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标题: 开个贴写作文-dy [打印本页]

作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-5 12:00:05     标题: 开个贴写作文-dy

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-11 21:08 编辑

[code][code]07年10月27日
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement Observing or studying animals can teach us a lot of human nature.


        Have you ever been astonished by some behaviours of animals on TV programs or movies:the young strong lion expels the old lion king ruthlessly and takes over his realm;the antelopes hold together to defend against the wild wolf though they still often fight for food and territory at ordinary times?Some people point out that these are similar with human behaviours and observing or studying animals can teach us a lot of human nature。

        It may be true that the animal nature has something in common with the human naturaI,as according to Darwin‘s theory,there is no fundamental difference between man and the higher mammals in their mental faculties and the difference between human intelligence and animal intelligence is a matter of degree, not of kind。However,is it possible or necessary for our humans to learn our nature from animals?We enter the human society as soon as we are born。 From then on,we associate with other people everyday through a variety of ways,such as making friends,doing business,working together,marriage and so on,through which we can learn our human nature very well。In addition,the reason why we feel astonished by some animals‘behaviours like the examples of lions and antelopes mentioned above is that we see some“human nature" in those animals rather than we are suddenly enlightened that we seem to have such nature too。

        In consequence,there are neither necessary nor possible for us to learn the human nature from observing or studying animals。I hold the point that instead of learning the human nature,we had better learn the unique and excellent skills from some animals,which can actually benefit our humans。


修改


Since time immemorial, humans and animals have been living in a close connection sharing this World. In additionaccording to Darwin‘s theoryman evolved from animals and there is no fundamental difference between men and the higher mammals in their mental facultiesKeeping in this train of thought, I would agree that observing animals can teach us about some human nature.
First of allas humans evolved from animals, studying animals can help us understand our nature better. Human intelligence are higher than animals‘。We can inhibit our animal instinct some timeswhich make our nature much more inaccessible than animals’。For instance, human beings have a totally different solution when others provoke them compared with animals." In most casesif a tiger were provoked by a wild dog or another tiger, there would be a fierce fight at once. However, we people often try to find rational solutions to the problem without conflict when provoked, but it doesn’t mean that humans don’t have the instinct of revenge. So as humans have more complicated or reserved responses, it is helpful to learn about human nature from animals.
In addition, observing the living situation of animals can show us how people disrespect surrounding nature and our Planet. Entire Planet is becoming the victim of human behavior and greed. Today, Human needs for farmland, housing, and industry has shrunk animals’ habitat greatly. What’s more, many animals with high commercial value have become endangered or even extinct due to man killing. For example, we can see tigers today only at the zoo, because they became so endangered by the man actions that it would be risky leaving them in nature.
In conclusion, I believe that studying and observing animals, our ancestors and victims, do can help us know the human nature better.
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-5 22:09:25

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-5 22:19 编辑

3.5Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most people prefer having other people make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves

A well-known Chinese motto says,“great people make decisions for others;superior people make decisions for themselves;ordinary people have others make decisions for them。I had ever doubt it。Yet after experiencing and meditating some phenomena in the society,I gain its essential truth。

There is a familiar situation that when people have to make a significant decision,most of the people tend to resort to the senior people in their family or their boss。As far as I am concerned,that is just because that they fear to take the responsibility if they make a wrong decision。For example,when those people attend a university,they tend to have their parents to choose the major for them。Because they are afraid to be blamed when they can’t find a well-paid job after they graduate。Besides,when they are on the horns of a dilemma in their work,they prefer to throw the puzzle to their boss rather than solve it by themselves。Because they want to make an excuse when they fail。

Also, there are some indecisive and unconfident people who like to have the god to make decision for them。They like to toss a coin。They believe in astrology。Yet the only ones they don’t trust are themselves the last thing they want to do is to be a decision maker。

All in all,with knowing the fact that there are so fewer people who can be considered as great or superior people in contrast to the ordinary ones,I think most of people in the world are not responsible or confident enough to make decisions for themselves。
zy凑够300字了,来不及改了,先发上来凑数~
作者: zhisnoopy    时间: 2010-3-6 11:28:09

A well-known Chinese motto says,“great people make decisions for others;superior people make decisions for themselves;ordinary people have others make decisions for them。I had ever doubt it。Yet after experiencing and meditating some phenomenas in the society,I gain its essential truth。 4 X6 [: j1 A) F$ r# ^  n

There is a familiar situation that when people were asked to make a significant decision,most of people tend to appeal to(这个词我改掉是因为我查了下字典,貌似resort to后面接物,或者方法,不能接人,所以我换成appeal to了。是否正确不确定,大家讨论下呢?) the senior people in their families or their boss。As far as I am concerned,that is just because they fear for taking responsibility as if they make a wrong decision。For example,when those people attend a university,they tend to have their parents to choose the major for them。Because they are afraid to be blamed when they can’t find a well-paid job after their graduation。Besides,when they are on the horns of a dilemma in their work,they prefer to throw the puzzle to their boss rather than solve it by themselves。Because they want to make an excuse when they fail。

