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[习作点评] 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [复制链接]

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发表于 2015-6-11 19:57:37 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-12 09:09 编辑

[0612 同主题练习] Argument 28

28)The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia.        

Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches. Although many foods are naturally rich in salicylates, for the past several decades, food-processing companies have also been adding salicylates to foods as preservatives. This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study. Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods. With this new use for salicylates, we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia.        

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论: we can expect a continued steady decline in the number of headaches suffered by the average citizen of Mentia with the new use for salicylates.
论据1:Salicylates are members of the same chemical family as aspirin, a medicine used to treat headaches.
论据2:In a twenty-year study, the use of salicytates in food has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches.
论据3:It has been found that salicylates can be used as flavor additives for foods, beside the use as preservatives, which has been applyed for several decades.

① 没有科学的理论证明salicylates可以治疗headache,可能是其他原因导致患者减少
② salicylates越多越好?没有negative effect?
③ 即便过去确实是salicylates减少了headache,将来的情况不一定依然如此(影响headache的因素可能有所转变)


Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
According to the summary, the author claimed that with the new use of salicylates in food, the number of people who suffered from headaches would continue to decline based on a twenty-year study showing a correlation between the use of salicylates and the decline of number of headaches. 概括结论、论据
However, this argument is rife with assumptions which could be challenged and thus, not strong enough for reaching the conclusion. TS 注意新G不是要求你指出argument不强



Para. 2作用内容点评语言点评
To begin with, it is assumed that the use of salicylates in food is the main factor leading to the decline of the average number of headaches. ts1
While salicylates are in the same chemical family with aspirin, which is useful for curing headache, there is no scientific analysis of the mechanic of headache treatment by salicylates. 质疑此条assumption的原因 mechanism

As for the correlation between salicylates and headaches shown in the study, there could be other reasons leading to the decline of number of headaches such as the better living condition, people’s more attention to their health as well as other components or elements in food. 提出其他可能
It is possible that people have cared more about their headaches and have taken some measures to reduce headache. 可能性展开
Other elements in food might also play a role in treating this disease. 同上
To verify this assumption, we should take another experiment making salicylates to be the only difference, namely, one group of people are given food with salicylates while the other group eat same food without salicylates. 如何证明假设正确
Otherwise, the anticipation could be not cogent enough based on this assumption. 否则+回应assumption anticipation could be not cogent表达



Para. 3作用内容点评语言点评
Moreover, It is also assumed that more salicylates in food could better deal with headache and have no negative effect. ts2
Many elements, as we know, do not follow the rule that the more we eat, the better they work in our bodies. 展开
Take calcium as an example, we need a specific amount every day, but an excess of calcium just can not be absorbed by our body and may lead to other diseases like hypercalcemia(“高血钙症”是写完后查的……). 例子
Without the researches proving that more salicylates could act better for headache treatment and would not have a negative effect, the assumption could not be reasonable. 否则+回应assumption



Para. 4作用内容点评语言点评
In addition, another assumption need to be examined is that salicylates could still be the main factor of declining the number of headaches in the future. ts3 that needs
While it may be true that the use of salicylates in food played an important role in headache treatment in the past several decades, in people’s life in the next decades, there might be other factors leading to headaches such as the heavier pressure, the sleep deprivation and etc. 让步+其他可能性
The pace of life and work today have become much quicker than tens of years ago and people are facing more problem of job, emotion, and even their social status. These factors might make people become weaker in health and suffer from headaches. 具体讨论可能性和结果
We need to exclude these factors to verify the assumption that salicylates in food will still act significantly in reducing headaches, or the argument would not be likely to be cogent based on this assumption. 否则+回应assumption

后面两段我没有细看 我觉得这两点不是很好  主要是我们在找切入点作为中间段的主题句时一定要紧扣原题的论证 在原题中寻找切入点  




Para. 5作用内容点评语言点评
In conclusion, there are some assumptions we need to reexamine before we accept the claim that the new use of salicylates would lead to a continued steady decline in the number of headaches.  总结



40分钟,不过贴过来时有一些修改。中间一段的论点好像不是特别贴切,感觉new use和more use还是不一样的,而且感觉例子举的不是特别合适
也还是不会paraphrase,表达感觉还很单一,可能还会有一些自己造出来的表达……后面我要多读文章了……
This rise in the commercial use of salicylates has been found to correlate with a steady decline in the average number of headaches reported by participants in our twenty-year study.
这里参与者的report是否可靠是一个值得讨论的问题 包括取样的问题 这帮人有没有吃含有salicylate的食物 可能他们吃的新鲜食材 不需要防腐

Recently, food-processing companies have found that salicylates can also be used as flavor additives for foods.
公司发现可以用作flavor 但是这种味道市场是否能接受 成本可控?  


