官方范文精析系列之六-Best Ideas

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Issue官方范文精析系列汇总贴：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1075563-1-1.html

Issue test 6: Best Ideas
"The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things."

分析提示：
Thesis Statement&Topic Sentence
个人分析说明
逻辑连接词
精彩句子或短语
例子
精彩逻辑论证

SAMPLE-1 (score 6)
Even the most brilliant thinkers, from Socrates to Satre, live lives in time. A childhood, an adolescence, an adulthood（通过人的成长阶段简单地表明great thinkers live lives in time); these are common to me and you as well as the greatest writers. Furthermore, many of the great thinkers we esteem in our Western culture lived somewhat uneventful lives. What distinguished their life from say a common laborer was their work. Therefore, what provided the grist for their work? One might say that they were brilliant and this alone was sufficient to distinguish their lives from the masses. Intellect alone can not devise situations or thoughts from no where; there must be a basis and that basis is most common, if not always, observation of the common, of the quotidian（平凡的）. Critics of this idea may argue that these thinkers were products of fine educations and were well schooled in the classics. This, they may point to, is the real basis for their knowledge.（本文论证非常有力的一点：先提出了反面观点，即great writers是来自fine education，之后对此进行反驳，即great thinkers还是来自与commonplace） I would argue that although it may be a benefit to study classics and be well schooled in diverse disciplines, these pursuits merely refine and hone an ability each and every person has, the ability to study human nature. Where best to study human nature than in the day to day routine each one of us can witness in him or herself or those around us.

首段指出great thinkers live lives in time.并进行简单的论证，然后提出反面观点并进行反驳，更有力地论证全文观点。

（Official Commentary：
This essay sustains a well-focused and insightful analysis of the issue.Beginning with the observation that the greatest thinkers "live lives in time," the writer reasons that the great thinkers develop their ideas through observation of common occurrences and everyday reality.
One of the strengths of this essay is the way in which it thoughtfully considers the opposing claim: that great thinkers are primarily the product of fine education, and that, being "well schooled in the classics," they are far removed from everyday life. The writer notes that, while it "may be a benefit to study classics," it is nevertheless true that being "well schooled in diverse disciplines" will simply "refine and hone an ability to study human nature" in its everyday manifestations.This observation is indicative of the writer's sophisticated grasp of the complexities of the issue.）


I propose that the two best disciplines to understand this power of the commonplace and its ability to cause a groundswell of thought are philosophy and literature. Every school of philosophy, from the Greeks to our day（from...to是简单举例的经典短语）, share a common mission or intent and that is to understand and explain human existence, with all of its concomitant features. Generally speaking, the Greek philosophers, epitomized in Aristotle, attempted to set down rules for human behavior founded on logic. These rules applied not only to the rare forms of human behavior but largely focused on the more mundane motions of daily life. Many of Aristotle's rules were based on his observations of others as well as himself. Contrast this venture with the existentialists of our century who attempted to look behind the real motivations of human behavior as well understand man's relation to the Universe. To do this, what did these philosophers do? They studied those around them; they submerged themselves in the commonplace, in cities with hordes of anonymous people. While the existentialists, as well those philosophers before, exploited their uncommon education and intellect, the basis for their movement was ordinary human behavior and existence.（以while引导，呼应前面的critics说的反面观点，又一次反驳great thinkers的fine education不是他们great ideas的主要原因，这些great ideas的基础来自于ordinary human behavior.这体现了文章很强的logical connection)

第二段开始通过philosophy和literature两个例子来证明伟大的思想来自于commonplace。举了Aristotle的例子，又通过philosophers和existentialists的对比再次反驳了伟大思想来自fine education的观点，呼应前文，逻辑连贯，更好地证明了本文观点。

（Commentary：
The writer goes on to demonstrate the intellectual "power of the commonplace" by skillfully developing two compelling examples from academic life: philosophy and literature.Aristotle is cited as a philosopher who studied the "more mundane motions of daily life." Similarly, the writer explains, twentieth-century existentialists, in attempting to understand man's relation to the universe, found inspiration in the commonplace.

