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[作文] 《12.20冲刺》IBT写作小组作文贴 by cckkll1994 [复制链接]

luckybabynanfu
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61楼

发表于 2010-12-9 15:27:42 |只看该作者

已改

In contemporary era, when the pace of our life becomes increasingly fast, will it still be necessary for us to behave as polite as the way before? Recently, a controversy has raised amount(是要写among？) people, regarding the this question. While some individuals claims that it will be much efficient if we skip those so-called courtesy and pursuing our goal straight without any distractions, other people believe otherwise. Speaking for myself, I side with the later（latter） viewpoint.8 ~" k/ U) L4 K b9 B$ g" V

Concerning working without bothering behave polite（用副词） and acquaintance（要表达什么？且词性不对） to others, it, indeed, saves us time and brings convenience in some degree. But how much time could be saved; how much convenience will it brings? Is it really worthy enough for us to take the risk of losing the help from other people, which could has been very helpful, and facing our journey alone in a world full of strangers? I assume everyone has already had their answer.
（这一段要表达什么观点？？用了三个问句，但是都没有给出答案，会让人有点搞不清你想表达什么。建议最后一句I assume everyone has already had their answer. 改成针对前几个问题，明确你的立场。）

Courteous behaving（behavior，Courteous是形容词。）, on the other hand, will not only enable us to impress others, but also help us to focus on the things that people have in common and tolerate the differences. In this way we can have more friends of a wide spectrum,which,in another word, are opportunities of greater chance. Moreover, politeness is always regarded as a vital part of our characteristics. it is only under special circumstances when we keep being polite to others, would we be able to keep from losing ourselves from what and who we are. (这最后一句没看明白):
Admittedly, pursuing our goals directly has its advantages, however, if all the factors that we have and have not mentioned before complied , the advantages of courtesy weight more that (than) those of the other one. Consequently, it won't be so hard for us to reach the conclusion that even in present day society, being polite is still probably a good thing for us.

改的你的第二篇文章了，感觉比上篇进步了。
加油~

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pocketlion
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62楼

发表于 2010-12-9 23:29:40 |只看该作者

60# cckkll1994
网络有问题明天发给你哈

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pocketlion
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63楼

发表于 2010-12-10 14:54:22 |只看该作者

改好了～～～两个都在里面

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cckkll1994
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64楼

发表于 2010-12-11 00:33:12 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 cckkll1994 于 2010-12-11 00:34 编辑

12.10
independent

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is often not a good idea to move to a new city or a new country because you will lose old friends.

   As a son of oriental land,it is our tradition to value the our place of birth and leave only under special circumstances in which we possess no option. And this coincidentally has something associated with the topic in the direction. Yet, I cannot say I agree with this viewpoint, though it sides with my tradition.

   Regarding moving to a new place, this ,indeed , make it sightly more difficult for us to get along with our old friends. Since we can no longer see each other frequently, friends may be alienated. This might be a good reason decades of years ago, however, with rapidly developing technology today, various ways of communication such as mobile phone, e-mail, are applied and make it possible for us to take and write to a friends in distant area with great convenience. Moreover, friendships could even grow deeper if we keep phoning each other or simply sending a piece of message though cellphone everyday.

   On the other hand,moving to a new city or a new country , not only can help us to expand our horizon, but also enables us to meet new people, be acquainted with others, and even make new friends. With a wider connection net ,we could get help from others much easier. Beside, who can possibly resist a chance “to explore the unknown ahead, seek out new opportunities and fortunes, to boldly go where he has never gone before” (as it is said in StarTrek series).

   Of course, moving to a new environment requires a lot of courage and determinations, in the sense that we will have to adapt a whole new way of life, overcome problems include languages, culture, even religious aspects. However, if all the factors we have and have not discussed above compiled, the advantages of a different city or a country carry more weight than those of the other opinion. Consequently, we can finally reach the conclusion that to move to a new city or a new country can be a very good idea in spite of the little risk of losing old friends.

Live long and prosper.

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嘉木香草
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65楼

发表于 2010-12-11 10:09:46 |只看该作者

改好了，抱歉昨晚网出问题了，才交上来~

TOEFL is a game

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嘉木香草
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66楼

发表于 2010-12-11 10:14:28 |只看该作者

改好了，抱歉昨晚网出问题了，才交上来~

TOEFL is a game

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嘉木香草
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67楼

发表于 2010-12-11 10:17:33 |只看该作者

改好了，抱歉昨晚网出问题了，才交上来~

TOEFL is a game

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嘉木香草
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68楼

发表于 2010-12-11 10:18:50 |只看该作者

改好了，抱歉昨晚网出问题了，才交上来~

TOEFL is a game

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师走99
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69楼

发表于 2010-12-11 20:23:40 |只看该作者

真对不起~

TPO11~

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luckybabynanfu
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70楼

发表于 2010-12-11 20:43:38 |只看该作者

As a son of oriental land(中文是不是要说成炎黄子孙，呵呵，我觉得这个表达让人有点摸不着头脑。反正咋一看，没反应过来，等到反应过来呢，又觉得挺好玩。。), it is our tradition to value the our place of birth and leave only under special circumstances in which we possess no option（这句奇怪 Perhaps it is our human nature to be nostalgic towards an old place and thus one would not leave one’s homeland so long as there is a choice）. And this coincidentally has something associated with the topic in the direction. Yet, I cannot say I agree( I can hardly agree) with this viewpoint, though it sides with my tradition.

    Regarding moving to a new place, this ,indeed , make it slightly(slightly) more difficult for us to get along with our old friends. Since we can no longer see each other frequently, friends may be alienated. This might be a good reason decades of years ago, however, with rapidly developing technology today, various ways of communication such as mobile phone, e-mail, are applied and make it possible for us to take and write to a friends in distant area with great convenience. Moreover, friendships could even grow deeper if we keep phoning each other or simply sending a piece of message though cellphone everyday.