Also, there are some indecisive and unconfident people who would like to have the god to make decision for them。They prefer to toss a coin。They believe in astrology。Yet the only one they don’t trust is themselves,and the last thing they want to do is to be a decision maker。 . V( |, @/ J, @# F, d

All in all,with knowing the fact that there are so fewer people who can be considered as great or superior people in contrast to the ordinary ones,I think most of people in the world are not responsible or confident enough to make decisions for themselves。


LZ用词很有深度哦~~~~~,思路蛮清晰的,就是例子能再详细点就更好了~~~
作者: eejchen    时间: 2010-3-6 12:43:16

A well-known Chinese motto says,“great people make decisions for others;superior people make decisions for themselves;ordinary people have others make decisions for them“I had ever doubt it。Yet开头不太正式,可改为However, after experiencing and meditating some phenomena in the society,I gain its essential truth. 开头引用名言,赞~ G& r6 l* P$ q) ?; @- f4 c/ {

There is a familiar situation that when people have to make a significant decision,most of the people them tend to resort to the senior people in their family or their bosses。As far as I am concerned,that is just because that they fear to take the responsibility if they make a wrong decision。For example,when those people attend a university,they tend to have their parents to choose the major for them。Because they are afraid to be blamed when they can’t find a well-paid job after they graduate。Besides,when they are on the horns of a dilemma in their work,they prefer to throw the puzzle to their boss rather than solve it by themselves。Because they want to make an excuse when they fail。% f. a- A: ?3 h
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Also, there are some indecisive and unconfident people who like to have the god to make decisions for them。They like to toss a coin。They believe in astrology。Yet the only ones they don’t trust are themselves the last thing they want to do is to be a decision maker。

All in all,with knowing the fact that there are so fewer people who can be considered as great or superior people in contrast to the ordinary ones,I think most of people in the world are not responsible or confident enough to make decisions for themselves。句子写的还是很不错的,问题也不太多。但是结构和思路我有些不同的意见。作为托福作文,好像有一些约定俗成的结构形式,总分分总。但是这篇文章细节不太够,并且也没有跟题目紧密地连接起来。因为题目说人们prefer别人帮他们做决定,在文章里我没有看到你的明确回答。文章就是讲人们让他人make decisions for them来逃避责任,即使到了最后一句也是说人们不自信,不负责任地make decisions。不知道这样算不算跑题。
以上纯属个人浅见,如有不对请指正。


by 米
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-7 15:38:15

谢谢zhisnoopy,不检查果然还是会犯很多错误。另外resort to 我看老外写的文章好像也有接人的时候,不过也不是正式的文章上~~
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-7 15:44:26

小米说的很准确啊,我最大的问题就是不会举例子,尤其是碰到一些不好理解的题目,所以文章缺乏细节,都是一些大话,绕来绕去,结构也就没法顾及了,看了你和zhisnoopy的文章有了很大收获,打算抽时间把我的文章大改一次
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-7 23:40:28

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-7 23:43 编辑

Human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals

Never before in history have our needs for farmland, housing, and industry being more conflicting with the interest of animals than nowadays,especially the land for those endangered ones,due to the explosion of human population。Some people believe that humans have the priority to utilize all the natural resources。However,some others,especially environmentalists,maintain that the interest of humankind should not be obtained at the cost of the habitat of endangered animals。As far as I am concerned,the latter one is more reasonable due to the following explanations。


First of all,as some endangered animals have always been loved even been worshipped as a nation‘s symbol by human beings in all ages,it would be a heartbreaker for the people,if those animals disappear from the world。For example,pandas,the symbol of my country,China,have been endangered due to the excessive deforestation for farmland, housing, and industry since last century。However,many effective measures were taken as soon as we realized the dangerous situation of pandas,because it is too hard for our Chinese people to accept if pandas extinct.