Another strength in this essay is the way it introduces an idea and then builds on that idea as the argument unfolds. For instance, in a discussion of the existentialists in the second paragraph, the writer expands on an earlier point about "thinkers" in general: the existentialists may have "exploited their uncommon education and intellect," but the "basis for their movement was ordinary human behavior and existence."
It is logical connections such as these that make for a coherent and well-focused discussion.）



Finally, literature is similar to philosophy in that it seeks to explain and understand human behavior and therefore rooted in the commonplace. Nevertheless, its relative strength over philosophy is literature's ability to emotionally and spiritually move the reader through the use of contrived situations and fictional characters. It can do this when even the central theme of a piece maybe love between a man and a woman (e.g. commonplace). Literature also distinguishes itself from philosophy in that the breadth of the fiction may be huge. The plot and the detail can be quite ordinary or fanatastic. However, this does not mean that the central themes of all literature, whether ordinary or fantastic, deal with human beings and the problems they find in the world, something which we all share.

In conclusion, I hope it has been shown that a passionate desire to understand and explain human behavior, the significance of our existence and deal constructively with the challenges of life are the centerpieces of at least in two of the most influential areas in human thought. What is more commonplace than the existence of man.


COMMENTARY

The writer uses language fluently and controls sophisticated syntax throughout the essay: "I would argue that although it may be a benefit to study classics and be well schooled in diverse disciplines, these pursuits merely refine and hone an ability each and every person has, the ability to study human nature."

This is not a flawless paper: word choice, for example, is not always precise. But the essay's cogent analysis, effective organization, and sophisticated sentence structure merit a solid score of 6.

文章思路：
本文先指出great thinkers live lives in time.简单通过任何人都要经历的成长过程(commonplace)论证后抛出了反面观点，即great thinkers来自于fine education和great intellect，然后对其进行反驳。之后通过philosophy和literature两个方面来证明伟大的思想来源于对发现human nature的渴望，来自于commonplace。philosophy用了Aritotle和existentialists的例子，literature用了love story等的例子跟philosophy进行比较。最后总结表明great ideas来自于commonplace，来自于对发现human nature的渴望。

写作启示：
有力论证的其中一个很好的方法就是先提出反面观点，然后进行有力反驳，并将这种逻辑思路贯穿全文。

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SAMPLE-2 (score 5)
I can agree with the statement above that, "The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things. "(很简单的Thesis Statement，尽量不要restate原题) The statement is an accurate description of how many people form great ideas from ordinary things in life. Sports are all great ideas that are made from commonplace things.（引领全文的例子，用sports来证明观点） What makes sports some of the best ideas is not what they began as but what they evolved into.

首段提出观点，并抛出sports的例子证明观点，一下子把文章的论证范围缩小到证明sports are all great ideas made from commonplace things.从这里可以看到issue在破题的时候有一个很重要的技巧就是通过普适性的例子来缩小论题。ETS给出的issue论题大都很宽泛，包罗万象，当你觉得很难从题干中的概念展开去论证的时候，可以通过定义、分类或举例等技巧缩小论证范围，把论证集中到一点，这样更有利于我们集中精力进行深入论证，防止泛泛而谈。比如本题6分范文把great ideas分philosophy&literature进行论证，这篇5分范文则直接把great ideas用sports这个例子来展开论证，大大缩小了论题范围，降低了深入论证的难度。

All athletic competitions began from commonplace things being brought together for the purpose of entertainment, excercise, and social interaction. Many of the sports people enjoy today are the results of someone's idea creating a new dimension of our lifestyle out of an ordinary object. Baseball, basketball, and track especially show that the idea of creating something wonderful out of ordinary objects is true.