还是看看我的范文



这大概是第一次在30分钟的时候看到字数已经350+ ……  后天的T,所以可能要等到后天下午再修改这两天的文章了(前两篇还没有去句子加油站,后天补上)

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IBT Zeal 生农医药offer勋章

发表于 2015-6-12 11:30:13 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-11 19:57
[0612 同主题练习] Argument 28

28)The following appeared in the summary of a study on headaches su ...

感觉你的第一段写了好几个意思,不过的确都是在主题句之下的。

第二三段我的感觉是有点像写issue。。。我个人不会把钙的例子放在这里仔细说,因为举个栗子说钙的摄入是这个情况,其实不足以证明水杨酸盐的摄入也会是这个情况。我觉得只要说水杨酸盐摄入太多也可能有副作用之类的就好。第三段也是觉得写出可能性以后又抒发了一些,如果写简单一点可能可以节约出来一些时间。

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发表于 2015-6-16 02:12:59 |显示全部楼层
[0615 同主题练习] Issue 65

65) Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust laws.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


第一段:obey just laws
第二段:still obey unjust laws
第三段:Challenge: unjust laws should be resisted in order to better protect most people's rights
                           change the unjust laws by peaceful ways


Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
There is no doubt that all citizens of a country should obey just laws. 肯定just laws
While there may exist some unjust laws in a society, people should still respect the decision of the legislators and obey these laws to ensure a stable society. 仍遵守unjust laws
As for the argument that people should resist unjust laws to pursue the justice, I think that unjust laws should be denied and revised only by a peaceful and nonviolence way. challenge



Para. 2作用内容点评语言点评
First of all, every individual would agree that just laws should be obeyed, for the reason that just laws could ensure the personal security and the safety of money ts1
Most of laws that are enacted and implemented for years are just, an example of which could be ban of drunk driving. 多数法律还是just的
Drunk driving could not only damage the driver and the passengers, this kind of accidents could often cause a great loss and even threaten lives (life risk) of the innocent pedestrians. 举例,酒驾的危害
Legislating to ban this behavior could reduce the number of such accidents and ensure the safety of both drivers and pedestrians. 立法的好处
Just laws like this deserve obedience and advocating. =>应该遵守



Para. 3作用内容点评语言点评
Whether unjust laws should be obeyed would be controversial. However, I think that people should respect the decisions of legislators and obey these unjust laws to keep the society in order. ts2
As we know, most laws were first proposed and voted before they were enacted to the public. 立法前经过投票
Therefore, these laws would be relatively just after a careful consideration at that time. =>当时应该是正义的
It might be the case that with the progress of the society, laws which were enacted decades before became not proper for the current situations and are considered to be unjust. 可能的情况
We should still comply with these laws to keep our society stable, which is also benefit for people’s life within the country or state. 还是应该遵守法律

感觉这一段论述不是很清楚+确实找不到例子。相关领域知道的也很少


Para. 4作用内容点评语言点评
Some people may argue that unjust laws should be disobeyed and resisted in order to ensure that most people’s rights could be protected and ensured.  ts3
However, if we resist these laws in a violent way, the society would suffer from a huge chaos, which would definitely cause a negative impact on people’s life. 暴力解决的危害
Nonviolent ways should be taken to change the unjust laws, such as writing a letter to the council to ask for a revision of law. 应该:非暴力方式
This could be demonstrated by examples like the famous Fourteen Amendment to the United States Constitution, which was proposed by councils form several states and ratified in 1868. 举例
This amendment changed the African-American’s situations and argues for the “equal protection of the laws”. 例子的影响
This case showed that unjust laws should be challenged and changed by the nonviolent approach, which could unsure the rights of people and would not cause the disorder. 联系例子总结ts3

不过有感觉到这里例子还是不太合适,确实不太了解呐


Para. 5作用内容点评语言点评
Actually, what would be the criteria to judge whether a law is just or not is not quite clear. 没有明确的评判标准(不知道这样写结尾是不是有点脱节,因为前面毕竟都没提过评判标准的问题)
From the analysis before, we should obey the laws both we think are just and unjust. 总结观点
For those laws we think are unjust, nonviolent means to change it should be considered instead of a violent way. 总结 对challenge的回应



还是40min……说好的35呢……明天争取。

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发表于 2015-6-16 21:29:05 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-6-17 12:59 编辑

[0616 同主题练习] Argument 15

15) The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants.
Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.


