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标题: 进军美利坚作文10.16 [打印本页]

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-16 17:12:30     标题: 进军美利坚作文10.16



10.16 years from now, people will have more leisure time



    According to theleaped progression made in science and technology, productivity is lifted tosuch a high extent, which releases considerable labour force or converts themfrom the traditional handcraft industry to high-tech concentrated fields. Sincewe could accomplish the task efficiently with advanced work environments ordevices, not mention to the possible exceeding achievements beyond thatexpected, we deserve more leisure time for relax.

However, with accelerated worldwide development, increasing competition between companies act as a major impulsefactor, steering entrepreneurs to put up with various projects and measurescontaining more tasks, in order to help the companies stay in the proceedingrank. For most employees, more work contents are related to pressure. Here goesa saying, temperate pressure will give you a motivity. What if the pressuregoes so far? Have you ever seen that someone cannot bear the pressure any more?Let's take a look at the electrical filed, some people in HuaWei company choseto suicide by jumping from the high building, that is because they haveconstantly exposed to an intense settings with anxieties, pressure andwhatsoever upset emotions for a long time, which easily leaded to some terriblepsychiatric problems. So people should get more leisure time, with which theycould adjust themselves, deal with the emerging mental problems, enjoywonderful times without pressure. In addition, get a release from time to timewill keep your brain clearly, and be able to help you promote the workefficiency.

Lastly, I want to emphasis, somequarrels may break out between family members because of less leisure timespent together. You know that less time means less communication, which apt toresult to decreasing concern about each other, eventually, marriages slip todanger and divorces may happen. More leisure time is indeed needed!

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作者: fish1044    时间: 2009-10-17 12:56:11

    According to the leaped progression made in science and technology, productivity is lifted to such a high extent, which releases considerable labour force or converts themfrom the traditional handcraft industry to high-tech concentrated fields. Sincewe could accomplish the task efficiently with advanced work environments ordevices, not to mention to the possible exceeding achievements beyond that expected, we deserve more leisure time for relax. （开场很精彩,但是有跑题嫌疑）
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    However, with accelerated worldwide development, increasing competition between companies act as a major impulsefactor, steering entrepreneurs to put up with various projects and measurescontaining more tasks, in order to help the companies stay in the proceedingrank. For most employees, more work contents are related to pressure. Here goesa saying, temperate pressure will give you a motivity. What if the pressure goes so far（有点歧义，so far 有到目前为止的意思）? Have you ever seen that someone cannot bear the pressure any more?Let's take a look at the electrical filed, some people in HuaWei company choseto suicide by jumping from the high building, that is because they haveconstantly exposed to an intense settings with anxieties, pressure andwhatsoever upset emotions for a long time, which easily leaded to some terriblepsychiatric problems. So people should get more leisure time, with which theycould adjust themselves, deal with the emerging mental problems, enjoywonderful times without pressure. In addition, get a release from time to timewill keep your brain clearly, and be able to help you promote the workefficiency.' s) v; V8 u. F' c1 N/ P/ n. \


Lastly, I want to emphasis, somequarrels may break out between family members because of less leisure timespent together. You know that less time means less communication, which apt toresult to decreasing concern about each other, eventually, marriages slip todanger and divorces may happen. More leisure time is indeed needed!

    这篇文章本身是个好文章，但是不太适合作为托福作文。
    首先文章跑题了，题目问的是你觉得几年后人们是不是有跟多的空闲时间，而本文却阐述人们需要更多空闲时间。
    另外，文章结构也不适合托福考试。文章写法太过自由，层次不鲜明，文章体安排在一段，感觉不足与阐述清楚自己的观点。

    但是，从本来可以看出，楼主的英语写作功底应该是比较深的，多习惯一下托福作文应该能取得好成绩。

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作者: hmnsun    时间: 2009-10-17 14:28:39

According to the leaped progression made in science and technology, productivity is lifted to such a high extent, which releases considerable labour force or converts them from the traditional handcraft industry to high-tech concentrated fields. Since we could accomplish the task efficiently with advanced work environments or devices, not mention to the possible exceeding achievements beyond that expected, we deserve more leisure time for relax.  s1 l9 H+ y% A9 |/ K2 C& c
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However, with accelerated worldwide development, increasing competition between companies act as a major impulse factor, steering entrepreneurs to put up with various projects and measures containing more tasks, in order to help the companies stay in the proceeding rank. For most employees, more work contents are related to pressure. Here goes a saying, temperate pressure will give you a motivity. What if the pressure goes so far? Have you ever seen that someone cannot bear the pressure any more?Let's take a look at the electrical filed, some people in HuaWei company chose to suicide by jumping from the high building, that is because they have constantly exposed to an intense settings with anxieties, pressure and whatsoever upset emotions for a long time, which easily leaded to some terrible psychiatric problems. So people should get more leisure time, with which they could adjust themselves, deal with the emerging mental problems, enjoy wonderful times without pressure. In addition, get a release from time to time will keep your brain clearly, and be able to help you promote the work efficiency.（这句话说我们应该放轻松点儿，跟主题没有太大关系。我们要阐述的是“越来越忙还是越来越闲”，不需要讨论我们“应该如何”）
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+ F& h  m- {# _# D% mLastly, I want to emphasis, some quarrels may break out between family members because of less leisure time spent together. You know that less time means less communication, which apt to result to decreasing concern about each other, eventually, marriages slip to danger and divorces may happen. More leisure time is indeed needed!

语言很好，虽然有些词汇我看不懂，但是能看出语言很好。但是我不得不说，这篇作文整体上不太好。从倒数第二段的最后部分开始，已经离题了。可以看下我在上边写的那句建议。

2# fish1044

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-17 21:41:03



10.17 Topic: To truly understand worldevent, we should get our news from newspaper; television cannot provide enoughinformation.
Since we are exposed to sucha huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way tounderstand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.

First of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs with that television cannot compare. Takeour News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receivethe general news of important events happened the same day in different areas, accompanyingwith the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting seconds.More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapersin detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you understanding the true event.

Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning issueat one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers'?For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensivelyin a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of NobelPrize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that?Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary, newspapers are not required to accomplish astory in a limited time, even the words as long as the event is important enough. Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.

Lastly, newspaper is always divided to a majority part of news and 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event.

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作者: paddyhy    时间: 2009-10-18 00:52:31

Since we are exposed to such a huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way to understand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.开头不错很简洁我喜欢

First of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs that television cannot match with that television cannot compare. Take our News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receive the general news of important events happened the same day in different areas, accompanying with the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting seconds. More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapers in detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you understanding the true event. - w1 I, U: j. h8 E

Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning issue at one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers. For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensively in a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of Nobel Prize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that? Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary, newspapers are not required to accomplish astory in a limited time, even the words as long as the event这里就说events就可以了吧 is important enough. Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.: Z2 P: M7 H  a+ y2 W

Lastly, newspaper is always divided to a majority part of news and 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event.
作者思维很好。。就是组织上在好一点就可以啦。。向你学习。。

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作者: skysunny2008    时间: 2009-10-18 13:53:31

10.17 Topic: To truly understand worldevent, we should get our news from newspaper; television cannot provide enough information. 5 ]2 h$ q3 x; i. @' T- D6 H# [- ^
Since we are exposed to such a huge society filled with explosive information, what is a best way to understand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.. F+ e+ k0 C% S# \2 T( [

/ Z( [5 @; \' S+ O4 R! W# LFirst of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs with that (应该改成which)television cannot compare. Take our News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receive the(the 应该去掉) general news of important events（加that） happened the (改成on) same day in different areas, accompanying with the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting (这词用的特别好！)seconds. More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapers in detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you （ to understand ）understanding the true event. 1 U4 \( s, D1 M9 q% p9 _
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Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning（concerned） issue at one time. It's true, but do you ever compare its contents with newspapers'(在哪方面比较呢，这样说会比较模糊，个人认为应该说清楚)?For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensivelyin a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of NobelPrize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that? Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary,（ on the contrary） newspapers are not required to accomplish a story in a limited time, even the words as long as the event is important enough(even words are not so long as it is supposed to be). Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.( a% ]6 g9 Z* C! L/ Q' ?
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Lastly, newspaper is always divided to ( always consists of )a majority part (去掉part)of news and( merely) 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, televisionis occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We candraw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event中间两段论点不够清晰，但是那个诺贝尔奖的例子很好。我觉得中间两端可以合成一段写电视时间有限，所以不能说细节信息，例如背景知识。。。举诺贝尔的例子，然后下一段写电视机有太多广高，使报道变短， 不详细～个人建议，仅供参考哦}

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作者: scutgong    时间: 2009-10-19 16:18:17

Since we are exposed to such a huge society filled with explosive information, what is a（the可能会好点） best way to understand world event actually? I will consider reading newspaper instead of watching TV as my first choice. Here come my reasons.

First of all, newspaper contains a large number of informs（information） with that television cannot compare（可以用“compared with television”来替代）. Take our News Report program on television as an example. Every day we may receive the general news of important events happened the same day in different areas, accompanying with the presentative pictures and interpretation of journalists. However, we cannot judge the whole thing just from several words in these fleeting seconds. More background knowledge are needed, and that will be provided by newspapers in detail. So you can skim whatever parts as long as you feel it is useful to assist you understanding the true event.

Some people may argue that television also have commentary programs concentrating on one concerning issue at one time. It's true, but do （have）you ever compared its contents with newspapers'? For example, when the topic of Nobel Prize in Physics is discussed comprehensively in a TV show on Monday morning, we may about to read the completed details of Nobel Prize in Physics, Chemistry, and even in peace in newspapers. Why is that? Because TV shows have their strict time limits that hosts should take control to conveying informs. In contrary, newspapers are not required to accomplish astory in a limited time, even the words as long as the event is important enough. Thus, newspapers prevail televisions in the access for us to get full appreciation of the event.

Lastly, newspaper is always divided to a majority part （delete）of news and 1-2 pages of ads, contrarily, television is occupied by a huge number of entertainment programs, dizzy ads, and a few part of news reports which can not satisfied our basic informs request. We can draw a conclusion that we should get our news from newspaper to truly understand world event.

作者写的不错，也使用了一些很好的例子。总体的感觉就是内容还不够丰富，作者这篇文章始终围绕的就是电视机得到的信息很小。不过已经很能说明问题了，继续努力！！！

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-19 17:26:16

    With rapid development of the modern society, explosive information and knowledge wait for usto command. Then, the problem emerges, shall we concentrate on learningconcepts and ideas or just focus on facts? As to me, learning concepts becomesmy very preferential choice to understand the world. Here come my reasons.

First of all, understanding the concept of thematter will help you realize the whole thing quickly. Since we are exposed to aexpanded world filled the advent of spectacular progress in various aspects,the most important measure we should take is to learn the news as soon aspossible in case being leave behind. How can we absorb such a number of informsin limited time? Learning concepts and ideas is a better choice, becauseconcepts are always the elites or short interpretations of the whole things, aswell as the ideas that seem to be extracted from long detailed facts and servedas the representative of the articles or whatever. Command these basic crucialelements will assist you to exaggerate your knowledge faster comparing to that oflearning facts.

Secondly, for the concepts and ideas constitutethe soul of the matter, we should pay more attention on that. For example, weare usually examined by some tests requiring you to write down the authors'ideas or the concrete concepts of the terms by attaching several passages. Onthe contrary, we are merely asked to depict the facts one by one. Because mostpeople hold that once you get the concepts and ideas, you get the full appreciation.

