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[a习作temp] 习作求点评 [复制链接]

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发表于 2015-8-15 18:30:21 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 难得沉默v 于 2015-8-15 18:32 编辑

14&118) The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.118
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


In the argument, the author recommends that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night. To support this recommendation, the argument points out that those advertising firms whose executives need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins faster growth. Although this argument might seem reasonable at first glance, however, it is logically flaw in some respects. The reasons are stated as fallow.
To begin with, samples for the survey should be statistically reliable. Unfortunately, from the survey we found little sign of such procedures, thus doubting whether the respondents constitute a sufficiently large sample so as to be representative of the overall employees and firms. Obviously, the sample of 300 executives all belong to advertising firms is not statistically reliable. So the conclusion that a business should hire only people who need no more than 6 hours for sleeping per night to prosper is highly suspect. As a result, without an evidence that the survey is statically reliable the author can not justifiably draw any conclusion by relying on this survey.
Secondly, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact executives need no more than 6 hours per night and the claim that firms prosper. The argument is unacceptable if there is not compelling evidences to support this connection between the two things. Actually, maybe because the firms is so strong that the executives is too busy in working which make them less sleeping time.
Last but not least important, even if the evidence turns out to support the foregoing assumptions, the author assumes that the firms are inclined to hire people who need no more than 6 hours every night to make the firms prosper, and neither any conclusive scientific evidence nor any anecdotal evidence is provided to affirm this assumption. It is reasonable to doubt that it will not happen in reality. Because maybe more employees need more than 6 hours to sleep per night. And the respondents in this survey are all executives, so maybe it is not adaptable for employees.
In sum, the argument seems logical, but is based on nothing more than pure speculation and, yet lack of some warranted investigation. To strength it, the author needs to evaluate all possible alternatives and provide detail and comprehensive evidence before jumping to the conclusion that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.
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发表于 2015-8-16 20:20:46 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 乱羽乱舞 于 2015-8-16 22:15 编辑

我给你批一批吧,你这样草草贴上来不合要求的。

写作指导为:
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.
然而,你的每一段都没有回应assumption是什么。

In the argument, the author recommends that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night. To support this recommendation, the argument points out that those advertising firms whose executives need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins faster growth. Although this argument might seem reasonable at first glance, however, it is logically flaw in some respects. The reasons are stated as fallow.

"Although this argument might seem reasonable at first glance, however..."前有Although,后面however就是多余的了。  
flaw 可做动词、名词,而你这句"it is logically flaw“语法怎么都不对,”a logical flaw"或者“logically erroneous" 都可以。
"in some respect. The reason are stated as fallow"  "fallow" 是什么。。  主旨句最好概括中间段每段的主题,请好好学习tesolchina老师的1+3模型。


To begin with, samples for the survey should be statistically reliable. Unfortunately, from the survey we found little sign of such procedures, thus doubting whether the respondents constitute a sufficiently large sample so as to be representative of the overall employees and firms. Obviously, the sample of 300 executives all belong to advertising firms is not statistically reliable. So the conclusion that a business should hire only people who need no more than 6 hours for sleeping per night to prosper is highly suspect. As a result, without an evidence that the survey is statically reliable the author can not justifiably draw any conclusion by relying on this survey.

”To begin with, samples for the survey should be statistically reliable." 未回应主题assumption,下同。
"such procedures"前文并未交代,指代不明。
"the sample of 300 executives all belong to...is not..."   句子结构不对,如果the sample是主语从句的主语,主语从句再作主句的主语,谓语动词是is,那么belong应该用第三人称;如果the sample 是主句的主语,那”300 executives“应当用从句或者动词分词形式修饰,"300 executives that all belong to" 或者 ”300 executives belonging to..."
"So the conclusion that a business should hire only people ..."   改为“should only hire..."   
" is highly suspect"跟第一段一个毛病,不能这么用。


Secondly, the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact executives need no more than 6 hours per night and the claim that firms prosper. The argument is unacceptable if there is not compelling evidences to support this connection between the two things. Actually, maybe because the firms is so strong that the executives is too busy in working which make them less sleeping time.

回应主题assumption。
”Actually, maybe because..." 把“because"去掉,清爽一点。
”...firms is so strong“  换成 ”prosperous” or anything else, 就是别用“strong”。
“which make them less sleeping time"   改成 “which makes them sleep less."


Last but not least important, even if the evidence turns out to support the foregoing assumptions, the author assumes that the firms are inclined to hire people who need no more than 6 hours every night to make the firms prosper, and neither any conclusive scientific evidence nor any anecdotal evidence is provided to affirm this assumption. It is reasonable to doubt that it will not happen in reality. Because maybe more employees need more than 6 hours to sleep per night. And the respondents in this survey are all executives, so maybe it is not adaptable for employees.

回应主题了,不错。
”and neither any conclusive scientific evidence nor any anecdotal evidence is provided to affirm this assumption. “  这句前应断句,而且,应该用转折连接词。
”It is reasonable to doubt that it will not happen in reality.“   双重否定等于肯定,你想说什么?


In sum, the argument seems logical, but is based on nothing more than pure speculation and, yet lack of some warranted investigation. To strength it, the author needs to evaluate all possible alternatives and provide detail and comprehensive evidence before jumping to the conclusion that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

”...speculation and, yet lack of..."  又and又yet,乱了
“To strength it”    “To strengthen it"
"the author needs to evaluate all possible alternatives"   "alternatives"指代不明,用”alternative explanation"限定
总结段也应该总述全文主题论点,请好好学习老师的写作指导,练习事半功倍


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发表于 2015-8-17 12:16:42 |显示全部楼层
感谢知道,不过我还想请教一下,你前面说未回应主题assumption,怎么样才算是回应主题了呢?

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发表于 2015-8-17 12:17:28 |显示全部楼层
乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-16 20:20
我给你批一批吧,你这样草草贴上来不合要求的。

写作指导为:

感谢指导,不过我还想请教一下,你前面说未回应主题assumption,怎么样才算是回应主题了呢?

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发表于 2015-8-17 14:34:47 |显示全部楼层
难得沉默v 发表于 2015-8-17 12:17
感谢指导,不过我还想请教一下,你前面说未回应主题assumption,怎么样才算是回应主题了呢?

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1481123-1-1.html
看看这篇范文,写作指导是找evidence,文章主旨句处处回应evidence关键词。

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