Claim: either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine.
论据1:In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained =>(an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change )
论据2:many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead

思路:不抱怨≠happy:unhappy的只是没说而已
        2%的基数选取有不同的解释
        不抱怨≠分不清:可能两者都接受


Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
In the memorandum, the business manager claimed that the customers of Happy Pancake House restaurants did not distinguish butter from margarine, or they thought both butter and margarine as the term ‘butter’, according to an investigation after the restaurants replaced butter by margarine. 概括claim 原题好像没有提 investigation 不添加原题没有的内容可以简化内容
The investigation indicated that only about 2 percent of customers complained about this replacement and servers also reported that many customers who asked for butter did not say anything. 概括论据 概括的时候要重点关注 fact + explanation
这是本题的关键所在
To evaluate this argument, we must consider several alternative explanations of the facts presented by the memorandum. 提出需要考虑alternative explanations



Para. 2作用内容点评语言点评
First of all, the business manager claimed that the complaint of 2 percent customers indicated that 98 percent of customers were happy with the replacement. However, this could be explained as that many people felt awful about the change but did not complain to the restaurants. ts1:不抱怨≠happy be explained as that  表达 很关键的表达 需要形成套路  
Reasons for this result might be the followings: Some of their regular customers felt disappointed about this action and thought they were cheated, which made them never visit the restaurant anymore; 可能的具体情况1:老顾客很失望,没有抱怨,再也不来 be as follows
分号用法
Some customers also visited other pancake houses, which still used butter in their cakes and sold cakes at the same price with Happy Pancake House. These customers had better choice and would go to other pancake houses without complaining about Happy Pancake House; 可能的具体情况2:也常去其他(仍用butter但价格相同的)店,有更好的选择,不抱怨,不来 注意情态动词的用法  只是一种可能性 而不是事实

分号用法  
Some customers could be kind and tolerant and they might think this to be a provisional action which Happy Pancake House had to take because of the lack of butter. 可能的具体情况3:顾客宽容,不抱怨 这里的其他可能性略不靠谱
Situations above could also explain why only 2 percent of customers complained about the change but not indicate that 98 percent of customers were happy with this change. 2%抱怨≠98% happy discussed above



ts2的表达有点啰嗦,感觉可以用更简洁的话把这个意思表达清楚
Para. 3作用内容点评语言点评
With regard to the percentage, other explanations should be considered such as the possibility that all customers, both new and regular, in a period of time before and after this alteration were included. ts2:2%的总数不合理 不太明白这句话说啥
It might be the case that many customers came to Happy Pancake House for the first time, either before or after this change, namely, they did not experience the change and of course would not complain about it. 具体解释 Another possible explanation for low complaint rate is that some cusotmers are newcomers not aware of the change from butter to margerine.

这样好些吧?   
The objectives taken into the survey should be those who came to Happy Pancake House at least two times with one time butter was used and the next time margarine were used. 提出调查对象选取的建议 The objectives taken into the survey不懂  
Otherwise the results could not be explained as that 98 percent of customers were happy with the change because they did not even experience this change. 如果只来过一次的customer也被包含在内 could not be explained as that
表达




Para. 4作用内容点评语言点评
In addition, the reports from the servers could have other explanation. It is possible that many customers were aware of this change but they did not care about it and thus did not complain about it. ts3:知道但不在意 这个解释和题目不矛盾啊 汗
Customers might know clearly about the distinction between butter and margarine as well as the specific name of butter and margarine, but they accept both of them to be used in cakes. 可能两者都接受
In this case, they would surely not propose their point of view about this change. 这种情况下,不抱怨≠分不清 这个解释虽然和原题的解释不同 但是却支持原题的结论 所以不能算rival
This could also explain why only 2 percent of customers complained while 98 percent did not, which is not because that they could not make the difference.回应alternative explanation



