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[文书写作] STANFORD的教授给我的PS建议,希望对大家有所启示 [复制链接]

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发表于 2006-5-28 11:09:31 |显示全部楼层
Allright Snower…

I looked at your essay and I feel there is a wealth of good experience for you to draw from in here.  However I also feel that you present your experiences more from a quantitative point of view, sort of telling us the WHAT and HOW of what has happened to you over the years, but neglecting on the WHY.   

I have a few main points to make and then I’ll focus on specific issues.

1) This essay needs to be tailored to the particular university you are applying to. YOU can’t just do a

“And finally I have the confidence to apply for the esteemed University of _______ because your program in Educational Administration attracts me with its strong faculty and its nurturing academic atmosphere.”

sort of thing and expect to get in to these schools.  This is not one size fits all.  There will be similar elements for all the essays, but you should make sure:

1.        your essay addresses their question. Many of the questions are the same, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes different schools want completely different essays. So, YOU NEED TO DECIDE ON WHICH SCHOOLS YOU’RE APPLYING TO AND SEND ME THE EXACT QUESTION ALONG W/ YOUR ESSAY(S)
2.        You have a section in the essay that shows why you’re a “GOOD FIT” for their program. GOOD FIT – remember these words, b/c they are 2 of the most important words regarding getting into graduate school. All programs are looking for students who are a good fit. So, find programs you fit into and be able to tell them how you fit in.  You can get a sense for some of this by reading the school brochures.
3.        Know the language of these schools so you can hit upon some key terminology. Don’t copy it obviously b/c they hate that, but be familiar. Once again you can find this sort of thing in the brochures. They want to see that you’ve done your “homework” and know what you’re talking about.   

2)Your essay reads more like a resume than a descriptive essay. Once again, you need to speak more to the WHY and less to the WHAT. Some of the WHAT is ok, but you need to cut back, b/c you can only talk about some of your experiences, but you should do so w/ greater depth perhaps. Your resume will show the wealth of experience you have.

3) BE BOLD!!! From the first line of the essay you show restraint and modesty.  I know it may be tough to do anything else and that you’re trained to do this, but I don’t get a sense of WHY you want to some to graduate school.  You make it sound like you’ve just fallen into it for no particular reason other than that many of your friends have asked you “why not graduate school?”  This is not a good enough reason.  

You need to display a clear VISION of WHY you want to go and WHY you’re a good fit, WHAT you can contribute (b/c from their point of view they want an entering class w/ a lot to contribute and a diverse set of characteristics) and WHAT you hope to get out of it.

VISION is the key word here.


--------------------

Specific Critiques:

•        You say :         
There is one favorable voice running through my primary and high school years ---“a student with excellent records” that I have been always regarded as. Later it becomes clear that students who have done well in their exams and homework are concerned to be excellent. Furthermore, because of this, some so-called excellent students can even escape the punishment from their teacher for breaking the school disciplines. Here comes another point that students who are not good at school work definitely cannot be excellent, what’s worse, they pay more for their misbehavior against the rules. We all know it is unreasonable however we ignore it. In 1998, I entered ××U---one of the “211 Project” National Key Universities---where I saw a lot of all-round excellent students. In this huge group which amounted to more than 20,000 people, I met different type of excellent guys from whom I learned much. Here, I discovered the real concept of being excellent. During the four years I learned a lot not only from my text books but from the books related to western culture of English-speaking countries and literature works in my spare time.
When you use the word “excellent” I’m not sure what you mean by it, especially when you say you learned the real concept of excellent.  Unfortunately this word is hackneyed and it has too many connotations so that it is not really an effective word anymore.  I think what is most important in this passage is when you realized that value was not as much in your grades but in the exchange of new and different concepts, this kind of exposure. (I don’t know if this is what you’re getting at.)  Anyway, take away the word excellent and develop the ideas around what changed for you when you entered college.
•        Mentioning that professor Hong Liu finished your letter in a week is not necessary. The letter will speak for itself. I think if you mention other people in your essay it should relate to key changes or developments w/ in you that pertain to or help them get a sense of why you are applying to grad school now.
•        The table you include should likely be cut out. I don’t think that’d go over so well. Again, that information should be included in your resume.
•        When you say :
“This summer changed me a lot, not only the impressive teaching expertise of the American teachers but also their original and unique teaching methodology. What’s more, I came to realize that education should be dominated by advanced concepts, assisted by effective teaching strategies, both of which are vitally important for bringing out great social benefit from education. First time, personally, teaching could be fun rather than serious!”
Talk more about why teaching became fun to you. You have something here again about a type of transformation. You should highlight these types of moments and go deeper w/ them.   
•        You mention :
“Lifelong education for adults is increasingly important in the 21st century internationally and the problems faced by Chinese adults today call for changes in our social, economic, and political system.”
Focus on why it is important and be prepared to discuss what strikes you at your core about this issue.

Snower, you have a lot to work w/, but you also have a lot of editing down and focusing in to do.  Also you need to remember that the length limits of each essay will put boundaries around this.  You will only be able to talk about so much, so you need to decide what is most important.  
I have to go, but I’ll expect a second draft(s) w/ accompanying questions soon.
You have a lot of work ahead of you, but I have complete confidence that you can accomplish your goal.  
I’ll talk to you soon. Please approrach me w/ any questions you have.
Good luck
-Greg
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已有 19 人评分寄托币 声望 收起 理由
offer2327 + 1 感谢分享
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总评分: 寄托币 + 10  声望 + 23   查看全部评分

Call me asshole.

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发表于 2006-5-28 11:11:08 |显示全部楼层
3ks

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Scorpio天蝎座 荣誉版主 QQ联合登录

发表于 2006-5-28 13:39:14 |显示全部楼层
thanks for sharing

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发表于 2006-5-28 13:44:28 |显示全部楼层
很受益,多谢

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Golden Apple

发表于 2006-5-28 14:23:09 |显示全部楼层
ding
相濡以沫不如相忘于江湖~~

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荣誉版主

发表于 2006-5-28 16:24:44 |显示全部楼层
好东西,顶!


飞起来的时候幸福的感觉就来了!

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发表于 2006-5-28 16:41:36 |显示全部楼层
thanks a lot

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发表于 2006-5-28 20:58:29 |显示全部楼层
这教授为啥对你这么好,肯花这么多时间来回你的信、帮你挑毛病的?
估计看上你了,加油吧^_^

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发表于 2006-5-28 22:14:47 |显示全部楼层
谢啦,收藏

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发表于 2006-5-29 09:13:52 |显示全部楼层
是啊~这个教授真不错哦~

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发表于 2006-5-29 09:27:00 |显示全部楼层
不错。顶你
DECLINE:ALL

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发表于 2006-5-30 08:09:01 |显示全部楼层
提示: 作者被禁止或删除 内容自动屏蔽

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发表于 2006-5-30 10:06:56 |显示全部楼层
看上你了
我想起小的时候有一种骄傲,那是自尊没办法教;我想起小的时候有一种味道 ,那是回忆在发酵
[img][/img]

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发表于 2006-5-30 10:56:31 |显示全部楼层
how nice the professor is!
you are a lucky dog! ^_^
NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE

IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING

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发表于 2006-5-31 03:00:10 |显示全部楼层
这个教授是LZ亲戚?

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