In conclusion,concepts and ideas reflect predominate trait of the matters, we can understandthe entire things by investigate them in a shorter time with efficiency. So weshould focus on concept and ideas instead of facts.

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作者: doubledian    时间: 2009-10-20 12:16:18

With （这个。。。不需要加the？加上吧）rapid development of the modern society, explosive information and knowledge wait for usto（？？这是啥意思） command. Then, the problem emerges，shall we concentrate on learning concepts and ideas or just focus on facts? As to me, learning concepts becomesmy very preferential choice to understand the world.（这句话太汉语了，建议修改一下） Here come（s） my reasons.

First of all, understanding the concept of the matter will help you realize the whole thing quickly. Since we are exposed to a （an）expanded world filled the advent of spectacular progress in various aspects, the most important measure we should take is to learn the news as soon as possible in case being leave behind. How can we absorb such a number of informs in limited time? Learning concepts and ideas is a better choice, because concepts are always the elites or short interpretations of the whole things, as well as the ideas that seem to be extracted from long detailed facts and served as the representative of the articles or whatever. Command these basic crucial elements will assist you to exaggerate your knowledge faster comparing to that of learning facts.

Secondly, for the concepts and ideas constitute the soul of the matter, we should pay more attention on that. For example, weare（？） usually examined by some tests requiring you to write down the authors' ideas or the concrete concepts of the terms by attaching several passages. On the contrary, we are merely asked to depict the facts one by one. Because most people hold that once you get the concepts and ideas, you get the full appreciation.

In conclusion, concepts and ideas reflect predominate trait of the matters, we can understand the entire things by investigate them in a shorter time with efficiency. So we should focus on concept and ideas instead of facts.
说一下整体感觉啊，思路还算清晰，但是论证不足，存在个别单词拼写错误，有些意思表述的不清楚，不知道作者想说什么，建议在上交之前放在word上自动检查一下，总体还是可以的，我个人水平很菜，所以也不能给你提出什么建设性的意见，或者把你的错误全找出来，请谅解！继续加油！

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作者: skysunny2008    时间: 2009-10-20 12:18:06

With rapid development of the modern society, explosive information and knowledge wait for usto command. Then, the problem emerges, shall we concentrate on learningconcepts and ideas or just focus on facts? As to me, learning concepts becomesmy very preferential choice to understand the world. Here come my reasons.0 T; ^7 z5 Z+ w  ]. z

First of all, understanding the concept of thematter will help you realize the whole thing quickly. Since we are exposed to a expanded world filled the advent of spectacular progress in various aspects, （这句太罗嗦了。。since we are expose to a world full of spectacular progress in various field,）the most important measure we should take is to learn the news as soon as possible in case being leave behind.(这句问题很严重。。但是不知道怎么改。。抱歉) How can we absorb such a number（a number of 修饰可数名词，information 是不可数的，所以得换个词，比如enormous information） of informs in limited time? Learning concepts and ideas is a better choice, because concepts are always the elites or short interpretations of the whole things, as well as the ideas that seem to be extracted from long detailed facts and served as the representative of the articles or whatever(or whatever 去掉比较好). Command these basic crucial elements will assist you to exaggerate（这个是贬义词，改为expand比较好） your knowledge faster comparing to that of learning facts.

Secondly, for the concepts and ideas constitute the soul of the matter, we should pay more attention on that（them）. For example, we are usually examined by some tests （这里定语从句比较好吧 which ask）requiring you to write down the authors' ideas or the concrete concepts of the terms by attaching several passages. On the contrary, we are merely asked to depict the facts one by one. Because most people hold that once you get the concepts and ideas, you get the full appreciation.(这段的理由有点牵强哦)% W' L6 B: K0 ]* l  W, V1 o& ]. ?
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In conclusion,concepts and ideas reflect predominate trait of the matters, we can understandthe entire things by investigate (改成exploring) them in a shorter time with efficiency(with去掉，efficiently改成 efficiently). So weshould focus on concept and ideas instead of facts.

本文的缺点是语言有点罗嗦了，观点和理由有点牵强，再接再厉哦！

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作者: scutgong    时间: 2009-10-20 15:55:09

With （the）rapid development of the modern society, explosive information and knowledge wait for us to command. Then, the problem emerges, shall we concentrate on learning concepts and ideas or just focus on facts? As to me, learning concepts（这里可以一起加上ideas吧，并且最后一段可以呼应） becomes my very preferential（用词过于繁琐） choice to understand the world. Here comes my reasons.-

First of all, understanding the concept of the matter will help you realize the whole thing quickly. Since we are exposed to an expanded world filled the advent of spectacular progress in various aspects, the most important measure we should take is to learn the（可以删除） news as soon as possible in case being leave behind. How can we absorb such a number of informs in limited time? Learning concepts and ideas is a better choice, because concepts are always the elites or short interpretations of the whole things, as well as the ideas that seem to be extracted from long detailed facts and served as the representative of the articles or whatever. Command these basic crucial elements will assist you to exaggerate your knowledge faster comparing to that of learning facts.

Secondly, for（since更好点吧） the concepts and ideas constitute the soul of the matter, we should pay more attention on that. For example, we are usually examined by some tests requiring you to write down the authors' ideas or the concrete concepts of the terms by attaching several passages. On the contrary, we are merely asked to depict the facts one by one. Because most people hold that once you get the concepts and ideas, you get the full appreciation.

In conclusion, concepts and ideas reflect predominate trait of the matters, we can understand the entire things by investigating them in a shorter time with efficiency. So we should focus on concept and ideas instead of facts.

个人感觉作者列出自己的理由，正确表达了观点。不足指出是英语用词不够灵活。
例子也不够鲜明。
好好努力下！

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-20 17:40:19



The world keeps progressing every day, and we shall keep learning all the way to adjust to the challenging environment. It seems that allocating ourlimited time reasonably becomes a crucial question. Imaging that 20 years later, how do we arrange our life expended on works, dinners and leisure hours?As far as I concerned, less time will be wasted in cooking and preparing food.Here come my reasons.


First and foremost, accompanying with the development of science and technology, the innovations will be made everywhere, which means we should spend more time and study harder to get a quick command of them, especially that related to ourwork fields. Subsequently, the time for preparing food may be spared to learn some new terms. And, do not undermine the length of time in preparing food.Let's take a detail perception of how to make a dinner. First, you should think about the recipes, then get the materials from the supermarkets, after washing them carefully or slice them in shapes, you could embark on the most important step to make them eatable. Have you ever counted the time through the whole process? According to my experience, that will cost you more than one hour, one eighth of your normal work time. You have a better choice to use this hour studying new things.


Secondly, 20 years later, the promoted life quality provides us with even more forms of entertainment.Everyone will have fun on his interests such as going to movies, doing sports,taking a trip and so on. Just as I mentioned, movies has their start times you should obey or you will miss the beginning or some parts, then you have no chance to make a meal to cater the appropriate timing; sports have their fixed place you should go for, thus you can't prepare a meal outside; and the trip,you should never imagine making a dinner during your wonderful journey. If you insist on cooking, you will lose the time enjoying the life.


Lastly but not the least,more instant foods with delicious tastes will be expected 20 years later, I believe most of us apt to choose this convenient and easier way to fill ourselves in stead of making a dinner by our own. The surplus time for the original food preparing could be adopted to studying, relaxing, and anything you want. In conclusion, I hold that people will spend less time in cooking 20 years later.

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作者: lupisces    时间: 2009-10-20 19:04:28

  With rapid development of the modern society, explosive information and knowledge wait for usto command. Then, the problem emerges, shall we concentrate on learningconcepts and ideas or just focus on facts? As to me, learning concepts becomesmy very preferential choice to understand the world. Here come my reasons.开头很好" } 开头. H# d* N, v. V: v- s

First of all, understanding the concept of the matter will help you realize the whole thing quickly. Since we are exposed to a expanded world filled（with） the advent of spectacular progress in various aspects,the most important measure we should take is to learn the news as soon aspossible in case being leave（left） behind. How can we absorb such a number of informsin in limited time? Learning concepts and ideas is a better choice, becauseconcepts are always the elites or short interpretations of the whole things, aswell as the ideas that seem to be extracted from long detailed facts and servedas the representative of the articles or whatever. Command these basic crucial elements will assist you to exaggerate your knowledge faster comparing to that oflearning facts.
8 C1 P' Y: I7 i! c2 C; }! b. j  e
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Secondly, for the concepts and ideas constitutethe soul of the matter, we should pay more attention on that. For example, weare usually examined by some tests requiring you to write down the authors'ideas or the concrete concepts of the terms by attaching several passages. Onthe contrary, we are merely asked to depict the facts one by one. Because mostpeople hold that once you get the concepts and ideas, you get the full appreciation.

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In conclusion,concepts and ideas reflect predominate trait of the matters, we can understandthe entire things by investigate（ing） them in a shorter time with efficiency. So weshould focus on concept and ideas instead of facts.

写的不错，观点都很明确了
语法错误也很少，语言也不错
感觉不足的是，学concept比较好这一点说的比较多，其实可以多花点篇幅举例子，说的具体些~

不好意思我白天要工作，所以评晚了

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作者: scutgong    时间: 2009-10-21 15:20:45



The world keeps progressing every day, and we shall keep learning all the way to adjust to the challenging environment. It seems that allocating our limited time reasonably becomes a crucial question. Imaging that 20 years later, how do we arrange our life expended（spent？） on works, dinners and leisure hours? As far as I am concerned, less time will be wasted（感觉用waste有点不恰当） in cooking and preparing food. Here come my reasons.


First and foremost, accompanying with the development of science and technology, the innovations will be made everywhere, which means that we should spend more time and study harder to get a quick command of them, especially that related to our work fields. Subsequently, the time for preparing food may be spared to learn some new terms. And, do not undermine the length of time in preparing food. Let's take a detail perception of how to make a dinner. First, you should think about the recipes, then get the materials from the（这里的the要慎重使用） supermarkets, after washing them carefully or slice them in shapes, you could embark on the most important step to make them eatable. Have you ever counted the time through the whole process? According to my experience, that will cost you more than one hour, and that is one eighth of your normal work time. You have a better choice to use this hour studying new things.

Secondly, 20 years later, the promoted life quality provides us with even more forms of entertainment. Everyone will have fun on his interests such as going to movies, doing sports, taking a trip and so on. Just as I mentioned（have you mentioned？）, movies has their start times you should obey or you will miss the beginning or some parts, then you have no chance to make a meal to cater the appropriate timing; sports have their fixed place you should go for, thus you can't prepare a meal outside; and the trip, you should never imagine making a dinner during your wonderful journey. If you insist on cooking, you will lose the time enjoying the life.

Last but not the least, more instant foods with delicious tastes will be expected 20 years later, I believe most of us apt to choose this convenient and easier way to fill ourselves instead of making a dinner by our own. The surplus time for the original food preparing could be adopted to studying, relaxing, and anything you want. In conclusion, I hold that people will spend less time in cooking 20 years later.

作者写的很不错，仅有少量的错误。以上为个位的评论，不周到处请关照。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-21 18:00:58



With the abundant materials provided by the modern society, most people hold that we need to explore our psychiatric world by getting sense of success.So, what is a definition of success? The answers vary. As far as I am concerned,earning money via industrious work contributes to success. Thus, some people may induce that those millionaires without work must have pessimistic feelings for not gaining success. However, I prefer that people with plenty of money will get happy indeed.