Para. 5作用内容点评语言点评
In conclusion, there might be several alternative explanations of why only a small percentage of customers complained about the replacement of butter.  指出有几个alternative explanations
These alternative explanations of the facts should be carefully considered before the Happy Pancake House restaurants make the further decision of which one to use. 需要考虑这些explanations



37分钟,几个比较长的词会卡T_T……另外语言简洁一点的话应该还能快些
Happy Pancake House restaurants -> HPH restaurants
memorandum -> memo

总体感觉还是比较啰嗦,不知道有没有把三个点说清楚。希望老师能提一点  简洁表达 方面的建议~

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发表于 2015-6-19 00:09:32 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-19 07:31 编辑

[0618 同主题练习] Issue 122 提纲

122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to examine the character of the men and women that the society chooses as its heroes or its role models.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.



Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
I tend to disagree with the claim that in order to look into a society’s character, the best way is to analyze its heroes and role models. 观点+重述题目
In our observation, the heroes and role models are often selected and propagated by the rulers or the government in order to educate its people. 分论点1:hero表现的是政府意志
Also, they often reflect some characters that the society admire but not possess. 分论点2:这些characters恰是siciety所没有的 这个point是原创吧 我觉得很好
As for the point that examine the heroes could be the fastest and most costless way to study a society’s character, there could be more advanced means to reach this purpose. challenge examine动词形式
reach the goal
serve the purpose 搭配



Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
First of all, the heroes of a nation or a society could always be the one who satisfy the rulers or the government best. Their characters, however, may not reflect what the whole society is like. ts1:反应的是政府意志而不是真实的社会特点 主题句要限定范围  在某些时期的某些极权国家
特别是在网络通信技术还不很发达的年代,人们所接触到的关于heroes的材料大多又政府所主导。政府在很大程度上可以按照他们的意愿选择甚至夸大heroes满足他们要求的一面来传播。然而这些character大多反应的是政府意志而不是真实的社会特点。(这里有想到雷锋和斯大林的例子,但不知道如何解释。学习范文思路,可以讲无私奉献并不符合人的本性,也并不能揭示当时的社会特点)



Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
In addition, these characters of the heroes and role models could always be the qualities the society admire and are looking for, and are exactly what most people do not have. ts2:被当做榜样的这些character往往恰是社会所缺乏和需要的
这里想到了钱学森、杨利伟的例子,他们一直是中国社会所推崇的为科研献身的偶像,但正是由于中国政府想要提倡这样一种character,而这一character并不是这个社会所具有的特点。 嗯 大部分屌丝都无法成为人生赢家



Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
Some people may argue that by examine a society’s heroes and models, researchers could understand the character of the society fast and costless. Some people may argue that by examine a society’s heroes and models, researchers could understand the character of the society fast and costless. However, advanced techniques which are used to study a society’s characteristics could be more precise and require less cost.ts3:challenge和反驳:(同范文思路)先进的科研技术有办法更准确和低成本地探究社会的character require less resources  
也是想到了machine learning用于internet和social media的例子,可以较为方便地统计出网民的搜索内容、浏览内容从而反映普通大众关注的重点,从而更好地反应社会的特点。



提纲20分钟,ts1的例子确实比较难想,主要是不容易解释清楚

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寄托兑换店纪念章 US-applicant 19周年勋章

发表于 2015-6-19 07:32:20 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-6-19 00:09
[0618 同主题练习] Issue 122 提纲

122) The best way to understand the character of a society is to ...

已点评
可以在这一楼计时写全文 请保留提纲表格

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发表于 2015-6-19 20:16:18 |显示全部楼层
tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-19 07:32
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可以在这一楼计时写全文 请保留提纲表格

好的,我周末写全文。谢谢老师!

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发表于 2015-6-19 20:47:04 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 tesolchina 于 2015-6-21 21:27 编辑

[0619 同主题练习] Argument 84

84) The following is a letter to the editor of an environmental magazine.
Two studies of amphibians in Xanadu National Park confirm a significant decline in the numbers of amphibians. In 1975 there were seven species of amphibians in the park, and there were abundant numbers of each species. However, in 2002 only four species of amphibians were observed in the park, and the numbers of each species were drastically reduced. One proposed explanation is that the decline was caused by the introduction of trout into the park's waters, which began in 1975. (Trout are known to eat amphibian eggs.)

