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标题: 战战兢兢的独立写作....请批改~ [打印本页]

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2012-12-27 14:04:07 标题: 战战兢兢的独立写作....请批改~

TPO 5---Independent Writing:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment—doing things they like to do—rather than doing things they should do.

Have you ever seen an adolescent addicted to computer games all day? Have you ever been lost into an incredible novel like Jane Eyre in spite of resting and eating? Have you ever witnessed a girl obsessed by the fashion icon Gossip Girl? Clearly, most of us have been hooked by something we interested in. However, temporary people did not focus on the enjoyment too much, instead, it is merely part of life.

As the saying goes,” All work no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Nowadays, with the high speed of development in the world, competition between people is becoming more and more furious, which increases the pressure people suffer. Dealing with the relationship between work and relaxation is a wise choice. White-collar workers in the big company have to confront stress from excessive work, excellent colleagues, and offices’ rumors. If they always suffer it and have no release, then it will do great harm physically and psychologically. As it does in the case of students in school, they have to face peer pressure from making class presentation, getting the highest grade of subjects, and being the star of the activities. Therefore, they need to relieve by entertainment show or doing lots of exercises to remove the burden and generate the energy for the next challenge. Even in ancient time, people have fun in their spare time. The emperor in Southern Tang dynasty eases the tiredness by calligraphy, traditional Chinese paintings, and poems. The caveman would hold a bonfire party for fun after the daytime hunting.

Seemingly, some people are just devoted themselves to things they love which they gain great pleasure. But actually they combine their interest with their majors— doing things they like and they are responsible to do at the same time. When in Harvard University, Bill Gates pursued his loved career bravely. Since he had been interested in computer science, especially programming, he gained large amount of programming knowledge by learning it in his spare time. So when he attended the university, he could use school’s lab to develop some valuable software secretly as his behaviors contradicted to school’s rule. In the sophomoric year, he confronted a serious choice—whether to drop out of university and then set up his own business. It seems that he should continue to study as a student rather than do other things making him distract. But for Bill, dropping out to create and produce software is his great enjoyment. Besides, the purpose of education is to produce students contributing to the whole world and Bill’s new career is to that point. It is obvious that he spent “too much time” on his enjoyment (develop computer programs) as well as his career and consequently, he achieved his success. Abundant examples can support my idea. Facebook’s birth owing to Zacberg’s interest and great input of time. One of the hottest singer— Justin Birber rose to fame overnight because of pleasure he gained from the music and persistence to strive to be singer. Natalie Portman combined her deep love for acting with the knowledge of psychology which she learnt in Harvard during the acting years.

Admittedly, there are people who are addicted to their individual enjoyment regardless of other things. Nevertheless, partial people cannot represent all human beings. With the improvement of human’s thinking, these people will not only take on their own compulsory responsibility but also be voluntary to help others to get true enjoyment.

All in all, nowadays people does not pay too much attention on obtaining enjoyment, instead they are more willing to integrate their interest with their career or study, which will bring them enjoyment as well as the achievement.

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2012-12-29 06:44:44

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment—doing things they like to do—rather than doing things they should do.

Have you ever seen an adolescent addicted to computer games all day? Have you ever been lost into an incredible novel like Jane Eyre in spite of resting and eating (I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'in spite of' here because this phrase means 'regardless' in a 'A still happens regardless of B' kind of 'regardless', not the 'not regarding, forgetting about' kind of 'regardless'..so what you're actually expressing with sentence is that 'even you rest and eat, you'll still get lost in Jane Eyre', while I think what you meant to say is something like 'you'll forget about resting and eating when you get lost in Jane Eyre'. I'd probably use 'abandon' for that.)? Have you ever witnessed a girl obsessed by the fashion icon Gossip Girl? Clearly, most of us have been hooked by something we are interested in. However, contemporary people did not focus on the enjoyment too much, instead, it is merely part of life.

