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[备考小组] 14年秋季提纲互改小组-argument 3 [复制链接]

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-10-15 07:32:40 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2014-10-24 11:20 编辑
本帖来自"王老师GRE提纲+全文互改小组",欢迎关注!你还可以查看更多小组创建小组
3) The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

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请根据这里的指引列出提纲并点评楼上组员的提纲或直接回帖参与讨论。
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发表于 2014-10-24 10:57:05 |显示全部楼层
ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

Claim:
The city should prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza.

Evidence:
1.        The number of shops in Central Plaza has decreased
2.        The number of skateboard users in the plaza has increased
3.        The amount of litter and vandalism has increased

Warrant:
1.        The decrease of the number of shops in Central Plaza is caused by popularity of skateboarding in plaza
2.        The increased skateboarding is harmful to the business in the plaza
3.        The litter and vandalism are left by skateboard players

In the letter, the Central Plaza store owner suggests to prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza to revive the business in this area simply because of his believe that  the weak performance of the business to the popularity of skateboarding. But close scrutiny of all his evidence provided, it reveals that his argument is full with flaws and many questions should be answered before he make his suggestion reliable.

全文
The key question be answered is the real reason that lead to decrease of shops in Central Plaza should be clarified. While it is true that many it seems like the decrease of the number of shoppers in Central Plaza and the increase of the number of skateboard users both happened in the past two years, it is too hasty to conclude that popularity of skateboard leads to poor performance of business there. Perhaps the performance of whole economy is in depression, not only in Central Plaza but other in other areas of the country. To better analysis the causality of the phenomenon, a market survey about shops in Central Plaza can be organized. Otherwise even though skateboarding is prohibited, there will be no help for the revival of the business.

Moreover, why more skateboard players appear in Central Plaza should also be answered. Perhaps it is because there will be a national skateboard game held in Central Plaza, and thus many players just come to prepare for the game. For that matter, prohibiting skateboarding is unreasonable. And even perhaps, the truth is that the decrease of numbers of shops in Central Plaza attracts fewer customers to the plaza and thus makes it a good playground to play skateboard. Unless more information provided to help understand the popularity of skateboard in Central Plaza, it is too hasty to prohibit skateboarding and it may cause other problems if simply prohibiting skateboarding there.

Another question should be answered is whether skateboard players should be blamed for the increase of litter and vandalism. There are many other possible explanations for increase of waste in the plaza. One possible explanation is that because of poor performance in business, the property management center decide to cut down the number of cleaners. Without more information provided, shop owners of Central Plaza may make a biased conclusion simply based on their guess.

One more question should be answered is whether the popularity of skateboarding can benefit the business in Central Plaza. Shop owners keep blaming about skateboard players, but why they don’t try to take advantage of it. For example, the shop owners can keep in pace with the trend and start to sell equipment of skateboarding, which may bring them enormous profit. To prohibit skateboarding may lose potential benefit from it. Unless it is confirmed that the overall influence of the popularity of skateboarding in this area is negative to the business, the suggestion is reliable.

In sum, since information provided is not sufficient to support the conclusion that prohibiting skateboard will make business in Central Plaza return to its previously high levels, the owners should try to collect more data and evidence from professional and valid market survey, try to understand the causality and potential benefit of skateboarding in Central Plaza and try to know what cause the plaza in dirty. Without clarifying all the questions mentions, it is suspect that whether his suggestion will lead to predicted result.

错别字
Skatebording -> skateboarding
Overal -> overall
Benefit->benefit
Suspectable->suspect

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-10-24 19:22:09 |显示全部楼层
lisa_C 发表于 2014-10-24 10:57
ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over  ...

ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


Claim:
The city should prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza.

Evidence:
1.        The number of shops in Central Plaza has decreased
2.        The number of skateboard users in the plaza has increased
3.        The amount of litter and vandalism has increased

Warrant:
1.        The decrease of the number of shops in Central Plaza is caused by popularity of skateboarding in plaza
2.        The increased skateboarding is harmful to the business in the plaza
3.        The litter and vandalism are left by skateboard players

In the letter, the Central Plaza store owner suggests 后面跟从句或动名词 to prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza to revive the business in this area simply because of his believe (?) that  the weak performance of the business to the popularity of skateboarding. But close scrutiny of all his evidence provided, it reveals that his argument is full with flaws and many questions should be answered before he make his suggestion reliable.