In addition,we will suffer much from the extinction of some species。As all the creatures in the world connect with each other through some ways,such as competition and predation,the disappearance of one species is bound to cause negative effects on others。For instance,the Australians had killed all the wolves in their country for the protection of themselves and their sheep。However,the rabbits flourished before long with the extinction of their natural enemies,wolves, and ate out all the crops。Likewise,it is shortsighted to enjoy the immediate content to our needs by ruining the habitat of endangered animals, which may lead to their extinction。

From what has been discussed above,it is safety to draw the conclusion that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are never more important than saving land for endangered animals。

作者: zhisnoopy    时间: 2010-3-8 09:56:30

Never before in history have our needs for farmland, housing, and industry being more conflicting with the interest of animals than nowadays(最雷倒装结构的人,崇拜下这个句子……),especially the land for those endangered ones,due to the explosion of human population。Some people believe that humans have the priority to utilize all the natural resources。However,some others,especially environmentalists,maintain that the interest of humankind should not be obtained at the cost of the habitat of endangered animals。As far as I am concerned,the latter one is more reasonable due to the following explanations。

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First of all,as some endangered animals have always been loved even been worshipped as a nation‘s symbol by human beings in all ages,it would be a heartbreaker for the people,if those animals disappear from the world。For example,pandas,the symbol of my country,China,have been endangered due to the excessive deforestation for farmland, housing, and industry since last century。However,many effective measures were taken as soon as we realized the dangerous situation of pandas,because it is too hard for our Chinese people to accept pandas‘ extinction. (只是我觉得这样貌似能更通顺点……)
^: q; z$ T0 t

In addition,we will suffer much from the extinction of some species。As all the creatures in the world connect with each other through some ways,such as competition and predation,the disappearance of one species is bound to cause negative effects on others。For instance,the Australians had killed all the wolves in their country for the protection of themselves and their sheep。However,the rabbits flourished before long with the extinction of their natural enemies,wolves, and ate out all the crops。Likewise,it is shortsighted to enjoy the immediate content to our needs by ruining the habitat of endangered animals, which may lead to their extinction.(灰常好的句子哦~~)

From what has been discussed above,it is safety to draw the conclusion that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are never more important than saving land for endangered animals.

思路清晰,语言流畅,尤其有几个句子可以被拿来当范文背诵了哦,然后LZ的用词还是一如既往的漂亮……葱白一个哦~~~
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-8 11:02:43

感谢zhisnoopy的修改,pandas‘ extinction. 很地道,学到了^_^
作者: Gwill    时间: 2010-3-8 12:52:12

7# dphenixy


Never before in history have our needs for farmland, housing, and industry being more conflicting with the interest of animals than nowadays especially the land for those endangered ones,due to the explosion of human population。Some people believe that humans have the priority to utilize all the natural resources。However,some others,especially environmentalists,maintain that the interest of humankind should not be obtained at the cost of the habitat of endangered animals。As far as I am concerned,the latter one is more reasonable due to the following explanations。

First of all,as some endangered animals have always been loved even been worshipped as a nation‘s symbol by human beings in all ages. It would be a heartbreaker for the people,if those animals disappear(disappeared) from the world。For example,pandas,the symbol of my country,China,have been endangered due to the excessive deforestation for farmland, housing, and industry since last century。(give more information about the bad effects when the number of panda has decreased, like people’s feeling, or destroyed the environment’s balance, something like that…then it is more natural when you say however….and we carried out some ways to save them)However,many effective measures were taken as soon as we realized the dangerous situation of pandas,because it is too hard for our(for us) Chinese people to accept pandas‘ extinction.

In addition,we will suffer much(suffer much of what? )from the extinction of some species。As all the creatures in the world connect with each other through some ways,such as competition and predation,the disappearance of one species is bound to cause negative effects on others。For instance,the Australians had killed all the wolves in their country for the protection of themselves and their sheep。However,the rabbits flourished before long with the extinction of their natural enemies,wolves, and ate out all the crops。Likewise,it is shortsighted to enjoy the immediate content to(for) our needs by ruining the habitat of endangered animals, which may lead to their extinction.

From what has been discussed above,it is safety to draw the conclusion that human needs for farmland, housing, and industry are never more important than saving land for endangered animals.
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-8 13:22:54

非常感谢Gwill前辈的指点,几个细节确实大意了,就是if those animals disappear(disappeared) from the world为什么要用过去式呢
作者: speedzshaw    时间: 2010-3-9 12:02:46

3.7 修改 by speedzshaw
作者: mpromanus    时间: 2010-3-9 23:39:37

Have you ever been astonished by some behaviours of animals captured on TV programs or movies:the young strong male lion expels the old male lion king ruthlessly and takes over his realm;the antelopes hold together to defend against the wild wolf though they still often fight for food and territory at ordinary times?Some people point out that these are similar with to human behaviours and observing or studying animals can teach us a lot of human nature.

It may be true that the animal nature has something in common with the human nature. as according to Darwin‘s theory,there is no fundamental difference between men and the higher mammals in their mental faculties and the difference between human intelligence and animal intelligence is a matter of degree, not of kind. However,is it possible or necessary for our humans to learn about our nature from animals?We enter the human society as soon as we are born. From then on, we associate with other people everyday through a variety of ways,such as making friends,doing business,working together,marriage and so on,through which we can learn about our human nature very well. In addition,the reason why we feel astonished by some animals‘ behaviours like those of the examples of lions and antelopes mentioned above, is that we see some “human nature" in those animals, rather than we are suddenly enlightened that we seem to have such nature too. (I don't get your logic. Since you admit that there is some 'human nature' in the animals, then why would you say that observing animals can't teach humans about 'human nature'? The question you need to argue is that whether observing/studying animals CAN teach us a lot about human nature, not why we are astonished by animal behavior. Whether the behaviors are astonishing or not isn't important at all, in a way.)