There are two types of the rich man, one with the money inherited by their parents and the other earned by themselves. First, let's take a look at the previous one. It is unnecessary for they to work outside because they have no economic problems to solve. Without considering the survival question, they could choose anything they like to satisfy themselves. On a material level, the simplest choice is shopping, buying various things alluring to them. However, if they pursue the happiness on the level of psychiatry, for example, they could get a course related to their interests such as music and they have a choice to play with the instruments all lifetime just because of enjoying them. In contrary, many people abandon their interests for their responsibilities to raise families,they may be the unhappier ones.


The other type of people, who earn enough money already, will not pay attention to the work stuff any more. As the successful men, they experience a hard striving time,they may feel like to relax, take some trips all over the world to enjoy life.Once adequate money are gained, most of they quit their jobs, exchanging for the more time to accomplish some things they are longing for during work periods. No working, but happier.


In conclusion, people with a huge fortune always feel happy, because they have no burden in raising themselves or their families, that is to say,they have no need to work, instead, they can spend much time with entertainments.

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作者: soarer0474    时间: 2009-10-21 18:41:50

The world keeps progressing every day, and we shall keep learning all the way to adjust to the challenging environment. It seems that allocating our limited time reasonably becomes a crucial question. Imaging that 20 years later, how do we arrange our life expended（spent？）
on works, dinners and leisure hours? As far as I am concerned, less time will be wasted（感觉用waste有点不恰当） in cooking and preparing food. Here come my reasons.
  `  D+ E$ U) ?3 z4 G+ a* }0 P# R, W- w2 `- q/ d/ d5 \& J
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First and foremost, accompanying with the development of science and technology, the innovations will be made everywhere, which means that we should spend more time and study harder to get a quick command of them, especially that related to our work fields. Subsequently, the time for preparing food may be spared to learn some new terms. And, do not undermine the length of time in preparing food. Let's take a detail perception of how to make a dinner. First, you should think about the recipes, then get the materials from the（这里的the要慎重使用） supermarkets, after washing them carefully or slice them in shapes, you could embark on the most important step to make them eatable. Have you ever counted the time through the whole process? According to my experience, that will cost you more than one hour, and that is one eighth of your normal work time. You have a better choice to use this hour studying new things. 1 ?2 }; A& J; R, y" I- }
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Secondly, 20 years later, the promoted life quality provides us with even more forms of entertainment. Everyone will have fun on his interests such as going to movies, doing sports, taking a trip and so on. Just as I mentioned（have you mentioned？）, movies has their start times you should obey or you will miss the beginning or some parts, then you have no chance to make a meal to cater the appropriate timing; sports have their fixed place you should go for, thus you can't prepare a meal outside; and the trip, you should never imagine making a dinner during your wonderful journey. If you insist on cooking, you will lose the time enjoying the life.
- h- w; H5 q  C6 C
% J/ E) T' B. ALast but not the least, more instant foods with delicious tastes will be expected 20 years later, I believe most of us apt to choose this convenient and easier way to fill ourselves instead of making a dinner by our own. The surplus time for the original food preparing could be adopted to (adopted to do /adapted to doing请区分
)studying, relaxing, and anything (else) you want. In conclusion, I hold that people will spend less time in cooking 20 years later.(是不是总结应该放在最后另起一段？)

总体感觉语句写的用词和语法很好
只是是不是应该每段多用些总结句？
另外关于我文章中你谈到偏题的问题，我想进一步请教一下，加我qq(进军美利坚群里有我)

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-22 20:42:10

10.22 The parents do not understand their children as well today asparents understood their children 50 years ago


With the development of the modern society, people get extremely busingin their careers. For most of people, more time spending on work means lesstime caring their children. Nowadays, I hold that parents don't understandtheir children as well as 50 years ago. Here come my reasons.


    First andforemost, according to the advancement of technology and fiercer competitionthan ever before, people have to learn more skills to secure their positions incompany. Generally speaking, they should spend more time recognizing andcommanding new trends related to their work field. That is to say, less timewill be allotted to their children. As we known, communication is the mostimportant way to understand the children, but if the parents can't spare anytime to do this, then how can they get closer to their children? Back to thoseold days, such as 50 years ago, even we can't deny the posterity of thetechnology, but work-related stress was comparative small because of the slowpace of the renewed skills. People could take a relative permanent job withoutlearning new things from time to time, so they had much time to play with theirchildren and understand them.


    Secondly, abundantmaterial conditions provide the new generation with various high-tech productsthat parents never imagined. Consequentially, a gap is generated betweenparents and children for the different perceptions of the same thing. Forexample, many children indulge in the computer games, and parents feel its hardto understand because they think sitting before a machine for a whole day seemsto be boring. Plus, children like to play electrical products such as iPod andiTouch, and I bet most parents have no idea what they are supposed to be. Ifparents can't get a full appreciation of the new things, they can't understandtheir children's thought neither. However, limited by the economical andtechnology elements, you can't find computer or iPod 50 years before. So theanterior life could be simpler and easier, and parents have no need to learnmuch new information to understand their children.


   In conclusion, progress in the technology brings us a new problem. Inone side, parents need to spend more time learning new skills instead ofcommunicating with their children, in the other side, children have gottentheir distinctive fun ways that parents can't approach. Thus, parents do notunderstand their children as well today as 50 years ago.

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作者: liuguagua    时间: 2009-10-23 20:35:28

17# shirley072

10.22 The parents do not understand their children as well today asparents understood their children 50 years ago* ?/ O( ], h$ I4 ]: C6 v8 J* K4 s

With the development of the modern society, people get extremely busyingin their careers. For most of people, more time spending on work means lesstime caring their children. Nowadays, I hold that parents don't understandtheir children as well as 50 years ago. Here comes my reasons.

" W0 |
    First andforemost, according to the advancement of technology and fiercer competitionthan ever before, people have to learn more skills to secure their positions incompany. Generally speaking, they should->have to 表明不得不 spend more time recognizing andcommanding new trends related to their work field. That is to say, less timewill be allotted to their children. As we known, communication is the mostimportant way to understand the children, but if the parents can't spare anytime to do this, then how can they get closer to their children? Back to thoseold days, such as 50 years ago, even we can't deny the posterity of thetechnology, but work-related stress was comparative small because of the slowpace of the renewed skills. People could take a relative permanent job withoutlearning new things from time to time, so they had much time to play with theirchildren and understand them.- u9 ^& L, F4 z0 D- z+ q

?
    Secondly, abundantmaterial conditions provide the new generation with various high-tech productsthat parents never imagined. Consequentially, a gap is generated betweenparents and children for the different perceptions of the same thing. Forexample, many children indulge in the computer games, and parents feel its hardto understand because they think sitting before a machine for a whole day seemsto be boring. Plus, children like to play electrical products such as iPod andiTouch, and I bet most parents have no idea what they are supposed to be. Ifparents can't get a full appreciation of the new things, they can't understandtheir children's thought neither. However, limited by the economical andtechnology elements, you can't find computer or iPod 50 years before. So theanterior life could be simpler and easier, and parents have no need to learnmuch new information to understand their children.( P5 x7 i9 L1 \
( {  q0 H3 p+ X2 t; g$ y2 Y
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   In conclusion, progress in the technology brings us a new problem. Inone side, parents need to spend more time learning new skills instead ofcommunicating with their children, in the other side, children have gottentheir distinctive fun ways that parents can't approach. Thus, parents do notunderstand their children as well today as 50 years ago.

备注：你的思路跟我一样，但是不论文章的结构，还是语言都高出我很多！思路很清晰，结构很清楚，句式变化也很多。词语变化也很多。
从你文章里边收了很多过渡词。谢谢了

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-23 21:04:10



10.23 大学应不应该要求所有的学生都学习除了本国文化以外的文化？


According to the development of the modern world, relationship between countries becomes tighter than ever before, which inspires us to know more about other countries.Basically, I hold that college students should learn the foreign cultures besides our own culture. Here come my reasons.


    First and foremost,learning the foreign cultures helps us to understand the foreigner's behaviors.Avoiding to be left behind, we should always keep informed with the world events. However, we can't get a full appreciation about what we've seen, like wars those triggered by the culture disputes in other countries. Without culture knowledge, we are only appalled by these presentative disasters via the suffering people and the collapse of the city, but can't reach the essence of the fight.In addition, watching foreign movies needs your primary culture background whichassist you to understand different customs.


    Secondly, learning other cultures will help us to expand our psychiatric world, assimilate the merits of others' and reflect on ourselves more often. As proved by the history of China,cutting the links to the outside world brought to a blink economic and material conditions compared to the other countries. This situation changes because of the innovation and "open to world" policies. As far as I am concerned, culture discrepancy is a first obstacle we should cross in order to learn ideas or technologies in developed countries. Some people may argue that why is culture? Ok, try to imagine if you don't know how to be polite in their ways, it is possible that they are reluctant to corporate with you for your unconscious "rudeness".


    In conclusion, learning different cultures can make good to our understanding of the other countries,improve countries' communication and relationships. Thus, I reckon that adding the foreign cultures into the compulsory courses in college is necessary.

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作者: beangt    时间: 2009-10-24 00:15:11

With the development of the modern society, people get extremely busing(busy) in their careers. For most of people, more time spending on work means less time caring their children. Nowadays, I hold that parents don't understand their children as well as 50 years ago. Here come my reasons.

First and foremost, according to the advancement of technology and fiercer competition than ever before, people have to learn more skills to secure their positions in company. Generally speaking, they should spend more time recognizing and commanding new trends related to their work field. That is to say, less time will be allotted to their children. As we known, communication is the most important way to understand the children, but if the parents can't spare anytime to do this, then how can they get closer to their children? Back to those old days, such as 50 years ago, even we can't deny the posterity of the technology, but work-related stress was comparatively small because of the slow pace of the renewed skills. People could take a relatively permanent job without learning new things from time to time, so they had much time to play with their children and understand them.


; P& m/ E! R' O. Y! i0 E" M    Secondly, abundant material conditions provide the new generation with various high-tech products that parents never imagined. Consequentially, a gap is generated between parents and children for the different perceptions of the same thing. For example, many children indulge in the computer games, and parents feel it’s hard to understand because they think sitting before a machine for a whole day seems to be boring. Plus, children like to play electrical products such as iPod and iTouch, and I bet most parents have no idea what they are supposed to be. If parents can't get a full appreciation of the new things, they can't understand their children's thought neither. However, limited by the economical and technology elements, you can't find computer or iPod 50 years before. So the anterior life could be simpler and easier, and parents have no need to learn much new information to understand their children.  n( T! Z6 V" `) {* R& N* i

, t( a5 c; @, m' u5 y. r1 \, X! G: s9 X$ l0 T; w9 h
   In conclusion, progress in the technology brings us a new problem. In one side, parents need to spend more time learning new skills instead of communicating with their children, in the other side, children have gotten(got) their distinctive fun ways that parents can't approach. Thus, parents do not understand their children as well today as 50 years ago.
读了楼主的文章足足20min，学了不少词和用法。对不起，结构和内容上始终挑不出什么毛病。
在这回复你上次说的我的问题吧。戴云老师推荐5段结构文章。第四段可以写写反面的minor advantages，但要在最后一段及时转回来，我的那篇可能转的不太好。
当然，也推荐楼主看一下5段的文章。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-29 16:48:10



10.29 Modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for theyoung people to have the ability to plan and organize.


