2.18Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues.修改后的~~ It is a competitive issue whether government should pay more attention to health care issues or on environment issues. I concede that health care issue is very important for the citizens because it relates to a person’s life. However, from a comprehensive view, government should pay more attention on environment issues rather than health care issues.: N& z: ^$ Y$ Z; ~. x7 P For one thing, many health care issues are caused by environment issues to some extent. As(with) the development of the economy, the problems concerned(on) environment issues have attract many people’s attention such as(such us应该放在environment issue之后,放这里是对attention的举例) the green house effect, air pollution and it likes(it likes怎么用的?不了解). In the mean time, many diseases have been approved of coming up with the environment issues. For example, the destruction of the ozonosphere, which is due to the certain element using for air conditions, has cause millions of people suffer from skin cancer during the past decade. Hence, to some extent(这段用了2次,最好换下避免重复), only if solving the problems about environment issues ,can we hope to solve the problem related with heath care issues.这里最好也换个表达,有点重复的感觉 3 B, M% h5 Q! B2 U$ u, X For another, government should pay more attention on the environment issues because it can benefit our offspring. The environment issues grow(become) more serious than before in the modern society. Many nonrenewable resources has been abused and wasted. Biological environment has (been terribly destroyed)serious stroke by air pollution, greenhouse effect and so on. Government should launch effective measure to cope with such problem which can benefit not only the health of citizen nowadays but also leaving more available resource for our offspring. For example, if we cannot control the emission of gas from the vehicles, the green house effect will cause many cities emerging into the sea after several decade years. It will not only leave(leave不恰当,用主动表达吧) many people lost their home but also make many species extinct so that it could break down the food chain in the ecological environment which should be considered as a disaster for the human being.这一长句,最好变成两句。前面说人,后面来个what's worse...讲species e% w) d6 V0 H3 M: h In a conclusion, although many health cares should be solved immediately because there are still many people in the world who cannot gain effective medical treatment, we recommend government pay more attention on the environment issues. Because many health care issues are on the basis of air pollution, destruction of ecological environment it will waste time to cope with the health care directly by ignoring the current big problem in the environment issues. Besides, facing the environment issues can benefit our offspring as well. It will give them a available space and resource for them to explore so that they will live a better life.最后一段,跟前面内容大幅重复。最后换点句式,比如疑问句,强调句啊,简洁点概括下就好。 总体: 每段的模式都是先中心句再论述,我也这么做的,但每次都是不能高度概括论点,你的概括的挺好,而且后文依论点展开阐释。 文章没什么大问题,就是要多注意下同义词的替换,句式也可以再丰富些! 还有,结尾要再改改! |
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