In consequence,there are it is neither necessary nor possible for us to learn the about human nature from observing or studying animals。I hold the point that instead of learning the about human nature,we had better learn the unique and excellent skills (What 'skills' are your talking about here?) from some animals,which can actually benefit our humans. (Again, the question is not asking you what we SHOULD learn from animals.)

总结:

句子变化和词汇都很好,但是还是没有非常清晰地把题目问的事情说明白,而且也没有很具体实在的例证。在整体的结构方面也不是很完整,一般的标准是除了开头结尾之外应该有二-三段,每段说明一个分论点,而不是把所有的论证都放在一个大段落里面。这种作文的逻辑是很简单的,你如果要说否定,就等于是要说observing/studying animals CANNOT teach us a lot about human nature, 然后就围绕这个cannot来展开就好了,而不是东说一句西说一句最后也没有落实到这个大的方向上去。
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-12 21:52:19

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-12 22:37 编辑

3.12 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should only play sports for fun, not in competition or contests.

Last week,one of my neighbors,Wang Jie,a fourteen years old boy,hurt his leg in a school basketball game。As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating any sports contests。I doubt that whether their decision is advisable。

Admittedly,children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than just for fun,due to the fact that under the pressure from a contest,both inside and outside,children may try their best to win the game,without paying attention to their security,as it did in the case of my neighbor,Wang Jie。

However,the benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied。First of all,playing sports contests frequently,could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and how to adapt to it。This quality is of significance in their future lives,as our society is just like a huge sports ground with numerous fierce competitions showing on it every day.

In addition,only in public contests can children’s sports talents be found。Liu Xiang,the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current couch and thus entered the national sports team.

Finally,children could develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit through participating some team sports contests, while in a game just for fun, children may not care much about these。As we known,people with these quality are more likely to make achievements in their career。

From the discussion above,I can safely draw the conclusion that the advantages of taking part in a sports contest for children carries more weight than its disadvantages。Consequently,I strongly suggest that children participate as many sports contests as possible with paying certain attention to their security。
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-13 02:05:44

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-14 15:04 编辑

3.13 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should only play sports for fun, not in competition or contests.

第一次修改
Last week, one of my neighbors, Wang Jie, a fourteen years old boy, hurt his leg in a school basketball game. As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating in any sports contests from then on. I was astonished on hearing of their decision, since I believe it is inadvisable to prevent children from participating in sports contests.

Admittedly, children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than just for fun,due to the fact that under the pressure from a contest,both inside and outside,children would try their best to win the game,sometimes without paying attention to their security,as it did in the case of my neighbor, Wang Jie.

However, the considerable benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied. First of all, playing sports contests frequently could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and how to adapt to it. The more often children participate in sports contests, the more calmly they would face challenges in their future lives,as our society is just like a huge sports ground with numerous fierce competitions showing on it every day.

In addition, only in public contests can children’s sports talents be noted. Without doubt, our society abounds with such examples. Liu Xiang, the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current coach, and thus he entered the national sports team and won a gold medal in the 28th Olympic games eventually.

Last but not least, children could also develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit , two key factors to their achievements in their future career, through participating in some team sports contests. However, in a game just for fun, children may not care much about these.

From the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that undeniable though the possibility of hurt playing sports in competitions may cause is, it pays for children to do that frequently, if the considerable benefits it could bring are taken into consideration.

作者: tqidtest    时间: 2010-3-14 13:17:41

Last week, one of my neighbors, Wang Jie, a fourteen years old boy, hurt his leg in a school basketball game. As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating in any sports contests from then on. I was astonished on hearing of their decision, since I believe it is inadvisable to prevent children from participating sports contests.8 U;清晰明了


Admittedly, children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than just for fundue to the fact that under theboth inside and outside,??(这里我也太清楚,修饰语后置是否合理,不过不是什么大问题) pressure from a contestchildren would try their best to win the gamesometimes without paying attention to their securityas it did in the case of my neighbor, Wang Jie. + L" m$ x% @/ O1 h4 {+ m
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However, the considerable benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied. First of all, playing sports contests frequently could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and how to adapt to it. The more often children participate in sports contests, the more leisurely they would face challenges in their future lives
as our society is just like a huge sports ground field with numerous fierce competitions showing on it}
every day.9 c( ^) j6 {. Z) }
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In addition, only in public contests can children’s sports talents be noted. Without doubt, our society abounds with such examples. Liu Xiang, the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current or present?) couch, and thus he entered the national sports team and won a gold medal in the 29th Olympic games eventually. 7 D+ a4 x& I  z* U& a

At last but not least, children could also develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit , two key factors to their achievements in their future career, through participating in some team sports contests. However, in a game just for fun, children may not care much about these factors.



