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[活动] 【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】1.25号作业 by 水晶小鱼 [复制链接]

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荣誉版主 US Applicant QQ联合登录 备考先锋 IBT Smart Libra天秤座

发表于 2009-1-25 21:33:18 |显示全部楼层
Recently, there is a fierce debate over whether governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics between people. Some people hold the opinion that art can deeply influence our life so it is significant to sponsor art but others argues that the supporting the development of athletics will do good to citizens’ health and also bring glory to a nation. So it is the time that we explore this hot debase.

As far as I’m concerned, I agree with the former group for the following reasons.

Supporting the business of art will improve people’s life spiritually. For example, if the government spends a large sum of money to those eminent but poor writers and painters surely will bring us many interesting and meaningful masterpieces like the famous dove that painted by Pablo Picasso and Pride and Prejudice written by Jane Austen. Those productions of art give shock to people’s heart and they love them, appreciating those masterpieces just like an ablution of your mind. Our citizens will learn and get a lot from them. I have read the great novel-Gone with the wind and I admire Scarlet, the heroine in it, I learned from this character that you should never lose you hope whenever and whatever, you should cheer up and move on, any way, tomorrow is another day.

Moreover, funding art business is not a one-way out business for government; it will be beneficial to nation’s economy as well. For example, subsidizing the filmdom will help to bring us hundreds of excellent films hence will stimulate residents to go to cinema and buy the tickets. Furthermore, if funding can make art flourishing in our country then certainly millions of tourists will be attracted to here. And this will fuel economic growth and increase the occupation increase.

Admittedly, sponsoring athletics is also significant, and our athletes winning championships in world competitions will help to raise nation’s status in the world and encouraging citizens to exercise everyday will make them healthier. But compared with the enormous influence that art can bring to our daily life, art definitely deserves more money.

首次习作,感觉后两段写得非常不好,欢迎拍砖,帮我提提建议啊~
辛苦了:)
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荣誉版主 AW活动特殊奖 IBT Zeal IBT Elegance

发表于 2009-1-25 23:40:09 |显示全部楼层
赞勤奋~~加分
在那山地那边海地那边有一群蓝精灵
他们活泼又聪明

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发表于 2009-1-27 20:31:56 |显示全部楼层
Recently, there is a fierce debate over whether governments should spend more money in sponsoring arts than athletics between people. Some people hold the opinion that art can deeply influence our life so it is significant to sponsor art but others argues that the supporting the development of athletics will do good to citizens’ health and also bring glory to a nation. So it is the time that we explore this hot debase.

As far as I’m concerned, I agree with the former group for the following reasons.
很标准的四六级式开头,不能说不好,但总觉得这种类型不适合拿来写T。嗯,然后句法和词汇都挺好。另As far as…这一句应该是在第一段里的吧?
Supporting the business of art will improve people’s life spiritually. For example, if the government spends a large sum of money to those eminent but poor writers and painters surely will bring us many interesting and meaningful masterpieces like the famous dove that painted by Pablo Picasso and Pride and Prejudice written by Jane Austen. Those productions of art give shock to people’s heart and they love them, appreciating those masterpieces just like an ablution of your mind. Our citizens will learn and get a lot from them. I have read the great novel-Gone with the wind and I admire Scarlet, the heroine in it, I learned from this character that you should never lose you hope whenever and whatever, you should cheer up and move on, any way, tomorrow is another day.. R; |) Z' x$ Q3 C2 e
感觉举例不是太合适,因为好的艺术作品不是有钱支持就可以弄出来的吧,个人认为不如从艺术教育宣传方面说明在艺术方面投入可以有更多好的艺术作品。中间那一句的they love them最好改成被动,和前面一致,后面那半句不是很懂你想表达什么。
Moreover, funding art business is not a one-way out business for government; it will be beneficial to a/the nation’s economy as well. For example, subsidizing the filmdom will help to bring us hundreds of excellent films hence will stimulate residents to go to cinema and buy the tickets. Furthermore, if funding can make art flourishing in our country then certainly millions of tourists will be attracted to here. And this will fuel economic growth and increase the occupation (increase).
从内容和语法上来说这段基本没什么问题,不过个人认为可以再做进一步说明,比如卖出去的票多了后面就应该补一句从而促进了经济发展,等等。
Admittedly, sponsoring athletics is also significant, and our athletes winning championships in world competitions will help to raise the nation’s status in the world and encouraging citizens to exercise everyday will make them healthier. But compared with the enormous influence that art can bring to our daily life, art definitely deserves more money.! P- |3 r8
两个and的并列关系不是那么充分,建议分成两句写。最后一句的转折有点小突兀。
总体感觉语法单词上没什么问题,至少我没看出什么问题。但是感觉内容上有点小问题,逻辑不是很强。不过据说T不重逻辑的说。另外就是四六级作文的痕迹很重,建议再多看看T的范文。
水平有限,仅供参考。

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