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标题: 【1010G精英组】ARGUMENT53 F组回收站 [打印本页]

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-17 23:42:36 标题: 【1010G精英组】ARGUMENT53 F组回收站

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-18 20:50 编辑

4月18日，13点之前上交ARGU-53，作文直接跟帖，不用另开新帖~

注意：
根据版主Irvine666要求每篇Argument附上逻辑链

53Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

作者: lxin333 时间: 2010-4-18 00:04:03 标题: 最新修改版 = =

本帖最后由 lxin333 于 2010-4-18 14:12 编辑

1 study --> unfamiliar stimuli --> signs of mild distress
2 study --> these infants were more likely to be conceived in early autumn --> the distress is caused by the increased melatonin
3 following study --> infants who shows distress identified themselves as shy
123 --> increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

1 mild distress 和在早秋怀孕并没联系，和melatonin更没关系
2即使上述关系成立样本具有代表性吗？
3将distress和shyness等同了而且幼时的shyness并不一定会延续到later life

Grounding on the study on the 25 infants who show signs of mild distress under unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study which shows their shyness when they become teenagers, and then synthesizing the two results, the author accordingly concludes that the increase of melatonin leads to the infants' shyness and this shyness continues to their later life. However, this argument contains a series of flaws, which contribute to its illogicality.

To begin with, the author relies on an unproven cause-and-effect relationship between the mild distress of infants and their conception in early autumn which their mothers' production of melatonin increased, nor to mention the relationship between the distress of the infants and the increased melatonin. It is entirely possible that the distress of infants is a physiological reaction to unfamiliar stimuli. Also there is another reason that the distress of the infants is attributed to other causes such as other hormones, genes, environment around them and so on. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author is unable to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and the increased melatonin of women, the author cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive fact.

Even assume the relationship between the distress of infants and the increased melatonin exist. The author fails to judge the accuracy and validity of the study. Is the number of 25 infants enough to represent all the infants? Hardly could we reach the conclusion just relying on such few subjects. And how much more does the term "more likely" show the possibility of infants conceived in early autumn? May be there is just half of them are conceived during that time. Moreover, the following study lacks detailed portion of how many of these children are identified as shy by themselves with the term "more than half", which could be only 51% of them. Without take these into account, the research study cannot be valid to support the conclusion.

Last but not the least, the author’s hasty generalization according to the following study is a fallacy. The author falsely equates distress and shyness, without a clear definition of distress and shyness. It is very likely that the infants who the teenagers who identified themselves as shy may simply affected by their parents or friends. For lack of clear evidence to prove a man will continue to be shy in his later life according his shyness showed when he was young, the author's opinion that the infants who shows signs of distress will be shy when they grow up and this shyness will continue in their later life is untenable.

In sum, the author's recommendation is ill conceived and poorly supported. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide me more information about the relationship between melatonin and distress, the definition of distress and shyness is also needed. In order to better evaluate the suggestions, the author should ensure that the sample in the two studies can represent all the infants.

作者: carol.lj 时间: 2010-4-18 00:12:03

本帖最后由 carol.lj 于 2010-4-18 17:26 编辑

先占个咯
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1087647&extra=
才看到要补逻辑链，
1，调查的样本太小，没有代表性，没有说服力。
2，婴儿的mild distress不代表着羞愧，也可以是其他的兴奋，快乐啊
3，没有证据说明meltonin会导致婴儿害羞，没有说明是否对婴儿有影响，，也没有说明是否对母亲有影响
4，人的性格不是一成不变的，生活环境，人的经历等等因素都会影响着人的性格。作者忽略了这些可能性，所以得出的结论是武断的。
   Based on a follow-up study in infants, the author presents the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. The argument is relatively sound, however, it relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.
         First of all, the author uses a few exceptional cases as the basis for a claim about that melatonin is relative to the infants’ shyness. As mentioned in the argument, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli stimuli such as anunusal odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. The sample for the survey includes only 25 infants, which capacity is too small to be lack of representation in general. Consequently, in the context of investigation of a small area, the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be persuadable.
   Secondly, it’s nevertheless impossible to assess the author's assertion that infants would show signs of mild distress , at least without an agreed-upon definition of that argument . On the one hand, the author fails to prove the signs could delegate a feeling of mild distress. In common sense, an infant cannot express his/her feeling through language and writing, so it’s possible that the signs are not mild distress, but others. Probably these signs are expressions of excitement or delighting. On the other hand, how could the researchers make sure the voice is unknown to the infants? Maybe the infants have been heard same voice which parents did not noticed. Meanwhile, lacking such evidence and scientific basis to explain the effectiveness of the melatonin, Whether this impact on infant, the author cannot reasonably conclude that infants would show signs of mild distress.
      Finally, the author’s assertion that shyness which results from melatonin continues into later life is not persuadable .For one thing,the study conducted earlier this year is unsubstantial. For aother thing, Personality is not static, precisely because very person grows in the complex social environment.
Obviously, the formation of character is not only due to postnatal development diversity, but also the parents’ affect , personal experience, and life environment. Such posibilitise would serve to undermine the author’s claim that shyness should continues into later life.
      In sum, the author’s assertion for the survey is ill conceived and poorly supported. To better assess the study’s reliability I would need more information about the infants .

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-18 05:04:24

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-18 10:24 编辑

逻辑链：

母亲conceive在早秋

早秋日照少-->过多melation-->影响婴儿个性形成(对不熟悉的刺激紧张)-->13年后跟踪调查: 有一半以上认为自己害羞--->羞涩会延续到更晚年龄

The speaker asserts, in the argument, that the moderate distress of infants and the shyness of teenagers later on is caused by the excessive ingestion of melatonin during their fetal period. To support, he provides a follow-up study towards 25 children attempting to convince his audience. Unfortunately, due to the lack of several detailed experimental data and the unfounded analysis with some arbitrary causalities involved, the speaker’s conclusion seems unable to easily stand up.

