[习作点评] 【跪求帮评】计时写的第一篇argument，求修改，求指导如何更好利用时间 [复制链接]

ws7196
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电梯直达

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发表于 2017-8-21 16:32:39 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

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本帖最后由 ws7196 于 2017-8-24 20:24 编辑

A group of developers proposes opening a jazz club in Monroe based on their arguments that the new C Note jazz club can enjoy the market exclusively and that jazz is highly popular in Monroe. They further draw upon the great amount of money jazz fans spend on corresponding entertainment. However, several questions need to be answered to form a more comprehensive understanding of the likelihood that the proposal will result in success.

To begin with, we need to cast doubt on why no jazz club exists in the city of Monroe. Perhaps it is because jazz clubs are not likely to profit in Monroe. Even though C Note becomes the only one in the city, people who really go there may not form a large market. Perhaps a reliable survey on the citizens’ desire for a jazz club is needed to better address the problem. Before it becomes established that a jazz club is desirable for the inhabitants and the population is large enough for C Note to profit, it is too soon to draw the conclusion that Monroe is a wonderful site for new business.

The evidence developers provide for the popularity of jazz in Monroe is also insufficient. The huge number of people who attend the festival last summer may mainly consist of fans who lived in other cities and were attracted to come for the festival. More details are needed to shed light on the makeup of the audience. Do they live in Monroe? Are they real jazz fans or do they simply drop by? Likewise, jazz musicians may choose to live in Monroe for other reasons. Maybe despite their great fame, these musicians are all old and retired and come to Monroe for its natural beauty or nice weather. The choice of place for dwelling does not merely depend on personal careers. Many other factors can be involved. In addition, the high rating received by the radio program may come from other factors than the general appreciation of jazz. We need more information about whether it is, for example, broadcast in dinner time, during which people generally have a better mood and mistake the mood for their enjoyment of the program. Also, it is possible that other programs possess such a terrible quality that any mediocre but acceptable program can win the highest-rate.

The success of a jazz club also depends on how much a consumer is willing to spend. The developers base their optimism on the result of nationwide study. Yet many details are missing. Are the people included in the study dwellers of metropolitans who tend to be comparatively wealthy? Is jazz fans in the study defined as people who spend a lot on jazz, therefore begging the questions. Without further scrutiny, the result of a single study may not be credible.

In conclusion, a lot of questions should be addressed properly to make sure a new jazz club will be successful. The evidence provided by the developers is merely preliminary.

感觉自己写的太绕啦，不够简洁，逻辑还没搞清，到最后都没时间好好写了。。。。至于语言。。根本没时间考虑啊

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ws7196
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沙发

发表于 2017-8-24 22:39:27 |只看该作者

新写了第二篇，这篇没有限定时间，写了快一个小时（太慢了，呜呜），求大家同帮忙看一看呀～如果可以的话，我在考虑修改修改做成自己的模版呢～
The editor of the Balmer Island Gazatte suggests that, considering the growing population in summer, the moped rentals should be reduced to ensure safety on the island. He draws upon the success of the policy on a nearby island to support his argument. However, the information he gives does not provide sufficient proof for both the necessity and effectiveness of this recommended policy.

Without informing readers of any details concerning summertime accidents on Blamer Island, the author fails to indicate why the reduction of accidents is so urgent and why a decrease in the number of mopeds helps to prevent them. Assuming groundlessly that more mopeds lead to more accidents is unreasonable, since there can be many other factors involved. It is even conceivable that some accidents could have resulted from the lack of mopeds. Considering the possibility that the pavements are very narrow, insufficiency in the mopeds available may force pedestrians to walk on what is supposed to be a cycling lane, causing moped-riders to unintentionally crash into them. If this is the case, the suggestion of the editor may deteriorate the situation even further. To reduce accident rate, more specific data of past incidents are needed for better judgment.

Even if the measure is capable of making the island safer to some extent, it is still doubtful whether the safety issue should be the priority. Perhaps the accident rate is already very low, which makes the measure too overreacting. Perhaps there are better solutions such as better maintenance of roads and better safety instructions. Furthermore, the recommendation is likely to yield unnecessary drawbacks, including a decrease in popularity among tourists because the cycling facilities fail to meet the need. Probably, it is not because of improvement in security, but because of the tourist loss, that accidents were reduced to half on the island of Torseau. The city council should give a second thought and weigh the costs and benefits before adopting the the same policy as Torseau.

Apart from the loss of tourists, what happened on the island of Torseau could be attributable to various reasons, such as an especially benign weather without storms and lightning, visitors taking more precaution because of the covering of past accidents in the news, and better road condition resulted from an infrastructure update. The assumption that the cases of Torseau and Balmer are comparable is not reliable as well. Two nearby islands can have distinct geographical features as well as differences in the makeup of visitors, the number of safety signs and various kinds of facilities. Assuming an effective policy for one place can be copied to another and yield an equally successful result is unrealistic even when disregarding the possibility that the original policy may not prove to be so successful as the editor implies.

In a nutshell, the proposal from the editor is based upon scant evidence and unwarranted assumptions. If the city council is to consider the policy, a deeper investigation into the safety condition on both islands is indispensable. So is weighing the relative effectiveness of various safety-maintaining strategies.

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