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.



Para. 1作用内容点评语言点评
In the letter, the author proposed an explanation of the decline of species and numbers of amphibians in XNP over the years from 1975 to 2002. He/she argued that the decline was caused by the trout introduced into the park according to two studies indicating that the species and populations suffer a dramatic reduction and the fact that trout was introduced since 1975.fact + explanation (in the letter) in 1975
However, there might be other alternative explanations that could also interpret this phenomenon.  TS interpret 选词   



Para. 2作用内容点评语言点评
First of all, the dramatic decline of amphibian population might be caused by climate change, which has a huge impact on environment during the recent decades, rather than the introduced trout. ts1:气候变化
As we know, climate change could be a big reason for the extinction of many species in the past hundreds of years. climate change有很大影响
These amphibians might have been long lived in a relatively cooler environment and could not make an adaptation to the gradually warming temperature. 可能无法适应气候变暖 temperature - climate
It might be the case that with the climate warming, many amphibians could not survive and thus the population declined. 引起种群数量下降
Therefore, the decline of amphibian population and species number could also be explained by the climate change, other than the introduction of trout. 总结ts1 other than- instead of



Para. 3作用内容点评语言点评
Similar to the climate change, environment pollution could also interpret this decline. ts2: environment pollution interpret 选词
Over the past decades, our earth has been badly affected by air and water contamination, acid rain and PM 2.5 could well illustrate this factor.  空气和水污染(这句话应该是需要断句的,但断开后感觉不是很连贯怎么办) air pollution and water...
断句
整句的表达有问题
Amphibians might be influenced by these factors since their habitat environment was not as clean and suitable for living as what things were like decades ago. 污染让amphibians无法适应
Therefore, habitat polluted could be an alternative explanation which might cause the decline of amphibian species and populations.  总结ts2 habitat polluted表达



Para. 4作用内容点评语言点评
In addition, the fact that species and population reduced significantly in the past 27 years could be explained by the relationship among these species as well, namely, the seven species might be competitors of each other. ts3 reduced - decreased
Over the past tens of years, with resources and food declining, the competition among species could become more fierce. 由于生存资源缺乏导致竞争激烈 tens of (?)

Individuals and species that are not strong and aggressive enough could gradually die in the competitions. as a result of the competition
Also, since the author mentioned that trout was introduced into the park’s water, there might be other species, which need the same living resources as amphibians do, also be introduced in the park. They are also competitors to amphibians.或者引入了其他的竞争物种 be 动词形式introduced
This might also lead to a decline of amphibian species number and population.  总结ts3



Para. 5作用内容点评语言点评
In conclusion, besides the introduction of trout that are known to eat amphibian eggs, there might be alternative explanations such as the climate change, the environment pollution and species competition that could also explain the decline of amphibians during the past decades. 总结alternative explanations explanation that could also explain 重复  
And to better evaluate this argument, we must take these explanations into consideration. 需要考虑这些explanations



35分钟……但是感觉这篇没有深入进去。看题目后第一感觉是,这个解释就很合理了……
主要问题集中在语言表达方面 切入点似乎都可以 (tesolchina)



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发表于 2015-7-7 21:03:54 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-7-8 15:49 编辑

[0707 语言反馈之四] 指代不明或缺乏限定范围


1.
练习 0618 Issue 122 提纲
句子 First of all, the heroes of a nation or a society could always be the one who satisfy the rulers or the government best. Their characters, however, may not reflect what the whole society is like.
点评 主题句要限定范围  在某些时期的某些极权国家
修改 First of all, in some centralized contries in the history, the heroes could always be the one who satisfy the rulers or the government best. Their characters, however, might not reflect what the whole society was like.
思考总结 不加这样的限定的话总是不够严谨的。提出自己的观点的时候应该考虑的全面一些。


2.
练习 0604 Argument 14
句子 Even though sleep hour in advertising firms may lead to a higher profit margin, it might mean different things to industry and manufacturing companies.  
点评 it might mean different things这里的it指的是什么
修改 Even though less sleep hour of employees in advertising firms can lead to a higher performance, the result can not be applied to all of other industris.  
思考总结 这里其实还是句型句式的问题,有点自己在“造”的感觉。

关于代词的指代不明,因为之前在什么地方看到老师说过这个问题,练习过程中一直有注意,所以这方面问题比较少。

缺乏限定范围的问题之前确实没有意识到,特别是在限时的情况下。这是逻辑严谨所必需的。以后的练习会多加注意。

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发表于 2015-7-7 21:33:40 |显示全部楼层
晹城 发表于 2015-7-7 21:03
[0707 语言反馈之四] 指代不明或缺乏限定范围


1.

