哪位大神能帮我看看我写的作文怎么样？谢谢啦！！

Candywang0121UID：3575394

Topic:Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extend would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the culture development of your society.

It seems to be endless debate about the advantages and disadvantages of television, especially the effects it has on national cultures. Some people who consider television as an ideal method to learn cultures believe that people can benefit various cultures and values from television viewing. In my opinion, the priority is to make optimal use of  television and receive knowledge from it.
The first point to note is that television viewing can bridge multinational cultures’ gap and enable people worldwide to be exposed to different foreign environment. It would be no exaggeration to say that our social process cannot develop so rapidly without the invention of television. It increases the chance of acquiring foreign cultures, which countries can learn the advantages from global areas. Another fact to bear in mind is that television programmes (especially language tunnels)can provide a method for viewers to learn English or other languages. It not only declines the cost of living on study fees, but also increases people’s communication skills with foreigners.
Despite the convenience and importance of television on citizens’ daily life and learning languages, it also has some negative influences. It is fair to say that exposure to extensive television viewing will decrease students’ concentration on learning tasks, a problem causing declining test grades. Parents also have the  fear that their children who are access to excessive violent content of television programmes may deal with conflicts by offences, instead of non-violent methods. This will lead to commiting crimes and adverse implications on social order. Another problem is that people of one country imitate other countries’ lifestyles and values, resulting in the lack of cultural identity of their own country. This problem can undermine the cultures and the values, which can hinder the development of national culture.
To summarise,when considering the effects of television, some programmes should be checked regularly by related departments. It is worth emphasizing that television viewing does have some positive impacts and broaden people’s horizon.

爱秋天的SUID：3663107

楼主我也不是大牛，而且我才刚开始接触雅思。我的理解对于大作文就是无论什么样的观点，只要充分清楚的表达出来，把自己的故事写出来，有逻辑性就好。至于用高级词汇，句型都是add on bonus，当然同样的句子说来说去会让读的人觉得无聊就是了。读完你的文章我个人觉得的问题：

1 长句子结构有问题，尤其是两个长句在第一段，直接把印象分拉下去了，会给人觉得这作者英文水平一般。所以如果不能确定是对的，就不要用，武器用不好会爆露弱点

2 第二段的展开不够，感觉说来说去就是一件事，读到后面有匆匆下结论的感觉
3 怪怪的词汇搭配，例如global areas，language tunnels （CHANNEL)， national cultures,

不过能看出来已经很用心，语法大部分没问题，除了有个别长句子读起来比较费力。我觉得需要长期努力的方向不在语言本身在文章结构和展开，不要总是想着华丽辞藻和句型，偶尔有一个两个出来点睛就够了，用多了尤其是用不对反而出力不讨好