From the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that undeniable though the possibility of hurt playing sports in competitions may cause is, it pays for children to do that frequently, if the considerable benefits it could bring are taken into consideration.


三个观点非常清晰,赞。学习了,加油
作者: by19900610hnyt    时间: 2010-3-14 14:38:06

提示: 作者被禁止或删除 内容自动屏蔽
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-14 15:01:34

谢谢楼上二位修改,辛苦啦,
ps,原来北京是29th,这都没搞清楚⊙﹏⊙b汗
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-15 04:36:25

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-24 17:18 编辑

3.14
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Most people prefer having other people make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves

第一次修改版:
Recently a social survey showed that the majority of people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar truth, with awareness of the following facts.

First of all, following others’ decision is a habit developed and built since we were young children. For example, in primary or high school, children are obliged to study some compulsory subjects, even if we had no interest in them. At home, they are always requested to listen to their parents or other senior family members, otherwise punishment would fall on them. Under such circumstance, most of those children will be used to living under others’ guilds or orders rather than in terms of their own preference. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and posted them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, my mother tore down them and told me never to post such ugly stuff. From then on, I dare not do such things without permit. No doubt, as growing up, I formed a habit of having others make decisions for my own affairs because of my shortage in making decisions by myself.
i6 W:

In addition, to diminish or evade responsibilities is another importance factor for people to get others to make decisions for them. As we know, in the adult world, making decision often means taking responsibilities. Therefore, the majority of people tend to share the risks with others who make decisions for them. For example, when confronting some troubles or in a dilemma at work, most employees prefer to ask their colleagues or boss for making the decision rather than deal with it by their own means. The reason is obvious that if those people made a wrong decision by themselves, they may be fired, while if they just followed an improper decision from others, their responsibilities will be much lighter.


Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their great are just highlighted by their scarcity among people. v2 {; P0 \# C9 |In consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhood or fear to the responsibilities involved in decision making.

P.S 不知道选择这种消极的观点合不合适?


作者: 我是chineselady    时间: 2010-3-16 01:24:51

Recently, a social survey showed that most people prefer having others (to) make decisions for them rather than making decisions-->doing是不好点避免重复 by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar truth, with awareness of the following facts.首段最好点题明确观点

First of all, to follow a decision made by others is a habit developed and built since we were a child. For example, in primary or high school, we were obliged to take some compulsory subjects, even if we had no interest in them. At home, we are always told to listen to-->obey or follow the instrutions from our parents or other senior family members. Once we rebel-->didnt就好吧,这个词让我想起了造反..., we will be punished sharply. Under this circumstance, we even not allowed语法 to decorate our bedrooms as we want to. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and stuck them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, when my mother saw them, she just tore down them and told me never to stick such ugly stuff on the wall. From then on, I do not dare to do such things without permit. No doubt, as I grow up, I gradually used to having others plan my life-->i am gradually used to letting other make a plan for my life, and even to a certain extent, I prefer it due to my shortage of the ability to make decisions by myself.觉得小时候贴画的例子不合适,不是决定不决定的问题,是你贴了后被批评。贴画是生活中繁琐的事情,生活片段吧。貌似没"决定"来得严重。不妨说小时候本来喜欢钢琴后来被迫学素描(我的童年..),自己的决定做不了云云,后来长大就...

In addition, most adults, who have the right to control-->manage their lives, may also prefer to have others make decisions for them, due to their attempt to evade responsibilities. 主题句长了 As we know, in the adult world, making decision means not only enjoying rights but also taking responsibilities when the decision proves to be wrong读着有点幸灾乐祸的意思咩. For example, when confront some trouble or in a dilemma, most employees will resort to their boss at once rather than deal with it by their own means额。。这个观点,工作要积极

Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their great are just highlighted by their scarcity among people.这个放在这有点画蛇添足了,既没有展开跟前面的关系也不大

n consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhood and fear about the responsibilities involved in decision making.2位的观点选择的都不太好写,个人角度看不很同意你的例子。积极些的比较好吧,句子有变化不单一。个别地方表达中式了。另外目前年前人在工作岗位表现的还是蛮好的。才点评不好意思了
作者: tqidtest    时间: 2010-3-16 10:49:45

3.14 修改。
作者: mpromanus    时间: 2010-3-17 23:18:12

15# dphenixy

Last week, one of my neighbors, Wang Jie, a fourteen years old boy, hurt his leg in a school basketball game. As a result, his parents decided to constrain him from participating in any sports contests from then on. I was astonished on hearing of their decision, since I believe it is inadvisable to prevent children from participating in sports contests.