可以问一下,你是用Excel 表格编辑的吗?我不太清楚怎么把Excel上的内容粘上去,总是失败。。。

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发表于 2015-7-7 21:41:05 |显示全部楼层
艾小卉 发表于 2015-7-7 21:33
可以问一下,你是用Excel 表格编辑的吗?我不太清楚怎么把Excel上的内容粘上去,总是失败。。。

直接在回复里面插入表格,表格宽度可以调整。excel插入我没试过,好像听其他同学说,编辑框的右上角有个“纯文本”,把这个√去掉就可以插入了。

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发表于 2015-7-8 15:38:42 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-7-8 16:45 编辑

[0708 内容反馈之五] 中间段的展开与例子的解释

Argument 中间段的展开 和 Issue例子的解释不够清楚或者例子不能很好地支持观点,是我在练习过程中的一个比较大的问题。主要是思路不够清晰。
Argument还好,注意到这一点就比较容易改正。相比之下Issue在这方面难度就高一些。如果要例子很好地支持论点并展开,一方面要准确地理解题目表达的意思和要求,另一方面也要积累大量的例子。积累例子其实也还好,但是要准确理解题目,更需要大量的阅读。有一种路漫漫其修远兮的感觉。不过好在题库是确定的,可以提前准备。在老师的帮助下,比较难的题目经过练习和批改也能理解准确了。

1.
练习 0528 Argument 71
句子 To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. It is possible that the objects of the surveys are different from that of three years ago. Evidence showing that the reports given by local people are reliable is needed here to examine this proposal. It may not be a worse traffic condition but the defferent survey objects that led to the conclusion of such a traffic problem.
点评 感觉整段话没有展开 有point 但是更进一步的说明
修改 To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. We need to know more about the participants in the two surveys. It is possible that participants in the first survey took a shorter commute than in the second, because companies or residences had probably moved farther from downtown area. Also, it is important to look into the reliability of the surveys. Drivers may not take it seriously or recall the time accurately when filling a questionnaire, thus made the conclusion less reliable. If there is no more evidence to verify this result, the surveys-based conclusion indicating that traffic gose worse would be questionable.
思考总结 中间段展开不充分的问题在我前期写Argument的时候经常出现。不过对如何在一段中表达观点熟悉了之后,类似的问题还是能够注意到的


2.
练习 0609 Argument 78
句子 It could be possible that there was $100,000 worth of food stored in Palm City, while there was only $30,000 worth amount stored in Wintervale. Under this circumstance, the rate of destroyed food in Palm, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, is 20% but in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired, is actually 33%.
点评 感觉这样举数字略显clumsy  
It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Wintervale than in ...  
修改 It may be the case that a larger amount of food with higher total value was stored in Palm City than in Wintervale. The $20,000 worth of food destroyed in Palm City, where Fly-Away Pest Control Company was hired, may be a smaller percentage than that in Wintervale, where Buzzoff was hired. In this case, less destroyed food does not mean less loss.
思考总结 写的时候觉得直接举数字会直观容易理解一些,但是确实也是因为表达上面的不足。还是应该尽量用语言表达清楚


3.
练习 0611 Issue 33
句子 With regard to the general public, it is a fact that things are going to be more comprehensible. Computer assistant design has released engineers from heavy work looking at a draft and imagining the 3-D model with difficulty. Engineers in architecture today can accomplish a blueprint of a building just by sketching their design with software and no longer have to draw a huge picture with a pencil. Computer models are also used in learning and teaching, where it made things easier to understand. As demonstrated by the examples above, more knowledge and new techniques are making things more comprehensible for general people.
点评 我觉得这个例子不合适 CAD并不是知识 而是一种技术  注意题目讲的是knowledge 而不是technology
所以这段的例子都不行
修改 With regard to the general public, it is a fact that many mysterious phenomena in the past are going to become plausible with the knowledge people acquired. Before the knowledge came to people's mind, they would interpret things with bizarre theories. People in ancient Greek thought it was the curse of the pharaoh that made the Nile overflow every year, which caused a great damage. With the knowledge in hydrology indicating that it was the climate change at the river source that caused the flood, people began to understand the natural phenomenon and did not think it as the punishment from pharaoh.
思考总结 当时在写的时候确实没有想到合适的例子。后来借鉴了老师的范文,想到了人们对尼罗河涨水的认识的例子。例子不合适还有一个原因就是对题目或者题目中的关键词理解有偏差或者不到位。


