求Romanus改作文

shendaisy0702UID：3323820

谢谢Romanus，以下是作文。

Do you agree with the following statement: the fast development of society today is a positive trend. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.

Marvelous as it looks at first sight, fast development of society brings many extraordinary changes to us in many aspects – physically, technologically, and culturally; however, it also has clear disadvantage. So I hardly conceded with the idea that the fast development of society today is a positive trend.

First of all, one thing we feel about the fast development of society is that the high technology, as an outstanding feature of the fast development or regarded as the innovation of nowadays society, brings our daily life many convenient and interesting tools. Those tools, including mobile phones, laptops, GPS and so forth, provides us hundreds of useful applications and features to make our daily life easier. However, with these undeniable conveniences, the fast development of society also plays a negative role in our life, or even worsens our life quality.

The fast pace of the development, proportional to high pressure and fast work pace, is latently harmful to workers’ health condition. As a recent research shows that young workers, compared to other ages, tend to work virtually over 12 hours without any rest to get higher salary or promotion. This fast work pace not only requires a steady mental determination, but in most cases also the physically strength. John, one of my cousins, working as an architect in a top-rated design company, was complaining to me that he has to work about 13 hours a day and spends only ten minutes for lunch since their design projects are always due in a fairly short time. According to this case, we can see fast development leads to a high-pressure work style, which spread widely in the society nowadays. This disadvantage may cause workers’ physically unhealthy, or even karoshi – sudden death from high work pressure.

Also, the fast development of society gives us less space to enjoy life with our family or friends. With long working hours and less break time, family members have less time to stay together. An illustrating example is my experience - when I was in high school, my parents worked over-time in their companies, and I was busy doing my own homework when they got back. So we didn’t really have time to communicate with each other more than basic conversations. In addition, modern technology propel the Internet development, however, friends’ relationships are also limited by these high-tech tools since people now are rather talking online than face-to-face communications.

Though the fast development of the society provides us an easier and efficient life, it also inevitably worsens our life quality, so the development actually took a negative trend in our society.

写第二段，也就是开头段的后面一段，写了fast development的好处，之后再写坏处，总体是坏处胜过好处，这样写是否会给人混淆的感觉啊？

mpromanusUID：2565872

Do you agree with the following statement: the fast development of society today is a positive trend. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.

Marvelous as it looks at first sight, the fast development of society brings many extraordinary changes to us in many aspects – physically, technologically, and culturally; however, it also has clear disadvantages. So I hardly conceded with the idea that the fast development of society today is a positive trend.

First of all, one thing we feel about the fast development of society is that the high technology ('high technology' is usually used with other nouns like an adjectival phrase, e.g. 'the high technology sector'..so I personally prefer 'advanced technology/technologies'.), as an outstanding feature of the fast development or regarded as the innovation of the society nowadays society, brings to our daily life many conveniences and interesting tools. Those tools, including mobile phones, laptops, GPS and so forth, provides us hundreds of useful applications and features to make our daily life easier (This is repetitive of the previous mention of 'many conveniences' but is not really specific because you simply repeated 'make our life easier' without specifying how exactly each of these tools makes our life easier.). However, with these undeniable conveniences, the fast development of society also plays a negative role in our life, or even worsens our life quality.(If this is meant to be a 让步段, it is 1. rather limited to technologies and tools, and not covering enough of other aspects of 'development'; 2. my personal preferred structure is to put the 让步 as the 2nd last paragraph i.e. before conclusion, so that if you run out of time during the actual test, you can finish off the essay with 2 proper paragraphs for your point instead of only 1. Also, this is not a really a strong 让步 because you talk about the opponent view without properly refuting it, so you end up saying 'the other point is thus and thus, but my point is this and this' – this is not persuasive since you are simply describing both sides of the argument. To be persuasive, you need to refute or counter your opponent's view. You need to say either 'the other point is thus and thus, but it is wrong in thus and thus way, so it is not a valid point', or 'the other point is thus and thus, and it is a valid point, but my point is this and this and it is more valid/proper/powerful than the other point because of this and this'.)

The fast pace of the development, proportional to high pressure and fast work pace, is latently harmful to workers’ health condition. As a recent research shows that young workers, compared to other ages, tend to work virtually over 12 hours without any rest to get higher salaries or promotions. This fast work pace not only requires a steady mental determination, but in most cases also the physically strength. John, one of my cousins, working as an architect in a top-rated design company (Architects, etc. usually work in design firms. They are companies but tend to be called 'firms'.), was complaining to me that he has to work about 13 hours a day and spends only ten minutes for lunch since their design projects are always due in a fairly short time. According to this case, we can see fast development leads to a high-pressure work style (I can't see how 'fast development' is related to the pressure in work in this particular case. In the times of the pharaohs, Egyptians were pressured to work non-stop to build those magnificent pyramids – but I doubt you'd say their society develops as rapidly as ours if your definition of this 'fast development' is signified by advanced technologies and gadgets.), which spreads widely in the society nowadays. This disadvantage may cause workers’ physically unhealthiness (cause + noun. Or, you could just say 'cause workers to be physically unhealthy'.), or even karoshi – sudden death from high work pressure.

Also, the fast development of society gives us less space to enjoy life with our family or friends. With long working hours and less break time, family members have less time to stay together. (What if you have your own small company and work in a home office, surrounded by your children? There are actually quite many of such small home-based businesses in the States. Are you assuming what you know about work/life is the norm across the globe? Why? Think about it :)) An illustrating example is my experience - when I was in high school, my parents worked over-time in their companies, and I was busy doing my own homework when they got back. So we didn’t really have time to communicate with each other more than basic conversations. In addition, modern technology propel the Internet development, however, friends’ relationships are also limited by these high-tech tools since people now are rather talking online than in face-to-face communications. (Again, I don't see how 'fast development of society' features in your example. You never explicitly state that your parents needed to work overtime because of some kind of fast development in the economy..you simply assumed that this is the obvious.)

Though the fast development of the society provides us an easier and efficient life, it also inevitably worsens our life quality, so the development actually took a negative trend in our society.

总结：

词汇很好，语法上请注意第三人称单数。。尤其在长句中，经常绕着绕着就能把自己绕糊涂了，所以请特别注意。

论述 – 文中的评语已经指出了，你的例子中都只说明了工作忙啊神马神马的不好，但是没有挑明这个工作忙啊神马神马的是由fast development神马神马造成的。。所以你的例子只有一半有力 :)

> 写第二段，也就是开头段的后面一段，写了fast development的好处，之后再写坏处，总体是坏处胜过好处，这样写是否会给人混淆的感觉啊？

请参见文中的评语。总之来说就是你现在这样写了，罗列反面观点，这对证明你的观点没有帮助。。你要么证明反面观点是错误的，要么证明你的观点比反面观点更好更正确更有力。。否则让步是米有用的哦~

shendaisy0702UID：3323820

mpromanus 发表于 2012-6-29 00:55
Do you agree with the following statement: the fast development of society today is a positive trend ...

谢谢Romanus. 已经详细读了改后的文章，标识很清晰，会把建议纳入到以后的写作中。:D