First, the reduction of daylight could not be the only reason—even not the reason--- causing abnormal secretion of melatonin. As know to all, melatonin, as a natural and efficient sleep aid for the pregnant, is becoming popular for the time being. Most obstetricians and pharmacists would recommend melatonin tablets to the pregnant women to help regular sleep. Therefore, it is very possible that it is not the pregnant moms themselves who product the melatonin physically but the particular hormone medicine which potentially assist. Besides, even if the pregnant resisted taking any chemical, they could not avoid eating every day. Numerous kinds of foods, like milk, chocolate, corns, gingers and so forth, contain Melatonin. Once taking such kind of food too much, the moms also will excrete Melatonin anomaly. Finally, even if the pennant did not eat this kind of food, no evidence could bolster the assumption that sunlight in early autumn is the arch-criminal for melatonin secretion. Yes, human body would product more melatonin in the night than in the daytime. Yet this production has little relevance with sunshine but actually relates to the normal internal metabolism. Thus, whether in early autumn or not is probably not the reason for the mother to product more melatonin or less. In short, due to the reasons mentioned above, the speaker fails to offer a comprehensive cause analysis towards many other possibilities for over-level secretion of melatonin.

Second, the speaker fails to make it clear that how much melatonin would be transported to the fetus. It is very possible that even if moms produced more melatonin, the fetus who would absorb little. Hence, the melatonin could only enter the maternal circulation with less provided to the fetus, which could not affect the fetal brain function directly, let alone the influence on the teenagers.

Third, assuming melatonin indeed affect the brain function of fetus, no evidence reveals melatonin would be responsible for the personality formation of children. Maternal emotional and physical conditions would be the one cause that impact the fetal character forming process. In another word, as the first connection between the fetuses and outside world, pregnant mothers’ emotion such as anger, grief, happiness or anxiety, or the pregnant age and health would definitely influence the fetuses from all aspects. Social environment is another cause. People would feel stress or uneasiness when staying in a new and totally strange place. This is human’s natural reaction. So does a child. That the infants, in the first test of the study, reacted with distress is probably not because of the voice and smell, but of the unfamiliar surroundings, such as the poker-faced researchers, the ice-cold test table or many children together, etc. As for the second test, on one hand, researchers did not provide the opinions towards the parents, teachers or peers of the teenagers to identify the youth as shy. On the other hand, maybe the young people have experienced some tragedies from childhood to the teenage years, which results in the formation of shyness. Hence, whether melatonin would affect the personality formation of children is still open to doubt.

Last but not least, the study, as the speaker highlights, is not so scientific and rigorous. Firstly, an experiment should make strict distinguish and definition between normal emotional reactions and abnormal or morbid reactions. But in the study, the researchers did not give such a clear division. The key words like “mild distress” or “shyness” is too broad. Secondly, the infant or youth samples are not adequately representative. Could the 25 infants represent millions of children in the world? Or could half of the teenagers (only 12 or 13 persons) represent them? The answer is absolutely no. Therefore, the unscientific or even arbitrary conclusion the speaker make would lead to a collapse of the whole analysis building.

A large Number of the youth in the world are suffering emotional problems at present. I appreciate the author’s concern about the children issues, yet his argument is unconvincing after a careful analysis. Such a statement would mislead the public opinion and to some extent, even bring about more potential social problems if put into practice.

作者: xmaszzt 时间: 2010-4-18 12:35:58

本帖最后由 xmaszzt 于 2010-4-18 20:37 编辑

In this argument,the arguer concludes that increased levels of  melation before
birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.To
strengthen this conclusion,the arguer provides a statisics about a study
concerning 25 infants and a follow up study.At first glance,the argument
might be somehow reasonable, but close scrutiny reveals that it contains several
unconvincing assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive.

First,the argument fails to assure me with an incomplete and selective
comparison.Since the arguer cannot provide compelling evidence that infants who
participated in the study are representative of all infants. Perhaps these infants
get a some kind of disease whose sympton is mild distress when exposed to
unfamilar stimuli,and the study lacking the information about how other infants
acted in the circumstances of unfamiliar stimuli. Thus, I remain doubtful about
the basis of the conclusion.

Second, even assuming that the 25 infants who have participated in the study are
well representative of all the infants, the conclusion is base on an automatical
assuming that this kind of mild distress is simply cause by their mothers'
production of melatonin which is increased in early autumn. However, this might not
be the case. The arguer obviously overlooks other possible explanations for this
phenomenon. For example, perhaps the decreased daylight directly causes the mild
distress, or perhaps a unknowing hormone from the infant itself brings about the
distress. Without ruling out such possibilities, I cannot accept the arguer's point
of the increased melatonin causes infants' mild distress.

Finally, even assuming that the melatonin cause infants' mild distress, the arguer
unfairly indicates a causal relation between the infants' mild distress when
exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the shyness of them when they are growing
up. There could be many other factors, such as circumstance where they were brought
up and their characters, or the education they took and their parents’ influence
on them into consideration. Without accounting for all other explanations, the
arguer cannot reasonably conclude that shyness of the teenagers is caused by the
melatonin.

To sum up, the arguer's conclusion about increased levels of melatonin before birth
cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life is not
supported as it stands. To bolster it, the arguer must provide more evidence, such
as the function of the melatonin, how is effect the infants. To better assess the
problem, I would also need to know the teenagers in.

作者: shannony 时间: 2010-4-18 12:49:44

本帖最后由 shannony 于 2010-4-18 12:51 编辑

In this argument the speaker claims that a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress to unfamiliar stimuli are more likely to have been conceived in early autumn because of the increasing production of melatonin of their mothers. In addition, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. However, the author fails to provide several critical evidence to support the argument.

First of all, the author does not mention the situation of the other infants who did not show strong signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. Some of the other infants may have been conceived in winter, a time which has more decreasing daylight than autumn and when the mothers' production of melatonin naturally increase more according to what is mentioned in the argument.

What is more, even if all the infants who showed signs of mild distress have been conceived in early autumn while others in a time when there is shorter daylight than autumn, the author fails to prove the necessary connection between the melatonin and the phenomenon. It is pretty likely that the cause of signs of mild distress is other factors such as the temperature and humidity other than the increasing production of melatonin in autumn.

Last but not the least，even though it is the melatonin which lead to the infants' signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, the author falsely build an equivalence between shyness and mild distress. Much further explanation should be made to that shyness is relevant to distress. In short, without a clear definition of distress and shyness, we cannot simply regard shyness as exactly same as distress and it is impossible to access the strength of the argument.

In conclusion, the author does not successfully build a clear causal relation to support his own opinion. To persuade the reader to accept the conclusion, the arguer must present more strong evidence about how melatonin affects the infants.