With the development of modern society, situation seems to be more complex than ever before. What we need is not just expanding our knowledge related to the innovated technology, but to command the ability to plan and organize.


Once you set a goal, you'd better figure out a plan to achieve it. Plan acts as a guide composed of processions which should be done step by step. An efficient plan will assist you to succeed. For example,if you want to be a biological scientist years after, obviously, you may choose to learn more subjects of biology in your college, in addition, you could schedule an appropriate time to enter a lab since biology is a practical science which requires you to test your ideas with experiments. Sequentially,combining your own advantages with the outside conditions, you might consider about continuing your career in a college or a company. Unless you have the ability to make a plan and organize it well, you will lose because of not knowing what to do.


A good plan can always help you out when you get stuck. With the advent of the explosive information nowadays, environments keep changing from time to time, thus we can't make sure the conditions depicted on our plan retains the same after several days or years. We must often check the details with our right now experiences. If the things deviate our expectations,we should set another plan or change to make up the errors. My point is,commanding an ability to plan and organize play an important part in our roads to success.


There goes a saying, everything begins with tremendous hardness. However in my opinion, a better plan will make it easy. And that is why an ability to plan and organize seems to be extraordinary important.

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作者: paddyhy    时间: 2009-10-30 00:48:54


With the development of modern society, situation seems to be more complex than ever before. What we need is not just expanding our knowledge related to the innovated technology, but to command the ability to plan and organize.
Command用得好
Once you set a goal, you'd better figure out a plan to achieve it. Plan acts as a guide composed of processions which should be done step by step.这两句写得太好啦 An efficient plan will assist you to succeed. For example,if you want to be a biological scientist years after, obviously, you may choose to learn more subjects of biology in your college, in addition, you could schedule an appropriate time to enter a lab since biology is a practical science which requires you to test your ideas with experiments. Sequentially, combining your own advantages with the outside conditions, you might consider about continuing your career in a college or a company. Unless you have the ability to make a plan and organize it well, you will lose because of not knowing what to do.7 [#这一段写得 ]' S% \! Q; Y
这一段写得好啊。。我看了好几遍。。
A good plan can always help you out when you get stuck. With the advent of the explosive information nowadays, environments keep changing from time to time, thus we can't make sure the conditions depicted on our plan retains the same after several days or years. We must often check the details with our right now（current） experiences. If the things deviate our expectations,we should set another plan or change to make up the errors. My point is,commanding an ability to plan and organize play an important part in our roads to success.
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There goes a saying, everything begins with tremendous hardness. However in my opinion, a better plan will make it easy. And that is why an ability to plan and organize seems to be extraordinary important.
写得相当好了。。语言功底很深啊。。佩服。。

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作者: heqiang_1001    时间: 2009-10-30 06:26:39



With the development of modern society, situation seems to be more complex than ever before. What we need is not just expanding our knowledge related to the innovated technology, but to command（？我没有查到command ability.不太确定） the ability to plan and organize."

Once you set a goal, you'd better figure out a plan to achieve it. Plan acts as a guide composed of processions which should be done step by step. An efficient plan will assist you to succeed. For example,if you want to be a biological scientist years after, obviously, you may choose to learn more subjects of biology in your college, in addition, you could schedule an appropriate time to enter a lab since biology is a practical science which requires you to test your ideas with experiments. Sequentially,combining your own advantages with the outside conditions, you might consider about continuing your career in a college or a company. Unless you have the ability to make a plan and organize it well, you will lose because of not knowing what to do

A good plan can always help you out when you get stuck. With the advent of the explosive information nowadays, environments keep changing from time to time, thus we can't make sure the conditions on our plan retains the same after several days or years. We must often check the details with our right now experiences. If the things deviate our expectations,we should set another plan or change to make up the errors. My point is,commanding an ability to plan and organize play an important part in our roads to success.这一段观点句说能够帮我们走出困境，后面的论证却说我们应该根据环境的变化时刻调整计划……有点跑了恩

There goes a saying, everything begins with tremendous hardness. However in my opinion, a better plan will make it easy. And that is why an ability to plan and organize seems to be extraordinary important.

很强大恩！第二段论证的很好，很严密，例子也很贴切。第三段稍微有点跑题。学习了很多用法。感谢。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-10-30 19:18:08



10.30 A university plans to develop a new researchcenter in your country. Some people want a center for business research. Otherpeople want a center for research in agriculture (farming). Which of these twokinds of research centers do you recommend for your country? Use specificreasons in your recommendation.


If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I feel like wanting a center for research in agriculture.Obviously, my country, China, has redundant natural resources which contribute to the basis for the development of farming instead of business. And combining our realistic conditions, I reckon that we should explore our agriculture technology as our priority task.
First and foremost, our vast territory range provides us with more possible cultivated actions. In the other side, we haven't used it totally because of the limited technology.  For example, huge deserts exist in the northwest areas, and they expand year after year, turn the soil unavailable. Aswe all known, there is no immediate therapies to this problem, however at least, we may figure out how to decrease the its turning speed as long as we have a relative research center focusing on the farming problems. In addition,accompanied by the advance of agriculture technology, more farmers will be released to other fields, like service or high-tech concentrated career, I believe this will help us win the future competition in the world.
Secondly, we need to change the patter of export.Historically, China was considered as a big country with maximum raw material exporting. This characteristic made us unable to gain more trading revenue, and finally led to a low increase pace of our national economy. So, I think aagriculture research center is more attractive because it is expected raised the measures to solve such those questions. Detailedly, scientists in this center may design an innovated technology to make the raw materials transit to various goods favored by other countries, improving our economic development.
As far as Iam concerned, China has its unique advantage on agriculture, which we should take a reasonable use of. Thus, I prefer to construct a farming research centerin my country.

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作者: Amber0926    时间: 2009-10-31 02:06:24

If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I feel like wanting（没听说wanting啊，seting up） a center for research in agriculture.Obviously, my country, China, has redundant natural resources which contribute to the basis for（of） the development of farming instead of business. And combining our realistic conditions, I reckon that we should explore our agriculture technology as our priority task.

: T/ |+ f: Q& j& Q7 P% Z0 l2 }First and foremost, our vast territory range provides us with more possible cultivated actions. In the other side, we haven't used it totally because of the limited technology.  For example, huge deserts exist in the northwest areas, and they expand year after year, turn the soil unavailable. Aswe all known, there is no immediate therapies to （cure）this problem, however at least, we may figure out how to decrease the its turning speed as long as we have a relative research center focusing on the farming problems. In addition,accompanied by the advance of agriculture technology, more farmers will be released to other fields, like service or high-tech concentrated career, I believe this will help us win the future competition in the world.（最后一句思维好跳跃啊，并且句子真的好长）

1 w3 C/ V9 C6 r" S$ Q) o+ U% FSecondly, we need to change the patter of export.Historically, China was considered as a big country with maximum raw material exporting（去掉）. This characteristic made us unable to gain more trading revenue, and finally led to a low increase pace of our national economy. So, I think aagriculture research center is more attractive because it is expected raised the measures to solve such those questions.（这个理由没看懂如何支持论点） Detailedly, scientists in this center may design an innovated technology to make the raw materials transit to various goods favored by other countries, improving our economic development.

+ _6 `& z0 r$ d$ CAs far as Iam concerned, China has its unique advantage on agriculture, which we should take a reasonable use of. Thus, I prefer to construct a farming research centerin my country.

太晚了，大致看了下，首先你太爱写长句了，每一段都有好几个。适当的一两个就够了。要知道咱们没足够能力写出perfect的长句，写得多错的多。根据考试经验哪怕你语言平实单词不华丽，只要结构明朗逻辑合理，分数都不低。另外感觉你某些句子会乱加词，就是按中国话来描述加的词。其他没发现什么问题。至于优点我就不多少了，其实楼主功底还可以的，适当改正下定会有好成绩！

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作者: scutgong    时间: 2009-10-31 16:37:06

If a university plans to develop a new research center in my country, I feel like wanting（feel like 本来就有情感意思，建议这里选择其他的词语，如constructing） a center for research in agriculture. Obviously, my country, China, has redundant natural resources which contribute to the basis for the development of farming instead of business. And combining our realistic conditions, I reckon that we should explore our agriculture technology as our priority task.

First and foremost, our vast territory range provides us with more possible cultivated（cultivable） actions. In the other side, （Unfortunately更好吧）we haven't used it totally because of the limited technology.  For example, huge deserts exist in the northwest areas, and they expand year after year, turn the soil unavailable. As we all known, there is no immediate therapies （therapies是不是与前面is有点矛盾）to this problem, however at least, we may figure out how to decrease the its turning speed as long as we have a relative research center focusing on the farming problems. In addition, accompanied by the advance of agriculture technology, more farmers will be released to other fields, like service or high-tech concentrated career, I believe this will help us win the future competition in the world.

Secondly, we need to change the patter of export. Historically, China was considered as a big country with maximum raw material exporting. This characteristic made us unable to gain more trading revenue, and finally led to a low increase pace of our national economy. So, I think agriculture research center is more attractive because it is expected raised the measures to solve such those questions. Detailedly, scientists in this center may design an innovated technology to make the raw materials transit to various goods favored by other countries, improving our economic development.

As far as I am concerned, China has its unique advantage on agriculture, which we should take a reasonable use of. Thus, I prefer to construct a farming research center in my country.

总体来说，我觉得作者写的不错的。从两个角度分别说了agriculture center的重要性。在遣词方面，需要注意些，详见以上的注释。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-11-4 16:33:26



11.4 It has been said, "Not everything that islearned is contained in books." Compare and contrast knowledge gained fromexperience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source ismore important? Why？




Actually, knowledge can be gained either from books or from experience. As far as I am concerned, I reckon that gaining knowledge from experience is more important. Here come my reasons.


First and foremost, theories learned from books are not sufficient to solve all the practical problems. Take biology research as anexample. I have heard a tutor commented one of his students as a thoughtful person, who got fundamental basis through reading a large number of books and articles but at the same time didn't like to do experiments. Lack of feedback knowledge from experiences in experiment, he will never figure out the truth behind the surface. Just as we know, practice is crucial and necessary to research. By doing experiments, we accumulate information and knowledge to continuously verify our ideas, finally we can lead a way out.


Secondly, the book will not tell you every solution when you need help, comparatively, the guide attained from experience would offer you assistance immediately. Back to our college life, why should practice considered as an important part of our education course? Because, we must learn more knowledge directly from experience. Like communicating with people, we'd better rely on ourselves instead of finding out the exact words originating in books  when we have a chat. Once you screw it up, never mind, the fail experience you gained will remind you of what should be done when you encounter the similar problems. These things are never contained in books.


There goes a saying, Learn in Action. I believe the adage encourages us to learn in experiences. Obviously to most of people, reciting the principles in books is kind of difficult compared to acquiring the first-hand feedback knowledge in experience. So, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is more important.