文章从这里开始?

全文
The key question be answered is the real reason that lead to decrease of shops in Central Plaza should be clarified. While it is true that many it seems like the decrease of the number of shoppers in Central Plaza and the increase of the number of skateboard users both happened in the past two years, it is too hasty to conclude that popularity of skateboard leads to poor performance of business there. Perhaps the performance of whole economy is in depression, not only in Central Plaza but other in other areas of the country. To better analysis the causality of the phenomenon, a market survey about shops in Central Plaza can be organized. Otherwise even though skateboarding is prohibited, there will be no help for the revival of the business.

有几个明显的语法错误、表达问题  建议你发全文前先自己检查一遍
关于提问的基本句型要掌握
The key question to be answered here is this: What is the real reason why …
One key question we need to ask is why the …
要学习用correlated、correlation这个词
由一个问题可以引出相关的问题 比如 how do the customers feel about skateboarding
一段仅提一个问题显然是不够的  


Moreover, why more skateboard players appear in Central Plaza should also be answered. Perhaps it is because there will be a national skateboard game held in Central Plaza, and thus many players just come to prepare for the game. For that matter, prohibiting skateboarding is unreasonable. And even perhaps, the truth is that the decrease of numbers of shops in Central Plaza attracts fewer customers to the plaza and thus makes it a good playground to play skateboard. Unless more information provided to help understand the popularity of skateboard in Central Plaza, it is too hasty to prohibit skateboarding and it may cause other problems if simply prohibiting skateboarding there.

提问的语法有问题 这个问题必须解决  建议专门练习如何写提问的句子
而且我觉得你这里提的问题有点偏离重点  
这道题的关键是If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels 这个预测是否成立 而不是为什么会有这么多人skateboard
当然你可以问禁止skateboarding是否可行 whether it is feasible to prohibit the skateboarding 这个问题或许和你这段的内容比较相关 同时也切合题目的重点
  

Another question (that) should be answered is whether skateboard players should be blamed for the increase of litter and vandalism. There are many other possible explanations for increase of waste in the plaza. One possible explanation is that because of poor performance in business, the property management center decide to cut down the number of cleaners. Without more information provided, shop owners of Central Plaza may make a biased conclusion simply based on their guess.

提问的语法要注意
你这里只提到了litter增加的原因,而没有提到vandalism
cleaners- janitors


One more question (that) should be answered is whether the popularity of skateboarding can benefit the business in Central Plaza. Shop owners keep blaming about skateboard players, but why they don’t try to take advantage of it语法. For example, the shop owners can keep in pace with the trend and start to sell equipment of skateboarding, which may bring them enormous profit. To prohibit skateboarding may 表达 lose potential benefit from it. Unless it is confirmed that the overall influence of the popularity of skateboarding in this area is negative to the business, the suggestion is reliable.

这样写更清楚 其实还可以问 这些skateboarder现在有没有购买力
whether the popularity of skateboarding can create new business opportunities that would be lost as a result of the proposed prohibition

或许你可以看看我之前写的这篇
http://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=2191404
看完后请写点感想和总结 对你接下来的学习有帮助  


In sum, since information provided is not sufficient to support the conclusion that prohibiting skateboard will make business in Central Plaza return to its previously high levels, the owners should try to collect more data and evidence from professional and valid market survey, try to understand the causality and potential benefit of skateboarding in Central Plaza and try to know what cause the plaza in dirty. Without clarifying all the questions mentions, it is suspect that whether his suggestion will lead to predicted result.

错别字
Skatebording -> skateboarding
Overal -> overall
Benefit->benefit
Suspectable->suspect

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发表于 2014-10-25 01:07:56 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-24 19:22
ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Ove ...