Admittedly, children are more likely to hurt themselves by playing sports in contests than by playing (Structures before and after a comparison should be parallel.) just for fun,due to the fact that under the pressure from a contest,both inside and outside,children would try their best to win the game,sometimes without paying attention to their security,as it did in the case of my neighbor, Wang Jie.

However, the considerable benefits children can enjoy by taking part in sports contests cannot be denied. First of all, playing sports contests frequently could familiarize children with the competitive atmosphere and with the idea of (Similar as the first comment. The structures before and after the 'and' should be parallel. This is a way to guide readers to define the overall shape of the sentence.) how to adapt to it. The more often children participate in sports contests, the more calmly they would face challenges in their future lives,as our society is just like a huge sports ground with numerous fierce competitions showing on it every day.

In addition, only in public contests can children’s sports talents be noted. Without doubt, our society abounds with such examples. Liu Xiang, the most famous athlete in China, is a good case in point. Just in a high school sports meet, his talent in running was noticed by his current coach, and thus he entered the national sports (You probably need to be more specific here. I believe he joined the national track and field team.) team and won a gold medal in the 28th Olympic games eventually.

Last but not least, children could also develop their sense of responsibility and team spirit , two key factors to their achievements in their future careers, through participating in some team sports contests. However, in a game just for fun, children may not care as much about these.

From the discussion above, I can safely draw the conclusion that undeniable though the possibility of hurt injury ('Hurt' is not a noun, and you can't use it like this.) playing sports in competitions may cause is (This whole construct is just too difficult to read. In normal sentence sequence, it would read like 'the possibility THAT playing sports in competitions may cause injury is undeniable.', and it won't be less persuasive or less impressive. By cutting the sentence up and swapping its pieces around, you sort of make it unnecessarily complex.), it pays for children to do that frequently, if the considerable benefits it could bring are taken into consideration.

总结:

总体水平相当不错,论述说理很清晰,例子也举得很合适。我给你的修改基本上是关于readability可读性方面的,非硬性要求,供你参考就好。
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-22 21:12:17

本帖最后由 dphenixy 于 2010-3-23 20:41 编辑

3.22 Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues初稿

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from government. As for me,the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.


The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example, the well-known environmental effect,global warming,would make some island countries disappeared from the world, if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt,this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual.


Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached much more importance by government since last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our life greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only recent decades, their severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there are many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dry out.


From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.
作者: 水谣碧玺    时间: 2010-3-23 23:51:48

修改23
作者: yuyan890619    时间: 2010-3-24 17:22:30

3.22 Government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues初稿 3 m' f9 ]) l( Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether government should pay more attention to health care issues than on environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from government. As for me,the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.
The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example, the well-known environmental effect,global warming,would make some island countries disappeared from the world, if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt,this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual.(觉得这一段还可以再深入论述)
Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached much more importance by government since last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our life greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only recent decades, their severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there are(were) many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dry out(建议这个例子可以再加上一点,比如说是政府没有采取措施控制旁边的工厂的污染什么的会更加切题一些).
From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.

楼主很厉害啊,前后看了几遍,基本上没有问题,而且文章短小精悍,这篇文章的论点借去了哈,因为自己写的时候也觉得很纠结很牵强的...
部分地方可以再稍微扩展一下。
加油
作者: mpromanus    时间: 2010-3-24 22:47:16

19# dphenixy

Recently a social survey showed that the majority of people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves. I believe that this survey just revealed an unfamiliar? (What are you trying to express by 'unfamiliar'?) truth, with awareness of the following facts? (This kind of opening doesn't really answer the question. It doesn't add any meaningful weight to the discussion either. Your reader will not know anything more about the issue you're to discuss than what the question already gives.).

First of all, following others’ decisions is a habit developed and built since we were young children. For example, in primary or high schools, children are obliged to study some compulsory subjects, even if we (Who are 'we'? I thought you were talking about 'children'.) had no interest in them. At home, they are always requested to listen to their parents or other senior family members, otherwise punishments would fall on them. Under such circumstance, most of those children will be used to living under others’ guilds? (Do you mean 'guidance'?) or orders rather than living in terms of their own preferences. My experience in childhood is a good case in point. One day, I bought some cartoon posters on my way back from school, and posted them on the wall of my bedroom. Nevertheless, my mother tore down them and told me never to post such ugly stuff. From then on, I dare not do such things without permission ('Permit' is a physical certificate of permission.). No doubt, as I grew up, I formed a habit of having others make decisions for my own affairs because of my shortage in making decisions by myself. (This example is not strong enough because I don't see where the 'decision' making is. Guidance and orders are not decisions in themselves, but what people do to enforce decisions. The process of decision making is a slightly different matter from giving orders. In your descriptions, both you and your mother appear pretty impulsive, which is not exactly what one'd expect when talking about decision making. Your idea is good, but you probably need to re-package the example to emphasize the decision making factor.)