As the saying goes,” All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Nowadays, with the high speed of development in the world, competition between people is becoming more and more furious, which increases the pressure people suffer. Dealing with the relationship between work and relaxation is a wise choice (I don't quite see how this sentence is relevant to the previous one.). White-collar workers in a big company have to confront stress from excessive work, excellent colleagues, and offices’ rumors. If they always suffer from it and have no release, then it will do great harm physically and psychologically. As it does in the case of students in school,(If this 'it' means 'the same kind of pressure mentioned previously', then this part should be a clause of the previous sentence. Here you write it as part of this next sentence, and I have no idea what 'as it does' refers to.) they have to face peer pressure from making class presentations, getting the highest grades of subjects (Redundancy. Of course as students you get grades on subjects..), and being the star of the activities. Therefore, they need to relieve by entertainment shows or doing lots of exercises to remove the burden and generate the energy for the next challenge. Even in ancient time, people had fun in their spare time. The emperor in Southern Tang dynasty eases the tiredness by calligraphy, traditional Chinese paintings, and poems. The caveman would hold a bonfire party for fun after the daytime hunting. (All's well and indeed 南唐后主 wrote some of the best stuff in traditional Chinese lyrical poetry. But the question is not whether people should or had time for entertainment. The question is whether they are having too much of entertainment and not enough of serious work. Your arguments need to culminate on this point very explicitly i.e. 点题, especially that this particular point is not mentioned again in your conclusion..You do really need to say something like 'therefore people nowadays are just having their fair share of entertainment as it always has been, not too much of it'. Otherwise, you have an open argument – an argument without a conclusion, which is then free for interpretation and I'm not compelled to make the conclusion you would like me to make.)

Seemingly, some people are just devoted themselves to things they love from which they gain great pleasure (This 'which' clause is really redundant though.). But actually they combine their interest with their majors (So you are saying only things that are related to people's 'majors' count as things they should do?) — doing things they like and they are responsible to do at the same time. When in Harvard University, Bill Gates pursued his loved career bravely. Since he had been interested in computer science, especially programming, he gained a large amount of programming knowledge by learning it in his spare time. So when he attended the university, he could use the school’s lab to develop some valuable software secretly as his behaviors contradicted the school’s rules. In the sophomore year, he confronted a serious choice—whether to drop out of university and then set up his own business. It seems that he should continue to study as a student rather than do other things making him distracted. But for Bill, dropping out to create and produce software is his great enjoyment. Besides, the purpose of education is to produce students contributing to the whole world and Bill’s new career is to that point. It is obvious that he spent “too much time” on his enjoyment (develop computer programs) as well as his career and consequently, he achieved his success. (If you say this, then you're not saying 'people can combine their enjoyment and their responsibilities well'. You're saying 'people can afford to spend too much time on their enjoyment and ditch what they should do because they will still be successful doing what they enjoy'.) Abundant examples can support my idea. Facebook’s birth owing to Zuckerberg’s interest and great input of time. One of the hottest singers — Justin Bieber rose to fame overnight because of pleasure he gained from the music and persistence to strive to be a singer. Natalie Portman combined her deep love for acting with the knowledge of psychology which she learnt in Harvard during the acting years. (Smashing. But I can easily argue that they are all doing what they 'should' be doing – pursuing whatever they loved and wanted. You seem to just deem that whatever that is not academically related must be 'enjoyment' and only getting a degree from Harvard is something that people 'should' do. The question was purposely vague on what exactly counts as 'personal enjoyment' and what counts as 'things they should do'. If you have your own definitions, you have to put them out clearly upfront and preferably justify them. You did that a little bit when you mention 'majors', but it was not explicit and not justified at all.)

Admittedly, there are people who are addicted to their individual enjoyment regardless of other things. Nevertheless, partial people (This means 'people who are partial, i.e. biased', rather than 'only a part of the whole population'..) cannot represent all human beings. With the improvement of human’s thinking, these people will not only take on their own compulsory responsibility but also be voluntary to help others to get true enjoyment.

All in all, nowadays people does not pay too much attention on obtaining enjoyment, instead they are more willing to integrate their interests with their careers or studies, which will bring them enjoyment as well as the achievement.

