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标题: Argument怎样才能看起来不模板-__- [打印本页]

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作者: lilish    时间: 2015-9-7 15:41:20     标题: Argument怎样才能看起来不模板-__-

在某宝上花了点钱找人批改，被评价“Your statements are heavily dependent on commonly used and abused templates. Strive for originality.” 肿么办？最可怕的是我写的时候也没有刻意想用模板。


我发过去的文章如下
The following appeared in a letter from a firm providing investment advice for a client.

"Most homes in the northeastern United States, where winters are typically cold, have traditionally used oil as their major fuel for heating. Last heating season that region experienced 90 days with below-normal temperatures, and climate forecasters predict that this weather pattern will continue for several more years. Furthermore, many new homes are being built in the region in response to recent population growth. Because of these trends, we predict an increased demand for heating oil and recommend investment in Consolidated Industries, one of whose major business operations is the retail sale of home heating oil."

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

The consult investment firm gives a seemingly reasonable prediction on the increasing demand for heating oil and recommendation recommends on investing in Consolidated Industries, a home heating oil retail-related business. However, some unwarranted certain assumptions alluded in this deduction need to be thoroughly discussed and probably undermine before the validity of this suggestion can be established.

First of all, the argument is based on an optimistic belief that oil would remain dominant in the heating market for in the future. Believing in the dominance of heating oil, the firm considers the need of heating as the demand of heating oil. Though oil is has been traditionally used as the major fuel for heating, it is still an uncertainty whether or not it would be superseded by other sources, like electricity, which has been used for update in southern cities in China during the 2000s. When Once an alternative prevails in the market, the consumption of heating oil faces a potential withdrawal decline, and the revenue of expected investment profit in heating oil retain company might evaporate as well.

To stress the need of for heating, it assumes is assumed that there is no decrease in cold days. Provided that there would be 90 days with below-normal temperatures for recent in the coming years, it asserts this trend positively contributes to an ascending increasing demand for heating oil, neglecting to verify compare the recent trend with comparison with historical statistics. For example, the northeastern America perhaps had suffered 95 or even more days of frigid temperature before the last heating season. Without ruling out the other possible interpretations of the climate tendency, the support to the final conclusion will be weakened becomes weak.

Additionally, it is also implies implied that new homes undoubtedly indicate new clients of heating oil. As it announces, many Many newly built houses, are connected with population growth, and this would be another is also a reason for the increased use of heating oil utilization. Whereas this This projection, however, is easily voided by outer forces, such as the economic crisis in 2008. Despite the population a growth in population, plenty of pretty new houses were abandoned in such situation. Therefore, this assumption lacks stability.

Moreover, the assumption that the profit of Consolidated Industries is positively related to the demand of for heating oil is beneath the investment recommendation. While Consolidated Industries has its home heating oil retail shops, its market shares and operating rate is operational rhythm are unreported, illustrating uncontrollable risks in investment pay-off. In other words, extra evidences to substantiate the link are required for heartening convincing investors.

Feeble assumptions on the unchanged heating oil predominance, constant or more cold days, increasing newly-house consumers newly-built houses, and demand-contributed profit of Consolidated Industries debase the soundness of this recommendation. Investors should pay adequate cautions exercise extreme caution when making decisions.

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作者: caroe    时间: 2015-9-13 23:59:39



正在开始练习作文，虽然写作不好，但诚恳的提出几点自己的感受。
首先非常感谢lilish, 我自己本身是没有这么勤快并且为写作付出这么多的。只是因为自己在美国呆了几年，阅读的时候有一些感受而已，只是个人观点，只针对本文，而且我本人写的也并不好多少，所以对于文中的错误如何去改善我并没有更好的建议。其次，在看lilish 的作文时也对自己犯的很多错误有了更深的体会，希望一起加油，多多努力。Lilish 加油！