In addition, to diminish (I think a better word for 'responsibilities' would be 'minimize'.) or evade responsibilities is another important factor for people to get others to make decisions for them. As we know, in the adult world, making decisions often means taking responsibilities. Therefore, the majority of people tend to share the risks with others who make decisions for them. For example, when confronting some troubles or in a dilemma at work, most employees prefer to ask their colleagues or bosses for making the decision rather than to deal with it by their own means. The reason is obvious that if those people made a wrong decision by themselves, they may be fired, while if they (Now these 'they's are getting confusing.) just followed an improper decision from others, their responsibilities will be much lighter.

Admittedly, there are also some preeminent people who like to grasp the destiny in their own hands. However, their greatness are just highlighted by their scarcity among people. (I don't really get what this paragraph is doing here. It doesn't seem to be discussion any valid point.)

In consequence, I maintain that most people prefer having others make decisions for them rather than making decisions by themselves due to their restricted childhoods or fear to of the responsibilities involved in decision making.

总结:

这篇能感觉得到明显开头结尾没有什么可说的,而且也有一些表意比较糊涂的言语。论点是否消极并不是考官关心的,答案没有对错,能论述得圆满就可以。在这一点来说的话,你的第二个论点比较好,因为和decision-making有直接关系,但是第一个论点就看不出和decision有什么关系,所以清晰的程度要注意一下。
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-3-25 21:21:49

3.25 Teachers should not show their political or social views known in the classroom. 初稿

The other day, my neighborWang Jiea high school teacherwas fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of this newsbecause I cannot see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom.

In the first place, as for a primary or high school teacherto help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that people built their beliefs. People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models, and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable, or more exactly, a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.

In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public offices who never care about the life of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all like to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively.

From what have been discussed above, I can safely draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.
作者: chailybai    时间: 2010-3-26 13:17:11

本帖最后由 chailybai 于 2010-3-26 13:18 编辑

( X, N  a+ [8 P  l; M! o
(这个开头有点突兀啊,最好用recently there appeared an incident which made me thought about XXX 这种句子交代一下举这个例子的原因,当然这是我个人的意见啦~~ )The other day, my neighbor,Wang Jie,a high school teacher,was fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of this news,because I cannot (感觉用don’t好一点)see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom. 8 w( o  r4 K" m( Y2 a9 m* x
+ K! x  ]4 t& R
In the first place, as for a primary or high school teacher,to help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that people built their beliefs.(这句子时态有点混乱啊,改成Childhood is the period of time for people to build their beliefs吧) People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models(这两个词是一个意思吧,我不知道idol能不能做形容词,不过感觉取其一就好了~~), and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable, or more exactly(这个连接词前后两个词最好都是名词吧,说明一下是unblamable的什么,比如activity/behavior之类的), a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.* L. w% y3 C7 {, C7 t3 A7 @7 {

In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. (这句子没理解啊,为什么show views就可以help students with their troubles了,我觉得中间应该说明一下,比如students feel more closely connected to their teachers so they are more likely to turn to them when trapped in difficulties)My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public offices who never care about the life (poor lives)of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all like to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively(energy).) Z) S0 ?: g+ p5 u) ?) D. E+ @" w

From what have been discussed above, I can safely(用safely感觉很奇怪啊,undoubtedly或者definitely好一点) draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.

感觉这篇文章结构很清晰,语言也不错。就是开头的例子,其实我个人感觉如果这个例子被放在第一段,它必然是有一定重要意义的,最好的话是后面再提一下这个例子,比如提到为什么那个老师会被解雇,比如在课堂上有较极端的言论,然后指出这种行为是不恰当的。但是除此以外teachers show their political or social views是可以被接受的。这样首尾就有呼应了,当然这是我个人的观点啦。。。。。楼主作文写得还是不错的,加油~~~
作者: zhezhe1011    时间: 2010-3-26 19:06:18

The other day, (这个是不是用one day比较好啊)my neighbor ,Wang Jie,a high school teacher,was fired for his talking about some sensitive political issues at class. I was astonished at the sound of(改成I was astonished when hearing是不是好点?) this news,because I cannot see any mistake for a teacher to show political or social views known in the classroom.