组长：不好意思啊，现在才看到要写逻辑链，下午都有课可能没时间写了，我下次再补上吧~~

作者: 悦微微志燮 时间: 2010-4-18 15:19:13

本帖最后由悦微微志燮于 2010-5-7 23:23 编辑

晚上到！~

作者: isirui 时间: 2010-4-18 18:55:09

本帖最后由 isirui 于 2010-4-18 18:56 编辑

Isirui_磊子:

Logic chain
Decreased daylight in the early autumn-->melatonin increase during fetal period-->showing signs of mild distress-->13 years later more than half of them show shy-->increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness which continues into later life

Writing
The argument presented above is relatively sound that the author considered that the increased levels of melatonin during the fetal period, in the early autumn cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. And a 25 samples study is used to support the author’s conclusion. However, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. To clarify, it may be necessary to point some doubts to this argument.

First, the author did not give the details about how the melatonin affects some brain functions and only one kind of hormone could make so much affecting causing shyness? As we know during the fetal period many kinds of hormones are all necessary, we can’t consider that only the increased levels of melatonin make it. May be some increase and some decrease, but how the others kind of hormones are taken in during the season of decreased daylight we don’t know in this argument. But in winter the daylights decreased more than in autumn. Why the author didn’t say the infants may be conceived in winter, that is logical, we also could not find the answer in this argument. And what is more important is that how the melatonin affects some brain functions and makes the infants show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. We don’t see any necessary relation between melatonin and behave.

Even the increased melatonin really is the cause of shyness the infants have shown it is one of causes—not the only reason. The opinion that the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin continues into later life could not be upheld. These children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy may be affected by many elements such as family, education, district where they live…and so on. Children could be affected easily even they may be like as each other when they were born. In the teenager period, who took regular education are mostly different from who took poor education or no education. How can you make sure that they maybe likewise identify themselves as shy? Who took regular education maybe feel confident because of their knowledge, however maybe their childhood were full of pressures and they acted shy in teenager period. So many unknown and unpredictable elements will happen to these children—now teenagers, who identifies himself as shy now may become open and chatty when he grow up and experienced more. The social environment, education, family, career, friendship, and physical condition are all the elements which can influence their characters. Obviously we can’t forecast what can change the children, so we can’t be sure that the shyness cause by the increased levels of melatonin continues into their life as the author said either.

Lastly, the number of samples is not enough to support the author’s conclusion either. So what I want to say is that the author’s conclusion may be right but it is short of enough details and logic. If he keeps on this study, he could consider it deeper and more complete as I said above. Considering more and more elements, the analysis will be reasonable and make other believe in it.

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-18 20:21:14

好~今天全部完成~~
微微自改，shannony直接改磊子的，磊子改二楼lxin的~~

作者: xmaszzt 时间: 2010-4-18 21:40:29

xmaszzt改shannony argument53

In this argument the speaker claims that a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress to unfamiliar stimuli are more likely to have been conceived in early autumn because of the increasing production of melatonin of their mothers. In addition, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. However, the author fails to provide several critical evidence to support the argument.

First of all, the author does not mention the situation of the other infants who did not show strong signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. Some of the other infants may have been conceived in winter, a time which has more decreasing daylight than autumn and when the mothers' production of melatonin naturally (自己没有研究的问题是否应该避免出现naturally这样的词？) increase more according to what is mentioned in the argument.

What is more, even if all the infants who showed signs of mild distress have been conceived in early autumn while others in a time when there is shorter daylight than autumn, the author fails to prove the necessary connection between the melatonin and the phenomenon. It is pretty likely that the cause of signs of mild distress is other factors such as the temperature and humidity other than the increasing production of melatonin in autumn.（第二段和第三段论述是否有所重复？第二段给出的可能性仍然可以用于第三段）

Last but not the least，even though it is the melatonin which lead to the infants' signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, the author falsely build an equivalence between shyness and mild distress. Much further explanation should be made to that shyness is relevant to distress. In short, without a clear definition of distress and shyness, we cannot simply regard shyness as exactly same as distress and it is impossible to access the strength of the argument.（可以再举反例，比如环境教育影响）

In conclusion, the author does not successfully build a clear causal relation to support his own opinion. To persuade the reader to accept the conclusion, the arguer must present more strong evidence about how melatonin affects the infants.

文章总的来说比我自己写的要流畅，鉴于本人英语基础差，在语言方面实在改不出什么~
问题是有的：
1.
首要的，第二段和第三段的论述有所重复，就是说第二段用于驳论的反例（infants may have been conceived in winter, a time which has more decreasing daylight than autumn and when the mothers' production of melatonin naturally）也可以用于第三段当反例。（这么一想自己的作文也有类似问题）是否应该在第二段寻求一个更好的关于原作无法证明25个infants代表整体的反例。
2.
别人看你写的argument也会当做一个argument的题目来看（比如阅卷人…），那么在写argument的时候就要注意自己写的东西是否会犯argument中类似的错误，比如false analogy，因为我们在反驳的时候只是举反面有可能的例子，那么话就不能说的太绝对。
3.
和我一样的问题是，感觉文章不够饱满，也许多写点就有形成自己的语言风格吧。

