit, motivation, and strength.To individuals the spirits of the preeminent figures in history can give them thoughtful enlightenment and strength to achieve their goals. Reading the biography of great individuals has far more values than simply find counterpart of our daily life from history. To a community, its history is the foundation where its people find their common faith, consolation, and cultural identity. Confucius, the greatest Chinese thinker and philosophers, once put that,"it is history that teaches us to hope". I believe it means that the more you know about the past, the better you are prepared for the future. Consider why Chinese people cherish their history so much. The great achievements made by their ancestors are so distant and even irrelevant from their daily life, but their history furnish them with pride, perseverance, and faith to revive their nation at present time.

本段TS以后分individuals和community两种情况，分情况探讨history对现在的support，也都分别给出了举例论证，结构组织上比前两段都相对完整。总的来说，3个论述段，从3个方面展开，除了段2的例子运用不大恰当之外，其他的论述问题不大，语言问题也不是很大，有问题的是整体结构的组织。除去段3的整体结构组织算是相对衔接完整，段1和段2两个论述段内部的organization都存在一定的逻辑问题。

再回过头来看整体的三个论述段，开头段提出的部分肯定和继而的分情况讨论，就三个论述段的TS来看，并没能和首段很好的对应起来。首先value其实应该是审题中一个不可或缺的关键词，你首段提到，接下来却没能很好的分析论述。再看，你的第一个论述段分别是持肯定的态度，而接下来第二个和第三个论述段持的都。是否定的态度。按照常理来说，第二段和第三段应该是一个递进的论述，但是我看到的却是一个平衡的论述。作者的态度是有让步的反对，这个和你持完全反对的态度是有区别的，作者在寻找一种balance，而这个balance的程度就是区别。一般如果说depend on specific situation往往会写两面互有作用互相制衡基本balance无法偏好，而像这篇文章这样的有保留的反对，其实作者在论述的时候在个别方面肯定而主要笔墨还是在于反对。就寻求平衡这一点来说，作者做得不够到位。再回过头看，若是作者在整体论述过程中加几句分析论述的内容，然后再具体的论述段里不要老是论点加例子，把前后的承接，转折，语气都做足了，广泛展开加上深入分析，全文的整体结构组织就会完整很多。

Thus, I believe that history is the witness of the past, the example and instructor of the present, and monitor to the future. The study of history not only adds colors to our daily life and help solving the current problems, but also sheds light on the development of an individual, a state, or even the whole world, inspiring and enlightening us to build a promising future.

再回过头来看整体的三个论述段，开头段提出的部分肯定和继而的分情况讨论，就三个论述段的TS来看，并没能和首段很好的对应起来。首先value其实应该是审题中一个不可或缺的关键词，你首段提到，接下来却没能很好的分析论述。再看，你的第一个论述段分别是持肯定的态度，而接下来第二个和第三个论述段持的都。是否定的态度。按照常理来说，第二段和第三段应该是一个递进的论述，但是我看到的却是一个平衡的论述。作者的态度是有让步的反对，这个和你持完全反对的态度是有区别的，作者在寻找一种balance，而这个balance的程度就是区别。一般如果说depend on specific situation往往会写两面互有作用互相制衡基本balance无法偏好，而像这篇文章这样的有保留的反对，其实作者在论述的时候在个别方面肯定而主要笔墨还是在于反对。就寻求平衡这一点来说，作者做得不够到位。再回过头看，若是作者在整体论述过程中加几句分析论述的内容，然后再具体的论述段里不要老是论点加例子，把前后的承接，转折，语气都做足了，广泛展开加上深入分析，全文的整体结构组织就会完整很多。

我写issue遇到这问题就是，在脑子中构思的很好，就是有时候没有把想到的东西完全清楚明白地表示出来，有时候以为自己的潜台词比较丰富，能够让人明白自己的论证思路了。看来确要“把前后的承接，转折，语气都做足了”，才能让文章整体连贯、完整起来。