从sports中举三个例子来证明观点，用一段文字来提示下文，这样写文章结构很清楚。

Who would have thought that a stick and a ball would spawn into a national pastime, a generational tie between father and son, , a national bond between all races, and a multibillion dollar industry. Baseball began when someone decided to throw a ball at someone with a stick and that person with the stick would then try to hit the ball. What a simple concept and what a wonderful consequence.

baseball:simple concept, wonderful consequence(great ideas).这里用几个简单的名词短语排比来论证baseball的流行性，即wonderful consequence，是可以学习的论证方法。

Today the simple game of baseball is played all over the world. It is a sport that crosses international divides of religion, race, and politics.（对baseball的流行性的意义进行了提升：促进不同文化间的交流） This one simple game, a bat hitting a ball, can bring the whole world together. But baseball is just one sport that shows the ability to bridge cultural gaps.（此句承上启下）

When Mr. Nesmith nailed a peach basket to a post and threw a ball into it he had no idea that millions of people would be playing his game today. Mr. Nesmith invented the game of basketball, which most everyone has played at some point in his or her life. Throwing a
ball into a basket. What could be more simple or commonplace than a ball and a peach basket.（注意与题目结合的论证，一定要强调题目中的commonplace)

Today, basketball is the new American pastime. It replaced baseball because it is cheaper than baseball and it can be played by only one person.
This interest in balls and new uses for them, as we can see in both baseball and basketball, brought about a huge social phenomena of exercise and new social interaction that would bring people together rather than divide them.(继续对basketball和baseball的流行性的意义进行提升：促进人与人之间的交流。作者之所以要强调这个sports的意义，是为了证明sports虽然都很simple，但确实是great idea)

It doesn't take a ball to create a sport from a commonplace item.(承上启下） Track and field has no balls used in it, unless you consider the shot-put a ball. The whole sport of track and field is made of simple ideas: running, jumping, and throwing. Simple but yet it is one of the most watched events worldwide as evidenced by the recent Olympic Games.（强调sports的simple but great） For example, team relay races consist of four people running around an oval track passing a baton to each other. A baton that is the only object you need to have a relay race, a baton is definitely a commonplace thing. Yet this event has such stars as Carl Lewis who is known world wide.（这是非常值得我们学习的论证方法，就是令很多中国学生头疼的如何develop the idea,也是aw中最重要的逻辑思路。很多人写一个例子就只是抛出这个例子，而不去论证，不去说明这个例子怎么去证明你的观点，让rater去想象？我们写文章的时候一定要注意这里绿色标注的几句话，证明这个sports怎么simple，这个idea怎么great，这样才能与issue主题结合起来，证明了文章论点。）

Sports and how they were created is the epitome of the idea that "the best ideas arise form a passionate interest in commonplace things."
What might have seemed boring at the time of hitting a ball, or throwing a ball into a net, or passing a baton are all now events that millions take part in and even more watch. What makes these ideas great is that they all bring people from different backgrounds together, wither they intended to or not.

结尾总结，再次强调sports如何simple，idea如何great，最后一句继续总结并升华。

COMMENTARY
This essay presents a thoughtful, if not very well-developed, discussion of the issue.Drawing examples from the world of sports, the writer notes that most sports begin with a simple idea.Baseball, for example, "began when someone decided to throw a ball at someone with a stick and that person with the stick would then try to hit the ball."From this simple idea came a sport that is played and enjoyed all over the world.
Instead of focusing solely on the universal appeal of sports, however, the essay introduces the idea that sports cross "international divides of religion, race, and politics."This is a perceptive idea, but it is not effectively supported or sustained.

rater认为这篇文章没有well-developed，后面对sports意义的升华是一个perceptive idea，但是没有effectively supported.

Throughout the essay, ideas are expressed clearly and word choice is accurate.Sentences are at times well formed and varied: "Today the simple game of baseball is played all over the world.It is a sport that crosses international divides of religion, race, and politics.
This one simple game, a bat hitting a ball, can bring the whole world together."On the whole, however, this is a 5 essay; it lacks the syntactic sophistication and insightful analysis necessary for a score of 6.