作者: lxin333 时间: 2010-4-18 22:08:02

修改 CAROL

Based on a follow-up study in infants(真奇怪= =去掉好了), the author presents the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. The argument is relatively sound, however, it relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands(怪!).
         First of all, the author uses a few exceptional cases as the basis for a claim about that melatonin is relative to the infants’ shyness. As mentioned in the argument, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli stimuli such as an unusal odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. The sample for the survey includes only 25 infants, which capacity is too small to be lack of representation in general（病句which is too small to represent all the infants）. Consequently, in the context of investigation of a small area(region), the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be persuadable.
   Secondly, it’s nevertheless（我不懂这里对不对） impossible to assess the author's assertion that infants would show signs of mild distress , at least without an agreed-upon definition of that argument . On the one hand, the author fails to prove the signs could delegate（觉得不对） a feeling of mild distress. In common sense, an infant cannot express his/her feeling through language and writing, so it’s possible that the signs are not mild distress, but others. （这句话错了题目中说了这些sighs就是distress 这个应该是事实不能拿来反驳）Probably these signs are expressions of excitement or delighting. On the other hand, how could the researchers make sure the voice is unknown to the infants? Maybe the infants have been heard same voice which parents did not noticed. Meanwhile, lacking such evidence and scientific basis to explain the effectiveness of the melatonin, Whether this impact on infant（这句是干啥？）, the author cannot reasonably conclude that infants would show signs of mild distress.
      Finally, the author’s assertion that shyness which results from melatonin continues into later life is not persuadable .For one thing, the study conducted earlier this year is unsubstantial. （为什么unsubstantial 应该说明你反驳的原因）For aother thing, Personality is not static（静态的用在这里意思不对 unchangeable）, precisely because every person grows in the complex social environment.（这里应该可以说更多 for example 环境影响家庭朋友等等）
Obviously, the formation of character is not only due to postnatal development diversity（没看懂）, but also the parents’ affect（affection） , personal experience, and life（living） environment. Such possibilitise would serve to undermine the author’s claim that shyness should continues into later life.
      In sum, the author’s assertion for the survey is ill conceived and poorly supported. To better assess the study’s reliability I would need more information about the infants .(这结尾真是简洁= =)

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-18 22:32:17

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-19 00:06 编辑

7# 悦微微志燮

帮微微传一下：

In this argument, the author concluded that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness and will also affect on the later life. However, after scrutinizing the studies and the reasoning of the author, I think this argument is unconvincing in some points.

Firstly, the author said that melatonin has influence on some brain functions, but no evidence shows that the increasing of melatonin can cause the shyness of infants. The author didn’t offer us the research of the melatonin; we don’t know the function of it, and then no one can prove that there is a direct connection with shyness and melatonin. What’s more, it’s not clear that whom the melatonin makes affect on, maybe this hormone has no influence on the infants but affects on the mother.

Secondly, the author ignored other possibilities which may also contribute to the shyness. There will be many other factors leading to the shyness of a child. For example, the living environment, characters of their parents, the education method, the experience they had and so forth. These factors always have many influences on the character formation of people. And it may play a more important role than melatonin.

Finally, to confirm a survey, we must choose a broad data. But the samples of this mentioned study is too limited. The researchers only study 25 infants, which is dubious to prove a study’s correction. In addition, we are not sure that whether the statistic could represent the overall infants and whether they selected infants randomly. It is impossible to determine the authors claim on such a small and inexact data.

In conclusion, the argument is not as convincing and logical as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should offer us some stronger connection of melatonin and infants. What’s more, the author had better take into account other possibilities that lead to the shyness of infants.

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-18 23:15:51

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-18 23:34 编辑

5# xmaszzt
红色：小词或补充  蓝色：句子  括号：点评加粗：主题句子下划线：标记

In this argument,the arguer concludes that increased levels of  melation before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.To strengthen this conclusion,the arguer provides a statisics about a study concerning 25 infants and a follow up study towards them after 13 years.At first glance,the argument might be somehow reasonable, but close scrutiny reveals that it contains several  unconvincing assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive.

First,the argument fails to assure me with an incomplete and selective（selective是褒义词吧？认真挑选的严格挑选的意思。incomplete是贬义的，二者似乎不能用and平衡） comparison.Since the arguer cannot provide compelling evidence that infants who participated in the study are representative of all infants.（对上句的进一步解释，好！但是似乎句子没有写完“since...，然后呢？”或者since前面应该是逗号？） Perhaps these infants get a some kind of disease whose（of which the？） sympton is mild distress when exposed to unfamilar stimuli,and（建议另起一句，很像也包含在perhaps义群中） the study lacking（lacks） the information about how other infants acted in the circumstances of unfamiliar stimuli. Thus, I remain doubtful about the basis of the conclusion.

Second, even assuming that the 25 infants who have participated in the study are well representative of all the infants, the conclusion is base on an automatical assuming that this kind of mild distress is simply caused by their mothers' production of melatonin which is especially increased in early autumn. However, this might not be the case. The arguer obviously overlooks other possible explanations for this phenomenon. For example, perhaps the decreased daylight directly causes the mild distress, or perhaps an unknowing hormone from the infant itself brings about the distress. Without ruling out such possibilities, I cannot accept the arguer's point of（that？） the increased melatonin causes infants' mild distress.

Finally, even assuming that（是不是想与上面构成平行结构？感觉有些平，或者将前面的finally去掉） the melatonin cause infants' mild distress, the arguer  unfairly indicates a causal relation between the infants' mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the shyness of them when they are growing up. There could be many other factors, such as circumstance where they were brought up and affected their characters, or the education they took and their parents’ influence on them into consideration. （例子很好，我觉得句子可以再组织一下，or和and有点乱，可以用排比来显气势，读起来也比较流畅）Without accounting for all other explanations, the arguer cannot reasonably conclude that shyness of the teenagers is caused by the melatonin.

To sum up, the arguer's conclusion about increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life（改成teen years？好像and前后不太平衡） is not well supported as it stands. To bolster it（删？）, the arguer must provide more evidence, such as the function of the melatonin，（删？）how is effect（affect？） the infants. To better assess the problem, I would also need to know the teenagers in（？？？不懂，没贴完好像）.

点评（我写的也不好，说的不对的地方见谅哈）
思路很清晰：不可靠study+母体褪黑素增高的它因（针对第一个研究）+后天环境对孩子的影响（针对第二个研究）
主要有两个建议：
1 段落组织
我觉得首段assumptions 和 even assuming 的对应非常好，但是first-second-finally 与 even assuming 我觉得可以二选一，不必两个都用上。
2 一些句子需要再组织一下，特别是第四段的后天影响，我觉得写好了可以是文章的亮点所在。

作者: lxin333 时间: 2010-4-19 00:03:04

本帖最后由 lxin333 于 2010-4-19 12:03 编辑

修改悦微微

In this argument, the author concluded that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness and will also affect on the later life. However, after scrutinizing the studies and the reasoning of the author, I think this argument is unconvincing in some points.