4.
练习 0611 Issue 33
句子 When we consider scientists who have devoted most of their time into theoretical problem, things might be more mysterious as more guess has been brought up. In the area of mathematics, the famous Goldbach’s conjecture has confused generations of scientists. Without more knowledge acquired by the mathematician Goldbach, he would not come up with such a conjecture, which made the demonstration puzzled and mysterious. Not only mathematicians, physicists are also puzzled by some unsolved problems led by some momentous theories which were developed by human with more knowledge. Quantum Mechanics, which was proposed by great scientists like Einstein and had helped solving many difficulties in communication area, also remains enigmatic problems like “Can quantum mechanics and general relativity be realized as a fully consistent theory?” Things are more mysterious for scientists with more acquired knowledge in the preceding cases.
点评 第一个例子:注意题目的思路是 先获取新的知识 然后事情变得搞不懂或者神秘 但是你的例子里 没有看到获取了什么知识   
第二个例子:同样的 没有看到知识的具体例子
修改 When we consider scientists, who have devoted most of their time into theoretical problem, things might be more mysterious as they get more knowledge and findings. When scientists get to know something new, more relevant questions may come about and things could become more mysterious. Newtonian mechanics was once thought to be the most perfect and flawless theory to explain the macroscopic motion. However, when atom and electron were discovered, the interpretation based on classical mechanics would become invalid to explain the high-speed and random motion of the electrons. In this case, to explain the observations that might challenge the existing theories, scientists have to search for new theories constantly.
思考总结 例子解释不清楚也是当时思路不够清楚。再回过头来看修改前后的内容就很明白了

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发表于 2015-8-14 00:46:30 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 晹城 于 2015-8-17 14:47 编辑

[0811] Argument 63

63) The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Parkville Daily newspaper.

"Throughout the country last year, as more and more children below the age of nine participated in youth-league sports, over 40,000 of these young players suffered injuries. When interviewed for a recent study, youth-league soccer players in several major cities also reported psychological pressure exerted by coaches and parents to win games. Furthermore, education experts say that long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities. Since the disadvantages outweigh any advantages, we in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论:The disadvantages outweigh any advantages so that people in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine.
论据1: Over 40,000 of young players below the age of nine suffered injuries last year.
论据2: Youth-league soccer players in several major cities reported psychological pressure exerted by coaches and parents to win games.
论据3: Long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities, according to the education experts.

假设1:大多数的injuries比较严重,对children的生活造成了影响
假设2:在major cities的足球运动员身上产生的压力同样是大多数运动项目所反映出的状况,且符合Parkville的情况
假设3:减少sports所用的时间会用于academic activities上面,且对于children under nine来说,academic上面的成功比sports


The editor recommended that they should discontinue organized athletic competitions for children under nine since the injuries, psychological pressure some young soccer players suffered as well as less time for academic activities. To better assess this argument, there are several assumptions to examine about the degree of injuries, the generalisability of the psychological pressure and the influence on children’s academic performance.

To begin with, it is assumed that the injuries that over 40,000 children suffered are severe enough that could have a bad impact on their lives. As we know, it is common to be hurt when one is playing sports, especially in sports competition. However, most of the injuries are not severe and would not remain permanent hurt to the player, such as scratch. To further evaluate the impact of these injuries, we must examine to what degree these injuries hurt the child and reevaluate this disadvantage of sports competition for children under nine. If the assumption that most of the injuries are severe does not hold true, this disadvantage could not be considered as a reason to cancel athletic competitions for young children.

