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标题: bit_liang 的作文练习贴 [打印本页]

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-6 09:11:04     标题: bit_liang 的作文练习贴



本人9.6 首战中作文告跪，只有2.5分。在准备过程中确实过于忽略了作文，准备10.30再战。将之前按照1+3模型写的提纲贴上来看看是否符合要求，同时准备下手写全文。

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-6 09:11:44



目录

3楼    ISSUE         04 提纲
7楼    ISSUE         01 全文(10.10 二稿)
10楼  ARGUMENT  71 提纲

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-6 09:19:17

ISSUE 04

Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your
position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

TS:
Scandals are always widely known allegations that damage the reputation of an institute, individual or creed. Though scandals often concentrate people on problems, I do not believe that a scandal can be useful as they may be based on false allegations. And due to its aim to damage the reputation, a scandal usually pay less attention on how to deal with the problem, but rather on how to attract the public. The argument claiming that scandals focus us on problems with a different way from speakers or reformers is not valid because of the subjectiveness of the media.
ts1:
The purpose of mass media to expose scandals is to attract public's attention and damage the reputation of an institution or individual, so newspaper or magazines may base their claims on unverified facts to interest more readers.
ts2:
It is true that scandals can guide the public to pay attention to certain problems, but they usually do not guide us to the essential issue in solving problems, but in entertaining the public.
ts3:
Some people argues that scandals can sometimes expose some problems. For example,... However, media and public may not always be objective. They can also be bribed to disperse advantage statements to protect the reputation and cover the real facts.

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作者: 岳然    时间: 2015-10-6 12:47:17

先不说思路，LZ应该好好提高一下自己的英文基本功啊。第一句话就有很多问题，always 和 widely known 搭配不当；known后面是不是应该有as？接下来一句though引导状语从句习惯上不放句子开头，用although或者even though比较好；concentrate不是这么用的……

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-6 13:26:18

岳然 发表于 2015-10-6 12:47
先不说思路，LZ应该好好提高一下自己的英文基本功啊。第一句话就有很多问题，always 和 widely known 搭配不 ...

多谢指出错误啊...第一句其实是从维基百科上摘下来的句子改写的...

A scandal is a widely publicized allegation or set of allegations that damages (or tries to damage) the reputation of an institution, individual or creed.

确实从来没有注意过这些连词或动词应该怎么用...应该怎么改进呢...作文好绝望T T

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作者: 岳然    时间: 2015-10-6 13:50:26

bit_liang 发表于 2015-10-6 13:26
多谢指出错误啊...第一句其实是从维基百科上摘下来的句子改写的...
确实从来没有注意过这些连词或动词应 ...

多阅读……
遇到自己不确定的表达先谷歌一下有没有类似的说法

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-8 09:05:20



ISSUE 01

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

一稿

Whether our ability to think creatively will deteriorate or not depends on which field technologies are applied to. In ordinary life, it may hold true that we are losing our ability to think independently. In the field of science and technology, people will not lose the opportunities to think by themselves. For the ones who study the process of thinking , technologies also cannot replace them in critical thinking.

Thanks to the development of technologies, our life is becoming more and more convenient. We can reach our family easily with mobile phones, we are freed from onerous housework by washing-machines and we can see the photos if we want from digital cameras. Meanwhile, time for making decisions by ourselves are becoming less and less. For example, decades ago, families enjoy their weekends in numerous ways, they went out for hiking, they read in the libraries, they played basketball in the stadium. But now, with powerful recreational function of iPads and TVs, more families choose to spend their spare time at home, watching movies or playing games. In other words, they just enjoy the entertainment these electronic devices bring us without finding out what else they could do to make themselves or their families relaxed.

Fortunately, our jobs keep us from losing ourselves in these small screens. For the scientists and engineers who are responsible for developing technologies, there is no doubt that they rely more on their own thinking than that of machines. While create a new device, engineers will surely use existing software or facilities to realize their thoughts. For example, during the initial design phase, technicians usually draw prototypes out in digital design software. Compared with the traditional designing method, this process saves much time revising the material models. However, the competitiveness of a designer is not reflected from skills to use such software, but the ability to bring his imagination into reality, and this procedure cannot be accomplished without his own thinking.

Similarly, for people who devote themselves to the study of the process of thinking, such as philosophy or sociology, technologies are also indispensable. In analyzing the surveys and statistics, computer software are the most efficient methods. But they never focus on the software itself, they concentrate on how these numbers can be applied to a theory and no software could replace these professionals in digging the relations out.

In a word, in recent years, technologies have changed our life completely. It may hold true that we are depending more on different machines in ordinary life. However, during our work time, no matter how functional these tools can be, the principle problems can only be solved by our own critical thinking.

老师的修改建议：

你的第二段 整段没有提到solve problem  写了很多关于生活如何方便 却没有回应题目中的关键词
希望其他同学也引以为鉴
另外这个句子的表达也有问题time for making decisions by ourselves are becoming less and less.   
写成 we spent less time ...