Firstly, the author said that melatonin has influence on some brain functions, but no evidence shows that the increasing of melatonin can cause the shyness of infants. The author didn’t offer us the research of the melatonin; we don’t know the function of it, and then no one can prove that there is a direct connection with shyness and melatonin. What’s more, it’s not clear that whom the melatonin makes affect on 感觉有问题- -, maybe this hormone has no influence on the infants but affects on（去掉 affect是及物动词） the mother.Secondly,（和下面secondly重复了） the author ignored other possibilities which may also contribute to the shyness. There will be many other factors leading to the shyness of a child. For example, the living environment, characters of their parents, the education method, the experience they had and so forth. These factors always have many influences on the character formation of people （information of peoples’ character）. And it may play a more important role than melatonin. （这话出问题了前面你说M不一定作用在infants身上这里你默认它有作用只是作用也许不及其他因素矛盾！！！）

这里原来改错啦去掉。。。

Finally, to confirm a survey, we must choose a broad data. But the samples of this mentioned study is too limited. The researchers only study on 25 infants, which is dubious to prove a（the） study’s correction. In addition, we are not sure that whether the statistics could represent the overall infants and whether they selected infants randomly(多余吧具有代表性就对了去掉~). It is impossible to determine the authors claim on such a small （感觉又不对了） and inexact data.

In conclusion, the argument is not as convincing and logical as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should offer us some stronger connection of melatonin and infants. What’s more, the author had better take into account other possibilities that lead to the shyness of infants.

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-19 00:06:19

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-19 00:25 编辑

12# lynnuana

微微的

红色：小词或补充  蓝色：句子  括号：点评加粗：主题句子下划线：标记

In this argument, the author concluded that increased levels of melatonin before birth caused shyness and will（would，前后时态一致） also affect on the later life. However, after scrutinizing the studies and the reasoning of the author, I think this argument is unconvincing in some points.

Firstly, the author said that melatonin has influence on some brain functions, but no evidence shows that the increasing of melatonin can cause the shyness of infants. The author didn’t offer us the relevant  researches of（on） the melatonin; So we don’t know the function of it, and then no one can prove that（and whether？感觉有些拖沓，简单些） there is a direct connection with（between） shyness and melatonin. What’s more, it’s not clear that whom the melatonin makes affect on,(the particular groups melatonnin makes effect on is not clear. ) maybe this hormone has no influence on the infants but affects on the mother.----（缺少分论点结论句）

Secondly, the author ignored other possibilities which may also contribute to the shyness.
There will（would） be many other factors leading to the shyness of a child. For example, the living environment, characters of their parents, the education method, the experience they had and so forth. These factors always have many influences on the character formation of people. （这三句觉得可以做成长句：many other factors---for example, the living environment, characters of their parents, the education method, the experience they had and so forth---would lead to the shyness of a child， even his character formation.）And it may play a more important role than melatonin. (如果变长句，这句就要改改了)----（缺少分论点结论句）

Finally, to confirm a survey, we must choose a broad data. But the samples of this mentioned study is too limited.（可以合成长句，一般来说，英语先说重点（你的观点），再补充其他） The researchers only study 25 infants, which is dubious to prove a study’s correction.（这句读着不对，是不是应该谈下25个infant的情况，才能说它不能prove study conclusion）
In addition, we（最好不用we，你只代表自己的观点） are not sure that（删？） whether the statistic could represent the overall infants and whether they selected infants randomly.  It is impossible to determine the authors claim on such a small and inexact data.  （这段中的in addition 似乎可以删去，因为都在表达一个意思）

In conclusion, the argument is not as convincing and logical as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should offer us some stronger connection of（between） melatonin and infants. What’s more,（重复词不要，moreover） the author had better take into account other possibilities that lead to the shyness of infants.

点评（个人意见，欢迎批评指正哈）
结构清楚，中间论证需要再深入挖掘，比如第一个分论点，只谈到“maybe this hormone has no influence on the infants but affects on the mother”就停了，其实可以继续挖一下“为什么”的。作为读者我就有疑问，为什么你说这个hormone会只影响母亲。
需要注意：
1 每个论证都要完整，需要包括主题句+body论证过程+结论句
2 需要加强英语思维来表达句子，在网上随便搜了下，给你作参考吧：英语句子是怎样通过英语思维说出来的
  多看看相关文章或者多读英语论文什么的培养英式思维表达

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-19 00:25:46

本帖最后由 lynnuana 于 2010-4-19 00:26 编辑

14# lxin333

呵呵 :handshake

sorry把微微的 secondly段转重了。。。。。

作者: lxin333 时间: 2010-4-19 00:52:45

16# lynnuana
哇呀呀我居然没发现是完全一模一样的

作者: 悦微微志燮 时间: 2010-4-19 10:20:52

16# lynnuana

作者: 悦微微志燮 时间: 2010-4-19 10:22:39

我终于能上网了...

