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[i习作temp] 异常怪异的第一次写作(记录贴) [复制链接]

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发表于 2009-3-17 00:50:05 |显示全部楼层
1.
因为是第一次正式写,所以发上来,看有过经验的同学是不是感觉差不多

2.
ISSUE
时间:1小时
题目:
"No field of study can advance significantly unless outsiders bring their knowledge and experience to that field of study."

完成情况概述:
说实话挺紧张,题不知道看了多久才大概明白说的是个什么意思,看懂了也不知道该怎么写,觉得自己脑子里什么都没有,完全是半傻状况。最终写下了一堆废话,废话还没有写完。如下(标记部分是自己的初步较错):


I disagree with the anthor's claim that all fields of study could get little advance unless outsiders bring their knowledge and experience to these fields. In all of the world, originality and creativity is the essential power which propel the process of study. I concede that, however, the outside knowledge and experience also play an important role in all respects.

The following are 3 reasons to strgenth my assertion:

The claim has not essential support when it comes to the scientific realm. It is the originality and creativity which play an fundamental role in
physics, mathematics, biologics, economics, and so forth. For instance, the Gratinization is the result of Newton's day and night study.

When the claim come to the economical realm, the problems arise. Cpitalism and Socilism each has its idealism and operative methods.

The ression of USA maybe the best example of it.
As the 华尔街。。。free-market idealism was questioned by all kinds of people including consultants and experts. Even there was an voice which suggest the Cpitalism country begin to learn some good experience form China. But whatever steps the US would take, Uncle Sam is still a Captalism country in short time--which is the essential of the country.

The claim has also infront of kinds of questions when it comes to the entertainment area. As the globlization becomes more and more comprehensively, the entertainment in all of the world have began to learn each other. Kungfu is the best typical example of this phenomenon. In the past time, Kungfu was originated form China and was full of the wisdom and culture of Chinese what everybody can touch less or more from the constumes, the conservations, and spirits. In today's Hollywood, Kungfu is be used so widely and deeply in lots of films as an attactive fators. In this extent, can we have a conclusion that Hollywood had not great advance before Kungfu which was another knowledge was be brought into films? Of course not. Hollywood is the most developed film product place everybody acknowledges.

The author's argument that the outside knowledge and experience far overweights other factors... The fact cannot be neglect that the knowledge and experience which new to somebody is just the results of originality and creativity of others .

In sum, the outsiders' knowledge and experience indeed brought all the fields of study lots of benefits which make the study get more comprehensive and 多元性. Neverthless, the originality and creativity is essetial power to make study construct its idealism, theory, and operative methods.

对自己的分解过程如下:

没有抓住题目的重点,反而又寻找了一个载体,而这个载体又需要新的论证
没想好框架,只会比较型的分区法
重新分解:
1、抽象类题目——只需分析几个特例
2outsiders=advance\outsiders #advance
3、例1hollywood vs. kungfu
4、例2recession vs. socialism
- - 看完范文之后,还是觉得不理解题目,所以跑题了。。。
Field of study 研究领域
Outsiders 该领域之外的
我的例子,事实上还是在同一个研究领域内,不同地区不同的人得出的不一样结果罢了,这是该领域内流派\个人的互相借鉴
电影工业:hollywoodhongkong
政治思想体系:capitalismsocialism

如果让我重新写。。。
确实是立一法比较简单啊
角度:knowledge of a specific field is the essential; outsiders’ knowledge and experience play an more and more important role in the modern-contemporary world.
例子:
political area
on the survey, computer+communication… obama’s election
         entertainment realm
psychological
engineertechnological



3.
Argument
题目:
The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.

"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."
时间:45分钟
完成情况:咬着时间写完的,觉得还比较顺。但是全篇遣词造句也好例子也好没什么技术含量。还落掉了一个错误。但总体比issue要好太多。
如下(带修改):

The author's proposition that Deerhaven Acres should adopt some restrictions on landscaping and housepainting is based on the following reasons: (1)Brookville community's average property valuse have tripled than 7 years ago; (2)Brookville adopted a set of restrictions on the community's yards 7 years ago. There are several logic flaws in the claim which make the author's conclusion unpersuasive. :(This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.)

缺失:
the implementation of the restrictions.
If the residents in Brookville had not implemented the restrictions, the increase in average property values cannot be attributed to them.

First of all, was there a 必然的relations between the restricisons on landscaping and housepainting and average property values in Brookville? 优:(the committee relies on the additional assumption that this course of action was responsible for the increase in Brookville’s property values.In fact, there are lots of possible factors which prompt average property values. Perhaps the population in Brookville community had
became more and more density and
the price of the earth in there had became more and more expensive in the past 7 years. Without ruling anymore convincing evidences that average property valuse have tripled than 7 years ago just because of the restrictions on houses in Brookville, I cannot accept the author's claim.
关于供求部分可以借鉴的:
Property values are a function of supply and demand. Perhaps the demand for housing in the area has increased due to an influx of major employers. Or, perhaps the supply of housing has decreased. Either scenario would provide an alternative explanation for the increase in property values.