总结：

滥用定冠词的现象比较严重。另外600字实在是写得太多，你花太大力气在描写你的例子上，太多细节了，尤其比尔同学那个例子，你基本是在给丫写传记么。。考官是来看你论述问题而不是看你讲故事的，请学会挑最能支持你的论点的细节来写，一个relevant的细节比你事无巨细写10句更有用而且更容易读懂。。另外请特别注意人名，你实在要用这么多名人举例起码不要老是拼错人家名字。。

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-23 10:12:58

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-29 06:44
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal ...

大神：
再细读一遍后，发现您老眼光太精准了！
第一次写的时候，我总觉得思维受阻，但因为智商有限又绕不出自己的弯...读着你的评价，再客观看一下这篇，确有顿悟之感~
THX!

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-23 22:37:51

请改~O(∩_∩)O谢谢
which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feeling but also have sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey.As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there is a little pit and I had one of my ankle sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved. Another economic benefit is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation,accommodation and having dinner. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to other interesting places.One journey with several versions of feelings and saved expenses brings me more fun.

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is security. Single girl is vulnerable to robbing handbags, harassment and other frightened things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things. Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness together due to each other's company. Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally.Despite the ups and downs of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating sense of security.

作者: 月明日暗 时间: 2013-2-23 23:18:37

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-23 10:12
大神：
再细读一遍后，发现您老眼光太精准了！
第一次写的时候，我总觉得思维受阻，但因为智商 ...

亲可以参加写作小组哦~就在首页就有

作者: 月明日暗 时间: 2013-2-23 23:19:07

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-29 06:44
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People today spend too much time on personal ...

R大神好久不见=w= 乍一看你毒舌特别亲切！

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-2-24 02:43:23

月明日暗发表于 2013-2-23 15:19
R大神好久不见=w= 乍一看你毒舌特别亲切！

哈哈。哈。。我知道你这是夸我呢吧。。

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-24 11:16:05

早上充满期待的看帖，可他居然木有了！~再传，感谢~
Which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feeling but also have sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey.As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there is a little pit and I had one of my ankle sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved. Another economic benefit is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation,accommodation and having dinner. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to other interesting places.One journey with several versions of feelings and saved expenses brings me more fun.

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is security. Single girl is vulnerable to robbing handbags, harassment and other frightened things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things. Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness together due to each other's company. Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally.Despite the ups and downs of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating sense of security.

作者: 月明日暗 时间: 2013-2-24 22:10:24

mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-24 02:43
哈哈。哈。。我知道你这是夸我呢吧。。

必须~~=w=

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-2-25 08:55:21

本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2013-2-25 00:56 编辑

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-23 14:37
请改~O(∩_∩)O谢谢
which one do you think is best to Contribute to a enjoyable vacation ? Good loca ...

Which one do you think is best to contributes to an enjoyable vacation? Good location, good food and good friends with you to travel.

What do you think is the best element for a pleasant journey? If it is good location, then what if you confront the feeling of loneliness after passing the breathtaking scenery (I understand what you want to express but the entire sentence is rather awkward. I'm not going to be too demanding on whether you should use 'confront', which has a very aggressive connotation, or 'passing', which implies that you're eventually going to somewhere without great scenery..the burning question is: why must you feel lonely in a 'good location' with 'breathtaking scenery'? Are you assuming that this must be because you're travelling without friends? I only started to work out how you meant to allude at this until I hit the very end of this paragraph. And this reasoning isn't really that plausible, because you can always make new friends on a journey. Or you don't really necessarily feel lonely when travelling alone if you're a 闷皮 like me..)? If it is delicious food, what if the fantastic food is too expensive to afford? As for me, being with my good friends on a vacation can not only share the economic burden and feelings but also have a sense of security.