作者: carol.lj 时间: 2010-4-19 11:11:32

本帖最后由 carol.lj 于 2010-4-19 11:17 编辑

修改lynnuana的：
The speaker asserts, in the argument, that the moderate distress of infants and the shyness of teenagers later on is (are) caused by the excessive ingestion of melatonin during their fetal period. To support it
, he provides a follow-up study towards 25 children attempting to convince his audience. Unfortunately, due to the lack of several detailed experimental data and the unfounded analysis with some arbitrary causalities involved, the speaker’s conclusion seems unable to easily stand up.
First, the reduction of daylight could not be the only reason—even not the reason--- causing abnormal secretion of melatonin. As know to all, melatonin, as a natural and efficient sleep aid for the pregnant, is becoming popular for the time being. Most obstetricians and pharmacists would recommend melatonin tablets to the pregnant women to help regular sleep. Therefore, it is very possible that it is not the pregnant moms themselves who product the melatonin physically but the particular hormone medicine which potentially assist. Besides, even if the pregnant resisted taking any chemical, they could not avoid eating every day. Numerous kinds of foods, like milk, chocolate, corns, gingers and so forth, contain Melatonin. Once taking such kind of food too much, the moms also will excrete Melatonin anomaly. Finally, even if the pennant（这个单词打错了，pregnant moms） did not eat this kind of food, no evidence could bolster the assumption that sunlight in early autumn is the arch-criminal for melatonin secretion. Yes, human body would product more melatonin in the night than in the daytime. Yet this production has little relevance with sunshine but actually relates to the normal internal metabolism. Thus, whether in early autumn or not is probably not the reason for the mother to product more melatonin or less. In short, due to the reasons mentioned above, the speaker fails to offer a comprehensive cause analysis towards many other possibilities for over-level secretion of melatonin. （这一段用了让步式的攻击法，一层层地假设，再反推，说明了作者忽略了其他的可能性，melatonin的产生因素有很多。总之论证很充实，也很有层次感。语言流畅，句式也很灵活。学习了。）
Second, the speaker fails to make it clear that how much melatonin would be transported to the fetus. It is very possible that even if moms produced more melatonin, the fetus who would absorb little. Hence, the melatonin could only enter the maternal circulation with less provided to the fetus, which could not affect the fetal brain function directly, let alone the influence on the teenagers.（这里，进一步用了让步式地攻击法，还用了个对比）
Third, assuming melatonin indeed affect the brain function of fetus, no evidence reveals melatonin would be responsible for the personality formation of children. Maternal emotional and physical conditions would be the one（去掉） cause that impact the fetal character forming process. In another word, as the first connection between the fetuses and outside world, pregnant mothers’ emotion such as anger, grief, happiness or anxiety, or the pregnant age and health would definitely influence the fetuses from all aspects. Social environment is another cause. People would feel stress or uneasiness when staying in a new and totally strange place. This is human’s natural reaction. So does a child. That the infants, in the first test of the study, reacted with distress is probably not because of the voice and smell, but of the unfamiliar surroundings, such as the poker-faced researchers, the ice-cold test table or many children together, etc. As for the second test, on one hand, researchers did not provide the opinions towards the parents, teachers or peers of the teenagers to identify the youth as shy.，（原文中是teenagers觉得自已害羞，你这里有点怪）On the other hand, maybe the young people have experienced some tragedies from childhood to the teenage years, which results in the formation of shyness. Hence, whether melatonin would affect the personality formation of children is still open to doubt. （更进一步地用让步法攻击，说明了人的性格的形成因素是多种多样的，反驳了作者的观点）
Last but not least, the study, as the speaker highlights, is not so scientific and rigorous. Firstly, an experiment should make strict distinguish and definition between normal emotional reactions and abnormal or morbid reactions. But in the study, the researchers did not give such a clear division. The key words like “mild distress” or “shyness” is too broad. Secondly, the infant or youth samples are not adequately representative. Could the 25 infants represent millions of children in the world? Or could half of the teenagers (only 12 or 13 persons) represent them? The answer is absolutely no. Therefore, the unscientific or even arbitrary conclusion the speaker make would lead to a collapse of the whole analysis building.（主次攻击很明显）
A large Number of the youth in the world are suffering emotional problems at present. I appreciate the author’s concern about the children issues, yet his argument is unconvincing after a careful analysis. Such a statement would mislead the public opinion and to some extent, even bring about more potential social problems if put into practice.（小遗憾，有点放开了，可以围绕题目的结论，提出些建议）

点评：
我也是第一次写AGRUMENT，觉得你的算得上是一篇outstanding essay 了。跟你的一比，我的那篇磨磨蹭蹭的写得稀烂啊，惭愧～～你的作文让我学到了一些表达和行文的思路，学习了。

1．形式上，结构很严密，沿着一条逻辑链，一步步，一层层地反驳，层次感明晰，逻辑性很强。主要反驳了melatonin不一定导致婴儿期的羞涩。次要反驳了儿童性格的形成的原因。
2．内容上，材料很充实，论据还算丰富，展开式的讨论。
3．反驳方法上，大量地运用了让步攻击法，这样的一步步地深入，到最后就彻底驳斥了原文的整个逻辑体系。不要出现错误的假设就好了，有些时候主观上会太臆想了。还运用了主次攻击的方式，详略得当。
4，语言上，运用了多种句式，多音节的词也比较多，表达很丰富，可以看出功底不错啊，赞个！！我呀，底子薄，语言还没看出有什么错误或者表达上的不准确。。。
5．一小缺点，就是结尾处发散得太开了

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-19 12:31:00

19# 悦微微志燮

good to hear~~~

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-20 00:23:29

2# lxin333

红色：小词或补充蓝色：句子括号：点评加粗：主题句子下划线：标记粉色：学习

Grounding on the study on the 25 infants who show signs of mild distress under unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study which shows their shyness when they become teenagers, and then synthesizing the two results, the author accordingly concludes that the increase of melatonin leads to the infants' shyness and this shyness continues to their later life. However, this argument contains a series of flaws, which contribute to its illogicality.

To begin with, the author relies on an unproven cause-and-effect relationship between the mild distress of infants and their conception（mom的conception还是infants reception（好像也不对）？） in early autumn which their mothers' production of melatonin increased, nor to mention the relationship between the distress of the infants and the increased melatonin. It is entirely possible that the distress of infants is a physiological reaction to unfamiliar stimuli.（举些例子更好，比如like other animals，blablabla...，感觉少了点什么） Also there is another reason（我觉得用possibility好一些） that the distress of the infants is attributed to other causes such as other hormones, genes, environment around them and so on. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author is unable to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and the increased melatonin of women, the author cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive fact.

Even assume the relationship between the distress of infants and the increased melatonin exist. （，）The author fails to judge the accuracy and validity of the study. Is the number of 25 infants enough to represent all the infants? Hardly could we reach the conclusion just relying on such few subjects.（倒装+++） And how much more does the term "more likely" show the possibility of infants conceived in early autumn? May be there is just half of them are（挑骨头了，were） conceived during that time. Moreover, the following study lacks detailed portion of how many of these children are identified as shy by themselves with the term "more than half", which could be only 51% of them. Without take these（觉得少了名词，these what？） into account, the research study cannot be valid to support the conclusion.

