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[主题活动] [每日一评] Issue203 By Child -- 论述应当注意连接词使用 [复制链接]

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寄托21周年 荣誉版主 Golden Apple 版务能手 寄托兑换店纪念章 EU Advisor AW小组活动奖 GRE守护之星 Cancer巨蟹座 德意志之心 AW作文修改奖 AW活动特殊奖 GRE斩浪之魂 GRE梦想之帆 23周年庆勋章

发表于 2010-2-5 13:41:49 |显示全部楼层
本期的每日一评来自Child童鞋,原文链接:https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1056609-1-1.html

Issue 203: the best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes and heroines.

The speaker claims understanding of the portraits of a society can be largely achieved by knowing the characters of its heroes and heroines. While I concede that sometimes the characters of the heroes (and heroines,还是说完吧,小心碰到美国女权主义者给你改作文咩=.=)of a society do reflect the characters of itself, in more situations(一般不说in more situations吧,看到滴都是...with more situations or give more situations,你想表达在很多种情况下的意思咩?in more cases比较好吧..), the characters of the heroes (and heroines)are what the society lakes(lacks吧..) and therefore values.

这段写得中规中矩吧,开头的portraits of a society用得赞,而后只是将题目原文改述一次,其实简述就好了,你倒是把句子越变越长,然后你才提出自己观点。I concede that sometimes看上去就是部分赞成的做法,但是in more cases之后,提出的最后一句却是反对的说法,提出英雄的特质是社会缺乏的所以才称赞这个观点,觉得这两点之间缺少一点的逻辑连接词。是否需要一个However咩。

Sometimes, the characters of the heroes and heroines indeed reflect the characters of a society.(TS之后,直接用两种分类举例,说的是某一现象,是否需要有逻辑词链接一下咩? )The(这个特指是特质什么涅?) people who are brave and adventurous are more readily picked up as heroes in a invasive and aggressive society; and(分号和and的作用是一样的,舍一) people who are reflective and have deep and incisive thoughts are likely to be treated as heroes in a knowledgeable society. (你这里算是分情况讨论了,但是你TS里的sometimes难道只有这两种情况咩?社会仅仅分为invasive and aggressive society and knowledgeable society而没有其他的社会形式出现咩?未免片面,所以不建议TS之后直接说这一现象,因为片面不代表全面。合适的逻辑词可以帮你避免这样的分歧。)For example, in America, where individualism is highly valued and is a main character of the society, people are chosen as heroes (and heroines)because they have leadership(是否应该是quaility/character of leadership?) and can lead Americans to fight for their freedom. Such heroes range from George Washington to Lincoln. On the contrary, in countries like China and Japan, where collectivism characterizes the society, those people chosen as heroes are modest, and sacrifice for the whole society.(时态有误,换成:those who were chosen as heroes (were) modest, and sacrificed for the whole society In this way, people can understand the character of the society by looking at the characters of its heroes.

However, in more circumstances, the heroes and heroines are picked up because they have the characters that the society lacks, therefore, to examine their characters helps little to understand the characters of the society. To understand this, one need(needs) to look no further than(虽然我google到了look的用法,但还是建议换成see,see no future than 似乎用得更多一点) the following example. Several months ago, three university students in China lost their precious and young life to safe a drowning boy. After the accident, people are moved and touched by their selfless action, which the society lacks these days.(社会缺少的行为就能被人们所moved and touched?你是否应该加一些逻辑限定词呢?) They are respected as heroes because the society lacks characters like sacrificing and helping others.(你这里明显前后逻辑矛盾啊,你上一段提到sacrificed for the whole society是可以通过understand the character of the heros and heroines来understand the society,这里又变成了because the society lacks characters like this...你要不就把前一段的举例换掉,要不就把这个例子换掉,不然前后逻辑自我矛盾。) If their behaviors are repeated in the society, perhaps they won't be regarded as heroes.(这个句子应该是表猜测,为啥不用虚拟语气咧,if ... had been..., ...should have been...,当然,你不一定这么用,但你这句话有语法错误,还有还有,in the society是啥意思咧?嗯,最后,repeat表示的是重复一次,要是你想表示重复多次的意思的话,应该换成iterate) Therefore,(你这里的因此,是靠你之前的推断的出来的结论咩?那是不是换一个,在这种情况下这样子的连接词,感觉更严谨?) the heroes are usually chosen for their precious characters that are not common in the society, and if this is the case,(这个是啥米...) we cannot understand the characters of a society through the characters of its heroes and heroines.