Sharing is a fantastic thing for friends, no matter the feeling or the expenses along the journey. As is quoted,"Friendship multiplies joys and divides griefs." When I visited the seashore (A 'seashore' is actually not a 'beach', technically speaking, although I understand you probably meant 'beaches'..) of Seattle with my good friends years ago, I was so obsessed by the fascinating view that I did not notice that there was a little pit and I had one of my ankles sprained. With my friends' help and humourous jokes, the great pain has been dissolved (1. 'dissolve' in this sense is more often an intransitive verb, so you say 'the pain dissolves' but not 'I dissolved the pain'; 2. so you mean your friends were all you needed to heal an injured ankle, not medical treatment or time..well I can take that.). Another economic benefit (If you say 'another economic benefit', it means what you said before was an economic benefit as well..but it wasn't quite so to me. Or was I missing something you meant to hint at? Maybe 'since my friends' help healed my ankle, I didn't need to visit a doctor, saving me time and money'?) is that we just need to pay part of some basic expenses in common areas, such as transportation, accommodation and having dinners. When traveling to a historical site, two partners' hiring a tour guide is much more efficient and economical and the money saved can be applied to (You don't 'apply' money to places. You simply 'use' it.) other interesting places. One journey with several versions of feelings (Now this is really beyond me. I simply don't get what this means. You just don't talk about feelings as having 'versions'.) and saved expenses brings me more fun.

As a girl on vacation, what is an essential factor is is security (Why do you insist on making things difficult for your reader with a completely unnecessary wh clause? A normal sentence like 'security is an essential factor' expresses your intended meaning equally well here. The point is, everything you do with your language should contribute to the goal of 'explaining your point better'. If you use a complicated structure without a good reason and it doesn't help to present your point more clearly or convincingly – not to mention that you didn't even use it correctly - then you have what I call 'pomp'. It's not going to impress people. It'll only make your language appear pretentious.). A single girl is vulnerable to robbing of handbags (If you say 'vulnerable to robbing handbags', it literally means the handbags are doing the robbing..), harassment and other frightening things. Therefore, being with friends can have a sense of security and be more likely to try new excited things (The subject of this sentence is 'being with friends', which doesn't quite go with 'have a sense of security' or 'be more likely to try new things', because these quite obviously go with people subjects, e.g. 'I'. Your language tends to have a grammatically correct structure with semantically very Chinese-like phrasing. But even when you think about this in Chinese, 和朋友在一起能有安全感 is rather dubious and obviously ellipsed, because it means 和朋友在一起我能有安全感, not that the fact of 和朋友在一起 itself has 安全感..). Suppose I went to my dreaming city--Paris--one day by myself, shall I give up the "movable feast" (Again I don't really understand what this means.) just because of being afraid of the unknown danger? Of course not. Instead, my best friend and I will taste the midnight of Paris without any frightfulness (This means the two of you have no quality of being 'frightful', which means you're not scary – it's different from you're not scared.) together due to each other's company (Personally speaking, if you think two Asians are enough for staying completely safe at midnight in Paris, think again. Especially if you are both girls and have little experience of dealing with drunkards in Europe. Paris might not be the scariest place on earth – compared with many cities in Italy, for example – but it's arguably still quite dangerous. But then again, the awesome stained glass of Sainte-Chapelle alone is worth all the danger Paris might harbour..ah, good memories.). Besides, from my perspective, I used to fall in love with haunted houses but never dared to step into the houses on my own until one day I passed there with a friend and without hesitation, I drew her inside the haunted houses finally (I'm not quite sure if you are talking about an actual house that is said to be haunted, or an entertainment instalment that is themed as a haunted house.). Despite the ups and downs (This means 'alternating periods of good and bad things'. It doesn't mean 此起彼伏, if that's what you're thinking here.) of screams, I enjoyed myself. A friend along the way can bring me a sense of security and encourage me to explore the unrevealed enjoyment.

Granted, good food and good location can contribute to a good trip, but it is a good friend that makes the vacation better via sharing happiness and sorrows, exploring exciting things and creating asense of security.

总结：

论点和例子都不错，语法格外强大啊，但是你的表意是各种诗意朦胧暗喻隐语有木有！而且很多地方我都能直接看出怎么从中文过来的。。议论文不是抒情散文，第一要务是把话说明白，你语言再漂亮，考官读不懂那也是白瞎。。

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-25 17:39:40

mpromanus 发表于 2013-2-25 08:55
Which one do you think is best to contributes to an enjoyable vacation? Good location, good food ...

