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[优秀习作] Argument48 有望6分的精华文章都来学习 by imong [复制链接]

needle
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发表于 2004-7-27 11:16:08 |显示全部楼层

重写body1后的版本：

Argument48:
The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.
'Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness. Today, the board says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. But since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does.'

限时成功，改了拼写。基本没动。

Giving some facts and some analyses, the arguer alleges a connection between the economy and the fitness levels of Corpora. Although it is credible on the surface, closer examination will reveal the hidden flaws as follows in his/her reasoning.

(写错了的段落)
[Primarily, whether the fitness levels of Corpora has ebbed is kept unknown. Though the national advisory board on physical fitness says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit, it perhaps is not the case in Corpora. As common sense, the conclusion about the national situation is an average in the whole country, and then, it is awfully possible that the fitness levels in Corpora are much higher than the average. Therefore, in spite that fitness levels show a inclination of decline in twenty years, those in Corpora may be kept stable or even increased].

(新写的段落)
<Primarily, whether the fitness levels in Corpora has ebbed is kept unknown since that no evidence shows that the standard used by the board today equate that used twenty years ago. As a common sense, criteria always keep pace with the developments of relevant regions. A possibility cannot be excluded is that with rising of their living levels, the board may have enhanced the old standard for adequate physical fitness. As a result, just equal fitness levels of people in Corpora would probably be declaimed as dwindling despite the opposite reality. Without taking this case into consideration, the arguer misjudges a decline of fitness in Corpora recklessly. >

Next,[granted that fitness levels in Corpora has the same trend as those of the whole nation,] <granted that there is no difference between the standard adopted twenty years ago and today and people in Corpora are not as healthy as before, > to deny the linkage between using computer and the waning fitness levels given by the board seems to be too premature. The fact cannot be cited as evidence that where levels of computer ownership are also highest, there overall fitness levels are highest too, because that computer ownership is the very different concept from using computer. For instance, a school with computer labs can be a region with high computer ownership, but its students are not those using computer longest compared with people who have their own computers. Extremely, it is common for many companies to have idle computers, which makes the ownership of them are very high. But it represents nothing about the using time of their employees. So, it is too rashly to exclude using computer out of all causes.

Additionally, though expenditures on fitness-related products and services in Corpora is unusually low this year, the dwindled fitness levels cannot be attributed to the economic decline. People can do free exercises more than ever, such as jogging, hiking, climbing the mountains, and dancing, all of which benefit people's body conditions undoubtedly. There is no evidence to show that to be fit requires people to spend money on such products and services. And what is more, to claim that the fitness level will improve when the economy does is open to doubt. As mentioned above, people have many choices other than using the products and services to take part in exercises. Besides, even after the economy has woke up, there perhaps are many other matters requiring people to invest, so people may have no free money to enjoy fitness-related products and services. Therefore, not only economic decline cannot be the sole reason of the fitness levels decent, also probably, cannot its improvements contribute to the fitness levels' increase.

In sum, the reasoning of the arguer lack sufficient evidence and well-rounded consideration as discussed above. Far more detailed and scientific studies and scrutiny should be exerted to provide believable data showing the real situation about the fitness level and the factors effecting them in Corpora.[496words]

已有 3 人评分	声望	收起理由
安小庚	+ 1	感谢分享
dali67123054	+ 1
asash	+ 1	~

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needle
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发表于 2004-7-27 16:10:06 |显示全部楼层

up一个:)

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so猫
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发表于 2004-7-27 16:15:06 |显示全部楼层

真想改啊
可惜偶不会改argu啊~~
要不要我们家kk来try try???

True love never runs smooth.

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imong
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发表于 2004-7-27 18:25:36 |显示全部楼层

挺精彩的

b3里面The fact cannot be cited as evidence that where levels of computer ownership are also highest, there（？） overall fitness levels are highest too, 这个引用可能写的并不是太好。无关大局。

我的一个比较严重的疑问：第一段的反驳点的确是是否实际ebb。你的反驳点在于地区缩放错误，不过原题里面有提到不同地区吗？'Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness. Today, the board says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit and suggests that .....我感觉从头到尾都是讨论Corpora的呀:confused:

我看完题目还没看你文章的时候就想到题目的反驳：
1.是否实际ebb，alternative我想到的是用“NAB”20年间标准变化（应该还有更好的吧..）
2.设法证明和computer的确有关，你的这个段落很漂亮
3.设法证明和economy无关，你的这个段落同样漂亮

如果不是第一段让我倒吸一口冷气的话，这个帖子就直接精华6分了。讨论一下。

Rien de réel ne peut être menacé.
Rien d'irréel n'existe.