   On the other hand,moving to a new city or a new country , not only can help us to expand our horizon, but also enables us to meet new people, be acquainted with others, and even make new friends. With a wider connection net ,we could get help from others much easier. Beside, who can possibly resist a chance “to explore the unknown ahead, seek out new opportunities and fortunes, to boldly go where he has never gone before” (as it is said in StarTrek series).(问句？不如改成 it is hard for one to resist such a tempting to “explore…”.

   Of course, moving to a new environment requires a lot of courage and determinations, in the sense that we will have to adapt a whole new way of life, overcome problems include languages, culture, even religious aspects. However, if all the factors we have and have not discussed above compiled, the advantages of a different city or a country carry more weight than those of the other opinion. Consequently, we can finally reach the conclusion that to move to a new city or a new country can be a very good idea in spite of the little risk of losing old friends.

看了几篇你的作文，有个很强烈的感觉，你很喜欢用让步。（文中加粗体的。都是让步认同对方观点的好，或是自己观点的不足）。倘若把你的文章分成三部分。一部分是表达自己的观点，一部分论证未必能到位，剩下一部分就是在让步。
本身很短的文章，用这么多篇幅在承认对方的确有理，或者，我的选择的确也有难处。这样，感觉你总在绕，有点拖泥带水，是很难有说服力去表达自己观点的。
个人认为，让步在整个文章里不宜太多，篇幅最好是一段的一半。可以开头段，也可以末尾段

如果是A.B观点，要么第一段让步是欲擒故纵．要么最后一段让步是以退为进。

1、 A在某方面看上去是好处，的确，但跟B比微不足道。
2、 B好（1）
3、 B好（2）

1、 B好（1）
2、 B好（2）
3、就算大家都说A好的那个方面，其实是个坏处。

呵呵，以上是我自己的一点体会，不知道你适合不适合，希望有帮助~
这是我给你改的最后一篇作文了，呵呵，因为明天考完试我也不会再来写了~ 你加油哦~ 还可以练几篇

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cckkll1994
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71楼

发表于 2010-12-11 22:46:12 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 cckkll1994 于 2010-12-11 22:50 编辑

12.11 independent

In contemporary era, it is extensively acknowledged that the issue of education, has been cast a increasingly essential role in a country’s development. Yet, in the meantime, whether young children’s education or Higher educations concerning universities should be given preferential option has sparked much debate. Some individuals assert that it is fundamentally beneficial to pay more attention on primary educations, while some other people hold on otherwise. Speaking for myself, I side the second viewpoint.

Regarding children’s educations, they, indeed, provide many people with basic knowledge and skills to manage our rapidly developing society. However, the quantity of people they serves also demonstrate that the knowledge we learned from them are too insufficient to match with the global competition of science and technologies.

Higher educations, on the other hand, not only enable us to learn in a wider spectrum of in-depth knowledge, but also help the whole country to achieve a higher standards of development. Unlike a simple additional calculation, the competitiveness of a nation depend on those small amount of elites of high “quality” instead of the quantity of skilled workers. Albert Einstein, for example, a single man changed the history of American, Japan, and even the entire humanity. Had Albert Einstein not born in German,instead, a country lack of chance entering universities, he would not have published Relativity, the milestone marks the revolution of modern physics. This sort of example in which hugh potential does exist in higher educations is not rare.

Of course, primary educations is needed in some degree, but we really should doubt the necessity of large amount of funds and resources invested on them.Nevertheless, if all factors that we have and have not disscussed compiled, the advantages of universities weight more than those of children’s educations. Consequently, it is afertall not so for us to reach the conclusion that a government should spend more money on universities rather than young children’s education.

Live long and prosper.

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ofeyae
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72楼

发表于 2010-12-12 22:26:47 |只看该作者

In contemporary era, it is extensively acknowledged that the issue of education, has been cast a increasingly essential role in a country’s development. Yet, in the meantime, whether young children’s education or Higher educations (education 数量词前后要统一) concerning universities should be given preferential option has sparked much debate. Some individuals assert that it is fundamentally beneficial to pay more attention on primary educations, while some other people hold on otherwise. Speaking for myself, I side the second viewpoint.（the second viewpoint是你文章里提出的第二个point---primary education 还是题目中的第二个point-university point?）
Regarding children’s educations, they, indeed, provide many people with basic knowledge and skills to manage our rapidly developing society. However, the quantity of people they serves also demonstrate(s) that the knowledge we learned from them are too insufficient to match with the global competition of science and technologies(technology).

Higher educations, on the other hand, not only enable us to(enable to…for us) learn in a wider spectrum of in-depth knowledge, but also help the whole country to achieve a higher standards(standard) of development. Unlike a simple additional calculation, the competitiveness of a nation depend (depends) on those small amount of elites of high “quality” instead of the quantity of skilled workers. Albert Einstein, for example, a single man changed the history of American, Japan,(为什么美国、日本、其他国家) and even the entire humanity. Had Albert Einstein been not born in German, instead, a country lack of chances entering(to enter) universities, he would not have published Relativity, the milestone marks(marking) the revolution of modern physics. This sort of example in which hugh(?) potential does exist in higher educations is not rare.(这句没看懂)

Of course, primary educations(education) is needed in some degree, but we really should doubt the necessity of large amount of funds and resources invested（ing） on them. Nevertheless, if all factors that we have and have not disscussed compiled, the advantages of universities weight more than those of children’s educations. Consequently, it is afertall not so for us to reach the conclusion that a government should spend more money on universities rather than young children’s education.

语法还需加强。加油~

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