Last but not the least（查了下不加the，加the是口语用法，学习！）, the author’s hasty generalization according to the following study is a fallacy. The author falsely equates distress and shyness, without a clear definition of distress and shyness. It is very likely that the infants who the teenagers who identified themselves（两个who有点懵，搞不清指代对象） as shy may simply affected by their parents or friends.（这里感觉和第二段一样，也少了具体形象的例子，for instance，blablabla...） For lack of clear evidence to prove a man will continue to be shy in his later life according his shyness showed when he was young, the author's opinion that the infants who shows signs of distress will be shy when they grow up and this shyness will continue in their later life is untenable.（我觉得如果body容量增加，结论句越简单越好）

In sum, the author's recommendation is ill conceived and poorly supported. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide me more information about the relationship between melatonin and distress, as well as the definition of distress and shyness is also needed（两句变一句）. In order（删！） to better evaluate the suggestions, the author should ensure that the sample in the two studies can represent all the infants. （最后加一句话就perfect了，比如“or I could not agree with his conclusion”）

点评：（个人意见，仅供参考：））
写的很好，你肯定写过一些Argu了吧？呵呵，用词用句非常argument！
唯一美中不足的是具体的例子分析有点少，似乎重点都放在文章结构上了，我觉得需要加入具体生动形象的例子或者类比之类的

作者: lynnuana 时间: 2010-4-20 01:29:12

8# isirui

红色：小词或补充蓝色：句子括号：点评加粗：主题句子下划线：标记

The argument presented above is relatively sound that the author considered that the increased levels of melatonin during the fetal period in the early autumn cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. And a 25 samples study is used to support the author’s conclusion. However, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. To clarify, it may be necessary to point some doubts to this argument.

First, the author did not give the details about how the melatonin affects some brain functions and only one kind of hormone could make so much affecting causing shyness(这句话好像与how或者about都连接不上)?（.） As we know， during the fetal period， many kinds of hormones are all necessary. So we can’t consider that only the increased levels of melatonin make it. May be some increase and some decrease, but how the others kind of hormones are taken in during the season of decreased daylight we don’t know in this argument. (似乎可以合一下句子：even if we can considered that only the increased levels of melatonin made it---may be some increase and some decrease，but how about other kind of hormones？We could not find any clue in this argument. )But(太多but，需要换词，Moreover？) in winter the daylights decreased more than in autumn. Why the author didn’t say（可以，不过我觉得最好用AW专用词，比如state，indicate，mention，point，blablabla...）
the infants may be conceived in winter, that is logical, we also could not find the answer in this argument. （我觉得此句可以与上面相对应，也用may be 开头，why有些突兀了）（划线部分可以与上面合为一句：which is more logical.后面有续貂括字之嫌）And（删？） what is more important is that（学习！不用it开头，赞！） how the melatonin affects some brain functions and makes the infants show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. We don’t see any necessary relation between melatonin and behave.（太oral了，最好多找些范文看下，形成自己的AW分论点书面结尾句，economist的debate中也有很多不错的）

Even the increased melatonin really is（语法：is really） the cause of shyness
the infants have shown，（断句！） it is one of causes—not the only reason（换词，好！）. （缺少连接词，therefore？）The opinion that the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin continues into later life could not be upheld. These children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy may be affected by many elements such as family, education, district where they live…（删）and so on. （少连接词，Also？或者与下文对应，将when they were born写在本句开头？）Children could be affected easily even they may be like as each other （没看懂~~）when they were born. In the teenager period, who took regular education are mostly different from who took poor education or no education. How can you（这个you吓我一跳！我没说呀~~应该写the speaker吧？呵呵） make sure that they maybe likewise identify themselves as shy? Who took regular education maybe feel confident because of their knowledge, however maybe their childhood were full of pressures and they acted shy in teenager period. So many unknown and unpredictable elements will happen to（on？） these children—now teenagers, who identifies himself as shy now may become open and chatty when he（前后句对应：they） grow up and experienced more. The social environment, education, family, career, friendship, and physical condition are all the elements which can influence their characters. Obviously we can’t forecast what can change the children, so（重复了，换词） we can’t be sure that the shyness cause by the increased levels of melatonin continues into their life as the author said either.（这句结尾比较AW）

Lastly（是文章最后一段么？这个词好像是最后一个分论点第一句了）, the number of samples is not enough to support the author’s conclusion either. So （重复了，删掉就可以了）what I want to say is that the author’s conclusion may be right but it is short of enough details and logic（举个例子呢？）. If he keeps on this study, he could consider it deeper and more complete as I said（删） above. Considering（if provided） more and（删？） more elements, the analysis will be reasonable and make other more（句子平衡，还要加more） believe in it（可以换成convincing，两个形容词用and平衡）.

点评：（仅供参考哈！）
1 篇章结构：可以找出使人信服的攻击点，但是缺少了最后一段总结。虽然ets批卷的时候对因为时间不能完成结尾的文章比较宽松，但是我觉得平常练的时候不能省略。
2 逻辑连接：有的缺少连接词，有的连接词重复，需要换词
3 第三段挺好的，比较充实，只是逻辑连接上要加加工~~
我觉得这篇文章逻辑链找的不错的，就是写的时候需要考虑一下每段行文的层次和逻辑联系，让考官读着顺，一目了然。

作者: isirui 时间: 2010-4-20 02:55:39

2# lxin333

我头一次写Argument,也很少写作文了,头一次改别人的作文,学习中~~

Grounding on the study on the 25 infants who show signs of mild distress under unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study which shows their shyness when they become teenagers, and then synthesizing the two results, the author accordingly concludes that the increase of melatonin leads to the infants' shyness and this shyness continues to their later life. However, this argument contains a series of flaws, which contribute to its illogicality.

第一段总结一些Argument里面的主要逻辑思路,并且提出这是存在逻辑错误的.

To begin with, the author relies on an unproven cause-and-effect relationship between the mild distress of infants and their conception in early autumn which their mothers' production of melatonin increased, nor to mention the relationship between the distress of the infants and the increased melatonin. It is entirely possible that the distress of infants is a physiological reaction to unfamiliar stimuli. Also there is another reason that the distress of the infants is attributed to other causes such as other hormones, genes, environment around them and so on. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author is unable to establish the cause-and-effect between the mild distress of infants and the increased melatonin of women, the author cannot confirm his conclusion base on the unpersuasive fact.

否定作者的同时,最后给出了总结,很值得学习.

Even assume the relationship between the distress of infants and the increased melatonin exist(让步肯定,在argu里面很常见的). The author fails to judge the accuracy and validity of the study. Is the number of 25 infants enough to represent all the infants? Hardly could we reach the conclusion just relying on such few subjects. And how much more does the term "more likely" show the possibility of infants conceived in early autumn? May be there is just half of them are conceived during that time. Moreover, the following study lacks detailed portion of how many of these children are identified as shy by themselves with the term "more than half", which could be only 51% of them. Without take these into account, the research study cannot be valid to support the
conclusion.

