Issue11 内力vs外力 希望大家能够指点一下！ 【已批改 by 版友yuyu7yaya】
本帖最后由 okqishi 于 2012-5-7 22:05 编辑5月就要考了。。。希望大家能够指点一下存在的问题，多谢了！
I11 People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.
提纲：1.外力有一定作用
2.说行为完全被外力控制是片面的
3.主观意愿占主导作用
When assessing the behavior of humans, the author tends to place more emphasis on the decisive role of forces. Actually, despite certain function forces have performed in influencing people's decision, in large part, one's behavior is determined by his or her own making.
Admittedly, cast a look back at our daily life, and we may find large amounts of routine work dominated by external forces. Due to limitation of individual capacity, we are forced to knuckle down in face of pressure from our surroundings. For example, a majority of white-collars are, to some extent, disinclined to carry out this and other tasks everyday considering the boring and null nature of those errands. However, for the purpose of making a decent living and the concern for a satisfactory social status, they tend to give more priority to accomplishing the tasks assigned by the higher authorities. Similarly, thanks to unchangeable human nature: an ingrained pursuit for material comforts and economic interests, in fact, our innate psychological needs keeps motivating us to seek for benefits at any cost. It is the constraints shaped by laws and social moral standards that shackle us from committing crimes for personal interest. In this case, our decisions and behaviors are significantly swayed by fear of punishment and moral criticism.
The examples above seem to illustrate the notion that our behaviors are exclusively fettered by external forces, as may be argued by some of us. However, an all-round examination of our long human history could easily disprove this unilateral view. There exist a large number of social groups and individuals whose behaviors can hardly be simply interpreted as an outcome of external menace. The preeminent Salvation Army in America, for example, aims at providing shelters, food and clothes foe the poverty, actions resulting from their altruistic affection for those in want and ardor for philanthropy. At the individual level, a telling example lies in Nightingale, whose eminent contribution to nursing can never be neglected. Despite her respectable family background, she pursues an arduous career as a nurse rather than leadS a luxurious life among upper class, which is evidently more consistent with her social status. The reasonable explanation of her behaviors should be her moral merits and her concern for the welfare of patients.
Furthermore, there is no less original idea than the notion that every man is born with subjective initiative, a strong internal power can be utilized for making a decision in accordance with individual thinking and judgment. Albeit the opponents of this point may accentuate the influence of specific situation, virtually, while external forces could lead to hesitance for decision making, it has little bearing with the final behavior put into practice. When faced with death, an extreme condition of forces from outside, one is likely to strive for surviving with might and main if admitting the decisive role of forces. However, during war time, quite a few soldiers are willing to accept the suffering of death when threatened by the enemy to betray his nation and leak state secrets. Similar situation can be detected in our daily life where someone offers financial aid for others, perhaps those vagrants or beggars on streets, with his own family in straitened circumstances. Obviously, external forces, despite its auxiliary effect at the very start of decision making, eventually pales to insignificance in determining one's behaviors.
In sum, forces could serve as an important factor in people's decision of behaviors. Nevertheless, they can hardly be described as the dominant factor. Subjective thinking and individual decision making are the overriding elements contributing to the final behaviors.
这篇文章的语言赞啊！例子也非常强大！厉害厉害！
缺点的话：我个人觉得啊！不一定对！
（1）第二段让步同意的观点是：we may find large amounts of routine work dominated by external forces. 而在最后一段，lz的观点是Nevertheless, they can hardly be described as the dominant factor.这两者矛盾了吧。。。
（2）另外可能是，第一个largely determined by forces 的驳论点：说行为完全被外力控制是片面的。命题里并没有说被完全被外力控制，而是将外力和内力进行了比较，说外力在决定作用上占了优势。那落脚点就在这个比较上，到底谁大谁小，还是一样。lz的都替思路是驳作者观点，认为内力才是决定因素，外力只是影响因素。那就要从这个角度去写，为啥内力决定了？为啥和内力相比，外力决定不了？外力到底发挥了什么样的作用。可目前第三段的论点其实是在驳our behaviors are exclusively fettered by external forces。那lz就是在围绕“人的行为是不是完全被外力左右”这个论点展开的。我个人觉得有点跑偏了。。不过，只要稍微调几个词，就能把攻击点从exclusively fettered聚焦到largely determined的角度，改起来并不复杂。
我觉得，大概lz开始写这篇文章的时候真的就按照exclusively来写的，所以第一的让步观点和第一个驳论点一脉相承，都是承接了exclusively的思路。好在你的语言和例子真的真的非常强大，稍微把思路正一正就好！
羡慕这样的文笔啊~ 我确实跑偏题目了。。多谢你的建议！我会再修改的2# yuyu7yaya
页:
[1]