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[i习作temp] 求批ISSUE11-人的行为更多是由于外界压力（批改者留链接回改~） [复制链接]

hylshelley
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-8-24 11:33:21 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

11) People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

中文写作提纲：
正：由于人们对于其他社会成员有一定依赖性，自己的计划不可避免会受到外界波动的影响
例子：金融危机
反：长期来说，通过努力，人可以逆反被控制的地位，从而成为影响别人的一方。
例子：凯恩斯和马歇尔、费雪
反：就算普通人也可以趋利避害，而在某种程度上实现主观能动性
例子：自己的交换生经历

The complexity and ambiguity of social scenarios encumber the judgement of whether we are free spirit to make our own decision or puppet of external forces. While I concede that to a certain degree no one can escape the fate to be controlled by something else than his or her own mind, in most situations we maintain the autonomy.

The inevitable dependence on other member of the society serves to transmit outside forces and cripples individuals’ freedom to make his or her own choice. Human beings are essentially social animals. We rely on other members in the society, either folks in the vicinity or outlanders in other continents, to supply materials with which we can obtain and maintain a decent modern lifestyle. The more connected we are, the less possible that we can distance ourselves from fierce turbulence from without. The 2008 financial calamity centered in US robbed millions of people of their jobs globally. Without stable income to pay back real estate mortgage, some people witness the abortion of their once gorgeous vision of future dwelling. This example demonstrates that even we come up with some consummate blueprints for our life, since the realization of them involves support from outside, we have to be ready to, if not abandon, at least amend them. Indeed, as some may argue, one can buffer the potential strike by voluntary insulating himself from too much exposure to the external world. Yet unless he would like to lead an austere life like the medieval recluses, the eschewal of outer influence is not likely to succeed.

The picture is less bleak viewed in a long-term scope nonetheless. The incipient subjectivity does not preclude the possibility that the individual can reverse his or her position later. For example, John Maynard Keynes, father of Macroeconomics, was not immune from being the follower of other renowned economists in his early academic life. By absorbing, reflecting, synthesizing, resisting and recreating theories by Marshall and Fisher, he eventually established a new school that has profoundly affected the central banks and fiscal policies. It is the unwillingness to surrender and the drudging effort to form one’s own rationale that emancipate him from the oppression of orthodoxy and cultivate a brand new subject.

Again, according to the pessimistic, these are anyway exceptional cases. Consider how rare you can detect one potential general, they insist, among thousands of soldiers, who ultimately get stuck in the fate of obeying the authority rather than taking charge of themselves. But I would argue that this situation is by no means to antithetical to the case of Keynes. Most of the time, even common people have the right to make choice in accord with their wills. They can choose, at least, which current of force to submit to. My experience as an exchange student in California is a case in point. There I encountered disparate systems of values and lifestyles running the gamut from salubrious to detrimental. I did to some extent yield under peer pressure and abandon some original habits in favor of those in vogue among local youngsters, not without selection though. Skipping classes or cheating in tests are “popularity” I will never approach, but going to gym due to urge from my new friends is something I am more than willing to succumb to.

I can see the disagreement raised by those students not fortunate enough to get into a study abroad program. With a relatively ossified tertiary education system, chances are that this group can only follow the convention instead of their own design. But the globalization and spread of democracy provide most hope to this limitation, suggesting further relaxation and more variety in choices.

The fact that we live in a huge network explain in part why we are more or less slave of forces from without. With mettle to fight back and wisdom to make choices, however, we can win back some autonomy for our fate. What is crucial in this battle is to believe that mankind’s innate rationality is unalienable, and truly use this rationality, no matter how hard it is in the process.

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lilish
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沙发

发表于 2015-9-1 15:55:33 |只看该作者

好厉害，查了好多个单词，学习了~
因为层次差异，楼主看看就好。
感觉不太顺的地方在第三段。这是主要态度开始的地方，而且用的例子也高大上，就是。。。好短，所以不够有力。比如可以突出下前人的影响在当时是多么的deterministic,由于个体内心的执着就突破了。后面再小结一下，升华一下。因为前面第二段的解释部分比较多，一下对比第三段突然就只剩下两句例子的感觉，身板有点弱。
然后就是第二段，2008那段应该都用过去时/过去完成时。还有一点点复杂的感觉，有一种想把外界影响广泛避无可避说清楚又担心说不清，后面又加一小段理证的感觉。不知道撸成“人们对于其他社会成员有一定依赖性，自己的计划不可避免会受到外界波动的影响”简单一点的前后结构会不会好点。
第五段感觉跑题了。。。预期是接着第四段的例子解释总结个人主观能动。
They can choose, at least, which current of force to submit to. 看不懂
The fact that we live in a huge network explain in part why we are more or less slave of forces from without.单复数

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岳然
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板凳

发表于 2015-9-10 22:23:49 |只看该作者

LZ语言水平很高，但有一个小问题我稍微提下，就是注意写作的voice，不要一会儿I一会儿we。我个人觉得gre写作中应该尽量避免使用we，因为难免给人一种喊口号呼吁而缺乏公正客观态度的感觉。而且很多时候we突然出现会让读者很……出戏？比如第二段“Human beings are essentially social animals. ” 后面如果跟的是“They...”会不会更cohesive and coherent一点？

在说理方面，这篇写作就稍显薄弱一点。我觉得这在很大程度上是因为LZ的语言功底太强，一下笔就收不住。很多时候一些句子下意识就写出来，可是仔细看看其实并没有什么太大必要。

——比如“We rely on other members in the society, either folks in the vicinity or outlanders in other continents, to supply materials with which we can obtain and maintain a decent modern lifestyle. ”这句。