Even Brookville's average property values have had an increase
because of the restricions, would it be a good idea to copy the restrictions which adopted 7 years ago?
Potential homebuyers might have aethstical and awareness are abosutely different from the residents 7 years ago. And the other problem is that the restrictions worked out in Brookville but not in Deerhave Acres. There are entirely possible factors which would not bring about the same result to D such as the different environment, the buildings and so forth.
优:
Fails to consider possible differences between B and D that might help to bring about a different result for D.
Without accounting for these and other possible dissimilarities, the committee cannot assume that what resulted in rising property values in B would bring about the same result in D.

Even the conditions of Deerhaven Acres now are indeed similar with ones of Brookville 7 years ago, we cannot make sure that adopting the restrictions on landscaping and housepainting would be the best effective way to increase the average property values. Perhaps some other economical measures would more effectiveness. For instance, the community can organize the homeowners to rent more houses to the employers and students. After all, the authour have to show more convincing evidences that adopting restricitions is the best effective way than any others and that the committee would take his steps to work it out.: the committee would take steps to work the restricitions out well.

In sum, the author's claim is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster the
recommendation, the author should provide the following: (1) the
statistics records and relevant analysis about average property values in Brookville; (2) an
analysis about the differences between Brookville and Deerhave Acres; and (3) other measures for
increasing average property values, from which we can determine which measure is of the best worthy.

总结的东西:
总结:
1、作为recommendation,为达成相同结果,大多会借鉴别人的成功之路
2、借鉴的措施时间和地点
3、借鉴的措施的实际操作情况
4、借鉴的措施所产生的实际结果与作者所想的结果之间的差异
5、其它的可能性措施


4.
大总结
issue真的要去分析题目,熟悉常用的论证方法
argument的遣词造句问题
例子的搜集问题

                                                      ——by 张小条 09.03.17
已有 1 人评分寄托币 收起 理由
grekokomo + 20 谢谢分享

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发表于 2009-3-17 23:09:18 |显示全部楼层
我完了。。。
03.17实在太糟糕。。。
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发表于 2009-3-17 23:15:37 |显示全部楼层
03.17习作

1.
时间照旧。
1 hour & 45 minutes。

2.
ISSUE7
"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."
WORDS: 375          TIME: 01:00:00          DATE: 2009-3-17 22:31:57

Does the video camera play a more important role than literally record in the document aspect? (没有转折段)I agree with this claim almostly. However, there is another face of the mirror.(真是错得一塌糊涂的表述。。。Every coin has two sides)
评价:一塌糊涂的开头,因为是最后写的。没时间了。

The chief reason for my agreement with the author's claim is based on the nature of the video camera. As everybody knows, the basic figure function of the video camera is document the affairs or events accurately. In modern-contemporary social, accurate record from video camera was the best convincing evidence which can explain what happened in the past time. For instance, in a court, the judge and the jury absolutely would get more convincing information from the video than the written record. After all, the video copy procedure of any affairs by its operate figure.
评价:没有意义+词不达意

I fundamentally agree with the claim have to do with that in current world accurae and convincing record has become more and more important and essential. That is the reason why the video camera had been used so widely and commonly. Almost all the politician and historical events became vividly sine the video camera had been invented. We can learn the apperence and guests of leaders of US such as ED.R from video, but only image Linkon's face according to the written records. We can get the impression of The Second War of the World from video, but only postulate what really happened in The First War of the World. The true documentation of the history make human-beings introspect more deeply. And the same consequences would be come up with in the educational、scientifical、psycological areas.
评价:比第一段稍微好那么一点点。有例子了。但是有嫌疑与第一段说同样的内容。

However, written record for documentation has also played its own role in all respects. Because the use of video camera have some conditions, such as the battery or electric、environment and so forth, it cannot be used wherever or whenever. Wheras, literally document would be responsible for any kind of condition. The results of this nature is that written record is the best widely used method of document.
评价:废话一堆。。。

In sum, I almost agree with the assertion that the video camera record is more important than written record. Actually, in the modern life, either the video camera record or written document plays its own role which make people learn the happened or happening events more comprehensive、accurate and erudite.
评价:可能是最好的一段儿?

