Argument一篇，求改

一个人瑶啊瑶UID：3664584

The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site. 
"The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons. First of all, the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age levels; there is no audition to attend the school. Second, the school offers instruction in nearly all musical instruments as well a wide range of styles and genres from classical to rock. Third, the faculty includes some of the most distinguished musicians in the area. Finally, many Mozart graduates have gone on to become well-known and highly paid professional musicians." 
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted. 


    There is an advertisement post on website persuades parents to send their child to the Mozart School of Music. The advertisement lists lots of reason. At first glance, it seems reasonable and convincible. However, those reason cannot be considered carefully.

    The first reason that advertisement gives us is that the Mozart School welcomes all youngsters whatever their skill level or age level and they do not have audition. The condition looks good but is such easy condition benefit to music learner? I do not think so. Not everyone has gift on music and not everyone has interest in music. Mostly, child have to listen to the order by their parents, especially in Asian family. Under the circumstance that parents want their child to learn music however the child does not have such gift or he does not interest in music, if such child is sent to the Mozart School of Music or whatever music school, he will dislike music. No one can insist on the field they are not interested in. Besides, the age level is also important to music learner. It is impossible for a little child to learn music well since he cannot control himself at so little age. Thus, the condition looks good but not chary.

    Moreover, the advertisement mentioned that the faculty has some of the most excellent musicians in the area. There is no resource of rank of the musician in this area provided. How people know about those musicians are most excellent is need to be considered. This compelling condition lacks evidence to support the truth of it.

    Same as the last condition, it also lacked resource or evidence. We do not know where they get those information. We do not know which "well-known" musician is graduated from the Mozart School of Music. Besides, the definition of "highly paid" is not clear enough. We do not see any detailed information about the pay. How much pay can be defined as highly pay is need to be given. If the cost of life in this area is high, even by being paid high salary, it cannot guarantee those graduates to live a good life.

    To sum up, although conditions of enrolling in the Mozart School of Music seems comely. Parents have to consider it carefully and avoid to send their children to the school in blind.

岳然UID：3654715

1. 注意语法，第一句persuades应为persuading，child最好改为children，这样的错误文章中还有不少。虽然说AW不是考语言，但这总归会给评卷人造成不好的印象。

2. 注意用词，不要太口语化……诸如the condition looks good啊之类……还有很多词我不知道你想表达什么意思，比如倒数第二第三段的condition。

3. 注意题目要求，题目问的是assumption，你就紧扣题目写这个argument里有什么assumption。

4. 关于内容，我觉得第二点不是很有说服力，不如说excellent musicians不一定是excellent teachers.

5. 关于论证，主要的问题是不够cohesive&coherent，想到一句是一句，句子和句子间联系不足。

我的建议：先不要急着写全文，单独练怎么开头，怎么论证。

一个人瑶啊瑶UID：3664584

岳然 发表于 2015-10-21 05:01
1. 注意语法，第一句persuades应为persuading，child最好改为children，这样的错误文章中还有不少。虽然说A ...

好的，请问有没有好的sample供参考？

岳然UID：3654715

一个人瑶啊瑶 发表于 2015-10-21 23:01
好的，请问有没有好的sample供参考？

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