开头是In the letter开始哈(标错了sorry>_<),这篇试着限时写得比较急后面的文章尽量自己改过之后发上来,ARGUMENT感觉现在还比较难抓条理,问题类的之前练得不多,自己比较难发现自己的问题,看王老师点评每次都受益匪浅。

去看了王老师的范文,几点感悟:
(1)从王老师这学到不少新表达,写ARGU的时候总是颠来倒去的perhaps自己都觉得好烦哈哈。譬如
It may be safe to say...
It is not fair to assume..
Again等等
(2)条理方面把最重要的问题放在前面,说的时候都偏向采用贴近提干要求的方式
(3)语法是个问题,我学一下老师提问的写法^^

把修改后的全文也贴上来

---------------------------------
ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

修改版

In the letter, the Central Plaza store owner suggests that skateboarding should be prohibitted in Central Plaza to revive the business in this area, and this suggestion is simply based on his guess that  the weak performance of the business to the popularity of skateboarding. But close scrutiny of all his evidence provided, it reveals that his argument is full with flaws and many further questions should be answered.

To begin with, one key question we need to know is why the number of shops in Central Plaza decreased. Correlation does not equal to causality, and thus the decrease of the number of shoppers in Central Plaza is not necessarily due to the increase of the number of skateboard users there. Perhaps the performance of whole economy is in depression, not only in Central Plaza but also in other areas of the country. And even perhaps, the truth is that the decrease of numbers of shops in Central Plaza attracts fewer customers to the plaza and thus makes it a good playground to play skateboard. What's more, another question we need to clarify is how the customers feel about skateboarding. Maybe customers enjoy time watching skateboarding, and thus more customers are attracted by skateboarding. If so, it might be a mistake to drive away skateboard players. To better analysis the causality of the phenomenon, a professional market survey about shops in Central Plaza can be organized. Otherwise, even though skateboarding is prohibited, there will be no help for the revival of the business.

In addition, we need to know more about whether skateboard players should be blamed for the increase of litter and vandalism. There are many other possible explanations for increase of waste in the plaza. One possible explanation is that because of poor performance in business, the property management center decided to cut down the number of janitors. Or perhaps other groups that are also active in Central Plaza threw wastes and destroyed equipments. Without more information provided, shop owners of Central Plaza may make a biased conclusion simply based on the evidence cited.

Moreover, questions about whether it is feasible to prohibit the skateboarding and what would happen after prohibition should also not be neglected. Perhaps a national skateboard game will be held in Central Plaza, and many players just come to prepare for the game. For that matter, prohibiting skateboarding will cause wide complain. Or it is quite possible that when skateboard players leave Central Plaza, other groups like dancers will occupy the ground, which may cause new problems. Unless more information provided to help understand the popularity of skateboard in Central Plaza, it is too hasty to make a decision.

Finally, one more question that should be answered is whether the popularity of skateboarding can benefit the business in Central Plaza. While shop owners now keep blaming about skateboard players, we need to know whether the popularity of skateboarding can create new business opportunities that would be lost as a result of the proposed prohibition. For example, the shop owners can keep in pace with the trend and start to sell equipment of skateboarding, which may bring them enormous profit. Unless it is confirmed that the overall influence of the popularity of skateboarding in this area is negative to the business, the suggestion is reliable.

In sum, since information provided is not sufficient to support the conclusion that prohibiting skateboard will make business in Central Plaza return to its previously high levels, the owners should try to collect more data and evidence from professional and valid market survey, try to understand the causality and potential benefit of skateboarding in Central Plaza and try to know what cause the plaza in dirty and disorder. Without clarifying all the questions mentioned above, it is suspect that whether his suggestion will lead to predicted result.

--------------------------------
PS, 终于修改完了,修改好费时间>_<给自己加把油~
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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-10-25 23:59:56 |显示全部楼层
lisa_C 发表于 2014-10-25 01:07
开头是In the letter开始哈(标错了sorry>_

修改版

我一般建议写全文之前先列提纲 和issue一样 写一个thesis statement和三个 topic sentences然后用汉语展开  希望你下次练argument还是跟这个程序


In the letter, the Central Plaza store owner suggests that skateboarding should be prohibitted in Central Plaza to revive the business in this area, and this suggestion is simply based on his guess that  the weak performance of the business to the popularity of skateboarding. But close scrutiny of all his evidence provided, it reveals that his argument is full with flaws and many further questions should be answered.

