Although the business manager provides lots of specious facts to support his/her assertion, the hazy description of some key matters, the unreasonable conclusion merely from a trend and the irrational suggestion about stocks all demonstrate that the manager is both non-professional and overconfident.嗯,观点提得很清晰
At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" to support his/her assertion, however, it is rather suspicious. Who indeed did the survey? How many people were asked? What are their occupations? And how many feedbacks did the survey get? If the survey is designed unscientifically, if only a small group of people were included, if they are all restricted to a single work such as software designer and they only got [got or get?] an even smaller percent of feedbacks like less than twenty, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a meaningless small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses. If the manager wants to convince the superior, he/she must show more details about the survey.这段对于survey的置疑展开得很好
Then the manager points out the Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past and if they take advantage of the work-at-home trend they would probably profits a lot. However, the manager does not think about some more essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their supplying products, the services they provide after sales and their workers' attitude at service. Even if the trend is really convincing and the trend is a big chance for the company, without good services they can provide, they could never benefit from it. What's more, the manager suggests about several home office machines which are not so realistic for all the workers to buy them. In fact, with a single removable hard drive and a computer, they can easily accomplish extra works had to be done at home thus they would not be willing to waste their salaries on so many machines. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager want to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers [当时我写得时候就没有想到竞争之类的,赞.感觉也可以考虑:事实上,公司在办公用品部门的收益是最好的,在非常好的业绩之下想要有所提高是比较困难的;或者说,该部门的收益是稳步增长,虽然每一步都不是很明显,但是,积累下来,也许可以创公司业绩的新高.呵呵,其实,你现在这么反驳作者,已经是非常深入了,很多地方也是我可以借鉴的啊~~] .
Finally, the manager claims confidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.相比前两段,B3的论述有点一笔带过的感觉
In sum, the memo just provides some vague information to us and makes rather weak analysis thus makes the suggestion not so valuable and assertion not convincing at all.
Although the business manager provides lots of specious facts to support his/her assertion, the hazy description of some key matters, the unreasonable conclusion merely from a trend and the irrational suggestion about stocks all demonstrate that the manager is both non-professional and overconfident.
At the very beginning, the manager uses "a recent survey" to support his/her assertion, however, it is rather suspicious. Who indeed did the survey? How many people were asked? What are their occupations? And how many feedbacks did the survey get? If the survey is designed unscientifically, if only a small group of people were included, if they are all restricted to a single work such as software designer and they only got a even smaller percent of feedbacks like less than twenty, then the survey itself would be totally meaningless for the office-supply departments since workers like software designer will not need these products they supply and a meaningless small group of people's opinions can not stand for the masses. If the manager wants to convince the superior, he/she must show more details about the survey.对于作调查提供的数据所做的驳斥,几个点都提到了,但感觉似乎用词不够简练,譬如sample size, reliability, the generalization drawn might not apply to most people等等,这些很多都是从范文中摘出来的。
Then the manager points out the Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past and if they take advantage of the work-at-home trend they would probably profits a lot. However, the manager does not think about some more essential elements that can greatly influence the business, such as the price, the quality of their supplying products, the services they provide after sales and their workers' attitude at service. Even if the trend is really convincing and the trend is a big chance for the company, without good services they can provide, they could never benefit from it. What's more, the manager suggests about several home office machines which are not so realistic for all the workers to buy them. In fact, with a single removable hard drive and a computer, they can easily accomplish extra works had to be done at home thus they would not be willing to waste their salaries on so many machines. What is worse, the manager totally neglects other companies' competition. Therefore if the manager want to make benefit from the trend, he/she must firstly improve their services, investigates more detailed information about competitors and make it clear that what are the most necessities for home-workers.首先售后服务包括员工态度,其次what is +a.的形式两者离得太近了,我同意楼上的意见可以把competition归并到B3写,同时B3还可以提出整体消费能力下降,虽然营业额没有上去但若从比率来看office-supply部门还是盈利最好的部门。
Finally, the manager claims confidently that with changes he/she has suggested, the office-supply departments will become the "most" profitable component of stores. What a ridiculous assertion! Without a single piece of analysis about other parts of the store and their market conditions, even if the office-supply department did make substantial profits, it would be too boastful to say that.
In sum, the memo just provides some vague information to us and makes rather weak analysis thus makes the suggestion not so valuable and assertion not convincing at all.