我觉得,你的倒数第二段用了一个admittedly,这让我感觉到你想有让步。因此,我认为这段应该放前一点,再加一个unfortunately, however they will learn lessons from their failures. Experiencing failure is far more useful for making wise choice in the future than listen/listening to parents’ dictation. If parents substitute children to make choices, children will turn to parents’ help whenever they come across any difficulties when making choices and gradually lose independence. Gradually, they will lose courage to make their own choice in fear of failure. 这样就很有逻辑。不过纯属是本人的个人见解