我建议不要说argument is full of flaws  因为题目要求的是讨论问什么问题 答案有可能强化或削弱论证
另外 我建议用一个并列结构引出几个不同方面的问题
questions need to be answered about … , … and …  
目前我这个模板用的人还不多  赶紧用


To begin with, one key question we need to know is why the number of shops in Central Plaza decreased. Correlation does not equal to causality, and thus the decrease of the number of shoppers in Central Plaza is not necessarily due to the increase of the number of skateboard users there. Perhaps the performance of whole economy is in depression, not only in Central Plaza but also in other areas of the country. 这里比较不在一个层面上啊 And even perhaps, the truth is that the decrease of numbers of shops in Central Plaza attracts fewer customers to the plaza and thus makes it a good playground to play skateboard. What's more, another question we need to clarify is how the customers feel about skateboarding. Maybe customers enjoy time watching skateboarding, and thus more customers are attracted by skateboarding. 我觉得这个有点偏 If so, it might be a mistake to drive away skateboard players. To better analysis (analyze) the causality of the phenomenon, a professional market survey about shops in Central Plaza can be organized. Otherwise, even though skateboarding is prohibited, there will be no help for the revival of the business.

其实还有一个点你没说的就是其他导致顾客减少的原因 比如服务不好 或者有新的mall在附近


In addition, we need to know more about whether skateboard players should be blamed for the increase of litter and vandalism. There are many other possible explanations for increase of waste in the plaza. One possible explanation is that because of poor performance in business, the property management center decided to cut down the number of janitors. Or perhaps other groups that are also active in Central Plaza threw wastes and destroyed equipments. Without more information provided, shop owners of Central Plaza may make a biased conclusion simply based on the evidence cited.


Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation. 注意要不断的回应题目的要求 这里你应该说 如果litter和破坏不是他们造成的 那么这个推荐就不能达到预期的效果   


Moreover, questions about whether it is feasible to prohibit the skateboarding and what would happen after prohibition should also not be neglected. Perhaps a national skateboard game will be held in Central Plaza, and many players just come to prepare for the game. For that matter, prohibiting skateboarding will cause wide complain 词性 . Or it is quite possible that when skateboard players leave Central Plaza, other groups like dancers will occupy the ground, which may cause new problems. Unless more information provided to help understand the popularity of skateboard in Central Plaza, it is too hasty to make a decision.


这个点有点牵强

Finally, one more question that should be answered is whether the popularity of skateboarding can benefit the business in Central Plaza. While shop owners now keep blaming about skateboard players, we need to know whether the popularity of skateboarding can create new business opportunities that would be lost as a result of the proposed prohibition. For example, the shop owners can keep in pace with the trend and start to sell equipment of skateboarding, which may bring them enormous profit. Unless it is confirmed that the overall influence of the popularity of skateboarding in this area is negative to the business, the suggestion is reliable.



In sum, since information provided is not sufficient to support the conclusion that prohibiting skateboard will make business in Central Plaza return to its previously high levels, the owners should try to collect more data and evidence from professional and valid market survey, try to understand the causality and potential benefit of skateboarding in Central Plaza and try to know what cause the plaza in dirty and disorder. Without clarifying all the questions mentioned above, it is suspect that whether his suggestion will lead to predicted result.

我觉得你还是应该先写提纲   英语4句话 然后汉语展开 等把分析和内容弄好了 再练全文

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发表于 2014-10-27 16:25:49 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-25 23:59
修改版

我一般建议写全文之前先列提纲 和issue一样 写一个thesis statement和三个 topic sentences然后 ...