3.
ARGUMENT17
The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Walnut Grove town newspaper.

"Walnut Grove's town council has advocated switching from EZ Disposal (which has had the contract for trash collection services in Walnut Grove for the past ten years) to ABC Waste, because EZ recently raised its monthly fee from $2,000 to $2,500 a month, whereas ABC's fee is still $2,000. But the town council is mistaken; we should continue using EZ. EZ collects trash twice a week, while ABC collects only once. Moreover, EZ-which, like ABC, currently has a fleet of 20 trucks-has ordered additional trucks. Finally, EZ provides exceptional service: 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were 'satisfied' with EZ's performance."
WORDS: 295          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2009-3-17 22:31:57

The author recommend in his letter that Walnut Grove' town(WG) council should continue using EZ for trash collection. To boslter the assertion, he\she cites several facts and stastics. However, after a close scrutiny of the assertion, I could not accept the point of the author.

The town council indicated that EZ raised its monthly fee from 2000 dollars to 2500 dollars a month. The  And the author’s first reason of for the author's recommendation is EZ collects trash twince a week while AB C collects only once. The town council indicated that EZ raised its monthly fee from 2000 dollars to 2500 dollars a month. The author cannt did not show any facts  assure that twice collection would lend more value than once collection to the residents in WG. Perhaps residents can dispose their trash just in one collection. Is that a fairly counterpart between the raised fee and the frequency of trash collection? The author should give more convincing evidence to persuade me.

The same logic flaws is about the quantity of trucks. More evidence have to be shown that the more trucks a company has, the more values residents in WG would get. Even EZ have more trucks, that trucks would not be sure to used in collection in WG. Without ruling out relevant stastics  statistics and analysis, I would not accept the assertion.

At the last of the letter, the author cites an statistics stastic form  from EZ which showed that 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey satisfied with EZ's service. It is entirely possible that the so-called "satisifierrespondants" were more willing to respond the survey than others.

In sum, the assertion is not persuasive as it stands. To strength the recommendation, the author should provide the following: (1) the actual need for trash collection frequency of residents in EG; (2) the possible consequences that EZ's more trucks would bring to; and (3) the concrete statistics and analysis about the EZ's survey.

4.
big big problems
A。多出15分钟时间还是不够。然后字数都少了。
B。Issue较之上次有质的飞跃,因为勉强算是写完了!审题也算是清楚。
    问题在:中文不知道写什么,英文不知道怎么写。。。god,天大的打击。。。
C。Agument没上次写得爽。没感觉了还是怎么滴。用来用去都是那几个词。

5.
改进:
A。Issue
    开始背牛*的词和句子。搜例子。
B。Argument
    背牛*的句子。
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发表于 2009-3-18 22:59:44 |显示全部楼层
今天是很憔悴而后豁然开朗的一天
在gter上看了太多的资料和习作,而后自己又实在是太烂,所以头昏脑胀觉得自己不行了
然后看到了seven大人关于不牛人的牛作
然后老娘终于回归正途了:
用英文写论文那tm是考完然后出去了的事儿,现在的事儿,找个省时省力的捷径把gre的分数考好就行。
TMD就这样了。

以后argu每天照练。
至于issue,等我背完范文再说。

3.18 argument (没改)
TOPIC: ARGUMENT38 - The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.

"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."
WORDS: 393          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2009-3-18 22:50:04

The author in the newsletter recommends that using lchthaid daily, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, would be an efficient way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism in schools and workplaces. To bolster his assertion, he cites some relevant study and makes some assumptions. After a close scrutiny, the recommendation is not unpersuasive as it stands.

First of all, there are some logic problems in the cited study. The study points out that in East Meria where fish consumption is very high, residents visit the doctor only once or twice per year of colds. So the author make a conclusion that eating lots of fish can prevent colds. Obviosly the study does not give any scientific evidence and statistics to support it. There are possible other fators which would cause the same result. Perhaps the climate and the environment of East Meria make people more healthy rather than eating fish. Moreover, the author fails to give an analysis about the difference between the East Meria and West Meris which can substantiate the same result will come by eating fish.

Another problem appeared in the recommendation is that the evidence for the relationship of colds and the absenteeism in West Meria's schools and workplaces is too weak. Without ruling out more relevant survey and analysis, I could not agree with the author's presumption.

Even eating fish plays a important role in people's healthy and colds is the reason of the absences of West Meria, the author's recommendation about using lochthaid daily is unwarranted too. The only information about lchthaid we can get from the assertion is it is refined from fish oil. Does the fish oil is the fundamental factor which prevent the colds? The author has to show more evidence to surport it. Moreover, the author does not sustantiate that eating lchthaid would be the best efficient way to prevent the frequently absenteeism and there are lots of other ways to lower the absenteeism.

In sum, the recommendation is unconvincing. To strength it, the author should provide more information including the following: (1) a more concrete study about the relevance between eating fish and keeping fit; (2) a scientifical study about colds and absence's relationship; and (3) an analysis of the lchthaid. It is also helpful to obtain more opinion of relevant institutions and individuls who are acquainted with the absenteeism .
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发表于 2009-3-18 23:13:39 |显示全部楼层
楼主乱可爱的~什么时候考啊?

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