本文太长，做好心理准备。要点：
１、语法错误太多。
２、长句太多，没有短句。长句并非合格的从句，非常Chinglish。
３、　每段第一句意义不明不够简洁。
４、　逻辑错误没有主次，完全按原文走。



第一段第一句太过啰嗦，重复了很多题干中已有的不必要的信息。第二句完全模板。两个大长句读着比较费力。建议可以插入一句短句。

第二段，第一句明显语病 “for in the future”，去掉for; belief 本身就是褒义，前面加optimistic 冗余。 Remain dominant 感觉不是很好。第二句句义完全在重复第一句，包括用词。第三句语病“is has been”是个什么？ 前半句又重复了第一二句的意思。Uncertainty 与 whether or not 重复。假设里面用”would be ? “ Sources” 应该是用“resources” 更合适吧？sources 有源头的含义，resources 是资源。Like 用的不太好，建议用 for instance, 并且增加例子，如solar power, nuclear power. 其次 用electricity 比较含糊，因为electricity 可以本身还是从fossil oil 来的，也可能是solar power 转化，或hydro energy.其最终形式大部分是电。电本身并不是直接能源。中国的例子不太恰题， 可以有很多水能核能的例子。During the 2000s 有点chinglish, 可以换在since 2000, 或last fifteen years. When 和Once 词义重复, 去when.  Prevails in the market…只用prevails 就可以了。 “the consumption of heating oil faces a potential withdrawal decline ” the consumption of heating oil might/ decline. “Revenue” 感觉不如benefit.

第三段第一句“ it assumes” ，”it asserts”中的it 指代不明。Contribute是褒义，这里感觉用个中性词更好。 Ascending 与 increasing  重复， verify compare 两个动词语病， compare, comparison 冗余。 最后一句，语病”will be weakened” “becomes weak”要一个就够够了。

第三段第一句语病，亲爱的， implies implied 是个什么啊？！many many 之类的不要出现在正式写作中好不好？newly built houses… 用个new buildings 就可以了啊！connected 这儿不对，是attribute. This would be another is also…  语病啊，亲！This is another..就够了。Increased use of…冗余，只用increase of …就可以了，你不说use人也知道是use 不是eat啊！还有“utilization”。。。Whereas this this 是个什么鬼？！whereas, however, 想好了用一个就够了。2008在哪个地区啊？ 全球吗？ Plenty of pretty 还能不能更啰嗦些？ New houses were anandoned ?在哪啊？例子空洞，不具说服力，无法论证本地区的人们不会来住啊。

第四段第一句语病啊亲。太长了，找不到主语啊。你要表达个什么？第二句不要增加题目里没有的信息—没有人说有retail shops啊。 Market share 一个公司只有一个吧？怎么是复数？ 还有 share and rate 怎么又is 了？怎么又are 了？看不懂要表达什么，没有说清题目中的错误。

好不容易写到最后一段了，亲，最后一段，真是是模板，可能是看的模板太多了。语病就不说了。

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作者: lilish    时间: 2015-9-15 11:08:28

caroe 发表于 2015-9-13 23:59
正在开始练习作文，虽然写作不好，但诚恳的提出几点自己的感受。
首先非常感谢lilish, 我自己本身是没有这 ...

谢谢！两个imply、compare。。。之类应该是我用修改模式改过之后黏贴把两个都放一起了，罪过罪过。您居然耐心看完了，感动~ 对于最后一段的模板问题，有没有什么建议？

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The investment firm gives a seemingly reasonable prediction on the increasing demand for heating oil and recommends investing in Consolidated Industries, a home heating oil retail-related business. However, certain assumptions need to be thoroughly discussed before the validity of this suggestion can be established.

First of all, the argument is based on an optimistic belief that oil would remain dominant in the heating market in the future. Though oil has been traditionally used as the major fuel for heating, it is still an uncertainty whether or not it would be superseded by other sources, like electricity, which has begun to put into use in southern cities in China during the 2000s. Once an alternative prevails in the market, the consumption of heating oil faces a potential decline and the expected investment profit might evaporate as well.