好的,我下一篇先从提纲开始,多谢王老师意见,确实觉得ARGU还没太找到理出条理的感觉

1. 紧扣INSTRUCTION这点需要提高
2. 论点展开需要加强


昨天晚上刚写完一篇ARGU32跟在版上,顺便求王老师修改


这是再修改后的

ARGUMENT3
The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

全文
In the letter, the Central Plaza store owner suggests that skateboarding should be prohibited in Central Plaza to revive the business in this area, and this suggestion is simply based on his guess that the weak performance of the business to the popularity of skateboarding. But to make his argument credible, questions about what caused depressed business, real reason of the increase of litter and vandalism, the feasibility and possible consequences of this measure, and whether there is any potential profit from skateboarding.
主旨:为使结论可信,关于什么引起生意差、什么引起垃圾破坏多、措施可行性和可能后果、是否有可挖掘商机的问题需要回答

论点一:需要回答什么是引起生意差的真正原因。
(生意差和玩滑板的人多虽然同时发生,却并不一定是后者导致前者。有很多其他可能原因。譬如整个经济低谷,不仅仅CP生意差,其他商场生意也差。譬如有新商场开在附近吸引了客流。很可能反而是因为别的原因导致CP生意差,空旷的场地引来玩滑板的人。另外需要知道人们对滑板的态度,可能有没有人在玩滑板并不影响顾客会不会来购物)
To begin with, one key question we need to know is why the number of shops in Central Plaza decreased. Correlation does not equal to causality, and thus the decrease of the number of shoppers in Central Plaza is not necessarily due to the increase of the number of skateboard users there. Perhaps the performance of whole economy is in depression, not only in Central Plaza but also in other malls of the city. (这里把areas of the country修改成malls of the city可以吗?) Or perhaps a new mall near Central Plaza is just finished, many customers are attracted by new shops with better service. So it is entirely possible that the decrease of numbers of shops in Central Plaza attracts fewer customers to the plaza and thus makes it a good playground to play skateboard. What's more, another question we need to clarify is how the customers feel about skateboarding. Maybe whether customers will come to Central Plaza or not will not influenced by the people who playing skateboard there. If so, it is not necessary to drive away skateboard players. To better analyze the causality of the phenomenon, a professional market survey about shops in Central Plaza can be organized. Otherwise, even though skateboarding is prohibited, there will be no help for the revival of the business.

论点二:需要回答什么引起脏乱和破坏。
(未必是玩滑板的人应该对这个问题负责,可能有其他原因。譬如后勤服务公司投入管理的经费和人力变少。譬如别的团体进行破坏。)
In addition, we need to know more about whether skateboard players should be blamed for the increase of litter and vandalism. There are many other possible explanations for increase of waste in the plaza. One possible explanation is that because of poor performance in business, the property management center decided to cut down the number of janitors. Or perhaps other groups that are also active in Central Plaza threw wastes and destroyed equipment. If the increase of litter and vandalism is not caused by skateboarding, prohibiting it will fail to improve environment in Central Plaza. Without more information provided, shop owners of Central Plaza may make a biased conclusion simply based on the evidence cited.

论点三:需要回答到底滑板到底能不能得到禁止,禁止之后会发生什么。
(可能玩滑板的大多是不听话的小孩子,一方面需要投入大量人力劝退,一方面在劝退过程中小孩子很容易受惊哭闹,吓走更多顾客。即使劝退了玩滑板的人,也可能有别的类型的玩家继续占用场地吵闹)
Moreover, questions about whether it is feasible to prohibit the skateboarding and what would happen after prohibition should also not be neglected. Perhaps most skateboard players are naughty kids, they have no sense of obeying rules. To prohibiting it, mall manager have to hire many security guards to persuade kids to leave. Kids will easily be scared to cry, driving away more customers. Or it is quite possible that when skateboard players leave Central Plaza, other groups like dancers will occupy the ground, which may cause new problems. Unless more information provided to answer the questions about feasibility and possible results of this measure, it is too hasty to make a decision.

论点四:需要回答滑板运动有没有可以挖掘的商机。
(如果商家可以从中获益,譬如购入滑板装备进行销售,大可不必驱赶玩滑板的人)
Finally, one more question that should be answered is whether the popularity of skateboarding can benefit the business in Central Plaza. While shop owners now keep blaming about skateboard players, we need to know whether the popularity of skateboarding can create new business opportunities that would be lost as a result of the proposed prohibition. For example, the shop owners can keep in pace with the trend and start to sell equipment of skateboarding, which may bring them enormous profit. Unless it is confirmed that the overall influence of the popularity of skateboarding in this area is negative to the business, the suggestion is reliable.

