issue 28 认识到一些问题之后的练习。求看是否改改正了原先的错误！非常非常感谢！
28) The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people.Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
多亏大家帮助，认识到自己以前的一些错误，比如观点不够明确，还有论述不够细致等等。这次专门注意了一下，还麻烦大家再看看，有没有改正以前的错误，并且有木有新的问题！
多谢大家！
In my point, the general welfare of one country's people is the most effective indicator of a great nation. However, that does not mean that the achievements of its rulers, artists or scientists are not important indicators. There is a link between these two aspects and each of them influences another, so a nation is great only by achieving both of them. There are some strong reasons to demonstrate this view.
First of all, the general welfare of its people is a very important standard for a great nation. A convincing reason is that people is the biggest part of a country, and they count for a much bigger percentage than rulers, artists or scientists, which means they have bigger influence on the judgement of a country. For example, when we judge a country, we often use GDP or some other indicators which represent the people's welfare or situations. And the national annul reports always tell us about the whole country and people's income and outcome. From another point of view, its citizens are the biggest part of people who pay the taxes to the country, and it is always the people who vote to decide some big events. For example, American president must be decided from the vote of its people.
Another view is that, it is taken for granted that a country's biggest responsibility is to take good care of its people. Sometimes we always say Canada is a good country because of the standards such as Canada has better healthy and education conditions, and people there have good insurances like so many kinds of accidental insurances, bankrupt insurance, and so on. However, thinking about some third countries people, they do not have healthy insurances so that they can not afford the payments if they get ill, and so many children are out of education. Even a big part of people are suffering starvation.
However, the big achievements of its rulers, artists or scientists are also important indications to represent the image of a great, advanced country. For example, Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize shows that American is a great nation because it can not only make good peace conditions of its own, but it can also help other countries to achieve the peaceful conditions. And now we all know that no matter whether you agree or disagree that Obama have done some good things for the world peace, you now know at least America has great influences on it. The accomplishments of artists not only mean the quick development of a country but also represent the good spiritual conditions of the people, which is also a general welfare. Last but not least, the development of science can surprisingly improve our standard of live and make it much comfortable and convenience. What’s more, we can have better healthy conditions since the science makes huge development of medical treatments.
What's more, a country's art and science's achievements have so many advantages and also it can show the nation's good accomplishments. We all know that a rich and advanced country can have better supports for its art and science, for example, it can give colleges, universities, private groups or social institutions many auspices so that they can have better conditions to achieve big improvements or have advanced researches and studies. What’s more, a great nation paying big attention to the development of science and art encourages its people to achieve success in those fields. For example, in order to encourage colleges and universities to do science studies, many countries have national science awards to reward the people who reach the high standards of the award.
From my point of view, it is important for a great nation to both have good general welfare of its people and many achievements of its rulers, artists and scientists. Because people are the base of a nation, and satisfying its people will be the biggest goal of any nations. What’s more, the achievements of its rulers, artists and scientists also mean the good development of a nation and it also have so many advantages of the world.
顶一下。。。来点意见吧。周六考。。多谢多谢 本帖最后由 Basilisk 于 2012-10-17 11:57 编辑
主题句段：似乎还是把自己打自己脸当转折？第一句：general welfare most effective。第二句：does not mean not important =also important。第三句：only by achieving both of them。什么叫最高级most啊。
还有Link什么，你这里藏着东西没说清楚。你名义上的中心句说得是两者都重要，但你全文实际想表达的意思是：人民福利最重要，只有精英们的贡献是有助于人民福利的时候才有意义。
第一段：出不来关键词啊，majority, elect。
which means they have bigger influence on the judgement of a country
问题一：是不是和你后面选总统的观点又一致了。你两个分论点什么关系。下次列提纲出来。
问题二：这句话我觉得有点冗长的嫌疑，理论上从句是讲不重要的内容，相对于主句。要把重要内容放主句。
问题三：你的第一点和great nation有关吗。
我觉得可以用反证法来论述你的第一点：如果不care人民利益，则inequality增加，人民也不幸福。论述great很难，所以实际上偷换到inequality和social welfare。
第二点election也不直接。可以论述国家的意义，国家作为社会契约而不是独裁工具，所以国家成立的目的就是为了人民利益。
第二第三段：ironically，虽然你号称你有convincing reason，但实际上我根本读不懂你的论证。这不是很简单吗，科学家的贡献让科技更发达=>生活更幸福=>great nation。艺术家生产艺术财富=>人民幸福=>great nation。
ps
这道题我好像写过，帖出来过。 Basilisk 发表于 2012-10-17 11:53 static/image/common/back.gif
主题句段：似乎还是把自己打自己脸当转折？第一句：general welfare most effective。第二句：does not mea ...
感谢你每次都能看出来我的逻辑混乱啊，看了之后清醒很多了。这次是写提纲了，不过没有很细致，就是大致上每段写什么，有几个小原因等等。我有一个问题，就是在第一个正文段中，我从不同的方面论证了我的观点，那这两个分论点一定要有关系吗？
另外从你的评论里面，我总结一点你看对不对哦，就是每段的论述，都是一步一步推到主题。就是人民幸福。而我的那种认为人民会幸福的想法，实际上在别人看来 也许不是很明显跟我的主题相关，是吗？
多谢指教！ dsnadja 发表于 2012-10-17 20:29 static/image/common/back.gif
感谢你每次都能看出来我的逻辑混乱啊，看了之后清醒很多了。这次是写提纲了，不过没有很细致，就是大致上 ...
平行并列也是一种关系。但两个分论点要有明确的关系，不要引起混乱。
你写这个文章的目的就是假设别人不同意你的观点，然后要convince别人。这就叫论述。
很多人的状态估计和你一样，还没醒，不知道写文章在干什么。
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