[经典批改讨论] 针对issue典型错误来练练挑刺+引以为戒 22楼新增issue7---终于开窍了 [复制链接]

plumsmoon
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17楼

发表于 2006-8-28 21:45:25 |只看该作者

有幸见到 imong出手，真是荣幸

从头再来 10.26 iBT

rutee
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18楼

发表于 2006-8-28 21:57:56 |只看该作者

原帖由 li_siq 于 2006-8-28 10:32 发表
重出江湖???膜拜ING~~~~
IMONG什么长相的??为什么这么多人喜欢他??

因为他很牛
看他的追星剑特训
就知道为什么了

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19楼

发表于 2006-8-31 10:24:50 |只看该作者

101."At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that many species' extinctions were result（were results / resulted from） from natural processes in the geological past, rather than human destructions. Actually,（删掉actually） however, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that society does not have to cost huge money and （huge修饰money还可以后面的job可就没法继续挂了这样并列一读就味道不对。典型错误） jobs to preserve endangered species, while（while用的不对。前后两个分句是构成浅让步或者并列的关系吗？明明是因果关系。） ignoring certain compelling circumstances that people have to make endeavors to save the disappearing species. In my point of view, there are more species disappeared result from（disappeared result from错，自己改。把主谓宾自己挑出来看看到底谁和谁在搭配 --> 是要写species result from human还是disappearance result from human？） human than nature nowadays, and （并列关系？）people become dependent on some of the species.（这句话写得非常糟糕） Thus, people still need to make great efforts in preserving some of the special species.

Admittedly, in the past, natural processes had made many species extinct without any efforts（用词不当） from human, and humanity（用词错） does not has the ability to fight against the mother nature to save them, for instance, dinosaur.（恐龙时代有活人么？） Thousands of years ago, when earth is under the control of （by?）dinosaur, human had not even finished（？） its own evolution. For another thing, dinosaur can not fit today's world.（啥意思？） Hence society should rarely, if ever, make great efforts to revive the species that had been disposed by nature.

However, people have to take the responsibilities of most of the species extinct nowadays, for human destructions（？） such as pollution, deforestations and abuse of hunting had made huge damages to the bio-sphere, which directly leads to the extinction of many species. For example, the Tibet Goat——an amazing creature which can live in the place 4000 meters higher than（higher than --> above） sea level——had been hunted by some crucial（？？？） people without limitation（？打问号的词自己查一下字典再确定到底是什么意思）. The quantity（of what? Should be “Its population” etc） had decreased 90 percent in 10 years, and was going to extinct. Those creatures like Tibet goat which are disappeared（？？？） because human society's destroy（？）, should be preserved despite of enormous efforts, for all the creatures living in the world are equal.（最终原因在此？为什么全篇的重点篇幅不给这里如果把这一点作为论据？）

On the other hand, even if some species, which are already co-exist（are already co-exist?） with human, are not extinct result（？？？） from human behaviors, we still have to preserve them for human's living. A significance case is the bird-flu which is largely spread in 2004. Though millions of ill chickens（chicken好像本身就是复数？） are killed everyday, scientist are still trying to produce vaccines to save people and chickens. As one of the staple（？） foods in many countries, chicken is a vital creature to maintain people's life. As a consequence, although killing might help refrain the contagious virus, human society did put extraordinary efforts to save chickens. In one word, human society has to save some species no matter how difficult it is, for human could not live in the world without them. （The topic states that it’s no need for people to save endangered species purposefully. Are, and if so, how are the chicken endangered?）

All in all, the speaker failed to consider that human destructions have already lead to some nature disasters which made the average extinction in the world reaches 4 species everyday. Insofar as some endangered species are not decreased（？） by human, people still have to save them for our own living.

几篇下来基本没任何改观...以后不贴了...

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20楼

发表于 2006-8-31 10:42:31 |只看该作者

3篇文章基本上都是同样的问题。彼此之间没有什么太大改观。

我觉得如果后面的文章还都是这个样子重复劳动也没有必要了。

就好比前两篇没必要看到结尾一样

除了我说的阅读你可以自己再把自己写过的文章重新梳理一遍

把评语犯的错误横向总结一遍看看都是哪些问题反反复复的出现

然后下一次不要再犯错

最基本的：搭配错用词错。

搭配错给判卷人造成的第一直观印象就是作者不会写英文句子 --> 最基本的主谓宾不搭配。

拿中文你肯定会说我用筷子吃饭

写成英文就变成了我吃筷子是饭。

你看看这3篇文章我给你标出来的几个句子是不是都是这么个道理。

其实很简单。写单个句子的时候整个思路要清晰不要想到哪个词就蹦哪个词。

句子要过脑子对枝干要素敏感。

基本的句子构架不起来很难评点文章所谓思想性立意结构之类的东西。

用词错太多的词不达意从不地道到不知所云

这个没有太多技巧。靠阅读和模仿要积累。

短时间内迅速突破并非手到擒来的简单

但很多时候很多东西就是一层窗户纸的

这一点我看过这么多文章非常有体会

下一篇文章希望可以能有所改观。

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21楼

发表于 2006-8-31 11:45:16 |只看该作者

辛苦了^_^

How to Eat Fried Worms?

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22楼

发表于 2006-9-11 01:29:18 |只看该作者

Issue 7 "The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that the position of video record in documentation is rising nowadays. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that the position of written records is going to be surpassed by video document, while ignoring certain compelling facts that video documentary has certain inherent limitations comparing to written record, and that written record still has its significant status in today's world. Thus, the speaker overestimated the significance of video as a documentary tool.

