[GRE作文互改小组]yygt -Arguments 8/29- 10/20
本帖最后由 yygt 于 2012-8-28 07:24 编辑A 73
The following appeared on the Mozart School of Music Web site.
"The Mozart School of Music should be the first choice for parents considering enrolling their child in music lessons. First of all, the Mozart School welcomes youngsters at all ability and age levels; there is no audition to attend the school. Second, the school offers instruction in nearly all musical instruments as well a wide range of styles and genres from classical to rock. Third, the faculty includes some of the most distinguished musicians in the area. Finally, many Mozart graduates have gone on to become well-known and highly paid professional musicians."
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.
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In this argument, the arguer demonstrates that the Mozart School of Music excels any other music schools in terms of music education. To the prospective students, the argument promises different youngsters at different ages are all invited without any audition. The arguer also claims numerous varieties of musical instruments and music genres allow students to enchanted themselves in the ocean of music. Renowned musician faculty and Mozart-graduated musicians are all regard as attractive points to students and parents. However, under rigorous scrutiny, the argument reveals several specious assert, which renders the conclusion unconvincing.
First of all, the admission policy concerning all youngsters regardless of their ability age and preferred genres accomplished little towards the attractive power of the Mozart School. Not a single outstanding school around the world has ever admitted any student without taking their ability, capacity and ages into consideration, let along a music school that can evaluate student directly and effectively by audition. Yet common sense is that the more distinguished the school is, the stricter the admission criteria would be. Such lose admission criteria make the school more of a bagger rather than a chooser. Besides, the argument shows that the school meets the requirement and need of all students studying different music styles and genres, which makes the Mozart School nearly a omniscient music school. Is it possible that a music school could educate all youngsters of all ability and age on all music styles and genres well? Unless more substantiated evidence are provided, it is probably a deceptive advertisement rather a realistic argument. And this school may be faced with problems such as the allocation of teaching resources, class managements and finance budgets.
Secondly, the arguer points out there are some distinguished musicians of their area work as teachers in the Mozart School of music. Noticed that the exact number of such musicians is not given. Based on previous statement that most music styles and genres are taught here, large number of renowned musician teachers may be relatively small. Even assuming considerable knowledgeable musician faculty are provided, there is no guarantee that the musicians surpass in the fields are excellent teachers as well. The Mozart School had better give more detailed information such as the name and resume of those musicians to show their integrity and keep students and parents’ trust.
Furthermore, by illustrating several Mozart graduates have continued their music career as famous and highly paid professional musicians, the arguer unfairly equates the pursuit of study of music with snobbish material goals. The purpose of studying music would be extremely immaculate. For example, a little girl may want to learn singing just to please her old Nanny. A boy may would like to learn to play guitar just to be cool. Admittedly, being a musician is the dream of many music students. Highlighting the fame and money come along with music is superficial and may disgust some of the prospective students.
In conclusion, to persuade the students and parents rank the Mozart School of Music at the first place the arguer must provide more reliable information about student admission and convincing evidence such as exact allocation of education resources. Credible statement undoubtly would do a better job in attracting students’ attention and promoting a trust-worthy school image.
我觉得你这个给旧G合适。但对新G有点不扣题。。。
题目里提到first choice for parents，这个你没有扣住。那么第一个要攻击的假设应该是这个assumption：没有selection对于家长是最好的选择。
和你写的差别将会在与，要考虑家长想要什么，也许有的家长想要精英教育，有的家长只想要入门基础，有的家长只关心某种乐器，有的家长根本不care能不能挣钱。
另外第二段可以拆开来写，原文是两个论据。 Basilisk 发表于 2012-8-28 12:01 static/image/common/back.gif
我觉得你这个给旧G合适。但对新G有点不扣题。。。
题目里提到first choice for parents，这个你没有扣住。 ...
首先感谢你！
我会多研究相关Instruction的，第一次写argument有些仓促。
其实写的过程中我也意识到 implications if assumptions prove unwarranted照顾的不好。
如果你也写作文的话我去给你改~
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