In the first place, as for (as 和 for 用一个就行了,重复 as for 连起来的意思是至于/就...方面说来)a primary or high school teacher,to help their students develop proper senses of value and life is as important as to instill knowledge and skills into students. Childhood is the period of time that(that 改成 when吧) people build their beliefs. People in that period tend to be affected by those who they regard as idol models(去掉model), and teachers always play such roles as well as parents. Therefore, it is unblamable(这个词用滴很好,哈哈), or more exactly, a requirement for teachers to teach students what kinds of things are allowable while some others are immoral through showing their views over some hot political or social events.
In the second place, people who often show their political or social views in the classroom could make them be more popular among students. In that case, those teachers are more likely to help students with troubles at study or in lives. My English teacher in high school, Miss Liu, is a good case in point. She preferred to talk about some heated social events, and often showed her indignation against those public officers (应该是写人吧,后面接的是who) who never care about the lives of common people. Her integrity made her very popular among us. As a result, we all liked to ask her for help when we faced problems and of course our English class were always filled with actively(这个是副词,应该改成名词).
From what have been discussed above, I can safely draw the conclusion that teachers should show their political or social views known in the classroom to help students built proper values and make themselves popular among students.

总的来说没什么错误,第一段例子引出话题挺好的,比较新颖...句子也通俗易懂,结构感很强...需要注意下时态的变换。
白天有课,改的比较晚,见谅哦~~
作者: mpromanus    时间: 2010-3-30 23:03:10

23# dphenixy

Nowadays, there is a heated debate about whether a/the government should pay more attention to health care issues than on to environment issues. Some people who support this issue hold the idea that nothing is more important than people’s health. However, some others, especially environmentalists, argue that environment problems are much more pressing now and thus deserve more attention from the government. As for me,the latter opinion seems more reasonable due to the following reasons.

The most important reason is that environment pollution could pose a great threat to people’s lives in a large area. For example, the well-known environmental effect,global warming (This is the actual subject of your sentence, therefore it should appear upfront for the meaning to be clear, as in 'for example, global warming, the well-known environmental effect...'.),would make some island countries disappeared from the world (Kind of vague. Would be good if you could name one of these island countries. That shows that you really know what you're talking about.), if we continually turn a blind eye to it. No doubt,this result is much more serious than any health problem of any individual. (Good comparison.)

Another fact we cannot ignore is that heath care has been attached with much more importance by the government (Or 'governments'. Same for all similar occurences of 'government'.) since the last century, compared to environment issues. As we know, the rapid development of medical technology and people’s increasing awareness of the importance of health have prolonged our lives greatly. On the other hand, as environmental pollution ('environment issues' do not only mean 'environmental pollution'. Be careful with your wordings and make sure you don't inadvertently alter the scope of discussion.) is a relatively new issue which was noticed by people only in recent decades, their its severity and urgency has not been fully recognized by government. As a result, the situation (What 'situation'? Anything can be a situation - be more specific.) becomes worse and worse. The change in my hometown is a good case in point. I remember that there were many kinds of trees and birds along the river side in my town when I was a child. However, when I went back there last year, I was shocked by what I saw: there was neither tree nor bird and even the river had fully dried out. (So? What are you trying to say with this example? Your reader is free to make his/her own conclusion if you don't make one, and there's no guarantee that he/she must make the conclusion that you wish to illustrate. Complete your logic. Don't leave your argument open-ended.)

From what has been discussed above, I can safely come to the conclusion that government should pay more attention to environment issues than on health care issues.

总结:

语法上请注意一下单数名词作泛指主语前面要加冠词,或者用复数名词,就是那个government这样。。

论述方面第一个论点很好,第二个论点有论点论据但是没有完整的论证,论据描述之后没有和论点联系起来,也就是你没有做关于这个论据的结论,这样就变成开放式论述了。开放式论述就是没有结论的论述,相当于你并没有支持到自己想要的结论。所以论述的完整要注意一下。
作者: dphenixy    时间: 2010-4-1 21:45:03

Although whether the disadvantages of modern technology overweigh its disadvantages is debatable,I believe that modern technology help students obtain more information and gain it more efficiently。
First of all,modern technology can enlarger their scope of knowledge. For example, in the past, students can only learn about foreign culture through the abstract description in their textbooks. Nowadays, however, students could see the daily life of foreigners on TV programs or online videos and even make friends with them on the internet. In this case, there is no doubt that students would know the world better. What’s more, with the benefit of modern technology, not only could students learn some living tips in TV programs but also take a variety of extracurricular courses through distance education which may put them in a favorable position in the future job market.

In addition, modern technology could make students’ study more efficient. As we know, the only tools teachers could use in traditional classes are textbooks and a blackboard, which is considerably tedious in the sight of students. In this case, students often complain that the classes are so tedious that they cannot concentrate their minds on what teachers say for a whole class. Nevertheless, with the development of science and technology, teachers could use some facilities to liven up their lessens.
modern classes is typically lively and




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