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needle
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发表于 2004-7-27 19:18:41 |显示全部楼层

OK

谢谢imong。body1可能写的有争议了，临考可能会太risky。我会注意的。

20年是一个点，标准问题完全可以驳斥。

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needle
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发表于 2004-7-27 22:49:32 |显示全部楼层

Argument48:
The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.

It is a lesson for me that I neglected the background~~~~so my body1 should be rewritten:mad:

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六翼小宇
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发表于 2004-7-28 00:28:42 |显示全部楼层

Re: Argument48 限时基本成功的狗狗，健康下降，电脑经济谁是祸根

最初由 needle 发布
[B]Argument48:
The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.
'Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the ..

以下省略...... [/B]

逻辑渐进的攻击结构挺好的，看来我要好好学习一下 :D

<ahref="callto://wing_sky"><imgsrc="http://goodies.skype.com/graphics/skypeme_btn_green.gif"border="0"></a>

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needle
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发表于 2004-8-21 01:58:22 |显示全部楼层

sorry, imong，今天才有时间改出来。

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DouFu
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发表于 2004-8-21 03:08:42 |显示全部楼层

关于本题有两点疑问，也算是建议，和大家讨论吧

第一，我觉得关于computer的错误，除了拥有不代表使用以外，作者还有一个错误，就是横比和纵比的问题。我感觉要想说明电脑影响健康，就要说明有电脑之前和之后本地的健康差异，而不是和其他地区比较，因为地区间的健康水平本身就不同（也可以算一个他因）

第二，题目最后一句话说经济是cause，指的是消费少的原因呢，还是影响健康的原因呢？我感觉从题目直接来看是指前者。如果是这样，那么作者B4前半段的观点好像就应该分两层了，其一是经济衰退不是消费少原因，很可能大家不喜欢花钱在这上，其二就是作者说的进一步说消费少影响不到健康，如可以跑步（其实按我那样理解这个其二是可以不说的，说这个纯粹是为证下一步经济复苏会improve健康作铺垫的）

希望说明白我的意思了，其实除了cause的疑问，其他needle说的都挺到位的了，还是限时，值得学习，我这些只是想力求完美
我的观点欢迎大家反驳吧

小小的梦想
唯一的只有等待
想要展翅高飞的冲动
你可否明白

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needle
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发表于 2004-8-21 03:28:08 |显示全部楼层

最初由 DouFu 发布
[B]第一，我觉得关于computer的错误，除了拥有不代表使用以外，作者还有一个错误，就是横比和纵比的问题。我感觉要想说明电脑影响健康，就要说明有电脑之前和之后本地的健康差异，而不是和其他地区比较，因为地区间的健康水平本身就不同（也可以算一个他因）[/B]

呵呵，地区问题，看一下第6楼我的回复。一开始我的body1写的就是地区差异，后来才发现argument的background已经局限了就是在the country of Corpara。通篇argument都是在country范围内讨论的，所以不存在地区问题。

最初由 DouFu 发布
[B]第二，题目最后一句话说经济是cause，指的是消费少的原因呢，还是影响健康的原因呢？我感觉从题目直接来看是指前者。如果是这样，那么作者B4前半段的观点好像就应该分两层了，其一是经济衰退不是消费少原因，很可能大家不喜欢花钱在这上，其二就是作者说的进一步说消费少影响不到健康，如可以跑步（其实按我那样理解这个其二是可以不说的，说这个纯粹是为证下一步经济复苏会improve健康作铺垫的）
[/B]

来看一下原文：
it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does.

注意到instead前后了吗？instead之前说的是健康下降的罪因，那么之后说的决不会是消费少的罪因，因为A instead B，二者必然是等同的。题目还是很友好的，怕有误会，还特意缀了最后一句话，指明了fitness和economy之间的关系。

我个人觉得cause还是指得很清楚，是fitness下降的罪因。:)
楼上不妨再想想看。

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