标题: Issue130, welcome to evaluate my 3rd issue and you are appreciated. [打印本页] 作者: jxking 时间: 2003-12-26 00:03:44 标题: Issue130, welcome to evaluate my 3rd issue and you are appreciated.
130."How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.
Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help
bring about a better society."
One gifted Chinese scholar names Liang Qichao once said that, "One nation's destiny is determined by its children. If the children are powerful, then the nation is powerful; If the children are prosperous, then the nation is prosperous; If the children are independent, then the nation is independent". Definitely, this motto is full of wisdom and bears profound instructional meaning for all of us civilians. As far as I know, unfortunately, our people in the society have not learn how to raise children who can kelp bring about a better society.
To begin with, some people may take it for granted that the children are the growing generation and have almost created no contribution to our society due to their lack of no practical skills and labor capability. Yet, a careful examination would reveal that the children, though producing no apparent influence on us society, are potential leaders and creators of social wealth. The more potent the children, the brighter future a society will be. Suppose that our society is filled with rational, useful, and industrious doctors and preachers, teachers and layers, researchers and instructors and so on, then we would produce more social wealth and live in a more efficient and convenient condition.
In addition, many people may also sincerely believe that sufficing what the children asked for is the proper and best way to raise children. However, one does not have to go very far to see that many more children who get easily what they consider have gradually been losing valuable capabilities of self-judgment, effective reasoning, complete independence and even worse, developing into juvenile delinquency. To illustrate, one originally kind child would like to steal others digital camera for the reason that his mother did not buy a Japanese famous brand of Sony one for him. Another child would blame his father for that it is because his parents had not sent for a family tutor that leads to his failure in the college admission examination. What a absurd logic. Under this circumstance, the children themselves have not taken the responsibility of developing their capabilities for moving toward opportunities and for assume the task endowed by the society.
Last but not least, there is another misconception that some people may deeply hold is that the school, instead of the family, is the first important factor in raising children. But, they fail to notice that the family, especially the first grade relatives, such as parents, grandparents, and older sisters and brothers play a important role in instructing children and have a unutterable influence on their shaping their late behaviors. As one of young criminal reported on television complained, "I have ever had one warm and happy family till my parents got divorced when I was just 7 years old. After that, my father often drank outside, leaving me alone at home. Sometimes he brought home several men to play mah-jong and smoke on and on. No body cares for my life and I often play truant...." What happened following is beyond our imagination, but the sole result is that another child has been ruined by the bankrupt family.
In summary, from what have been discussed above, we can easily come to the conclusion that our people have not learn how to raise children who can kelp bring about a better society. It is high time for us to claim the voice for the bottom of our heart that "Please, help our children!"
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thank you for evaluation.作者: fortitudesag 时间: 2003-12-26 13:08:52
One gifted Chinese scholar names(named) Liang Qichao once said that, "One nation's destiny is determined by its children. If the children are powerful, then the nation is powerful; If the children are prosperous, then the nation is prosperous; If the children are independent, then the nation is independent"(原话说的是 youth吧?). Definitely, this motto is full of wisdom and bears profound instructional meaning for all of us civilians. As far as I know, unfortunately, our people in the(the用的太多,而且没有道理,下面很多,我不一一指出了,自己看) society have not learn(时态?原型吗?) how to raise children who can kelp(??拿word检查过吗?genie05好像给你说过一次。!) bring about a better society. (最后的从句不合适,能拿来定children吗?建议提出TS,要肯定一些,让人有方向感,have not learned sth. 只用unfortunately表明态度似乎有一点弱。)开头引用名人名言我个人提倡,至少不会plagiarism。
To begin with, some people may take it for granted that the children are the growing generation and have almost created(为什么用完成时?) no contribution to our society due to their lack of no practical skills and labor capability. Yet, a careful examination would reveal that the children, though producing(placing 好像是固定搭配) no apparent influence on us(所有格) society, are potential leaders and creators of social wealth. The more potent (potential更合适一些吧?)the children, the brighter future a society will be.(前后两句都有问题,至少应该对称吧,一个有谓语一个没有,society是future,什么话?) Suppose that our society is filled with rational, useful, and industrious doctors and preachers, teachers and layers, researchers and instructors and so on, then we would produce more social wealth and live in a more efficient and convenient condition. (第二句是主题句吗?要是的话,没有支持点,后面两句有点begging the question。)
In addition, many people may also sincerely believe that sufficing what the children asked(为什么用过去时,无特殊原因建议用一般现在) for is the proper and best(proper和best矛盾吧?怎好用and连接) way to raise(重复,建议查字典换一个,如grow等。) children. However, one does not have to go very far to see that many more children who get easily what they consider have gradually been losing valuable capabilities of self-judgment, effective reasoning, complete independence and even worse, developing into juvenile delinquency. To illustrate, one originally kind child would like to steal others digital camera for the reason that his mother did not buy a Japanese famous brand of Sony one for him. Another child would blame his father for that it is because his parents had not sent for a family tutor that leads to his failure in the college admission examination. What a absurd logic. Under this circumstance, the children themselves have not taken the responsibility of developing their capabilities for moving toward opportunities and for assume(原型?) the task endowed by the society.
Last but not least, there is another misconception that some people may deeply hold is that the school, instead of the family, is the first important factor in raising children. But, they fail to notice that the family, especially the first grade relatives, such as parents, grandparents, and older sisters and brothers(also) play a important role in instructing children and have a unutterable(只是一部分吧?这个词不合适) influence on their shaping their late(later) behaviors.(这样用独立主格我拿不准,你再想想,两个their容易混淆。) As one of young criminal reported on television complained, "I have ever had one warm and happy family till my parents got divorced when I was just 7 years old. After that, my father often drank outside, leaving me alone at home. Sometimes he brought home several men to play mah-jong and smoke on and on. No body cares for my life and I often play truant...." What happened following is beyond our imagination(为什么beyond), but the sole result is that another child has been ruined by the bankrupt family.例子很好,可以支持本段论点。
In summary, from what have been discussed above, we can easily come to the conclusion that our people have not learn how to raise children who can kelp(怎么又是它,我都有一点怀疑自己的词霸(只有海藻)了,真的有这个词吗?什么意思?) bring about a better society. It is high time for us to claim the voice for the bottom of our heart that "Please, help our children!"
感谢上面同学对我作文的批改, 一定是花了好些功夫,我也从中受益匪浅。几点说明:
1. 本题给我的感觉是似乎难以找到一个明确的论点,我是应该侧重于评论“How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society.” 还是评论“Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.”。我觉得难以把握, 你们觉得呢?
2. “The more potent (potential更合适一些吧?)the children, the brighter future a society will be.(前后两句都有问题,至少应该对称吧,一个有谓语一个没有,society是future,什么话?)” 改为“The more potent the children are, the brighter future a society will bear.”另外我认为potent 不要改为potential, 前者是有力强大的意思, 后者是潜在的意思, 不太一样。
3. 正文第一段,我用Suppose that 这样的引申法作了一下论证,并没有回避什么呀(begging the question),你们觉得不妥当吗?