新g issue 3 二次修改 求拍~
本帖最后由 ykhjy 于 2012-1-18 12:42 编辑3) Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
The statement claims that educational institutions are responsible for students' success, and they should dissuade students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed. At first, one problem should be solved that what means success? The statement seems to assume that success is explained by the contribution levels that one makes. Since talented persons who can make contribution to the society can be fostered through education, educational institutions actually have responsibility for students' success. On one hand, education can affect students' value of life, which have something to do with one's success; on the other hand, students can learn numerous skills from education, which directly affect students' success.
Through dissuading students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed, more students can be leaded to a success way, and thus they can make more contribution to the society. For instance, a student, who is not good at math, educational institutions should dissuade him pursuit the fields which have high requirement for math such as financial fields.
However, of course, it is a success to make contribution to the society, to realize one's own value of life can be another success. And educational institutions should define their own assignment which is to explore how to aid and manage teaching, rather than interfering students' choice. There is a relationship between students' pursuit of study's fields in which they may fail in and their thought about their own value of life: some believe their value of life is pursuing knowledge and be desire to satisfy their curiosities; some consider to challenge various unknown fields, devoting themselves for science... Since students have the right to choose education, educational institutions should respect students' own interest and mind, offering equal educational resources.
In addition, students don't necessarily fail in those fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed. Take Hu Ba yi who is a famous mathematician as an example. Since many times he got zero in math exams when he was a little boy, it seems that he was unlikely to succeed in math field of study, and if educational institutions dissuade him from pursuing of this field, he may not become such a celebrated mathematician.
[将三四段位置调了下，突出我对成功的看法。]
In conclusion, rather than dissuading students not to pursuit fields of study where are unlikely to succeed, educational institutions are responsible to instruct students to discern their own goal, and try their best to offer sufficient educational resources to aid students to realize their value of life. 1# ykhjy
3) Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
The statement claims that educational institutions are responsible for students' success, 【此处无中生有。statement只是说教育机构的责任是劝阻学生不要在注定不能成功的领域内继续下去。LZ想当然地添加了一条职责。开头首段引据题目的改写要客观。】and they should dissuade students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed. At first, one problem should be solved that what means success? The statement seems to assume that success is explained by the contribution levels that one makes. 【为神马要在总起段展开论述呢？而且该段在此出现很突兀，前不能承上，后无法起下。是LZ后来插进来的吗？这句话，个人觉得更多像body部分第一段论据的总起。】Since talented persons who can make contribution to the society can be fostered through education, educational institutions actually have responsibility for students' success. 【首段就开始整句重复，很致命吖...】On one hand, education can affect students' value of life, which have something to do with one's success; on the other hand, students can learn numerous skills from education, which directly affect students' success.【首段致命伤：LZ观点不明确、段落结构混乱。LZ不妨好好思考下，在首段究竟想表达些神马，再结合范文看看该如何做到有效表达。另外，首段最重要的目的就是明晰个人立场，给reader以阅读目标。】
Through dissuading students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed, more students can be leaded to a success way, and thus they can make more contribution to the society. 【病句】For instance, a student, who is not good at math, educational institutions should dissuade him pursuit the fields which have high requirement for math such as financial fields. 【例子奇短...其次，这段意义何在？另外，例子无法很好地呼应论据，LZ论据不单单是劝阻，还要引导走向成功，更要为社会做贡献。这例子完全没任何意义，等于还是在复述题目。】
However, of course, 【however后不用再接插入语气助词，however自身强转折。】it is a success to make contribution to the society, to realize one's own value of life can be another success. And educational institutions should define their own assignment which is to explore how to aid and manage teaching, rather than interfering students' choice. There is a relationship between students' pursuit of study's fields in which they may fail in and their thought about their own value of life: some believe their value of life is pursuing knowledge and be desire to satisfy their curiosities; some consider to challenge various unknown fields, devoting themselves for science... Since students have the right to choose education, educational institutions should respect students' own interest and mind, offering equal educational resources.
In addition, students don't necessarily fail in those fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed. Take Hu Ba yi who is a famous mathematician as an example. Since many times he got zero in math exams when he was a little boy, it seems that he was unlikely to succeed in math field of study, and if educational institutions dissuade him from pursuing of this field, he may not become such a celebrated mathematician.
[将三四段位置调了下，突出我对成功的看法。]
In conclusion, rather than dissuading students not to pursuit fields of study where are unlikely to succeed, educational institutions are responsible to instruct students to discern their own goal, and try their best to offer sufficient educational resources to aid students to realize their value of life.
这篇文章很有问题。其中最严重的错误：LZ没有理解题目所要表达的意思，所以文章跑题了。文章要讨论的是educational institutions的责任所在，劝阻学生们不要在未知成败的领域继续下去是否是这些机构的一项责任？ 2# 咖啡盐
THX先~
因为我看到og里面范文结构是：第一段第一句话说了他以为题目是说明什么意思，这就成为其开头了；然后省略说明他的看法，第二句话就阐述了他的第一个分论点，并在第一段的剩余部分进行了举例说明，其作用就是一个引子；然后在第二段开始转折，分析题目为什么会得出那个结论，接下来在第三段，对题目进行驳斥表明其第二个分论点，第四段进一步加强自己的观点并亮出第三个分论点，第五段show例子，第六段做结尾。 = =
至于跑题，我对这篇文章主要攻击点在于，对成功的理解不一样，这样是跑题了？{:2_41:} 攻击点？你的目的不是攻击，那是argument的手段。不要在issue中套用argu的套路。
在这篇文中论述成功的理解本身没有什么错误，但这个点只能作为一个补充，而不是主题。题目thesis的主体是教育机构的一项职责。
如果LZ意在不赞同，那么在论述劝阻并非其职能之后，为充实文章，增加说服力，添加一段对于成功的理解论述这样是比较贴合题目的。
个人观点，仅供参考 范文结构没错，LZ第一段略显混乱，没有给人清晰的线路；在body部分的论述中，支持论据的理由不充分，这些是致命伤
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