结论
In sum, since information provided is not sufficient to support the conclusion that prohibiting skateboard will make business in Central Plaza return to its previously high levels, the owners should try to collect more data and evidence from professional and valid market survey, try to understand the causality and potential benefit of skateboarding in Central Plaza and try to know what cause the plaza in dirty and disorder. Without clarifying all the questions mentioned above, it is suspect that whether his suggestion will lead to predicted result.


错别字
analysis->analyze
prohibitted ->prohibited
Skatebording -> skateboarding
Overal -> overall
Benefit->benefit
Suspectable->suspect
一个慢慢滚向PHD的橙子

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-10-27 21:57:12 |显示全部楼层
lisa_C 发表于 2014-10-27 16:25
好的,我下一篇先从提纲开始,多谢王老师意见,确实觉得ARGU还没太找到理出条理的感觉

1. 紧扣INSTR ...

这个版本挺好 感觉第四个点略嫌牵强

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发表于 2014-10-28 20:50:49 |显示全部楼层
1.        decrease in their business和the number of skateboard users 关系
2.        the popularity of skateboarding 和the number of skateboard users的关系
3.        the popularity of skateboarding 和amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza的关系
4.        skateboarding is prohibited here的可行性
我一般打算压缩成三点来写,老师你的意思呢。

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-10-29 00:15:27 |显示全部楼层
raikkonen36 发表于 2014-10-28 20:50
1.        decrease in their business和the number of skateboard users 关系
2.        the popularity of skateboardi ...

你这个提纲真够简略的  
个人感觉第二个point没有必要
注意题目要求是提出需要回答的问题
所以每段都要讨论各自问题  
最好写一个详细一点的英文提纲和汉语展开

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US-applicant

发表于 2014-10-29 00:58:13 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-27 21:57
这个版本挺好 感觉第四个点略嫌牵强

回头把第四点删了,一开始想放在第一段一起说,觉得不妥就扔到最后一段了,多谢王老师!

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发表于 2014-11-13 02:46:47 |显示全部楼层
王老师,有一个小小的疑问。我用scoreitnow来改作文,就是ETS官方用erater改作文的服务,发觉最后评价的时候它只把第一段的最后一句当thesis。那按照1+3模型thesis通常是要两句话,那么不就有可能被判main idea跟thesis对应不上?是不是把thesis部分的两句拼成一句会好一点?

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-11-13 09:57:08 |显示全部楼层
gzc405933323 发表于 2014-11-13 02:46
王老师,有一个小小的疑问。我用scoreitnow来改作文,就是ETS官方用erater改作文的服务,发觉最后评价的时候 ...

你可以把scoreitnow的评论和你的文章站内信给我看看么
感觉erater并没有强调主旨句和主题句的呼应 至少我看的文献没有提到
同时erater是和human rater分别评分的 所以不要太担心这种不合理的评判
整个算法比我们想象的要复杂 或许要对它有信心吧
当然 能否用一个完整的复杂句来概括观点是最好的

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发表于 2014-11-14 15:06:23 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 gzc405933323 于 2014-11-14 15:14 编辑
tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-13 09:57
你可以把scoreitnow的评论和你的文章站内信给我看看么
感觉erater并没有强调主旨句和主题句的呼应 至少 ...


The following appeared in an e-mail sent by the marketing director of the Classical Shakespeare Theatre of Bardville.

"Over the past ten years, there has been a 20 percent decline in the size of the average audience at Classical Shakespeare Theatre productions. In spite of increased advertising, we are attracting fewer and fewer people to our shows, causing our profits to decrease significantly. We must take action to attract new audience members. The best way to do so is by instituting a 'Shakespeare in the Park' program this summer. Two years ago the nearby Avon Repertory Company started a 'Free Plays in the Park' program, and its profits have increased 10 percent since then. Therefore, I recommend that we start a 'Shakespeare in the Park' program of our own. If we do so, I predict that our profits will also see a significant increase."



Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

erater说检测不到thesis


         The argument negatively links the decline in audience number and profits to the lack of new programs to attract new audience members and hence recommends the 'Shakespeare in the Park' program this summer in order to attract new audience. However, several questions about the reason for the decline of audience size and profits and the effectiveness of the proposed summer theatrical program.
         One question for the author of the email is whether the decline in profits is mainly due to the decrease in audience size. If the theater does not have many audience originally, the 20 percent decline will not be significant. One of them is the cost. Besides the number of audience, there are several other important factors that can impact profits. One of them is the cost. Since profit is the difference between revenue and cost, a hike in cost might lead to the decrease in profit. If this is the case, it is recommended that the theater
take action to curtail cost instead of initiating a new program that might increase the cost. Another factor is the diminished revenue probably due to the decrease in ticket price. A decrease in revenue can also cause a decrease in profit according to the function between revenue and profit. Under this circumstance, the theater might need to increase the ticket price to optimize revenue. If other factors play a more significant role on decreasing the profit, the recommendation of the director is not justifiable.
           Another question the author of the statement needs to answer is the dearth of new programs is main reason for the decline of audience size. There are many other factors that can decrease the audience size. One example is the loss of original audience members due to the switch of preferences of those audience. Probably the work of Shakespeare is no longer popular among those audience groups. Therefore, it is more effective for the theater to research on the original audience's taste and make relevant adjustment to keep those groups of audience. Another example is the decrease of the advertising efficiency despite the increased advertising effort. Probably the advertisement of the theater is broadcast on TV or radio during the non-prime time or published on the obscure sectors of the magazine. Therefore, the increase in advertising input doesn't necessarily lead to an increase in the number of audience reached by the advertisements. If the lack of new programs is not the main reason for the decrease in audience size, the recommendation for a new program is unwarranted.
           Even assuming that the decline in audience is due to the lack of a new program, it is not appropriate for the marketing director to determine that the 'Shakespeare in the Park' program to be effective based on the success of a similar program in Avon Repertory Company. The marketing director needs to figure out the question whether the program can lead to at least the same amount of increase in audience number and revenue. If the answer to the question turns out to be true, then the recommendation of the marketing director is advisable. In order to answer this question, the marketing director need to find out whether Avon and Classical are dealing with groups of audience of the similar preferences and the cost of the program are the same for the two theaters.
            In sum, before implementing the recommendation for the new program of 'Shakespeare in the park', it is recommended that the company management research on the customer preferences, the cost of the company and the effectiveness of the program. Those are the major factors that provide a sound basis for the success of the program in boosting audience size and profits.

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2014-11-14 22:18:50 |显示全部楼层
However, several questions about the reason for the decline of audience size and profits and the effectiveness of the proposed summer theatrical program. 这句话没有动词
One of them is the cost. 这句话出现了两次 说明你写得很赶
而且原题没有说过program少的问题
而你却用了一段在讲 the dearth of new programs
建议你先写提纲 给我修改后再写全文
你或许时间不够 不愿意这么做 那就等你二战再来找我吧

PS 你能把完整的report发给我看看么

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发表于 2014-11-20 00:20:40 |显示全部楼层
这一篇直接上全文吧~
According to the letter, the author recommends that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza predicts because it is the increasing popularity of skateboarding that decreases in the business, leads to increasing litter and vandalism. If the recommendation is to be accepted, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.
  First of all, the author claimed that the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased during the past two years, based on which he or she thought it is the increasing number of skateboarding that has led to the decline of business. The decline of the number of shoppers, however, may result from other reasons. For example, the newly populated Internet shopping, which let people shop very conveniently by surfing the Internet and sitting in front of a computer without stepping out of the gate, may be the reason that leads to the dramatically decreasing number of shoppers.
  What is more, the author insisted that the increasing popularity of skateboarding result to the decline of shopping. The reason and the conclusion, however, might be mistaken by the author because there is possibility that it is the decreasing number of shoppers that result in the low using rate of the enormous space in the plaza, which finally leads the plaza to become a great place to play skateboard.
  The author wrote the fact of a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza but he or she did not bridge the gap between the fact and the phenomenon of increasing of skateboarding. How can the increasing skateboarding directly lead to the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism? This is the question that the author needs to solve and prove because there could be some other reasons.
  Based on what has been mentioned above, three questions about the cause of the decreasing of shoppers, the increasing number of the skateboard users and the increase in the amount of litter and vandalism are still in desperate need to be answered.

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