一层层的来披露作者的漏洞.(不过我觉得统计数据样本不是一个很重大的疑点,我只是在末尾提了一句,不知道说的是否正确)

Last but not the least, the author’s hasty generalization according to the following study is a fallacy. The author falsely equates distress and shyness, without a clear definition of distress and shyness. It is very likely that the infants who the teenagers who identified themselves as shy may simply affected by their parents or friends. For lack of clear evidence to prove a man will continue to be shy in his later life according his shyness showed when he was young, the author's opinion that the infants who shows signs of distress will be shy when they grow up and this shyness will continue in their later life is untenable.

这段写的我觉得非常好,而且据理力争的感觉.

In sum, the author's recommendation is ill conceived and poorly supported. To strengthen the argument, the author must provide me more information about the relationship between melatonin and distress, the definition of distress and shyness is also needed. In order to better evaluate the suggestions, the author should ensure that the sample in the two studies can represent all the infants.

是不是每个Argument都可以这样的方式结尾呢?

总体感觉写的很棒,至少会专注于两点来进行驳论.不过中间对于25的样本发问,我依旧觉得有点赘述,只是一点而过即可,因为这不像是最重要的方面,仅作参考~谢谢~
希望大家对我的文章多提意见,第一次写没啥经验~~

isirui_磊子

作者: 悦微微志燮 时间: 2010-5-7 23:29:28

本帖最后由悦微微志燮于 2010-5-7 23:35 编辑

3# carol.lj
Based on a follow-up study in infants, the author presents the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. The argument is relatively sound, however, it relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which render it unconvincing as it stands.
         First of all, the author uses a few exceptional cases as the basis for a claim about that melatonin is relative to the infants’ shyness. As mentioned in the argument, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli stimuli（重复了？）such as anunusal odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. The sample for the survey includes only 25 infants, which capacity is too small to be lack of representation in general. Consequently, in the context of investigation of a small area, the statistical evidence of the survey upon which the argument relies is too vague to be persuadable.
   Secondly, it’s nevertheless impossible to assess the author's assertion that infants would show signs of mild distress , at least without an agreed-upon definition of that argument . On the one hand, the author fails to prove the signs could delegate a feeling of mild distress. In common sense, an infant cannot express his/her feeling through language and writing, so it’s possible that the signs are not mild distress, but others. Probably these signs are expressions of excitement or delighting. On the other hand, how could the researchers make sure the voice is unknown to the infants? Maybe the infants have been（删？） heard same voice which parents did not noticed. Meanwhile, lacking (+of?)such evidence and scientific basis to explain the effectiveness of the melatonin, Whether this impact on infant, the author cannot reasonably conclude that infants would show signs of mild distress.
      Finally, the author’s assertion that shyness which results from melatonin continues into later life is not persuadable .For one thing,the study conducted earlier this year is unsubstantial. For aother thing, Personality is not static, precisely because very person grows in the complex social environment.（待扩展）
Obviously, the formation of character is not only due to postnatal development diversity, but also the parents’ affect , personal experience, and life(living?) environment. Such posibilitise would serve to undermine the author’s claim that shyness should continues into later life.
      In sum, the author’s assertion for the survey is ill conceived and poorly supported. To better assess the study’s reliability I would need more information about the infants .
我觉得这篇文章写的还是挺好的，句子不错，有些句型值得借鉴，就有一些小小的细节性错误，单词也很丰富。
条理性很强，从事实说起但不显得罗嗦。

作者: shannony 时间: 2010-5-8 21:12:42

8# isirui

The argument presented above is relatively sound that the author considered that the increased levels of melatonin during the fetal period, in the early autumn cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. And a 25 samples study is used to support the author’s conclusion. However, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to evaluate his situation. To clarify [clarify是及物动词吧，后面是否需要加宾语？], it may be necessary to point [point out]some doubts to this argument.
First, the author did not give the details about how the melatonin affects some brain functions and only one kind of hormone could make so much affecting causing shyness? As we know during the fetal period many kinds of hormones are all necessary, we can’t consider that only the increased levels of melatonin make it. May be some increase and some decrease, but how the others kind [other kinds] of hormones are taken in during the season of decreased daylight we don’t know in this argument. [这句话有些问题，表述不清] But in winter the daylights decreased more than in autumn. Why the author didn’t say the infants may be conceived in winter, that is logical, we also could not find the answer in this argument. And what is more important is that how the melatonin affects some brain functions and makes the infants show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. We don’t see any necessary relation between melatonin and behave. [句子表达不地道，有些语法错误，句与句之间的连接词用得有些混乱]
Even the increased melatonin really is [is really] the cause of shyness the infants have shown it is one of causes—not the only reason.[不太理解这句话] The opinion that the shyness caused by increased levels of melatonin continues into later life could not be upheld. These children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy may be affected by many elements such as family, education, district where they live…and so on. [用词有些重复，比如affect] Children could be affected easily even they may be like as each other when they were born.[这里是想说“即使他们出生的时候很相似”吧，表述有问题] In the teenager period, who took regular education are mostly different from who took poor education or no education. How can you[用第二人称合适吗？] make sure that they maybe likewise identify themselves as shy? Who took regular education maybe feel confident because of their knowledge, however [or] maybe their childhood were full of pressures and they acted shy in teenager period. So many unknown and unpredictable elements will happen [时态错误，改为would have happened?我也不确定这个] to these children—now teenagers, who identifies himself[单复数不一致] as shy now may become open and chatty when he[单复数与前面不一致] grow up and experienced more. The social environment, education, family, career, friendship, and physical condition are all the elements which can influence their characters. Obviously we can’t forecast what can change the children, so we can’t be sure that the shyness cause[caused] by the increased levels of melatonin continues into their life as the author said either.[我觉得这一段讲的错误和上一段的有一定的重复]
Lastly, the number of samples is not enough to support the author’s conclusion either. [这一个错误没有深入论述]So what I want to say is that the author’s conclusion may be right but it is short of enough details and logic. If he keeps on this study, he could consider it deeper and more complete as I said above. Considering more and more elements, the analysis will be reasonable and make other believe in it.

[整篇文章来说感觉比较单薄，思路不够清晰紧凑。语言比较单调，不够丰富。有些语法错误是完全可以避免的。不过作为第一篇全文写作我觉得还是不错的，至少比我的好啊～～]

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