[未归类] 肖婷~的作文本，请大家多指教~谢谢~ [复制链接]

肖婷~
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发表于 2010-8-12 14:21:24 |只看该作者

本帖最后由肖婷~ 于 2010-8-12 15:14 编辑

8.12的作业，具体见附件
请多指教了，谢谢~~

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niunian
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发表于 2010-8-13 09:56:40 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 niunian 于 2010-8-13 09:59 编辑

8.12~~~改好了~~

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zhoupengyu
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发表于 2010-8-13 14:48:51 |只看该作者

不知道要多少分才能够把word链接上来。。。。

Sometimes people tend to believe that only with the confirmation of other people can they become successful in life, however, I do not agree with such statement. Indeed, to show your strengths and accomplishments to other people, people would get to know you better, and it will promote the reliance and trust between people. However, there is no necessary relationship between whether succeed and whether those influential people affirm the accomplishment. We should distinguish the value of our own ability and the value that other people attach to your ability. (开篇切题不错，但是最后一句和倒数第二句是否论述重复？望商榷。另外就是倒数第二句显得有点繁复，意思都到了，但是显得是逐字逐句去译的一样。)

Admittedly, showing strengths and accomplishments to others is a performance to express your self-confidence and ambition. With the performance, people would tend to pay more trust to you. This can be seen from the job-hunting. When the employer are not familiar with some other aspects (这句话是想表达不被面试官熟悉么？直接用interviewer好了), strengths and accomplishments become an important certification of your capacity, and to make others know about your advantages shows that you are confident in yourself. (这句话感觉太冗余了，你看看这么写行不行and your confidence would be realized by others.)

However, a thing that determines the success fundamentally is the value of your ability but rather (instead of或者是rather than) your previous accomplishments. I think that to make sure other people know about your strengths and accomplishments is just the ladder of process to make you gain success much easier. (这个句子还是有点过乱，你看看这么改行不行：I believe that to make other people realize your strengths and accomplishments will lead your success.) The wide application of telegraph accounts for the theory. The telegraph was patented by Samuel Morse in the United States. During a successful experiment, that by constructing a telegraph line from Washington to Baltimore and making it conduct message successfully, Samuel tried to persuade the congress to devote public funding to further the development of telegraph (further也有这种用法：further develop the technology of telegraph), but the congress denied the proposal. He later turned to the private companies for funding, and finally made the telegraph to be the most important communication tools in the subsequent decades. That is to say, the confirmation from those influential people would make it easier for someone to get success in their life since they could provide beneficial physical condition to promote the success. What determines the result is people’s demand. This can also be certified by the application of various scientific technologies.

Generally speaking, we cannot deny the significance of confirmation from other people that bring beneficial assistance to make our ambitions achieved; we should not limit real value to some people’s confirmation, which would change our original intention and limit our prospective success.

1． 1. 论文清楚不过稍显反面论述不足。主要是第三段，however转折后没看出来有让步论证或者是反面论证。好像还是在论证第二段一样。
2． 2. 基础扎实。我是看不出什么语法错误来的。但是长句的把握还是有所不足，我只能尽自己所能帮你完善，但以你的能力会改的更好一点。

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