Moreover, even if,(这里做插入语,前后都需要逗号) to examine the characters of the heroes is a good way to understand the portraits of the society, it is not the best way, because there are many other effective and good ways to understand the society.(it is a good way to..然后就是it is not the best way to..我暂且不说你这样的表达是否很Chinese-English,你这里的逻辑就已经大跳了啊,至少需要个but吧,当然,but也是远远不够的,你前后说的点都不一样,前面说的是understand the portraits of the society,后面说的却是effective,有效的理解和生动活跃理解也不是同一个问题吧,你自己将另外一个问题加到了你这个good but not best的逻辑里来,然后所有人都混乱了..) For example, the cultures and customs of the society are important indicators of its mental character. The life quality and habits, the communication efficiency and the city facilities are all significant demonstration of the physical characters of a society. Therefore, to understand the characters of a society, people need to look at different parts of it. Only(ONLY这样绝对化的词语尽量不要出现在AW的写作中,你没有足够的论据,你何以说Only呢?这不明显的逻辑漏洞么。你这里需要一个总结性的连接词就好。) in this way can we get a comprehensive idea of the whole city.

你这一段的论述,是想在两个观点里折中取一个,但是你在首段里并没有提到这一点吧。不过在如何抓住题目本质核心和合理推论上,也还是有很多不足的地方。你的逻辑推断和句法使用都有很严重的Chinese-English的倾向,没有合适逻辑词连接的一个逻辑跳跃到另外一个,rater看不懂的话,你的文章就成瞎编了,自然没有好印象。连接词用得好,即便你的文章有一些细微的逻辑谬误,不仔细挑的话,也不会出现太多问题,至少能做到,看上去,是正确的。

In sum, the characters of the heroes and heroines of a society sometimes do reflect the portraits of society, but in more cases, the characters of the heroes are what the society lack. So when people want to understand the society through knowing the characters of its heroes, they need to be careful and critical. The best way to understand the characters the characters of a society is to examine the different parts of it comprehensively.
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发表于 2010-2-5 13:44:43 |显示全部楼层
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发表于 2010-2-5 13:52:42 |显示全部楼层
谢谢版主~顶个~
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来顶fana~MUA~

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发表于 2010-2-5 14:06:23 |显示全部楼层
看完了,觉得确实有很多很多问题需要改进···你看我还有救吗···?
静水流深

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寄托21周年 荣誉版主 Golden Apple 版务能手 寄托兑换店纪念章 EU Advisor AW小组活动奖 GRE守护之星 Cancer巨蟹座 德意志之心 AW作文修改奖 AW活动特殊奖 GRE斩浪之魂 GRE梦想之帆 23周年庆勋章

发表于 2010-2-5 21:59:06 |显示全部楼层
看完了,觉得确实有很多很多问题需要改进···你看我还有救吗···?
hurongchild 发表于 2010-2-5 14:06



每个人都有无限进步的可能。
BTW,回答你一下,这样写,3分应该还是有的。
心大了,事情就小了。

如果受了伤就喊一声痛,
真的说出来就不会太难过。
不去想自由,
反而更轻松,
愿意感动孤独单不忐忑。
生活啊生活啊,
会快乐也会寂寞,
生活啊生活啊,
明天我们好好的过。

爱生活,爱寄托。
一直在这里。我爱你们。

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