新G issue 83，求修改，快写的没信心了，%>_<%
本帖最后由 kellyfu1989 于 2012-2-5 03:11 编辑83. Teachers' salaries should be based on the academic performance of their students.Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
The statement links teachers’ salaries to the academic performance of their students merely. For most people, the purpose of work is to get salary. And almost everybody has the desire for higher salary. It is a useful method of bridging salaries to performance in their job to encourage people to work harder. This scenario is similar to teachers. However, the quality of teachers’ work is not only judged by academic performance of their students.
Teachers play an important role in education of which the aim is developing from the human struggle for survival and enlightenment. Teachers imparting knowledge to students can enlighten them, but excellent academic performances are insufficient for students to survival. Even for students who merely have perfect academic performance, they would be eliminated by the society.
In the environment of people with excellent academic performance seemingly being easier to find good jobs, people blindly believe that only the good academic performances can bring the good live. Under such circumstance, most schools relate teachers’ salaries to students’ academic performance in order to pursue the high employment rate of students. Then students are forced by teachers to learn academic knowledge almost all the time. Such exam-oriented education result in the increasing number of students with high scores and low abilities. These students always have outstanding academic performance, but lack any abilities or qualities, such as honesty, credit, confidence, international skill and so on. Especially in china, there are many students that they only study in school and not attend any activities. When students enter society, their academic performance is not the only judgment for them. Though they can get better jobs because of excellent academic performance, they will be unwelcome in co-workers for lacking international skill or not be promoted for lacking innovation and cooperation.
Besides having a perfect academic performance, the good qualities and abilities people own will be decisive conditions for success. They will be defeated by the bad qualities or useful abilities they lack. More seriously, some of them will get on a criminal road. For example, Huang Yuxi, a South Korea famous biological scientist, was utterly discredited in fabricating the results of his stem cell research. Though Huang had a perfect academic performance in biological science, he failed and even was sentenced for his dishonesty.
Therefore, it is necessary for teachers to cultivate students to have good qualities and useful abilities besides instructing students in academic knowledge. In sometimes, it is more important for teachers to correct students’ bad qualities than to impart their knowledge. A report stated that scores of twenty-eight students’ biological class were judged to be zero by their woman teacher. The reason is that these students finished their biological homework by copy some information on internet. This school, under the stress of these students’ parents, demanded the teacher to enhance students’ scores, the teacher refused through resign. The teacher used such method to teach students the importance of honesty; it must be a depth influence for those twenty-eight students. If not so, these students would think they could get scores even they are dishonest, sooner or later they would be people like Huang Yuxi even if they could have excellent academic performance. For such a teacher, she not only imparted knowledge to students but also guided them to have good qualities. So the woman teacher could received several calls to employ her ever day after she resigned.
Consequentially, teachers play the important role on imparting knowledge to students and teach them how to get good qualities and useful abilities. While the academic performance and good qualities and abilities are the same essential for students to survival in society. So teachers’ salaries should be based on all of them. Then teachers will have more power to instruct students excellent not only in academic performance but also in their own qualities and abilities. 首先声明不是高手哈~看了你的前两段，我觉得写得蛮不错的，但是后面（但是。。。）：
整体来看，你想说仅仅追求academic performance（AP）与EDU的目的不符，AP的目的是为了jobs，但是仅仅为了jobs会导致学生的各种问题，然后分正反两方面论证对吧？这样的问题在于全篇你只分析了一个方面，而且这些处处可以被ARGUE。建议你那怕写个让步段，承认关注AP是有助于EDU的。这样更丰富全面一些。
1、第三段中，你link了AP和jobs，一方面你想说追求AP就仅仅是追求JOBS，这个回头看看你觉得对么？另一方面AP就仅仅是EXAM么？貌似AP是一个很大的概念，我个人感觉你把自己被应试教育折磨的惨痛经历抒发得淋漓尽致（表示感同身受），但是没有打在实处上。。
2、第五段，你花了大量的篇幅去讲一个故事，且不说例子内容本身就非常有争议，个人感觉这样非常划不来特别是在分析型写作里。 2# zbr0009
其实我也觉得我有点被应试教育限制住了，但是对于学术表现，我有点不知道怎么去表达了；
后面一个例子有点充数的感觉:dizzy: ；
但我想了很久，都不想到怎么去分析这道题，
所以扔上来也想请教一下有没有更好的写作步骤。 具体怎么修改，我觉得按照你的思路，你可以开篇就给出你自己关于AP的明确定义，就是仅仅有关学术或者科技研究方面的能力（不能光是考试，这样会偏激），同时给出EDU的目标。
这样，第一段先通过理论分析推导出能否完成EDU的目标是老师工资多少的一个重要标准。
第二段再给出让步，说AP能力是完成EDU目标的一个组成部分。（这个应该很好写吧？）
第三段转折，指出仅仅采用AP非常不科学，会忽视掉其他能力的培养，而其他能力同样是完成EDU目标的重要组成部分。
第四段递进，仅仅采用AP可能不仅不能完成EDU的目标，还有可能导致恶劣后果
最后总结。 谢谢{:3_63:} 4# zbr0009 客气。看了你写的我也能打点提纲哈~ 5# kellyfu1989
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