[经典批改讨论] Issue121 [5-UP] 第八次作业 by RayTong [复制链接]

RayTong
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发表于 2007-6-9 01:46:40 |显示全部楼层

虽然只有2个body,虽然只有500出头的字数,虽然段内论证还有些许缺陷,但本文的审题却是非常到位,强于我看到的很多700+的文章.题目对于当今情况的结论的一个关键前提是史上很多物种灭绝并非人类导致,很多筒子在驳斥作者thus后面的内容的时候根本就无视thus前面的内容.这是明显的审题不准. RayTong, good job!
                                                                                          ----by iq28

TOPIC: ISSUE121 - "At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species."
分析：
1．       自然界却有适者生存，物竞天泽的道理，但这并不影响生态平衡，而人们的出现很大程度上加快了物种的灭绝，破坏了食物链。
2．       生态系统稳定的重要性
WORDS: 525       TIME: 01:30:00       DATE: 2007-6-9 1:16:17

As the problem of ecological becoming more serious, there is much controversy over the issue of whether society should make extraordinary efforts to save endangered species. Somebody claims that we do not have to spend a great cost in money and jobs to do that result from that at various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct because of natural. However, I do not agree this argument.

Indeed, there are certain species would become extraordinary that is not relevant to human beings, however, which cannot be the excuse for society to shirk the responsibility to protect them. The Darwin's theory of evolution tells us that only the species which suit for the natural will live in the society. And there is also a saying in China that the fittest survive. To balance the ecological, natural itself will choose the best species that is useful, which will not destroy the biological system. However, since the human beings appeared, especially as the contemporary society developing, the extinction of the species is accelerated. This acceleration makes seriously influence on the natural, and destroys the balance of the geological. There is a mass of data showing that how many species disappeared every year, every day, every hour, even every second, which makes people extremely amazed. In recent years, the largest animal in the world--whale is catched and killed at a big quantity which used to making the whale oil and produce food for people's pets. As a result from human being's vanity and desire, many precious species are going to extinct. Undoubtedly, human being should be responsible for the destroys on the natural.

Additionally, keeping the balance of the geological system is important for human beings to live in the natural. We know that there are innumerable chains of biology in the geological, and human beings are one species in one of the chains. Every minute, we are absorbing energy from natural. Our foods come from different other species. Now the species are disappearing so fast that it is very impossible that the next species which extinct is the most important food source of human beings. Moreover, our body is benefit from innumerable ecological beings. Sometimes, certain boring insects (such as the mosquito, fly and so forth) are likely to have no benefit for us, and we must believe that we will live better if the mosquito all over the word disappeared. However, there will be a great number of antibodies that are poured into the human beings' body as a result from the mosquito biting us which increase our immunity from diseases. Then, spend a cost in money and a job to save endangered species is our responsibility.

In summary, besides human beings, every species in the natural are all equally. We are advance just on the intellect and emotion. We have no right to destroy other species. If we do that, we will be punished by the natural. So we should make our best efforts, no matter how great cost in money and jobs we have to pay, to save endangered species because the development of human beings accelerates the extinction of species.

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-6-18 15:54 编辑 ]

趁着年轻瞎折腾。。

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木耳
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发表于 2007-6-9 06:14:54 |显示全部楼层

好久没改论文了，英语也退步了不少...
看了一遍，觉得写得很不错。逻辑上不错，遣词造句也没什么问题。以这样的水平去考试应该是不用担心了。就是时间略显长了些。

看了这篇的题目，我觉得这个更像是一个argument而不是issue，而且我对这个题目没什么印象。也难怪，几年过去，题库也应该换过好几次了吧！

几个小问题：
1 注意题目中的几个词：extraordinary efforts，a great cost in money and jobs
这个是在强调不是一般的努力，而是极其努力的，尽全力的。楼住在这方面强调的似乎不很够，文章给人的感觉不够“狠”。

2 是不是该用nature而不是natural？

3 有一些地方该用形容词的地方用了副词：seriously influence，every species in the natural are all equally。似乎哈有一些小的语法错误，一时找不到了。

加油！

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liuyan20000308
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发表于 2007-6-10 22:07:37 |显示全部楼层

斑竹说得很好了，我只能挑点小毛病:(

As the problem of ecological becoming more serious, there is much controversy over the issue of whether society should make extraordinary efforts to save endangered species. Somebody claims that we do not have to spend a great cost in money and jobs to do that result:confused: from that :confused: at various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct because of natural. However, I do not agree this argument.建议直陈观点，如果能在第一段列出自己的几个要点，后面各段展开，可能更有力度。我还是主张开门见山，虽然我目前也存在这个问题。呵呵。

Indeed, there are certain species would become extraordinary词义含糊，建议换用其他词汇 that is not relevant to human beings, however, which cannot be the excuse for society to shirk the responsibility to protect them. 太好了！The Darwin's theory of evolution tells us that only the species which suit for the natural will live in the society. And there is also a saying in China that the fittest survive. To balance the ecological, natural 都应用名词形式itself will choose the best species that is useful, which 是修饰BEST SPECISES的吗？如果是，合并同类项：把USEFUL加进去。否则很混乱。will not destroy the biological system. However, since the human beings appeared, especially as the contemporary society developing, the extinction of the species is accelerated（has been accelerating效果更好）. This acceleration makes seriously用形容词 influence on the natural, and destroys the balance of the geological. There is a mass of data showing that how many species disappeared every year, every day, every hour, even every second, which makes people extremely amazed.为什么这样保守？如果能找到比较权威的数据来说话，我还是建议使用。 In recent years, the largest animal in the world--whale is catched and killed at a big quantity which used to making the whale oil and produce food for people's pets.后果是什么？有什么危险？如果陈述出来更加有力。As a result from human being's vanity and desire, many precious species are going to extinct. Undoubtedly, human being should be responsible for the destroys on the natural.

Additionally, keeping the balance of the geological system is important for human beings to live in the natural. We know that there are innumerable chains of biology in the geological, and human beings are one species in one of the chains. Every minute, we are absorbing energy from natural. Our foods come from different other species. Now the species are disappearing so fast that it is very impossible:confused: that the next species which extinct is the most important food source of human beings. Moreover, our body is benefit from innumerable ecological beings. Sometimes, certain boring insects (such as the mosquito, fly and so forth) are likely to have no benefit for us, and we must believe that we will live better if the mosquito all over the word disappeared. However, there will be a great number of antibodies that are poured into the human beings' body as a result from the mosquito biting us which increase our immunity from diseases. Then, spend a cost in money and a job to save endangered species is our responsibility.蚊子、苍蝇的例子很活泼，但是总的来看这一段和主题句：生态平衡的重要性还是有距离的。

In summary, besides human beings, every species in the natural are all equally形容词即可. We are advanced just on the intellect(intelligence) and emotion. We have no right to destroy other species. If we do that, we will be punished by the natural. So we should make our best efforts, no matter how great cost in money and jobs we have to pay, to save endangered species because the development of human beings accelerates the extinction of species.结尾还好，还是力度的问题！

虽然我自己写得还不如你，但是我在评论文章的时候似乎还是要求相当高的。我觉得这可能是我们努力的方向。仅供参考哈。

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