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作者: paddyhy    时间: 2009-11-5 03:23:28

Actually, knowledge can be gained either from books or from experience. As far as I am concerned, I reckon that gaining knowledge from experience is more important. Here come my reasons.开头简洁，好！

% f8 D
First and foremost, theories learned from books are not sufficient to solve all the practical problems. Take biology research as anexample. I have heard a tutor commented one of his students as a thoughtful person, who got fundamental basis through reading a large number of books and articles but at the same time didn't like to do experiments. Lack of feedback knowledge from experiences in experiment, he will never figure out the truth behind the surface. 这个例子开头引的时候很突然感觉Just as we know, practice is crucial and necessary to research. By doing experiments, we accumulate information and knowledge to continuously verify our ideas, finally we can lead a way out.这段写得不是正常水平啊。。觉得有点空呢。。

n2 y2 Z# j- g* z
Secondly, the book will not tell you every solution when you need help, comparatively, the guide这里用guide合适吗 attained from experience would offer you assistance immediately. Back to our college life, why should practice considered as an important part of our education course? Because, we must learn more knowledge directly from experience. Like communicating with people, we'd better rely on ourselves instead of finding out the exact words originating in books  when we have a chat. Once you screw it up, never mind, the fail experience you gained will remind you of what should这里按作者的意思是不是应该是shouldnot be done啊 be done when you encounter the similar problems. These things are never contained in books.


There goes a saying, Learn in Action. I believe the adage encourages us to learn in experiences. Obviously to most of people, reciting the principles in books is kind of difficult compared to acquiring the first-hand feedback knowledge in experience. So, in my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is more important.
看完觉得没有你以前写的好呢。。最然没什么语法错误但是好像词汇用得有点太突兀的感觉不是那种简单有确切的词汇。。论证还可以。。加油吧。。我也不会写啊。。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-11-5 18:08:55



11.5 Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think that it is always better to have ateacher. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to develop your essay.


As far as I am concerned, correct methods and work efficiency play a crucial role in the procession of achieving success. Some people insist learning by themselves for the free arrangement of the studying time, however,we've no idea if they command efficient learning skills that help. Therefore, I hold that it is always better to have a teacher. Here come my reasons.


First and foremost, we could acquire some better systematical learning methods provided by teachers. This is an important point especially in our first contacting with unfamiliar fields. We could not even know where to begin, or which part seems to represent the main idea. All these obstacles may let you down, or force you to give up. However, if we get a teacher, situation will completely change. First, teacher is considered as a specialist in his field, that is to say, he owns a large amount of knowledge or experience to share with us. Second, we can also get a full appreciation depicted by the teacher of how to commence on this subject or which part should be focused on. There goes a saying, everything begins with tremendous hardness.Fortunately, our teachers will help to make it easy for us to overcome this problem, and furthermore, accompany us along with his brilliant intelligence.


Secondly, according to the favor made by teachers,we could easily promote our work efficiency. For example, we always confront with some difficult concepts that seem hard to understand, not mention to apply these complicated terms in our actual life. Then you turn to a dictionary or internet in order to figure out what these mean, but as I see, the most quick way is to ask a teacher, there are some reasons. First, the dictionary only offers the simplest explanation about the terms which may not sufficient to help you understand, in the other side, internet is filled with explosive information which need you to go though and pick up some useful description which is obviously a time-consuming stuff. If we have a better choice, why not use it. Just bring our puzzle to teachers, they can give an answer immediately, besides, they'd like to provide more background and relative material at the same time to assist you to digest. Sometimes, you can learn more things based on their own experience which you can't find anywhere else and which may sever as an impossible measure to advance your work efficiency.


Industrious work is necessary but not enough to attain success. Thanks to the assistance from our teacher, we may get a chance to learn better, and in my opinion, this will make our road to success comparatively easier.

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作者: karen_0315    时间: 2009-11-6 20:05:00

As far as I am concerned, correct methods and work efficiency play a crucial role in the procession of achieving success. Some people insist learning by themselves for the free arrangement of the studying time, however,we've no idea if they command efficient learning skills that help. Therefore(为什么要说因此，这里没有什么因果关系链接), I hold that it is always better to have a teacher. Here come（s） my reasons.


First and foremost, we could acquire some better systematical learning methods provided by teachers. This is an important point especially in our first contacting with unfamiliar fields. We could not even know where to begin, or which part seems to represent the main idea. All these obstacles may let you down, or force you to give up. However, if we get a teacher, situation will completely change. First, teacher is considered as a specialist in his field, that is to say, he owns a large amount of knowledge or（and） experience to share with us. Second, we can also get a full appreciation depicted by the teacher of how to commence on this subject or which part should be focused on.这句话我有点puzzle，appreciation是赞扬，欣赏的意思，depict是描绘的意思，commence是及物动词可以直接接宾语，commence 和subject我查了一下好像也不太合适 There goes a saying, everything begins with tremendous hardness.Fortunately, our teachers will help to make it easy for us to overcome this problem, and furthermore, accompany us along with his brilliant intelligence.


Secondly, according to the favor made by teachers,we could easily promote our work efficiency. For example, we always confront with some difficult concepts that seem hard to understand, not mention to apply these complicated terms in our actual life. Then you turn to a dictionary or internet in order to figure out what these mean, but as I see, the most quick （quickest）way is to ask a teacher, and there are some reasons. First, the dictionary only offers the simplest explanation about the terms which may not sufficient to help you understand, in the other side, internet is filled with explosive information which need you to go though and pick up some useful description which is obviously a time-consuming stuff. If we have a better choice, why not use it. Just bring our puzzle to teachers, they can give an answer immediately, besides, they'd like to provide more background and relative material at the same time to assist you to digest. Sometimes, you can learn more things based on their own experience which you can't find anywhere else and which may sever as an impossible measure to advance your work efficiency.

Industrious work is necessary but not enough to attain success. Thanks to the assistance from our teacher, we may get a chance to learn better, and in my opinion, this will make our road to success comparatively easier.

第一个主体段落的TS是老师交给我们的好的方法，但是段落里面的论证没有针对这个TS进行。第二个主体段落的TS是让我们工作的更有效率，可是第二段一直在说老师给我解答问题很方便。
语言基本是中译英，但是词往往的搭配不当。这个多看一些文章提高的很快的
内容逻辑问题比较大，总体比较混乱。一段定了主题句就要根据它来写。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-11-11 20:20:01



11.11 Governments should focus more on naturalenvironment problems and less on economic developments.


Accompanying with the increasing development of economic, lots of environment problems become apparent in various aspects ofsociety. Some people, especially those engaged in environment protection, argue that government should focus more on natural environment problems and less oneconomic developments, however, I hold a contrast idea that more attention should be pay on the latter one. Here come my reasons.


Thank to the economic development, our lives turn to be better than ever before, filled with abundant material resources. However at the same time, more and more environment problems emerge as byproduct of this development which threaten our health directly or indirectly. As to me, a best solution is to solve these problems thoroughly without decelerating the speed of economic development. Why is that? Because, we need more fund invested in solving the environment problems. For these problems should not be considered as piece of cake, like greenhouse effect, we must contemplate seriously, better make a plan with several steps to take chronologically, and arrange appropriate researchers to trace every little changes or feedbacks to our measures. All of these need suppose of money. And essentially and importantly, economic development could bring us more money to apply our solutions reserving the environment.


On the other hand, with the development of economic,the number of environment  problems seem to decline. Let's take China, my country, as an example. Years before,continuously suffering starvation, we have no energy or conscious to concern the environment pollution. My country at that time was filled with unprocessed waste gas from heavy
industry or poisonous water incorrectly drained out by factories and so on. I can never image how much hazards these dangerous elements made to our settings, not mention to ourselves. However, this situation extinguished because of our developed economic. Take a look at our present days, promotion of material condition strives us to concentrate on our life quality, as well as our conferences. Then, more and more environment problems are avoided artificially along with the developed economic. Follow the historical trace, we can expect more advance society with less environment problems.


In conclusion, more available fund will be offered ascribe to the development of economic. With theses money, we could figure out the solutions to protect environment better. Besides, we are able to avoid making the silly mistakes on settings. All in all, I believe government should focus more on economic developments and less on economic developments.

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作者: DriftKing    时间: 2009-11-11 23:33:35



11.11 Governments should focus more on naturalenvironment problems and less on economic developments.% y3 h2 x9 c: e# G+ `, J

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Accompanying with the increasing development of economic, lots of environment problems become apparent in various aspects ofsociety. Some people, especially those engaged in environment protection, argue that government should focus more on natural environment problems and less on economic developments, however, I hold a contrast idea that more attention should be pay on the latter one. Here come my reasons我觉得这句没必要
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Thank to the economic development, our lives turn to be better than ever before, filled with abundant material resources. However【,】 at the same time, more and more environment problems emerge byproduct of this development【是不是were emerged会好点？】 which threaten our health directly or indirectly. As to me, a best solution is to solve these problems thoroughly without decelerating the speed of economic development. Why is that? Because, we need more fund invested in solving the environment problems. For these problems should not be considered as piece of cake, like greenhouse effect, we must contemplate seriously, better make a plan with several steps to take chronologically, and arrange appropriate researchers to trace every little changes or feedbacks to our measures. All of these need suppose of【/】 money. And essentially and importantly,【that is to say是不是好点】 economic development could bring us more money to apply our solutions reserving the environment.我觉得这一段后边的表达有些绕口，其他都非常的好

On the other hand, with the development of economic,the number of environment  problems seem to decline. Let's take China, my country, as an example. Years before可以这么用吗？,continuously suffering starvation, we have no energy or conscious【这个是形容词吧】 to concern the environment pollution. My country at that time was filled with unprocessed waste gas from heavy! industry or poisonous water incorrectly drained out by factories and so on. I can never image how much hazards these dangerous elements made to our settings, not mention to ourselves. However, this situation extinguished because of our developed economic. Take a look at our present days, promotion of material condition strives us to concentrate on our life quality, as well as our conferences. Then, more and more environment problems are avoided artificially along with the developed economic. Follow the historical trace, we can expect more advance society with less environment problems感觉和上一个观点差不多啊

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In conclusion, more available fund will be offered ascribe to the development of economic. With theses money, we could figure out the solutions to protect environment better. Besides, we are able to avoid making the silly mistakes on settings. All in all, I believe government should focus more on economic developments and less on economic developments.