其中“either folks in the vicinity or outlanders in other continents”完全是多余的，因为这个限定对于说理既没有影响，你在后文中也没有加以解释，不如删去。而且因为这个插入语，后面的to supply的主语就有些歧义，从语法上来讲，应该是we，但从意思上来说，好像应该是other members in the society，总之读到这里我有点困惑。如果是我，大概会直接写"We rely on other society members who supply us with necessities of modern life such as xxx " 而紧跟such as，后面可以直接展开“我们到底是如何依赖其他社会成员的”，而不必去举金融危机这么高大上的例子。这个例子之所以不太好，是因为你在前文提到了material，但例子中却没有显式地说明什么material，感觉联系不够紧密。

但第一个论点基本还是讲透了，而第二个论点……读完我没太明白LZ的逻辑。主题句是很不错的，提出“从长期来看”，算是回答了题目的要求，后面紧跟的一句“一开始的顺从并不意味着之后不能反客为主”也没什么问题。（顺便问一句subjectivity能这么用么？好像没见过类似的用法……）然而就在我以为LZ要开始说明为什么的时候，居然出现了一个例子？显然LZ在这儿犯了一个常见的错误：试图直接通过例子来说理。好吧，Keynes的确摆脱了先人的影响从而创立了新的学说，可是……为什么呢？在这个例子中，“长期”这个条件究竟起到了什么作用，使得他能够摆脱别人的影响？唯一能勉强说得上解释的，可能是这句“By absorbing, reflecting, synthesizing, resisting and recreating theories”（PS。这一串词写得真的很漂亮）但也没有足够深入的剖析。

除此以外，我觉得Keynes这个例子本身是有点不合适的，因为题目说的是"behavior determined by forces not of their own making"，但这里其实是Keynes的“思想”没有“局限于”他人的桎梏而已，对应得并不是很好。如果一定要用这个例子，LZ可能需要在文中具体地定义一下“behavior”是什么。

后面一个观点我觉得很不错，尤其是那句“They can choose, at least, which current of force to submit to.”非常insightful，但展开的方式有待商榷——一定要欲扬先抑一下么？因为这个我差点错误理解了LZ的观点。

后面一段偏题了，没必要写。

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hylshelley
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地板

发表于 2015-9-19 10:14:37 |只看该作者

lilish 发表于 2015-9-1 15:55
好厉害，查了好多个单词，学习了~
因为层次差异，楼主看看就好。
感觉不太顺的地方在第三段。这是主要态度 ...

谢谢评论！！LZ9月6日考试然后马不停蹄赶开学所以回复晚了，万望莫怪！

关于例子的地方这是我一个长期的弊病，指出得非常正确。我一直是前面提论点和解释论点的地方说得很清楚，但是例子就是一两句描述然后瞎扯，可能还是懒没有好好思考准备例子吧sign。。。凯恩斯那段或许我再多说他与导师的互动以及怎么样后来摒弃导师们的学说比较好。
第二段我主要就是想为了表明严谨反驳了一下假想的反方，不过的确与instruction也没什么关系可以不要。
第五段同上。
They can choose, at least, which current of force to submit to.
current= the part of a fluid body moving continuously in a certain direction. 流
我想表达的意思是：（因为人经常处于被很多force同时影响的状态）他们至少可以选择要被哪一个force控制（所以也是一种自主权）

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hylshelley
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5楼

发表于 2015-9-19 10:31:56 |只看该作者

岳然发表于 2015-9-10 22:23
LZ语言水平很高，但有一个小问题我稍微提下，就是注意写作的voice，不要一会儿I一会儿we。我个人觉得gre写 ...

谢谢评论！！LZ9月6日考试然后马不停蹄赶开学所以回复晚了，万望莫怪！

关于人称指代的一点很重要！我以前有看过关于人称指代要统一的说法不过自己没有注意。

我这次作文出分结果是4，估计问题就是出在说理上面。。。典型的废话多堆砌辞藻（尤其是either folks那部分，我是之前在别的题目写过觉得相当顺手就加上去了）。

关于金融危机和凯恩斯的例子，LZ是经济专业的，并不是想高大上而是没有准备过例子哪个事情最熟就直接往上用了哈哈。。。我比较认同你提到的要具体化罗列material的点这个是我之前没有想到的

先承认subjectivity是自己编的因为急了没反应过来-submission或者obedience可能会好一些？然后凯恩斯的那个例子（先不考虑合适性的话）我现在可能会说因为长期研究大师们的理论让他有足够的时间去分析这些理论的内在机理，然后找到弱点并一举攻破。而这是需要耐心和毅力，以及一个漫长的过程，一个自己不断变强变得更incisive的过程。

关于behavior，你这么一提我发现自己审题的时候真的没有关注到这个关键词，所以behavior可能需要被定义为the interaction with things from without, aiming to express or make changes之类的？

LZ为了假装严谨经常喜欢先或后攻击假想的反方，这种习惯是不是不好。。。可能显得立场很模糊

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岳然
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6楼

发表于 2015-9-19 11:16:28 |只看该作者

hylshelley 发表于 2015-9-19 10:31
谢谢评论！！LZ9月6日考试然后马不停蹄赶开学所以回复晚了，万望莫怪！

关于人称指代的一点很重要！我 ...

先恭喜，4已经不错了，以LZ的语言功底，稍微练习一下议论文应该就可以拿到更好的分数。我的建议就是写的时候注意句与句，段与段的联系，让读者可以顺畅地跟着你的思路往下读。
攻击假想反方是没问题的（很多时候甚至是题目的要求），但最好能单独起一段，毕竟阅卷人花在每篇文章上的时间极其有限，如果他一不小心漏看什么句子而造成误解的话，就比较尴尬了。

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