优点：思路清晰，用词精确，句式变换
缺点：缺少复杂句，缺乏深入分析

文章思路：
首段把issue论题缩小到论证sports这样的great idea来自于commonplace的范畴，然后分别从baseball，basketball，trace and field三个方面进行论证。

写作启示：
通过举例、分类、定义等方法缩小论题范围有利于简化论证、深入分析
例子要通过逻辑性的合理论证才能支持观点

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SAMPLE-3 (score 4)
While the best ideas do indeed arise from mankind's interest in the commonplace, one must realize that the "commonplace ideas" of our current society continue to evolve at such a rapid rate that we are converging on the Twenty-First Century on a wave of thought, ideas, and creation that would surely baffle our forefathers.

Simply put, Thomas Jefferson, a brilliant, and progressive thinker, was motivated to create certain societal services that he felt necessary for his time.
Historians report that Mr. Jefferson witnessed a fire which destroyed a man's home.
The victim was left with nothing. Mr. Jefferson, thinking it most unfortunate that a man should lose all his worldly possessions, developed a system of homeowners insurance.
Of course today, we have taken insurance to a new and all-encompassing level.
President Roosevelt adored nature and found great solace while visiting Yosemite in Wyoming.
Among his many accomplishments, Roosevelt, our twenty-sixth President, is perhaps best known for his creation of a National Parks Protection program.

Over time, the basic needs of mankind have been met due to interests in the commonplace mixed with a progressive trait in man to make things simpler, faster, less expensive, and more gratifying.

Today, our "simple thoughts" turn to ideas such as space stations, the technological superhighway, and electric vehicles. Sadly, we must also repair much of the fallout from some of our "commonplace" inspired ideas.
For example, evolved transportation has a price as we work to restore our environment.

If we are
inspired by the simple motivations, dreams, and tasks of everyday life then we must make a commitment to development our muse.
Perhaps, the best way to move ahead is to step back; to re-examine and learn from
the art, science, history, love and war of our founding fathers.
Perhaps simple is best.
After all, that's where all the best ideas are born.

COMMENTARY
This essay presents a competent discussion of the issue.
The opening paragraph introduces two ideas that serve as the primary focus of the essay.
The first is that, as the topic claims, the best ideas are the result of an interest in commonplace things; the second is that our ideas are evolving at a rate of rapidity that would "surely baffle our forefathers."
These two ideas are adequately developed in the course of the paper, but not with enough fluency or complexity to merit a score of 5.

The second paragraph, which considers the way in which ideas arise from an interest in commonplace things, is the most thoroughly developed section of the response.
The examples are relevant: Thomas Jefferson, who used everyday observations to come up with the idea of homeowners insurance, and Theodore Roosevelt, whose passionate interest in nature led him to develop the National Parks Protection program.

The essay's other area of focus -- the rapid rate at which our ideas change -- is discussed in the third paragraph.
Some good ideas emerge, but, unfortunately, they are not well developed.

The essay is organized with an introduction, three supporting paragraphs, and a conclusion.
However, the organization would be stronger if the ideas in one paragraph or section were more clearly connected to the points made in the next section.

While there are some errors, they are not severe enough to interfere with meaning.
In general, the writer expresses ideas adequately, although at times the wording seems almost haphazard and therefore a bit confusing: "to re-examine and learn from the art, science, history, love and war of our founding fathers."
For reasons of adequate content and adequate presentation of ideas, this essay received a score of 4.

AdelineShenUID：2630498

SAMPLE-4 (score 3)
The best ideas arise from a passionate interest in commonplace things.
This is something I learned from everyday experiences.
I always found that the things I decorated my life with abundantly, were the things I treasured most.
It could be a memory, a possession, or just a view.
It's hard to create a whole picture without first looking at the pieces within it.
My whole life of school and studies have brought me to college and have sparked my interest in applying to a graduate program.
Never before did I realize how these little efforts would create this dream.
In my field of dietetics many would be amazed to find that the food we eat could kill us or help us from disease.

There are many times where I'll be looking at the beautiful view, and I just have to go out and enjoy it.
I do this by walking, gardening, or just lying in the grass.
The feeling of the warm sun makes me dream.
I know I'm not the only one who tends to overlook the basic things, like the tree outside that you used to climb, or the food you eat to give you energy and growth.
We just have to take the time from our busy schedules to stop and smell the roses.
Everyone's life is different, with our own experiences and thoughts to motivate us, and no matter who we are, some of the simplest things can bring great achievements in our lives.

