模考之习作，求回改

无极仙道UID：3592856

原题：The following is a letter to the head of the tourism bureau on the island of Tria.

"Erosion of beach sand along the shores of Tria Island is a serious threat to our island and our tourist industry. In order to stop the erosion, we should charge people for using the beaches. Although this solution may annoy a few tourists in the short term, it will raise money for replenishing the sand. Replenishing the sand, as was done to protect buildings on the nearby island of Batia, will help protect buildings along our shores, thereby reducing these buildings' risk of additional damage from severe storms. And since beaches and buildings in the area will be preserved, Tria's tourist industry will improve over the long term."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

求改的习作：

In the letter,the author propound that Tria should charge people for using beaches to raise enough money to replenish the sand so as to protect buildings along shores to implement a long term improvement in Tria's tourist industry.
However,there are a several flaws.
  First of all,charging people can derive other results than gaining enough money.For example,tourists may choose other similar places to take a vocation,for instance,Batia island.The author of the letter should provide evidence that Tria's financial condition will get better due to the charging policy.
  In addition,the efficacy of replenishing sand to protect buildings in Batia is not  shown.Even if it's effective in Batia,it might be useless in Tria.To improve his or her argument,the author should prove that replenishing sand is effective enough to keep buildings in Tria from additional damage from severe storms.
  Now let's presume that charging from beaches users could raise enough money  and replenishing sand is quite effective for buildings' protection.There's a problem that tourists might not come here for safer buildings and replenished beaches.The author need to give proof that replenishing sands is necessary to get a tourist industry improve.
  Even if the flaws mentioned above could all be solved,what if the economic loss of tourists loss due to charging policy and sand fees surpass the increasing gain from new tourists appealed to Tria?Evidence that there will be an improvement of tourist industry due to tourists' over all increasing would be essential to improve the author's argument.

这篇感觉最后的例子举得不是很好但是又不知道怎么改……，另外，不知道这种写法算不算回应了题目要求。（如果要，improvement ，就需要XXXevidence）

无极仙道UID：3592856

以及，这篇是argument，还没看完写作指导，不知道要不要用tesolchina老师的1+3模型(知道issue要用）……

难得沉默vUID：3596023

虽然我是菜鸟，还是来点评一下吧，希望能互相点评：
首先：你的字数太少了，200+的字数肯定不行
In the letter,the author propound that Tria should charge people for using beaches to raise enough money to replenish the sand so as to protect buildings along shores to implement a long term improvement in Tria's tourist industry.
第一段陈述文章观点
However,there are a several flaws.
a要去掉，这段只是说明文章存在缺陷，建议和第一段并在一起
First of all,charging people can derive other results than gaining enough money.For example,tourists may choose other similar places to take a vocation,for instance,Batia island.The author of the letter should provide evidence that Tria's financial condition will get better due to the charging policy.
这里用了than，但是并不存在比较级结构，建议改成rather than，而且，这里的can 用的过于肯定，建议改成may，前面用了for example,不建议后面用for instance,改成like,such as 之类的。还有，这一段是说收费不一定牟利，那你应该第一句写出分论点，也就是作者观点，然后再写你这段的最后一句。文章存在结构问题
In addition,the efficacy of replenishing sand to protect buildings in Batia is not  shown.Even if it's effective in Batia,it might be useless in Tria.To improve his or her argument,the author should prove that replenishing sand is effective enough to keep buildings in Tria from additional damage from severe storms.
此段同没有写明分论点，his or her 可以改成this之类的代词
Now let's presume that charging from beaches users could raise enough money  and replenishing sand is quite effective for buildings' protection.There's a problem that tourists might not come here for safer buildings and replenished beaches.The author need to give proof that replenishing sands is necessary to get a tourist industry improve.
此段同没有分论点，另外，你要说明即使收费可以挣钱和保护建筑物，游客也可能不会来的原因或例子，你这里什么都没写结构不太完整
Even if the flaws mentioned above could all be solved,what if the economic loss of tourists loss due to charging policy and sand fees surpass the increasing gain from new tourists appealed to Tria?Evidence that there will be an improvement of tourist industry due to tourists' over all increasing would be essential to improve the author's argument.
老实说这段话我没看懂在写什么，不过这既然是最后一段，写个总结就好了



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