卷卷同学的优点是很明显的，观点明确，结构紧凑，细节新颖
不过我觉得还需要注意一下问题
因为我觉得你两个观点比较相近，所以建议在想一个吧
还有就是表达有些缺少变换
当然了 即便这样 你还是做的比我好多了 向你学习！

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作者: 我是chineselady    时间: 2009-11-12 22:15:49

Accompanying with the increasing development of economic, lots of environment problems become apparent in various aspects ofsociety. Some people, especially those (who are) engaged in environmental protection, argue that government should focus more on natural environment problems and less oneconomic developments, however, I hold a contrast idea that more attention should be pay->时态 on the latter one. Here come my reasons.开头写的很好简洁又清晰

Thank to the economic development, our lives turn to be better than ever before, filled-->觉得filling做伴随比较好 with abundant material resources. However at the same time, more and more environmental problems emerge as byproduct of this development which threaten our health directly or indirectly. As to me, a best solution is to solve these problems thoroughly without decelerating the speed of economic development--> the best solution to solve these problems is to decelerate speed of economic development. Why is that? Because, we need more fund invested-->to invest in solving the environment problems. For these problems should not be considered as (a) piece of cake, like greenhouse effect 建议从起一句, we must contemplate seriously, better make a plan with several steps to take chronologically, and arrange appropriate researchers to trace every little changes or feedbacks to our measures.前一句子貌似很长但是实际都是简单句子拼一起.建议分开 All of these need suppose of money. And essentially and importantly个人认为用一个就好, economic development could bring us more money to apply our solutions reserving the environment.

n the other hand, with the development of economic,the number of environment  problems seem to decline. Let's take China, my country, as an example. Years before,continuously suffering (from) starvation, we have no energy or conscious..?? to concern the environment pollution. My country--China at that time was filled with unprocessed..?? waste gas from heav industry or poisonous water incorrectly drained out by factories and so on. 那个时候很穷...好像没有什么工业可谈的吧..工业农业都不怎么占优势.饥饿跟工业正好相反...有工业了还怕没饭吃? I can never image how much hazards these dangerous elements made to our settings, not mention to ourselves. However, this situation extinguished because of our developed economic. Take a look at our present days, promotion of material condition strives us to concentrate on our life quality, as well as our conferences. Then, more and more environment problems are avoided artificially along with the developed economic. Follow the historical trace, we can expect more advance society with less environment problems
可以说下哪方面污染得到了提高. 例子不恰当, 不符合历史和逻辑

In conclusion, more available fund will-->用should有建议的含义 be offered ascribe to the development of economic. With theses money, we could figure out the solutions to protect environment better. Besides, we are able to avoid making the silly mistakes on settings. All in all, I believe government should focus more on economic developments and less on economic developments. 语法还好了. 内容再丰富些

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-2 16:43:26



12.2 It is more fun to see a movie in the cinema with other people than see a movie at home.

Going to movies become a most popular way to release our pressure and enjoy our lives. Then, where would you like to choose to spend your movie time, going to the cinema or just staying at home? As for me, I prefer to see a movie in the cinema, for I could get more fun with other people.

First, cinema offers a larger place where can easily hold numerous people, anyone of you has the opportunity to communicate with other people. With bigger screen and better sound apparatus, astonishing visual and sound effect are provided, leading us to an sensitive level with occasional emotion eruption. At this time, we always feel like to talk to others about particular pictures or words emerged seconds before. However, if you stay at home, especially alone, you may find no one to share. In the other case, you are not sure that your father or other family members besides you would get the same appreciation as you. For instance, some days before, I invited my friends to see Harry Potter in the cinema, when you arrive, you will find most of people talk excitedly about clues related to Harry Potter. It's amazing! Here, we behave as funs congregating together in the cinema to share our communal eager and comments. Such a big fun cannot be gained at home.

Additionally, emotions exaggerate much easier according to people's concentration and fully devotion, like sobbing and laughing. When movie goes to a sad section, some people shed the tears incontrollably. And the grieve conference will spread, most common people will feel even sad if they hear someone cried. The same rule can be applied to the laughter. I believe most of us have the experience that when sitting in the cinema, we often laugh louder or happier at the humorous plot. In my opinion that is because we laugh together, and our happy index increases. Then we achieve evaluated emotional level and obviously get more fun.

Besides, most people have a habit to eat popcorn and drink beverage when going to movies, it is tedious and complex to make pop-corn home. Then they would like to choose a cinema to watch movie. However, the most important reason for me to go to the cinema is that I can get more fun there than stay at home.

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作者: 林霄麟    时间: 2009-12-4 10:54:06

Going to movies becomes a most popular way to release our pressure and enjoy our lives.[我觉得这里主语有问题啦，我想这样好些吧：helps us to enjoy our life] Then, where would you like to choose to spend your movie time, going to the cinema or just staying at home? As for me, I prefer to see a movie in the cinema, for I could get more fun with other people.

First, cinema offers a larger place where can easily hold numerous people, anyone of you[everyone] has the opportunity to communicate with other people. With bigger screen and better sound apparatus, astonishing visual and sound effect are[is] provided, leading us to an sensitive level with occasional emotion eruption. At this time, we always feel like to talk to others about particular pictures or words emerged seconds before[ago]. However, if you stay at home, especially alone, you may find no one to share. In the other case, you are not sure that your father or other family members[这里是不是有些累赘…个人建议啊] besides you would get the same appreciation as you. For instance, some days before[ago], I invited my friends to see Harry Potter in the cinema, when you arrive, you will find most of people talk excitedly about clues related to Harry Potter.[这里主语出现问题了，讲的是“我”的经历，要保持都用第一人称哦] It's amazing! Here, we behave as funs congregating together in the cinema to share our communal eager and comments. Such a big fun cannot be gained at home.

Additionally, emotions exaggerate much easier according to people's concentration and fully devotion, like sobbing and laughing. When movie goes to a sad section, some people shed the tears incontrollably. And the grieve conference will spread, most common people[这里我觉得用the majority of people好些吧] will feel even sad[even + 比较级] if they hear someone cried[crying]. The same rule can be applied to the laughter. I believe most of us have the experience that when sitting in the cinema, we often laugh louder or happier at the humorous plot. In my opinion that is because we laugh together, and our happy index increases. Then we achieve evaluated emotional level and obviously get more fun.

Besides, most people have a habit to eat popcorn and drink beverage when going to movies, it is tedious and complex to make pop-corn home. Then they would like to choose a cinema to watch movie. However, the most important reason for me to go to the cinema is that I can get more fun there than stay at home.

我觉得楼主的作文有好多很好的细节，这是优点。个人觉得还是该有个小型的结尾吧。另外要注意细节咯。
PS：谢谢你的批改哦~

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作者: hualazimi    时间: 2009-12-4 16:53:42

12.2 It is more fun to see a movie in the cinema with other people than see a movie at home./ z! ^5 F* x8 q  @" o
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Going to movies become a most popular way to release our pressure and enjoy our lives. Then, where would you like to choose to spend your movie time, going to the cinema or just staying at home? As for me, I prefer to see a movie in the cinema, for I could get more fun with other people.( t6 h. x()3 `7 v
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First, cinema offers a larger place where can easily hold numerous people, anyone of you(us) has the opportunity to communicate with other people. With bigger screen and better sound apparatus, astonishing visual and sound effect are provided, leading us to an sensitive level with occasional emotion eruption. At this time, we always feel like to talk to others about particular pictures or words emerged seconds before. However, if you stay at home, especially alone, you may find no one to share with. In the other case, you are not sure that your father or other family members besides you would get the same appreciation as you. For instance, some days before, I invited my friends to see Harry Potter in the cinema, when you arrive, you will find most of people talk excitedly about clues related to Harry Potter. It's amazing! Here, we behave as funs congregating together in the cinema to share our communal eager and comments. Such a big fun cannot be gained at home.
' W' ^  h" `( c7 J  @- j/ x" o
& z! e; r7 I2 [- K9 X9 j4 eAdditionally, emotions exaggerate much easier according to people's concentration and fully devotion, like sobbing and laughing. When movie goes to a sad section, some people shed the tears incontrollably. And the grieve conference will spread, most common people will feel even sad if they hear someone cried. The same rule can be applied to the laughter. I believe most of us have the experience that when sitting in the cinema, we often laugh louder or happier at the humorous plot. In my opinion that is because we laugh together, and our happy index increases. Then we achieve evaluated emotional level and obviously get more fun./ G" ~+ d+ g( }; z( s

: J/ C* J% n" O5 nBesides, most people have a habit to eat popcorn and drink beverage when going to movies, it is tedious and complex to make pop-corn home. Then they would like to choose a cinema to watch movie. However, the most important reason for me to go to the cinema is that I can get more fun there than stay at home.
童鞋的文字驾驭能力很强，语言生动流畅，值得我学习，结尾再多阐述一下就更好了！赞一个~~

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-7 22:36:13



12.7 Agree or disagree, in order to succeed, youshould be more like others than be different from everyone else.


Generally speaking, those people who make a great assignment and overweigh the others in a particular field are defined assuccessful men. Thus, in my opinion, only being different from everyone else will provide the chance for us to achieve success.


In order to succeed, we should study better than everyone else no matter which method we choose. For example, most of us will prefer to go to school attaining educations. There, we learned the knowledge for the first time, in a sense, that means we all stand at the same starting line. After the sound of gun-shoot, the competence begins. You can imagine that if everyone keeps at the same speed as others, where the gold cup goes to? Once you determine to succeed, what you should consider first is how to be different and brilliant so as to prevail the others. Like in the class, the teacher would probably offers you identity contents, most students could possibly record the teacher's word one by one without further understanding, however, some cleverer ones may absorb the information with their own way by making a little change on the notes. In fact, the latter ones have more chance to get a high score, for what they learn is not only the knowledge, but also the skills to learn more. And the skills will be the key to let you command the necessary information on the road to success.


Additionally, being successful means bold to creating new things. Take a look at the human process nowadays, advancements are often accompanied by the completely new and innovated ideas. This is better embodied in the aspect of science and technology. See, the most famous magazine Science, Nature and Cell collect the extraordinary found in theories. The successful authors of these articles should form their own perceptions based on the previous experiments on the similar mechanisms which require they abandoning the stereotypes and daring to put up brand new ideas which obviously different but better than anyone else.


As to me, difference always equal to specialty,and being special will make you more competent in the contest. So, in order to succeed, you should do your best in every aspect ensuring that you are preceding the others.

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作者: 枫叶满天    时间: 2009-12-8 13:31:43

Generally speaking, those people who make a great assignment and overweigh the others in a particular field are defined assuccessful men. Thus, in my opinion, only being different from everyone else will provide the chance for us(people 议论文迫不得已不用第一人称) to achieve success., P1 y6 q  z' F4 N7 F

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In order to succeed, we should study better than everyone else （to be outstanding）no matter which method we choose(个人觉得这样写会实际一点，也和题目观点接近). For example, most of us will prefer to go to school attaining educations(attain educations at school). There, we learned the knowledge for the first time, in a sense, that means we all stand at the same starting line. After the sound of gun-shoot, the competence begins. You can imagine that if everyone keeps at the same speed as others, where the gold cup goes to? Once you (a person) determine(s) to succeed, what you(he) should consider first is how to be different and brilliant so as to prevail the others. Like in the class, the teacher would probably offers yous identity (students identical) contents, most students could possibly record the teacher's word one by one without further understanding, (.)however(However however做副词时不能连接两个独立分句，具体的可以用google搜一下), some cleverer ones may absorb the information with their own way by making a little change on the notes. In fact, the latter ones have more chance to get a high score, for what they learn is not only the knowledge, but also the skills to learn more. And the skills will be the key to let you(him) command the necessary information （and be）on the road to success（succeed）.9 G8 P5 }& z* f6 C* k  J, t; ]  o
这一段展开的非常不错，细节很支持论点，不过美国人习惯在议论人中绝不出现第二人称

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Additionally, being successful means bold to creating new things. Take a look at the human process nowadays, advancements are often accompanied by the completely new and innovated ideas. This is better embodied in the aspect of science and technology. See, the most famous magazine(s) Science, Nature and Cell collect the extraordinary found in theories. The successful authors of these articles should form their own perceptions based on the previous experiments on the similar mechanisms which require they abandoning (我不知道require有没有这样的用法,但是有require sb. should do这样的用法，其中should可以省掉，所以是不是应该改成abandon包括后面的dare) the stereotypes and daring to put up brand new ideas which obviously different but better than anyone else.1 ^  b# K


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As to me, difference always equal(s) to specialty,and being special will make you(people) more competent in the contest. So, in order to succeed, you(people) should do your(their) best in every aspect ensuring(to ensure) that you are preceding the others.