Furthermore, it is also assumed that the psychological pressure suffered by those young soccer players in some major cities could also be suffered by players of other sports in Parkville. Otherwise, the pressure caused by athletic competitions could only have the impact to a small number of children so that the consequence that the disadvantage of athletic competitions could outweigh any advantage may not be applied in Parkville. On the other hand, psychological pressure might not always mean a bad thing to young children. Psychological pressure that could be solved by the children may help them develop their endurance and the capability of solving problems, which could help them to be successful in the future. Without further study showing that the psychological pressure are suffered by many young players in Parkville and could have a bad impact to them, the recommendation that athletic competitions for young children in Parkville should be canceled could not be accepted.

In addition, the assumption must be reexamined that less time spent on sports competitions means more time used on academic activities and would make the children be more outstanding on their academic area. It might be the situation that instead of playing sports, young children spend their spare time on some other activities such as TV shows and computer games, rather than academic activities. Under the circumstance set above, the support reason to cancel the athletic competitions would not be powerful. Also, for young children, the importance should be evaluated between the health and happiness they could gain from sports and the achievement in academic area. Without further assessing, the conclusion that the disadvantages of athletic competition could outweigh any advantage would not make sense.

In conclusion, there are some assumptions that need to be reexamined about the influence of the injuries, the generalisability of the psychological pressure young players suffered, as well as the time spent on sports. Without any further study, the recommendation that athletic competitions for children under nine should be discontinued could not be reasonable.

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发表于 2015-8-26 15:27:38 |显示全部楼层
[0826] Issue 108

108) Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone who is an expert in that field.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


跟着老师的提纲写的。在练习的过程中一直在积累一些表达,但是收效甚微。后来意识到,学习表达也需要一步一步来。有些用词可能在原作者的语境中非常准确和专业,但自己写作的过程中没办法灵活地用好这些词。所以这篇习作中也有一些是学习 锤先森G330 的。

Works in any given field need to be judged in order to recognize these excellent works and their creators. Some people hold the view that work in any given field has to be judged by experts in that field. Whether this statement hold true should depend on the specific field discussed. In some field like pure mathematics, of which the judgment requires some special knowledge, views should be given by experts; in some field like engineering, which involves more than one field, people from other field, which applied the work, can also give critical judgment; while in the fields such as movie and art, even general public could give the most constructive judgment.

To begin with, if a work requires people who handle the specific knowledge to judge it, judgment from other field could have little value in the development of this field. In some of the pure science such as higher mathematics and theoretical physics, which are more advanced and have not been applied to other field yet, people from other field could hardly give fair and constructive judgments. Judging these works requires the necessary knowledge from this field and only experts in this field have handled the knowledge and have got some relevant experiments.

Furthermore, for a work that involves knowledge from other field or has been applied in other field, judgment from experts not only in the original field could be important to the development of the work. Optimization could be a theory from mathematics, but it has already used in engineering as well as economics. To ensure the work to be implemented successfully, judging the work about optimization requires the knowledge not only from mathematics, experiment form relevant applications in engineering and economics is vital as well. Therefore, for some interdisciplinary works, experts in related fields could give critical judgment too.

In addition, the general public without any specialized training may also judge work in certain fields such as industrial design and movie. If the work is a product that could be used or consumed by numerous customers, the judgment form consumers could be essential for the product makers and designers to improve their products. For instance, Apple ran numerous focus group discussions to collect comments from layperson end users on their design. One of the key principles of user interface design is user-friendliness. In this case, it is vital to get some critical judgment from general public other than the experts.

In conclusion, in some pure science and for the work has not been applied to general use yet, critical judgment from people outside the field could have little value. However, for those work that involves multiple disciplines, judgment from experts of the applied area could also be constructive. Finally, as for some general used work or products, views from general public could have great value to improve the work.

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发表于 2015-9-4 15:21:31 |显示全部楼层
7,8月暂停同主题练习之后,竟有点轻微的曲终人散的伤感。29号的成绩虽然还没出,但考前深觉Verbal还差太多,就很少碰写作了。至于再不再考,想要等到彻底把T解决掉之后再决定。

5月底加入到王老师的写作小组,到现在,深感幸运和感激。当初经过前三周的练习,在T的作文一篇没准备的情况下从22写到了27。不过我最大的收获,大概还是在练习写作过程中学会的一点批判性思考的方法。不管再不再考,写作上我都还会再用心。感谢王老师!也希望王老师科研进行得顺利。

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RE: 晹城 同主题练习习作贴 —— The Road to Writing Well [修改]
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