（这次不错。开头几句话看下来没有让人立刻抓狂的错误。两个小细节：significant status改成significance，因为status在这里不好。另外把最后一句话的Thus去掉，改成The speaker, in general, overestimated… 虽然不是绝对但是第一段里面一般是比较忌讳随便用thus和therefore的。注意我说的是随便用。整体都在总领全文的情况下你的第一段里没有什么可以用thus/therefore来收束的论证然后最后不明不白thus一下这样一来结构性的关键字用串整体结构效果会大打折扣。把这两个地方改了基本开头就是中规中矩的水平了。）

Admittedly, for the purpose of documenting temporal and spatial events and experiences, video records are more accurate and convincing than written records. A diary entry would never "replay" those life events such as wedding, get-together, or surprise birthday party as exactly and objectively as a video record（不搭配最后这里拉下了can do。这样的并列结构里副词怎么可能对应后面的名词来修饰呢? 所以明显是拉下动词了）. And it is also impossible for anyone to detail seminal events like Olympic Games, festival celebrations, or international conferences, no matter how keen an observer（同样的问题如果不换写法就是后面拉下了动词： how good one can be） or skilled a journalist. Therefore, in those respects when moving images are central to an event, the video camera is superior to the written word. （平淡无味论证一般但是比以前几篇有明显进步。）

Nonetheless, in certain other circumstances written records are advantageous to and more appropriate than video documentaries. For example, though video camera can records（can record？基本错误） the accurate spatial and temporal events and experiences, there is no possibility that it can record a person's thoughts, impressions, or reflections of the event or experience.（一般reflection接on. 如果这里耍酷的话可以写成thoughts of, impression by, and reflection on这样的并列。） To the extent that personal comprehension adds dimension（？） and valuation to the record, written documentation is actually more important than video.（所谓论证薄弱体现在这里：这句话是这一段的最核心论据却只提到不展开。） Furthermore, video is of no use in documenting statistical or quantitative（or quantitative删） information like the number of the audience, the gross of the trade, and so forth.（同理以上。）

Moreover, when it comes to certain legal matters（issues）, video documents can not substitute written records. Conceding that video documentaries can play a vital evidentiary role in legal proceedings（processes）, such as robbery, drug trafficking（？）, motor vehicle violations, and even malpractice in a hospital operating room（medical operations）, no one would choose to videotape a complex contractual agreement（？）, or the establishment of a trust. Experience tells us that written record is the most authentic document in today's world, and that no other documentary tools can substitute it right now.（这段内容基本没有讲清楚要/在干什么）

To sum up, the speaker's claim overstates the significance of video records to some extent. The speaker failed to concern（？account for？） those conditions when video documentaries cannot supersede written records. In spite of certain substitutions（？） between（？重写前半句。Substitute一般用of A by B, 而且这里substitute冒的也太突然了点。） written and video records, written records' importance as a record implement did not decreased（后半句同样基本错误自己查。）

（这篇已经开窍了。离真正写好还有一段距离悟明白了就一层窗户纸的事儿。）

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23楼

发表于 2006-9-11 01:31:16 |只看该作者

很容易看得出来进步在哪里了吧。

供各位借鉴下。

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24楼

发表于 2006-9-11 02:41:58 |只看该作者

154. "Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that education is so important that it can not be entirely controlled（非常冲得用词不当。） by professional educators, and that parents and communities should be involved in the local school to strengthen the efforts of a balanced education. However, in my view, most parents have no specialized skills to educate their child on their own. Thus, professional educators still are the leaders in a child's education.（立意不明。这下子被自己模版给套死了吧。假如要最终落脚在强调professional educator才是王道的话最开始就别老I agree with the broad assertion了，就好比来个To certain extent it does hold true that不行么？）

Admittedly, parents should take part in the child's education, for they are the ones who have the authority and the responsibility to make major decisions for the child. Also, in most families, it is parents who spend most of their times with the child. Therefore, they are the first choice for the child to rely on, also with the help from parents and the family can （who can? 写着写着把分句主语晕丢了？）significantly improve the educational efforts to the child. On the other hand, if parents are not that concentrate （concentrated?） on their child, then the communities may have to undertake the responsibility, which has to do with the next generation, to cooperate with local schools. There are many examples like after-class activities charged（由community负责收费？） by the community, inviting parents to the class learning with their child, and more frequently, the parents meeting, all of which proved a better effect to the child's education.

Nevertheless, parents and communities can only take a secondary position during the process of（the process of 删） a child's education. The first reason is that few parents had received（acquired. 类似的单词改动和之前的评语里一样用心体会下单词间的差异） sufficient specialized training on education, though most of them might think they had after gone through formal education themselves. Most parents lack the ability to appreciate what（which?） pedagogical methods are most effective, what constitutes a balanced education, how developmental psychology affects a child's capacity for learning at different levels and at different stages of childhood. Yet professional educators, by virtue of their specialized training in these areas, are far better able to ensure that a child receives a balanced and properly paced education.

Another reason is that most parents would place many subjective ideas into the education process, which can have detrimental consequences to the child. For instance, many parents try to overcome their own shortcomings and failed （unrealized？） self-expectations by the substitution of （?）their children's accomplishments. Under this emotion, how could the parents provide a balanced and properly education to the child? Besides, most parents do not have the ability to scheme a long-term plan for their child, while professional educators have enough empirical examples to help.

To sum up, though parents might seem better motivated to educate the child, a balanced and properly paced education can not be lack of the professional educators. In my point of view, it is necessary for parents and communities to take part in the education process of the child; however, they can only take a subsidiary role for they are short of specialized information.
（表词达意仍然是瑕疵不断不过加起前一篇的表现已经和最初有一个层次的提高了。
这篇文章问题主要在于立意不清论证混乱基本不是很知所云。
看一下相关的文章/经验怎样构架一个有力的论证。）

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