我的批改意见都已经在文章里了，个人觉得写得还不错。

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作者: 林霄麟    时间: 2009-12-8 20:08:03

Generally speaking, those people who make a great assignment and overweigh the others in a particular field are defined assuccessful[?] men. Thus, in my opinion, only being different from everyone else[个人觉得这里everyone有些绝对，和所有人都不一样是不可能的，改成the other弱化语气好些，当然，个人意见啦~] will provide the chance[more chances] for us to achieve success.

In order to succeed, we should study better than everyone else no matter which method we choose.[这句段首句有些不合适，我觉得，特别是no matter which method we choose] For example, most of us will prefer to go to school attaining[表目的用to do] educations. There, we learned the knowledge for the first time, in a sense, that means we all stand at the same starting line. [时态有点乱]After the sound of gun-shoot, the competence begins. You can imagine that if everyone keeps at the same speed as others, where the gold cup goes to? Once you determine to succeed, what you should consider first is how to be different and brilliant so as to prevail the others. Like in the class, the teacher would probably offer you identity contents, most students could possibly record the teacher's word one by one without further understanding, however, some cleverer ones may absorb the information with their own way by making a little change on the notes. In fact, the latter ones have more chance to get a high score, for what they learn is not only the knowledge, but also the skills to learn more. And the skills will be the key to let you command the necessary information on the road to success.（这个例子蛮好咧~）

Additionally, being successful means bold to creating new things. （好论点）Take a look at the human process nowadays, advancements are often accompanied by the completely new and innovated ideas. This is better embodied in the aspect of science and technology. See, the most famous magazine Science, Nature and Cell collect the extraordinary found in theories. [个人感觉这种举例方法似乎有些生硬...]The successful authors of these articles should form their own perceptions based on the previous experiments on the similar mechanisms which require they abandoning the stereotypes and daring to put up brand new ideas which obviously different but better than anyone else.

As to me, difference always equal to specialty,and being special will make you more competent in the contest. So, in order to succeed, you should do your best in every aspect ensuring that you are preceding the others.
总的来说写的蛮好啦~加油~

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-8 21:21:58



12.8 printed book have had greater effects onsociety than television has?


Along with the invention of television many years ago, our world was paint with the colorful tones and our life became abundant. It is also a great process in human's history. But when it comes to the effects on our life, television can not take place of the printed book, which still hold the greater influence on society.


First of all, we should notice that printed books are the necessities when we get to study in the school, it is the book teaching us knowledge, leading us to see the world. So far, I haven't found the television teaching being the first choice to conveying the knowledge. We keep continuously accumulate knowledge through reading a large number of books, no matter where we are. As we know, behaviors of human are considered as the most key point in shaping the world. And the knowledge we learned from the book is definitely the main source to guide our actions. Television acts more like an amusement tool for fun. For example, increasing people especially the young incline to imitate the hairstyles showed up in television. Actually, the phenomenon like this is prevalent on society, but after all, changing hairstyle is only a minor trend influencing a few people. Compare to the emerging of computer, which result from some people's hard working through learning and applying exist knowledge present on the printed books, you will find it easily that printed books bring in more important consequence on human society.


Additionally, considering basic characteristics of the book and television, the latter one has a limitation to make more influence on society. Technically speaking, the book wins for it contains more information. Even we can produce many TV programs, but it is hard for us to make a program prevail the books in detail and depth, not mention to the length. A book could contain thousands of pages to elaborate one high-tech skill thoroughly, but a program has the time limitation to describe the same skill. Obviously the clearer one will be from the books, then, when we have to use this skill, we turn to printed book but not television. Printed book recorded and now records explosive knowledge and extraordinary found in human society, and these information will help people to make world a better place in turn.


Finally,television has its own advantage to conveying information, for instance,television is fast in transporting news among nations. So I think television is an accessory way to make effects on society. In all, as far as I am concerned,printed book have had greater effects on society.

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作者: 素怿    时间: 2009-12-9 14:31:22

Along with the invention of television many years ago, our world was paint with the colorful tones and our life became abundant. It is also a great process in human's history. But（改成However，比较好吧） when it comes to the effects on our life, television can not take place of the printed book, which still hold the greater influence on society.

First of all, we should notice that printed books are the necessities when we get to study in the school, it is the book teaching us knowledge, leading us to see the world.（厄，这个句子看着有些奇怪，是不是book后面加that 后面的动词去ing比较好？要是我说错了，别见怪哈） So far, I haven't found the television teaching being the first choice to conveying the knowledge. We keep continuously accumulate knowledge through reading a large number of books, no matter where we are. As we know, behaviors（behavior这里应该是不可数名词吧） of human are considered as the most key point in shaping the world. And the knowledge we learned from the book is definitely the main source to guide our actions. Television acts more like an amusement tool for fun. For example, increasing people especially the young incline to imitate the hairstyles showed up in television. Actually, the phenomenon like this is prevalent on society, but after all, （这个貌似不能连用吧）changing hairstyle is only a minor trend influencing a few people. Compare to the emerging of computer, which result from some people's hard working through learning and applying exist knowledge present on the printed books, you will find it easily that printed books bring in more important consequence on human society. . \  L/ j3 h, g3 I' y
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Additionally, considering basic characteristics of the book and television, the latter one has a limitation to make more influence on society. Technically speaking, the book wins for it contains more information. Even we can produce many TV programs, but it is hard for us to make a program prevail the books in detail and depth, not mention to the length. A book could contain thousands of pages to elaborate one high-tech skill thoroughly, but a program has the time limitation to describe the same skill. Obviously the clearer one will be from the books, then, when we have to use this skill, we turn to printed book but not television. Printed book recorded and now records explosive knowledge and extraordinary found in human society, and these information will help people to make world a better place in turn.0 n' V. ^; e. z1 C7 e$ x" S

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Finally, television has its own advantage to conveying information, for instance, television is fast in transporting news among nations. So I think television is an accessory way to make effects on society. In all, as far as I am concerned, （这两个词组连用有点点奇怪）printed book have had greater effects on society.
楼主的文字驾驭能力很好哇，例子的阐述得都很清楚，还有一些词组的运用，都值得我学习~~
没有什么意见可以给的，所以改的都是一些小地方，要是有说错的地方楼主不要介意哈~~
Ps：谢谢你给我提的建议，很有道理的说~~~

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作者: sosodiu    时间: 2009-12-9 19:42:22

12.8 printed book have had greater effects on society than television has?
"

Along with the invention of television many years ago, our world was paint with the colorful tones and our life became abundant. It is also a great process in human's history. But when it comes to the effects on our life, television can not take place of the printed book, which still hold the greater influence on society.
First of all, we should notice that printed books are the necessities when we get to study in the school, it is the book teaching us knowledge, leading us to see the world. So far, I haven't found the television teaching being the first choice to conveying the knowledge. We keep continuously accumulate knowledge through reading a large number of books, no matter where we are. As we know, behaviors(behavior应该是不可属的 human behavior是一个词组应该指人类的活动~而写成behavior of human的话 感觉语义上有一点点不明确了) of human are considered as the most (是否应该加个adj. ~ 用most 形容key point吗？ )key point in shaping the world. And the knowledge we learned from the book is definitely the main source to guide our actions. Television acts more like an amusement tool for fun. For example, increasing people especially the young incline to imitate the hairstyles showed up in television. Actually, the phenomenon like this is prevalent on society, but after all, changing hairstyle is only a minor trend influencing a few people. Compare to the emerging of computer, which result from some people's hard working through learning and applying exist knowledge present on the printed books, you will find it easily that printed books bring in more important consequence on human society.
（提点小小建议~这一段我个人觉得整体到后半段结构有点散 可能是因为那个haircut的例子有些些不适当~导致有些runaway的感觉~因为这一段你所给的主题句应该是书本带给我们知识、拓宽视野，而haircut这个例子用来例证amusement tool已经有些牵强了，对于整段的论点帮助就更小了~其实最后那个computer那的例子我觉得很好喔也能正面例证你前文的观点~~可以考虑下~）
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Additionally, considering basic characteristics of the book and television, the latter one has a limitation to make more influence on society. Technically speaking, the book wins for it contains more information. Even we can produce many TV programs, but it is hard for us to make a program prevail （prevail 貌似是个不及物动词~）the books in detail and depth, not mention to the length. A book could contain thousands of pages to elaborate one high-tech skill thoroughly, but a program has the time limitation to describe the same skill. Obviously the clearer one will be from the books, then, when we have to use this skill, we turn to printed book but not （rather than）television. Printed book recorded and now records explosive knowledge and extraordinary found in human society, and these information will help people to make world a better place in turn.
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Finally, television has its own advantage to conveying information, for instance, television is fast in transporting news among nations. So I think television is an accessory way to make effects on society. In all, as far as I am concerned, printed book have(has) had greater effects on society.

文章句式丰富~词汇丰富（好羡慕~~~~~~~） 而且我觉得你有一个很大的优点就是段落的末尾都有一定的深化收尾 不过就要谨慎些收尾的地方 哈哈 因为很容易扯进新的东西  很多词的用法我不是特别清楚~（原谅我初中水平单词量）~  改错的地方大家一起探讨探讨

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-9 21:34:39



实际上不太理解题目到底什么是more effective。。。


12.9 Do you agree or disagree teacher who is aserious and strict person more effective than a teacher is humor and iseasygoing person.


When I was a student, I had met a lot of teachers bearing different personalities. Some of them were strict and the others might be humorous and easygoing. Honestly, teachers with sense of humor are always popular among the students for they seem to easily get along. However, I still hold that a serious and strict teacher will be more effective than a humorous one.


First of all, we should notice that the major job of teacher is teaching us knowledge, and what he's done will possibly influence our impression of the subject. Since learning knowledge is a serious and precise work, we should treat with the studying carefully and respectfully.Imagining that one humorous historical teacher always tries to make jokes about the events or our heroes by making up some legends, then, it is probably that all we remember clearly are the stories that maybe never and even exist. In contrast, a serious teacher who often complies with the original facts from the book. Assuming we can recite the same length of contents, the facts will be our first choice instead of funning jokes through a serious and strict teacher.


To some extent, an easygoing teacher may give out a false illusion that the subject is also easy to learn, and the humorous traitis opt to make students not taking the subject seriously. As we know, jokes make people laugh and the same time release the pressure. However, it is pressure which make people strive for. And a strict teacher impress us with a serious attitude, making us fell a little worried or even scared if we don't finish the work. Then, keep indulge in this mold, we have to do our best to study. In this way, we have a chance to learn more effectively.


Finally,some student may argue that the strict teacher seems to be a little dull. Yes,it's true. But think about our main task and goal when studying in schools,that is learning knowledge. As far as I am concerned, the most effective way to learn is under guide of strict and serious teachers.

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作者: SilentScorpius    时间: 2009-12-10 12:36:35

When I was a student, I had met a lot of teachers bearing different personalities. Some of them were strict and the others might be humorous and easygoing. Honestly, teachers with sense of humor are always popular among the students for they seem to easily get along(with). However, I still hold that a serious and strict teacher will be more effective than a humorous one.