To stress the need for heating, it is assumed that there is no decrease in cold days. Provided that there would be 90 days with below-normal temperatures in the coming years, it asserts this trend positively contributes to an increasing demand for heating oil, neglecting to compare the recent trend with historical statistics. For example, northeastern America perhaps had suffered 95 or even more days of frigid temperature before the last heating season. Without ruling out the other possible interpretations of the climate tendency, the final conclusion becomes weak.

Additionally, it is also implied that new homes undoubtedly indicate new clients of heating oil. Many newly built houses are connected with population growth and this would be another reason for the increased use of heating oil. This projection, however, is easily voided by outer forces such as the economic crisis in 2008. Despite the population growth, plenty of pretty new houses were abandoned in such situation. Therefore, this assumption lacks stability.

Moreover, the assumption that the profit of Consolidated Industries is positively related to the demand for heating oil is beneath the investment recommendation. While Consolidated Industries has its home heating oil retail shops, its market shares and operational rhythm are unreported, illustrating uncontrollable risks in investment pay-off. In other words, extra evidences to substantiate the link are required for convincing investors.

Feeble assumptions on the unchanged heating oil predominance, constant or more cold days, newly-built houses, and demand-contributed profit of Consolidated Industries debase the soundness of this recommendation. Investors should exercise extreme caution when making decisions.

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作者: 岳然    时间: 2015-9-15 22:08:01



我觉得并没有看起来很模板啊，而且argument总归要说这些话，翻来覆去就这样，ets应该也很明白。淘宝上嘛，毕竟不是ets阅卷人，说不定他给每个人都发这么句话呢？

语言上的问题1L都指出了，我就不重复了。感觉相比于你的语言，这篇argument有几个攻击点并不是那么convincing...
一个一个说：

1. oil as heating fuel might not keep dominant in the market. OK这没什么问题

2. 开头先说了assumptions of no decrease in cold days，刚以为你要说这个不成立，结果后面一句就直接转掉了，导致这一段的主旨不明确。后面说90 days with below-normal temperature并不意味着对heating oil的需求会增加。这个观点是没问题的，但你给的反例是，也许该地区以前也一直是超过90天。好吧，其实这个反例本身还是说得通的，但是在这篇文章里，出题者问你的是assumptions，那么这个conterargument放在这里就略显牵强了。其实这里一个很明显的assumption就是：“居民一定会在below-normal temperature时开暖气”，也许人家非常耐寒（很有可能，毕竟住久了习惯了），只有到了极端低温才开暖气，而极端低温的天数可能很少。

3. 后面一段说新增加的住房不代表对heating oil的需求会增多。（这一段头两句的意思好像有点重复）观点没问题，但我觉得你可以再明确地点出一句“这里的assumption是新造的屋子一定有人住，住了一定会用heating oil” 缺少这一句，让我感觉你虽然找到了攻击点，却没有打到要害。

4. 和上面的问题一样，没有攻击到痛点。你说不知道他的market share，但就算market share很小，如果总体市场增加了，他的盈利也应该相应增加啊？其实这里有两个很明显的攻击点“他的零售店有没有开在题目中说的美国东北地区？”“该地区的居民是否主要从零售店购买heating oil？有没有其他购买途径？”

感觉LZ总体上还是能找到需要攻击的位置，但停留在比较general比较vague的层面上，对于这种要写assumption的题目，你的攻击点越具体，攻击才越有说服力。

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作者: lilish    时间: 2015-9-16 22:02:27

岳然 发表于 2015-9-15 22:08
我觉得并没有看起来很模板啊，而且argument总归要说这些话，翻来覆去就这样，ets应该也很明白。淘宝上嘛，毕 ...

谢谢，很有启发！的确是对结构怎么展开想得比较少

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