First of all,I'm a 闷皮，哈哈哈哈~
In terms of "Another economic benefit", it is my logical problem. Please don't doubt your ability of understanding~
"Movable feast"是海明威对巴黎的赞美，称巴黎为“流动的盛宴”,我就想把它当做典故用一用......是不可以吗？还是解释一下会更好咧？
关于对巴黎Personally speaking的那部分既羡慕又感激~
谢谢！

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-2-25 21:22:39

> "Movable feast"是海明威对巴黎的赞美，称巴黎为“流动的盛宴”,我就想把它当做典故用一用......是不可以吗？还是解释一下会更好咧？

啊。。~海明威的拼写是moveable feast。。巴黎最出名的别名是City of Light所以用比较特别的文字典最好解释一下.g. shall I give up this city that is the 'moveable feast' of Hemingway and not go out at all, just because..

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-26 14:56:55

我又来骚扰了~ 请批改，谢谢大神！

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-27 15:49:52

坚持骚扰，再上一篇，O(∩_∩)O谢谢~

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-27 19:44:16

又写了一篇，保持队形~
O(∩_∩)O谢谢

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-2-28 09:07:16

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-26 06:56
我又来骚扰了~ 请批改，谢谢大神！

People who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful at working in a group.

As is known to all, no man is born to be perfect and everyone will surely make mistakes. If he cannot accept the criticism from others, then he will get no development, not to mention achieving success in a group. So from my perspective, people should accept others' criticism to grow and to be successful in a group.

Admittedly, people will make mistakes from time to time. What if a man sticks to his own wrong ideas regardless of others' criticism? For himself, he will make no progress and even mislead himself in a wrong way. Take my uncle's experience for an example. When my uncle and his classmates graduated from their university, they started a small company together to chase their dream (This is one of those lofty expressions that really irk me. It's so annoyingly vague and seldom relevant, exactly because it is so vague. Now, ). One of his classmates Tim, dreaming of exploring a shortcut to being wealthy, proposed that they could bribe the officers who were responsible for testing the quality of the products to cheat consumers by reducing the amount? quality? necessary ingredients (This huge sentence has the following actions: 1. a proposal of bribery to QA (Quality Assurance) people; 2. cheating customers..and the following people: 1. they, presumably your uncle et. al.; 2. the QA people. Who is doing what? From the way you've piled everything together, I read 'Tim suggested the team to bribe QA so QA would cheat customers by doing something to the ingredients'. But that cheating bit is not a QA's job – I don't mean because it's illegal. It's just that even if a company does this kind of cheating, it won't be the QA who does it, since it can only be done at the manufacturing level, which is pre-QA. So my point is, I kind of understand what you're trying to say but what you manage to actually express is really confusing, because you're trying to do too much with one sentence.). Other team members strongly disagreed with this idea due to their conscience and the brand's reputation (If you just started a company, you'd probably have little 'brand reputation'..and once again I would make a personal comment: I find it extremely interesting that Chinese students I've seen, almost without exception, tend to appeal to 'reputation' and 'conscience' – in other words, very volatile, emotional guidelines for making decisions – and never 'laws' or 'standards' in such examples. It is even more interesting in your example that this guy was punished by the legal system rather than conscience or whatnot, which is sort of ironic.). But Tim just held his point without any support (I'm not quite understanding what this means. Do you mean he 'held onto' his point..?). Soon he set up another company in his own way and it took no time to put him into prison (This means the actual action of 'putting into prison' takes no time, not that the time between him setting up his own company and him being put into prison is short..which would be something like 'it took no time before he was put into prison'.). I believe if Tim changed his mind at the very beginning, there would be a bright future for him. Face your mistakes and accept it modestly, and you will see your progress everyday (The point about 'progress everyday' isn't very clearly illustrated in the example or your argument, especially why it has to be 'everyday'.).