    First of all, we should notice that the major job of (a)teacher is teaching us knowledge, and what he's done will possibly influence our impression of the subject. Since learning knowledge is a serious and precise work, we should treat with the studying carefully and respectfully.Imagining that one humorous historical teacher always tries to make jokes about the events or our heroes by making up some legends, then, it is probably that all we remember clearly are the stories that maybe never and even exist(never ever existed?). In contrast, a serious teacher who often complies with the original facts from the book. Assuming we can recite the same length of contents, the facts will be our first choice(不是很明显的指代) instead of funning jokes through a serious and strict teacher.(这个句子需要重新组织下)
   To some extent, an easygoing teacher may give out a false illusion that the subject is also easy to learn, and the humorous traitis opt to make students not taking the subject seriously. As we know, jokes make people laugh and the same time release the pressure. However, it is pressure which make people (to)strive for(learning). And a strict teacher impress us with a serious attitude, making us fell a little worried or even scared if we don't finish the work. Then, keep indulge(indulging) in this mold, we have to do our best to study. In this way, we have a chance to learn more effectively.
    Finally,some student may argue that the strict teacher seems to be a little dull. Yes,it's true. But think about our main task and goal when studying in schools,that is learning knowledge. (dull=studying...米国人估计不懂)As far as I am concerned, the most effective way to learn is under guide of strict and serious teachers.

LZ说明了Effective的原因，这点比我的作文好多了...不过有些句子需要重新组织，例子也可以更具体一点，使逻辑更加明显.

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-10 23:40:15



12.10 孩子应该是玩和学习还是做家务household chores？


Many people believe that children should realize the hard aspect of their lives as early as possible by doing the household chores.However, considering the instinctive nature of children and increasing competence in the future, I hold that children should prefer to play for fun and study in order to prepare well for the future.


When I was a child several years before, the most excited thing attracts me is to play with my friends. Childhood is regarded to be a happy and airy time in our life, because child is so young to figure out the running rules of the world, not mention to worry about some fact problems like wearing and eating. They are just getting start to touch the world, before the time they have to work for life, they deserve enjoying themselves. And an appropriate way for children to have fun is playing. In contrast, doing household chores is possible to make children feel tired and break their beautiful expects or imaginations of life. In addition, never accounton children to do the household chores well, that means parents should spend more time to redo the works.


Nevertheless, accompanying with the increasing fierce competence, the future life will become harder and harder. Many parents have realize this point now, so they work industriously to give their children a better circumstance in order to make them starting at a higher level. For instance, they carefully choose the educational place for children from kindergarten to primitive school,and also some special class like piano-teaching which is also on the list. A better school always means a heavy burden and more learning task. In order to finish the assignment, children should spare more time to study. Furthermore, doing household chores will definitely occupy the studying time, leading to low efficiency in learning knowledge. After all, learning earlier benefits childrenin accumulating knowledge which will play an important role in the future competence.


Finally,playing in childhood will make a wonderful memory, in the other hand, studying when we were little children may provide us an elevated starting stage. So, I deem that playing and studying should be children's first choice instead of household chores.

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作者: cindynana    时间: 2009-12-11 21:07:51

12.10 孩子应该是玩和学习还是做家务household chores？% P8 o, i- ?; C* n! W1 n% g/ w

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Many people believe that children should realize the hard aspect of their lives as early as possible by doing (the) household chores. However, considering the instinctive nature( 私以为有点重复，还是有固定搭配？)of children and increasing competence in the future, I hold（good） that children should prefer to(weird a little) play for fun and study in order to prepare well for the future.; }. X/ y& |$ V/ y  N4 Z. i
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When I was a child several years before, the most excited-exciting thing attracts me is to play with my friends. Childhood is regarded to be a happy and airy(又学会了一个小词) time in our life, because child is so young to figure out the running rules（pretty） of the world, not mention to worry about some （fact] problems like wearing and eating--surviving. They are just getting start to touch the world, before the time they have to work-strive for life, they deserve enjoying themselves. And an appropriate way for children to have fun is playing. In contrast, doing household chores is possible to make children feel tired and break their beautiful expects or imaginations of life. In addition, never account on children to do the household chores well, that means parents should spend more time to redo the works.

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Nevertheless, accompanying with the increasing fierce competence—建议换词有重复, the future life will become harder and harder. Many parents have realize this point now, so they work industriously to give their children a better circumstance in order to—建议换句型，重复 make them starting at/with a higher level. For instance, they carefully choose the educational place for children from kindergarten to primitive-primary school, and also some special classes like piano-teaching which is also on the list. A better school always means a heavy burden and more learning tasks. In order to—第三次出现 finish the assignment, children would spare more time to study. Furthermore, doing household chores will definitely occupy the studying time, leading to low efficiency in learning knowledge. After all, learning earlier benefits children in accumulating knowledge which will play an important role in the future competence.& n* c% v+ }0 d1 _0 P  F& b( J9 y8 g


Finally, playing in childhood will make-create a wonderful memory, in the other hand, studying when we were little children may provide us an elevated starting stage. So, I deem that playing and studying should be children's first choice instead of household chores

总的来说，给人的印象很好，尤其是语感，相当严谨。几乎没有语法错误，词用得很恰当，但是希望能再大胆一点。楼主的词汇量不少，可以多用一些可以替换的词避免重复。
在结构上，楼主同意玩和学习反对做家务。第一BODY段，从正面说，第二个从逻辑的思维上给与一定的矫正，这个非常好。但我认为说理的成分有点多，加些其他的论证方法会更好。

谢谢楼主的点评，很入骨~~我也觉得我第一段那句话说的很纠结。智力的那个例子是因为写着写着就写high了，忘了。。。要是像楼主一样严谨就好了。。

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-16 22:47:36



Take a look at our courses in college, basic science is considered as an important part constituted to the whole learning schedule.For nearly every college regards these basic science related courses as the compulsive ones and makes us to learn them before our professional courses, I believe and approve that it is necessary for us to learn the basic science ahead of ourspecialty knowledge.


First and foremost, basic science courses act as the basis for our better appreciation of specialty. Accompanying with the development of science and technology, brand new skills or breakthrough request intense cooperation of different fields. Take my major, biology, as an example,in the past years, people have done a great assignment of unveiling the life secrets, like the mechanism of cell division. However, for most people who converge on the micro-scale level, traditional biological methods are not sufficient any more, they turn to a new way by merge merits of chemistry and biology, and found a fresh subject: biochemistry. The major characteristic of biochemistry is applying some chemical methods to investigate cell division, like injecting small chemical molecular into cells. If we never had chemistry, a basic science course, we would have no idea about the common sense of this new conception of biochemistry, not mention to apply the chemical method. Then our research might probably stall. Since the cross-discipline become a main trend nowadays, owinga basic knowledge of science is crucial. And learning the basic science courses in the college is a appropriate way for us the command the knowledge.


Additionally, our development is not limited in the relative field by choosing our specialty, that means, we should prepare fully for the future job. As we all know, numerous people's work are not the extent of their research in college. For instance, most large corporations provide with lots of jobs without major limitation. They favor people with logical and critical thinking, integrated skills. As for us, solely focusing on our specialty seems not to be a good idea to suit for the request of these corporations.Since we can't avoid the situation of working in another field several years after, the realistic solution is that learning every course well, and we can't neglect the basic science courses. Besides, basic science courses assist to constitute our logical capacity.


I hold that basic science courses are important. We can't neglect them.

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作者: shirley072    时间: 2009-12-23 13:50:39

12.23 Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?It’s better to watch serious movies that help people think than towatch movies that couldamuse and entertain people.

Frankly speaking, both types of  movies attract me. Which one will be my first choice dependson my moods that moment. So, I probably select a comedic movie just for fun,and the other side, pick up a meaningful one to see through the world or humanity.

Along with the development of modern society, people geteven harder work task, that means they opt easily to be tired. Worry, anxiety,tension influence people and torture their nerves. Then, what's a perfect wayto release these pressure? Nowadays, most people prefer to go to movies toamuse themselves. In this situation, a movie which designed only for entertainis a wonderful choice. The key point is that the funny movie makes you laugh,and forget all the troublesome things even for a little while.

In the other word, movie is considered as an art work whichoriginates from our life, and reflect our behavior. Watching a serious moviewill make us concentrate, and provoke our similar or potential feelings. Takethe movie, Crash, as an example. The main two characters with color bias performtwo different ways in treating various emergency. This make us think about thedeeper level of the personalities, and teach us that a man who superficiallybeing kind is not always be a good guy when getting in trouble. Looking intothe human history, thinking make us grow up and better in handling problems.

Finally, I want to emphasis that both movie are necessarybecause funny movies make us for free, and serious ones make us see throughourselves. I will choose to see either one suiting my feelings.

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作者: yuminjia    时间: 2009-12-24 09:23:56

48# shirley072
12.23 Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?It’s better to watch serious movies that help people think than towatch movies that couldamuse and entertain people.3 x8 V) v3 k5 z) A

Frankly speaking, both types of  movies attract me. Which one will be my first choice depends on my moods that moment. So, I probably select a comedic movie just for fun, on the other side, and pick up a meaningful one to see through the world or humanity.

`Along with the development of modern society, people get even harder work task, which means they opt easily to be tired. Worry, anxiety, tension influence people and torture their nerves. Then, what's a perfect way to release these pressures? Nowadays, most people prefer to go to movies to amuse themselves. In this situation, a movie designed only for entertainment is a wonderful choice. The key point is that the funny movie makes you laugh and forget all the troublesome things even for a little while.

In the other word, movie is considered as an art work which originates from our life, and reflect our behavior. Watching a serious movie will make us concentrate, and provoke our similar or potential feelings. Take the movie, Crash, as an example. The main two characters with color bias perform two different ways in treating various emergencies. This make us think about the deeper level of the personalities, and teach us that a man who is a superficially being kind is not always (be) a good guy while getting in trouble. Looking into the human history, thinking makes us grow up faster and better in handling problems.# B% z. I, ~7 j# X

Finally, I want to emphasis that both movies are necessary because funny movies make us for free, and serious ones make us see through ourselves. I will choose to see either one suiting my feelings.

楼主底子不错,写的时候注意些小的语法错误,单复数一致

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作者: shiwei83    时间: 2009-12-24 19:16:33



Frankly speaking, both types of  movies attract me. Which one will be my first choice depends on my moods （最好删去that moment）. So, I probably select a comedic movie just for fun, and 删去the other side, may pick up a meaningful one to see through the world or humanity.（用词意思不清楚），

Along with the development of modern society, people get even harder work task, that means they opt easily to(同义重复) be tired. Worry, anxiety, tension influence people and torture their nerves. Then, what's a perfect way to release these pressure? Nowadays, most people prefer to go to movies to amuse themselves. In this situation, a movie which designed only for entertain is a wonderful choice. The key point is that the funny movie makes you laugh, and forget all the troublesome things even for a little while.

In the other word, movie is considered as an art work which originates from our life, and reflect our behavior. Watching a serious movie will make us concentrate, and provoke our similar or potential feelings. Take the movie, Crash, as an example. The main two characters with color bias perform two different ways in treating various emergency. This make us think about the deeper level of the personalities, and teach us that a man who superficially being kind is not always be a good guy when getting in trouble. Looking into the human history, thinking make us grow up and better in handling problems.

Finally, I want to emphasis that both movie are necessary because funny movies make us for free, and serious ones make us see throughourselves. I will choose to see either one suiting my feelings.

主要问题：
1.文章篇幅有些短，最好能300词以上
2.一般情况下，最好不要用折中的观点，因为这样会使你的写作重点不突出，可以参考一下范文，多用“一边倒”的写法。
3.你的文章结构不错，但是简单句居多，单词和句式还缺少变化。

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