二稿

Whether our ability of think creatively will deteriorate or not depends on differences of the fields technologies are applied in. In ordinary life, it may hold true that we are losing our ability to think independently. In the field of science and technology, people will not lose the opportunities to think by themselves. For the ones who study the process of thinking , technologies also cannot replace human in critical thinking.

Thanks to the development of technologies, solving problems in our everyday life is becoming easier. We can reach our family easily with our mobile phones, we are freed from onerous housework by washing-machines. Meanwhile, we are spending less time to make decisions by ourselves. For example, decades ago, to choose how to spend their weekends with their families, people have exploited their creativity, they went out for hiking, they read in the libraries, they played basketball in the stadium. But now, with powerful recreation function of iPads and TVs, more families choose to spend their spare time at home, watching movies or playing games. In other words, they just enjoy the entertainment these electronic devices bring us without finding out what else they could do to make their children happy.

Fortunately, our jobs keep us thinking all the time. For the scientists and engineers who are responsible for developing technologies, there is no doubt that they rely more on their own thinking than that of machines. While create a new device, engineers will surely use existing software or facilities to bring their imagination into reality. For example, during the initial design phase, technicians usually draw the prototype out in digital design software and compared with the time without this technology, this process will save much time revising the material models. However, the strongest competence of a designer is not the skills to use such software, but the ability to bring his imagination into reality, and this procedure cannot be accomplished without his own thinking.

Similarly, for people who devote themselves to the study of the process of thinking, such as philosophy or sociology, technologies are also indispensable. In analyzing the surveys and statistics, computer software are always the most efficient methods. But they never focus on these software itself, they pay more attention on how these numbers can be applied to a theory and no software could replace these professionals in digging the relations out.

In a word, in recent years, technologies have changed our life completely. It may hold true that we are depending more on different machines in ordinary life. However, during our work time, no matter how functional these tools can be, the principle problems can only be solved by our critical thinking.

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作者: tesolchina    时间: 2015-10-9 07:46:25

岳然 发表于 2015-10-6 13:50
多阅读……
遇到自己不确定的表达先谷歌一下有没有类似的说法

也可以查COCA 详见博客61楼

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作者: 岳然    时间: 2015-10-9 16:56:18

tesolchina 发表于 2015-10-9 07:46
也可以查COCA 详见博客61楼

谢谢老师，很好用！

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作者: bit_liang    时间: 2015-10-10 16:20:16

Argument 71 提纲

The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

结论：
It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville.

证据：
1.Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed.

2.Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods.

3.Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably.

开头段：
In this letter, the author suggests that Waymarsh should implement policies similar to that of the city of Garville to solve the traffic problem. The advice is based on state surveys about commuting time and some advantage impacts of the rewarding policies in Garville. To fully evaluate the suggestion, we need more information about the traffic survey, the specific layout of the city of Waymarsh, and details of what happened in Garville last year.

中间段第一段（回应原文Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed.中的 state survey 和 commuting time rise ）

Firstly, the writer refers to state surveys showing that average commuting time has risen from 20 minutes to 40 minutes. However, we need evidence that traffic is truly deteriorating in Waymarsh. 全国性的调查不一定适用于W市, 有可能W市的通勤时间实际上变化很小或者是下降。 就算W市的通勤时间确实上升，也并不一定代表有交通问题。可能随着经济、工业发展，W市变得越来越大，人们的住地和工作的地方越来越远，通勤时间自然上升，而交通不一定拥堵。

中间第二段（回应原文Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods.中的 expensive 和  disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods）

The letter argues that new road constructing will spend more and make intolerant noise in the neighborhoods. To determine whether we should solve the traffic problem by building new roads, we need analysis about costs of road building and other solvents. What's more, knowing how the city is organized is necessary to make the choice. 通过道路建设和其他解决办法的成本分析，我们才可以知道修路是否真的比较贵。假设G市的奖励政策确实有效，也有可能奖励政策的成本实际上比修路还高。另外，知道具体的城市布局，我们才能知道修路是否真的会扰民。也许我们可以找到一条路线，即可以改善交通问题，又避开了主要的居民区。

中间第三段（回应原文Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably.中 pollution levels have dropped 和 commuting times have fallen ）

In addition, the declines in pollution of Garcville and time of commuting may not attribute to the implements. We need to know what else about pollution and traffic conditions have happened in Garville last year.如果G市去年将产生污染的工厂都搬到了市外，G市的污染情况也会好转。另外，如果G市去年新修的道路刚好开通，或者开通了新的公共交通方式，比如地铁，那么通勤时间必然也会下降。总之，G市的情况并不一定适合W市。

与范文对比：
1.没有考查调查方式的问题；
2.注意中间段的总结；
3.段间的过渡词。

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