For a group, a stubborn person who holds on to his idea may lead the whole group to low efficiency and develop in a wrong direction which is far away from success. One of my experiences can illustrate it. Once I took part in a mathematical modeling contest which required three people to make a team and finished a paper during three days. A guy named Van took in charge of the programming part but he was easy to be stuck in the irrelavant details (1. This is almost a direct translation. Only things are 'easy'. You don't describe people as 'easy'. If they have the tendency of doing things in a certain way, etc., you say they are 'prone to <something>', but not they are 'easy to do <something>'; 2. If you say 'the' irrelevant details, then you need to be more specific, otherwise stay generic with 'irrelevant details'.). On the first day, he was stuck again (If he is stuck 'again' on the very first day, it means he's stuck at least for once before even the first day, which means you guys started doing this thing before the first day, which means the contest isn't exactly three days..) and abandoned all the other important tasks to research that little point while my teammate and I were busy discussing models (The problem here is that without specifying what exactly the 'little point' is, it's very hard to see why it must be a little point just because you said it was. All along it's only your judgment on the usefulness of your teammate's efforts. It's dictating. It's not truly persuasive. You don't need to discuss the technicalities of such things in detail, but if you can illustrate with some more solid information that your teammate's concentration was really on something that would be judged by most people to be irrelevant to a math modeling project, e.g. 'the font he should use for his code', your argument would be more effective.). Though we talked to him and wanted him to get out of that detail and move on, he ignored it and was addicted in that. So my teammate and I had to finish the rest of work with exhausted minds (1. 'exhaust' is often a physical/mental mix so it's kind of awkward to talk about only the mind being 'exhausted'; 2. if you finish the work 'with exhausted minds', it means you were already exhausted, for whatever reason, when you were doing the work. But as far as I see, what you want to say is actually that, because you have to share 3 people's work between the 2 of you, you were exhausted, and probably that's why you didn't do a very good job and all. Again, you see I kind of understand your reasoning, but you just didn't manage to express the important details that would 'nail' your discussion clearly. Instead, you go about happily describing things in ways that are not really helping the readers to see the 来龙去脉 of things with minimum effort. In other words, your readers have to piece up your argumentation by themselves to a large extent. Different ways of describing the same thing would highlight different aspects of it, and would contribute differently in terms of relevance and efficiency to the purpose of illustrating a particular argument. Be precise. Always think about what exactly your reasoning is and let that drive your descriptions, not the other way round.). At last, the result of the contest is unsatisfying, from which I realize the importance of accepting others criticism for the sake of the whole group.

Granted, sometimes the truth is held in a handful of persons' hands and you may be right (Who are you addressing as 'you' here?). But a person will make numerous mistakes during his life and he should consider and follow others' advice rather than insist on his own ideas (If you put this sentence next to your question, you should see what you have in mind as the main point of argument is not exactly the same as what the question wants.).

总结：

其实你主要的问题一直来是同样的，就是语言很好但是话说不清楚。。一个表现在语义各种模糊，一个表现在论述和描写例子的时候我能看出你心里是想表达什么样子的论理，但是你描写例子的方式总是扎好几针也不见血。。议论文应该是随时都要让你想说明的论点和你要发展的论证去推动你选择描写什么怎么描写，而不是从描写中掏论点论证。。而且我发现你用例子一贯是小说式的，各种人设世界观上来先放好然后才开始讲剧情，但是说实话很多这种背景信息要么根本不必要（比如那个比赛时间是三天还是神马的），要么是可以直接压到剧情里面的（比如，你的那个队友很容易纠结细节，这一点完全没必要非得把他先期描写一次好像你要证明这个是他个人性格的问题导致比赛的时候出问题。。因为对证明你的论点来说，重要的只是这个人不接受批评导致事情没做好，而这个具体的问题到底是为什么，是他个人性格问题神马的，这全是次要的。。这个例子里最重要最直接有用的信息一句话就可以概括完：‘有次数学建模比赛我一码工队友喜欢纠结无用的细节，不干有用的事情，还不接受批评不合作，导致我们两人干三人的活，最终成绩不理想’），所说你的论述效率比较低。。

作者: 叶子123 时间: 2013-2-28 15:05:34

待批改的作文~有兴趣的同志们帮忙改一下吧

O(∩_∩)O谢谢

作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-2-28 20:35:23

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-26 06:56
我又来骚扰了~ 请批改，谢谢大神！

好吧于是我被抽风的系统踩翻了扶额。。

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作者: mpromanus 时间: 2013-3-2 13:15:36

叶子123 发表于 2013-2-27 07:49
坚持骚扰，再上一篇，O(∩_∩)O谢谢~

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