COMMENTARY
This is a limited response; it does not adequately analyze the issue.
The essay is primarily concerned with discussing the writer's own personal enjoyment of commonplace things.
As such it never fully engages the topic's central issue -- the quality of the ideas that come from those commonplace things.
Early in the response, the writer makes the following observation: "I always found that the things I decorated my life with abundantly, were the things I treasured most."
This is typical of the simplistic analysis that characterizes this essay.

At the end of the first paragraph, the writer does make some hesitant steps toward a discussion of the ideas that might come from these everyday experiences, mentioning that "in my field of dietetics many would be amazed to find that the food we eat could kill us or help us from disease."
This insight is not adequately developed, however, and, in the second paragraph, the writer returns to a discussion of the idea that one must enjoy the little things in life.
In short, the essay is limited in its development, revealing only a partial understanding of the topic's assertion.

In general, the essay displays control of standard written English.
There is not much syntactic variety, but neither are there profound errors.
The essay received the score of 3 because its analysis is simplistic and vague, and its development is limited.

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SAMPLE-5 (score 2)
The thought of a passion

In reading such a passage as the one given to me as an assignment I can't help but think of an analogy that entered my mind.
It is my enduring interest in the field of multimedia.
I say this because of the ideas in which I cultivate as an artist of many media materials such as paints, film, computer animated software, etc.
Being an expressionist I take in my surroundings and personal experiences from commonplaces and things and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn.
My ideas come from people or things because it tells a story.
The story can be abstract, little, big, or even strange.
To record stories like these may spark ideas that may come to me in a domino effect.
It's beautiful] I shared this with you to conclude that sometimes even common things such as a pencil and an empty page can spell lout your fate and unlimited possibilities when you have a passion or an interest that drives your hunger for innovation.

COMMENTARY
This essay is seriously flawed in its analysis of the issue.
The writer attempts to address the topic by focusing on his or her interest in "multimedia" art.
Yet, while isolated words and phrases from the topic appear throughout the essay, the essay never clearly states a position on the issue.
For example, in a discussion of multimedia art, the writer makes the following observation: "Being an expressionist I take in my surroundings and personal experiences from commonplaces and things and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn."
The essay circles around the issue, without ever really engaging it.

The essay is also marked by serious flaws in language use: inaccurate word choice ("and tell a story from my perspective using the various tools whether it be computer aided or hand drawn."), unclear pronoun reference ("My ideas come from people or things because it tells a story"), and, in general, a debilitating lack of clarity and precision.
These errors frequently interfere with meaning, a characteristic of many essays scored 2.

AdelineShenUID：2630498

SAMPLE-6 (score 1)
The best ideas arise from
a passionate interest in commonplace things because they are from places in the heart.
These ideas draw you to learn more about them.
The idea or ideas have become passionate to you by either personal experience or by observation.
It catches your attention and causes you to examine why or how the occurrence /idea exists. Institutively the desire to know more about the idea pushes you into further research of the subject.
The idea can be something you don't understand to be acceptable or unacceptable. The drive to understand leads to passion and that passion drives you to developed a great idea.

COMMENTARY
This essay is fundamentally flawed; it does not present an organized, coherent response to the topic.
Sentences and fragments are strung together with little, if any, underlying logic.
The writer's position seems to be that the more passionate we are about an idea, the more we will pursue it.
But this idea is not really developed, even in a perfunctory way.

The errors are so pervasive and fundamental that they seriously interfere with meaning.
This response requires considerable revisions to receive a score higher than 1.

cant0577UID：2781482

一声惊呼：6分 太完美~
在一声惊呼：3分 原来是这个样子
O(∩_∩)O~  学到了很多呢
希望AdelineShen 继续 官方范文精析哦~~~我会哈好学习每一篇哦~~

liukangminUID：2829972

谢谢啊，收获颇丰