PONY_s 发表于 2014-5-7 23:28:02

第一次限时两篇ARGUMENT,另有另个小小问题

两篇ARGUMENT,分别为高频第一的#71 和第二的#1, 在word上稍微修改了下语法错误就发上来,希望大家帮忙看看语言和逻辑上的问题。两篇我都没写结尾,因为觉得结尾写了就跟开头一个样。


先说说我的问题:
1、OG上说道阿狗不需要作者表达自己的观点。那么怎样的表达才算是表达自己的观点呢?我说”作者这样的推断有点无脑“算不算是在表达自己观点?

2、结尾对文章的影响大不大?

3、字数的话,我写到350字左右就上不去了,再写感觉就是废话了,不知道是什么原因?我记得阿狗好像是推荐400字


无论如何,请大家狠狠劈我的作文。主要是逻辑上和结构上。毕竟18杀G,这两者改进比较简单。语言上有建议也欢迎。

先道谢了。




#71:
"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago
a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to
get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey
just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road
building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new
construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would
be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville
implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them
coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy
was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have
fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work
equally well in Waymarsh."

我的习作:
In the given essay, the author argument traffic in Waymarsh became worse and government should model Garville City encouraging share rides, which proved effective in improving Garville City's traffic condition. This argument is well-presented, though, some logical flaws make it unreasonable.

First of all, the author may want to indicate that traffic condition in Waymarsh has become worse by demonstrating a survey which shows an increase in citizens' commuting time. Leave aside whether the survey is well-designed or not. This evidence is not cogent enough because this survey does not straightforwardly but indirectly points out that the traffic is worse by showing an increase in commuting time. In fact, an increased commuting time can also be caused by that people leave farther away from their working place, or that people change their ways of commuting from driving a car to taking public transportation or riding bicycles, which is slower. Maybe they just simply drive in a lower speed. The author should show an increase of car density on road if he want to prove that the traffic is worse than before.

Secondly, if the traffic did become worse, a suggestion of building more should not be neglected. Though this may cost much money and disturb local residents. A bigger capability for road can ameliorate both by now and in the future. Besides, it will be hard to build new road when there are traffics everywhere.

Last, the author suggests the policy from Garville and implicates that this policy will cut down pollution and commuting time. Well, the reduction of pollution may related  to other environmental friendly policy in Garville and only several people that author heard from cannot cover the whole situation of Garville. Moreover, simply copying this policy may not promise a better future. If Waymarshs live relatively more scattered than Garcilles, when they share their rides, the frequent stops of the car may deteriorate traffic condition.


#1:
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously
been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and
therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently,
however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient
village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad,
and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats
have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not
uniquely Palean.

我的习作:
The author presents an observation of Woven basket in Litho. And then he argues that, since there is a river that can only be crossed by boat between Woven and Lithos, and no boat has been found in Palean, the Woven basket is not unique to Palean. His idea is well presented, but the existence some other possibilities weaken its cogency.

First of all, there is a pre-assumption in the argument -- baskets can only be carried by human to the other side of the river. Is there any possibility that baskets crossed the river without human's help? Well, since it is well know that baskets are light and flow upon water. It is possible that, sporadically, some baskets, originally made in Palean, were dropped into the river and flowed downstream to the other side of the river, and then picked up by Lithos.  

Secondly, it is common that some river occurred, changed their route or died out in the history. Therefore the Brim River, which board and deep nowaday, may be a shallow and small creek in ancient time, or may not exist at all. And Palean people are able to swim or walk to Lithos to make some deal. Moreover, no Palean boats have been found cannot prove that Paleans people had no boat. Maybe an ancient boat is waiting for excavation. Besides, the author does not talk about whether Lithos had boat or not.

Finally, there is one thing that, if Lithos got the hang of making Woven baskets, since baskets are daily curities.,there should be a large amount of them, at least as many as those in Palean. Yet there only one bakset was found in Lithos, it is reasonable to doubt that whether Lithos had the ability to product Woven Basket. And this evidence also suggests the first point I mention that this basket may crossed the river by accident.

With so many things undetermined, a conclusion that Woven baskets were not unique to Palean is somehow reckless.











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